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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

There is this man and i dont know what to do.

47 replies

flipflopweather · 29/04/2010 10:20

We are very much in an emotional relationship and have been for almost a year.
I love him.
I have never even kissed him, we have only hugged. We live a way apart and dont see each other all that often.

Our friendship or whatever it is blows steaming hot to cold at the drop of a hat. Mostly beacause of him. he is terrified of committment. But then when it is going really well i back off as im terrified of getting hurt again. ( am a divorcee).

Over time i have come to accept that this is how it is and im fine with that. I cant imagine my life without him but i cant really imagine it totally with him.

I decided last week to try to move on as really i would like a stable relationship, someone to actually be with as i know i am never going to get this with him and ive got a few dates lined up over the next two weeks. Im looking forward to them and they seem like nice men.

I stopped contacting him and have just waited. Its taken him 9 days to contact me but i knew he eventually would.
I just dont know what to do with him. I cant break contact with him. To not have him in my life is a horrible idea. But i know its never going to go anywhere. beacuse of him and because of me. While i know this it doesnt stop me loving him and i fear that noone will ever be able to measure up to him. Im happy to date other people and im going to and have done in the past. but it doesnt stop me thinking about him nor change feelings. I sort of feel that its not fair on anyone else i date and that while i might like them and enjoy their company etc... im just not emotionally avalible to them.

Silly post probably, not sure what advice im looking for.

OP posts:

SheWillBeLoved · 29/04/2010 22:08

This thread reminds me of that one in which that cock called his Lawyer on the Policeman and it was hilarious.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/04/2010 22:14

For whatever reason (and his reasons may be perfectly valid) this man does not want a committed couple-relationship with you. End of. That doesn't mean he's a selfish beast or that you are unloveable, it means that he is not the partner for you even though he may well be a good longterm friend.
Yes, you should date other people. You shold also look for a consuming interest or passion other than 'relationships' as it sounds like you are consumed with the need for a partner, which is not a good mindset (it deters nice men and attracts freaks).

jasper · 29/04/2010 22:34

DO you fancy him?

madcatsazz · 29/04/2010 22:52

OP - This reminds me of several similar situations I have encountered and IMo, there seem to be a few things you need to think about..
Firstly, men are so very very different to women in terms of how they think. They will say the right things when we are with them and they will likely be feeling what they're saying. However, they do not dwell and disect every little detail like we do (sorry for generalisations to any men reading this)and IME they so not 'soul search' in the same way. Many years ago i had what you would call an incredible 'emotional relationship' with a man which, as it happens was also sexual, but for me it was the connection, how well he knew me and it followed a time of extreme vulnerability where I had lost faith in men. As it happens, that man is now my DP but the road we took to get there was very long and twisted and I realised a long time ago he was never that person that I had dreamed him to be. Us ladies have a tendency to get carried away sometimes and I wonder if you aren't crediting him with strengths that he maybe doesn't have or at least not as exclusively as you believe. I would urge you to break contact for a good while with the explanation that you find it too difficult but you also need to take a good look at your feelings for him. I sense that you, like me, have built him up into more than he is and it is this pressure that is as hard for them as anything. Sorry if I have read things wrong - only it sounds so totally similar to my own feelings back then. Also, you will find there are so so so so many women out there that have said the only way they won their man was to totally, 100% cut off contact...and mean it.... because that is the only time they will be forced to take action - but don't hold your breath, IME there are very few Romeo's in this world. I wish you all the best and hope you find some peace from this.

AnyFucker · 29/04/2010 22:57

"win" your man ????

what is he ? a bingo prize ?

purr-leaze

madcatsazz · 29/04/2010 23:00

point taken AF - probably not the best wording

AnyFucker · 29/04/2010 23:04

and I take your point, madcatsazz "there are very few romeos out there"

madcatsazz · 29/04/2010 23:06

in fact - the whole post doesn't read so great - that's what you get when you type and don't proof read! I think I was just trying to point out that OP had maybe made this relationship into something way more than he has and possibly raised him onto a pedestal. As for "winning" your man, again I meant just by backing off will yield results in terms of making or breaking the relationship.

