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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

There is this man and i dont know what to do.

47 replies

flipflopweather · 29/04/2010 10:20

We are very much in an emotional relationship and have been for almost a year.
I love him.
I have never even kissed him, we have only hugged. We live a way apart and dont see each other all that often.

Our friendship or whatever it is blows steaming hot to cold at the drop of a hat. Mostly beacause of him. he is terrified of committment. But then when it is going really well i back off as im terrified of getting hurt again. ( am a divorcee).

Over time i have come to accept that this is how it is and im fine with that. I cant imagine my life without him but i cant really imagine it totally with him.

I decided last week to try to move on as really i would like a stable relationship, someone to actually be with as i know i am never going to get this with him and ive got a few dates lined up over the next two weeks. Im looking forward to them and they seem like nice men.

I stopped contacting him and have just waited. Its taken him 9 days to contact me but i knew he eventually would.
I just dont know what to do with him. I cant break contact with him. To not have him in my life is a horrible idea. But i know its never going to go anywhere. beacuse of him and because of me. While i know this it doesnt stop me loving him and i fear that noone will ever be able to measure up to him. Im happy to date other people and im going to and have done in the past. but it doesnt stop me thinking about him nor change feelings. I sort of feel that its not fair on anyone else i date and that while i might like them and enjoy their company etc... im just not emotionally avalible to them.

Silly post probably, not sure what advice im looking for.

OP posts:
motherlovebone · 29/04/2010 10:25

Its not like you are commited to him,
dating is a good idea
he doesnt sound suitable tbh.

i have heard of lots of men like this that will go on to commit quickly.

perhaps he feels you are not 'the one'

SheWillBeLoved · 29/04/2010 10:31

No one will be able to measure up to a commitment-phobe who will never give you what you want or deserve? Come on. Silly post maybe, but I'm sure you aren't silly enough to really believe that.

Cut contact for good would be my advice. And mean it. Tell him you won't be in touch again because you don't want to be hanging onto something that never really was and never will be there any longer. If he says "Okay, I understand" - you know then that he'll never be yours. If he says "Fuck it, I'm scared, but I at least want to try" - then go from there. I very much doubt he'll say that though. But at least then you'll be free to find somebody who finds you worthy of being committed to, unlike this 'man'.

Then when you're free of him, work on yourself and get over this fear of being hurt again. Yes you may well be hurt again but fgs, life is bloody short and there is no time to be wasted by living life the way you are now. Good luck

flipflopweather · 29/04/2010 10:41

i know its not what i want. which is why im dating.
while i have been happy with the situation as it stands ive been thinking that ultimatley i want more and i know i will never get it from him.
He has never promised it either so he doesnt deserve blame laid at his door. I have also never promised him anything. Its a strange situation.
i think i also need to stress that until this point i have been happy with the casualness. It is an emotional relationship. nothing physical has happened. Its something quite quite different to anything i have experienced before. but also i dont think that i could ever committ to him either.Not if we are being realistic.
So i just feel stuck in this no mans land where im emotionally tangled up with this man but wanting a relationship with someone other than him.

OP posts:
motherlovebone · 29/04/2010 10:52

i think if you met someone else who you are emotionally on par with, and was giving you the physical too, you would forget this man.
cutting him off is a good idea, but if its too much right now you dont have to.
i think you probably know if you put your cards on the table (all or nothing) he would choose the latter.
the tone of your post sounds a bit low too.
are you ok?

flipflopweather · 29/04/2010 11:04

i dont know. i just dont really know what to do about it really. ive been going with the ride it out and see what happens for pretty much the whole year and i go through phases were im ok and really happy about how it is. then points like this when i think i should do something but then cant.

Its all just so silly beacuse we are not even in a full relationship so it silly to have this sort of problem about it, but i am aware that why i feel like this and am having the drama with it that im holding myself back from finding something else.

because i may date others, i might even sleep with them. but there is no emotional attachement. its all wrapped up with him. who i wont ever have a proper relationship with ( not just because of him, but beacuse of me too. i know it would not work)

but the thought of no contact with him is horrible. he really has become my emotional crutch, my best friend really to dump your best friend would be painful, but i know that in some ways this is holding me back.

somedays i wish id never met him, but then i think i would have missed out on so much had i of not.

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 29/04/2010 11:12

Does he know all of this?

flipflopweather · 29/04/2010 11:22

yes - he does.
I think it causes him as much griefe as it does me.
because his emotional attachment to me is also holding him back.
He had a gf for about 2 months but ended it with her because of our relationship. I know he dates sometimes as well ( as do i), but because hes tangled up with me, nothing compares. Its almost to the point of stupidity. we finish each others sentances, know exacally what each other are thinking etc... talk about anything and everything. he knows me better than anymore and i, him.

Which is why, i knew that if i stopped making contact with him, it would take less than 2 weeks for him to contact me. I know the train of thought he would have gone through as well.

And so the stupid thing continues.

OP posts:
motherlovebone · 29/04/2010 11:24

in essence i think you are waiting for him, and getting bored / lonely / crazy with waiting.
(but part of you is thinking he will want you in the end?)

can you tell him you want more?

my best friend makes me feel good, so im not sure it is a best friend situation here, but as you have said, an emotional tangle and not healthy imo (not good for you anyway)

yes it is holding you back!

what advice would you give another in this situation?
try to manage yourself as an outsider, or as a mother making decisions for her daughter.
perhaps you have made the wrong choices before, but let today be the day that you begin making healthy choices for your wellbeing.

whatname · 29/04/2010 11:29

sounds to me like you are both as scared as each other.
don't really understand this emotional relationship.
what is stopping you from kissing him or taking it further, apart from the distance?
If emotionally he is your best friend and you both feel the same, I can understand why you think it might be perfect
TBH I think you should go for it
If you are gonna dump him anyway, what have you got to lose?!!

GibbonInARibbon · 29/04/2010 11:31

Really sorry but he will never, ever, ever give you want you want.

You are romanticising the relationship into something it is not, and after a year, never will be.

Cut all contact and find someone deserving of you.

flipflopweather · 29/04/2010 11:37

i know he wont. he has never said he would do.

ive never said i would do, and i dont know that i actually want to be with him really, so telling him i want more is probaby a lie.

im not romanticising this. it a stupid and distructive situation to be in. im aware of this. I know its holding me back ( think i said that in the first post).

i just have no idea what to do about it.
im not going to dump him btw - there is nothing to dump. never was, never will be. there is just an emotional crux which is stopping other things.

but at the same time, the thought ofnot having that emotional crux almost causes physical pain.

OP posts:
whatname · 29/04/2010 11:40

I'm really not understanding.
Why can't he just be your friend?

GibbonInARibbon · 29/04/2010 11:44

From reading your posts I think you may well be romanticising it. Whatever you say about this 'relationship' it's not healthy and does not make you happy.

Maybe it's safe, if someone is unobtainable (for whatever reason) then it means you can't really get hurt because they aren't really rejecting you are they? It's their 'issues' that are the problem and stopping you being together.

Seriously, walk away and don't look back.

flipflopweather · 29/04/2010 11:45

i dont want you all to think im sat at home mooning about him. im not. ive dated a string of other people. i might enjoy their company, find them attractive, flirt. kiss, have sex etc... but they arent him.
If someone came along that gave me the same connection as well as the rest i expect i would forgett about him, but noone comes close and actually i find myself getting annoyed and inpatient at people becuse they dont know me like he does. I know hes the same, hes told me many times. So we date other people but contiune our weird thing we have going on. before dumping said dates beacuse they are rubbish.

Every few months or so i think it comes to make or break time, that its time to sort this rubbish out and be done with it. But he contacts me, or i contact him as i just miss him so much. he tells me he missses me.

So this is where i just dont know what to do. To just carry on as i am and hope i meet someone who blows me away.

OP posts:
flipflopweather · 29/04/2010 11:48

it does make me happy. he makes me very very happy.

I just know that its holding me back beacuse, even if we just say we are friends. emotionally im so wrapped up with him ( and him me) that its stopping other relationships from developing.

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 29/04/2010 11:49

Have you posted about him before OP? This sounds very familiar. Apologies if not

flipflopweather · 29/04/2010 11:58

I havent posted before. I was speaking to my sister about this last night and just said that if it were her should would just go witht he flow of it. I know the relationships board offers lots of good advice so i thought id give it a go.