AnyFucker · 29/04/2010 23:08

don't be daft

I agree with your sentiments, mad

I still think she should shag him, though

Whatevs, it appears Op has done one

ninah · 29/04/2010 23:10

I think she should shag not him but one of the nice chaps she will be dating shortly

madcatsazz · 29/04/2010 23:11

my last was posted before i saw your response - OP is probably being sensible and getting some zzzz's like I should be. Nobody ever got anywhere being sensible though hey?

AnyFucker · 29/04/2010 23:11

ok then, she should shag him then dump him

and date a nice new man who doesn't fuck with her head

thesouthsbelle · 29/04/2010 23:11

think of him as your gay best friend.

I have one - they're fab - he's not really gay thou. started out much the same as you- in fact we do still finish each other's sentences, know each other back to front & inside out. both dated others, both wanted to date each other but the time was never right, poured our hearts out about everything incl dating others etc etc. was awful for me every time he started saying how fab a new girl was as i'm sure it was him. then he met his current GF who tbh is a diamond when he was being a git to her.

think of him as a gay best friend - it's the only way I was able to move on from anything happening with mine, and we did do the whole physical thing as well. hard but possible just have to retrain your brain if you want to keep him in your life - if not, new number, new email.

ninah · 29/04/2010 23:14

nothing to dump
good idea belle
don't shag him op, please!

thesouthsbelle · 29/04/2010 23:18

no don't shag him.

honestly think about it - I wouldn't ever be happy long term with him as he's far far too suspicious of girlfriends and i'm far to independent & liking of my own space for him, took a while to appreciate that - so think about it honestly in that context - be really brutally honest with yourself about what you are like as a person and what he is like as a person. that will help you to move forward I think.

Original poster

flipflopweather · 02/05/2010 18:48

he could never be my gay best friend i fancy him too much for that.
i have thought in the past it would be better to be is friend than not have him in my life at all. and if it came down to it, thats what i would chose. friendship over nothing.
beacuse nothing would be horrible.

he called me today. He wants to take me out. on a date. a proper date.
He is an over thinker. he over thinks everything and said that if he is going to be involved with someone, he likes to be almost 100% sure before he makes that decision.
and that he very much likes me. but has to be sure and gets scared.
i said yes.
we have arranged it.
i am excited but im sure tomorrow will be nervous and get scared.

thing is ive had a male ' best friend' before. he was probably the best best friend i have ever had in my life ever. EVER. but we ruined it and had a relationship and it was never the same since.
i always regretted it.

i just dont want this to happen with him.
oh wow - what if we kiss?

OP posts:

BEAUTlFUL · 02/05/2010 21:24

"he called me today. He wants to take me out. on a date. a proper date."

!!!!!!!!!!! Well, would you look at that. Nice! What's the date? And how did this happen?? And what are you going to WEAR, most importantly of all?

Original poster

flipflopweather · 02/05/2010 22:10

how did this happen?

i have no idea really. We are meeting half way and he will organise something. ill just turn up.

i will wear jeans. and heels.

It is exciting but scary at the same time. I dont know what will happen with this. If we are destined to be just friends or more. Over the course of the year i have come to the conclusion that things are what they are and you cant force them. They move at their own pace.
If we are meant to be just friends thats how it will be.

OP posts:

Original poster

flipflopweather · 02/05/2010 22:19

and if we are meant to be more it will have been a very very slow journey to being together and it will be wonderful

or - we are meant to just be friends.

OP posts:

warthog · 02/05/2010 23:02

ah lovely!

Original poster

flipflopweather · 03/05/2010 09:38

maybe. He confessed he has one of my pictures as his wallpaper on his phone.

im not sure if i believe that or not, but its a nice thought.

We had a really good chat and im pleased. Of course, it may just be another time when its blowing hot. and of course its also likely that i may get scared and back off.

OP posts:

BEAUTlFUL · 04/05/2010 11:38

So how was your date? I hope it was lovely.

Flip

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