You know what hes like - im trying to think of a comparable thing. but hes like your best best friend from when you were little , that you would spend hours and hours with and have the best time in the world. Never argue or fall out and developed your own language. Your own little gang that noone else could join. Thats what its like. But i know its holding me back.
Thats all. I dont know what to do but i know i need to do something, beacuse our little gang is not healthy.

if that makes sense

OP posts:
Wordweaver · 29/04/2010 12:31

I can see that it's very hard to let something go when there is nothing else to turn to.

I don't know how old you are, but where do you want to be in five years? Do you still want to be in this situation?

The fact is, you are allowing a situation to continue that you can sense is potentially harmful to you.

The longer this continues, the deeper the habit will be ingrained. The harder it will be to put an end to it.

So think ahead five years.

I have a friend who is still emotionally bound to a man whose relationship with her ended several years ago. They are still in regular contact. She sees other people, but the moment they try to get close to her, she runs a mile.

Yes, you have a link with this man. Is he the only man in the world you could have such a link with? I doubt it.

You say that you get exasperated with others when they don't 'get' you like this man does. But how do you think a person comes to understand you?

It's not magic. It comes from spending time together, communicating, talking into the early hours . . . you have to invest time and energy into a relationship to get that kind of connection.

While you continue pouring all your energy into this friendship, you're not going to be able to spend it anywhere else, so of course no one will match up. All your wealth of care and focus is being lavished on this man.

If that's ok, then you may still be doing it in five years/ten years. It'll be more like an addiction than a master passion. If you don't want that, then something stronger than your feelings for this man has to take control. So what in you is stronger than those feelings?

What would you be advising a friend to do?

When you break off contact with him and you say you know he'll be back in touch, why does that mean you have to respond?

Can you bring yourself to change your email address and telephone numbers?

I hope you don't think that I am being insulting by saying any of these things. But it does seem to me to be a very dangerous situation - dangerous for your future happiness.

AnyFucker · 29/04/2010 18:49

I don't really understand this

Why haven't you slept together ?

How can your relationship be "make or break"...are you meaning that if you did sleep together that would be the crux

How can your "relationship" really be a "hot" one if you haven't even kissed ?

It sounds like something in an 18th century novel...built up into something that has much more relevance than it actually has

He sounds awful, tbh, as a prospective romantic partner

Why can't you just be friends ? What exactly do you both spend hours angsting and navel-gazing with each other about ?

I just don't get it...why all this denial and chest-beating ?

I am going to be facetious now and say just shag him silly and see what happens...

tuarag · 29/04/2010 19:10

I am going to be facetious now and say just shag him silly and see what happens...

Oh dear.

warthog · 29/04/2010 19:30

you're describing a very good friendship.

do you have any sexual feelings for him?

AnyFucker · 29/04/2010 19:44

tuarag...why do you say "oh dear"

is it wrong to shag someone you think so much of, and are having a "hot" relationship with ?

IMO, that is just what this "relationship" needs

a good hard session of rogering and be done with the pussy-footing around...

but perhaps that is just me

doggiesayswoof · 29/04/2010 19:55

I agree with you AF

Shagging someone can help to clarify a lot of stuff imo

OP might he be gay? I am just struggling to understand why nothing physical has happened between you if you are so hung up on each other

Apologies if I am way off here

BEAUTlFUL · 29/04/2010 21:26

I don't like the bit about "I stopped contacting him and it's taken him 9 days to contact me".

Surely an equal relationship would be each of you contacting the other the same amount? I guess from this that you were the engine in this friendship, the one contacting him the most, keeping it all going.

This is a fantasy relationship. If he really liked you, I mean liked-you liked you, he'd ask you out on a date. Really.

Dating other people is a fab, fab, fab idea and I hope that goes brilliantly and puts this wishy-washy, says the right things but does none of the right things bloke into perspective. It sounds like he talks a good game. My male best-friend is EXACTLY the same as this, btw, and it took me 5 years to realise he wasn't as keen on me as I wanted him to be. Now I appreciate him for the good bits (endless compliments, lovely chats) but don't secretly long for more.

AnyFucker · 29/04/2010 21:28

this bloke sounds like a dick, tbh

a limp dick