Does anyone know about horrible physical symptoms following split? I am looking for some advise.

[wheresmypaddle]

DP (I guess EXDP) left on Sunday. We have a DS (just turned 3).

This was preceeded by me trying to make changes to our less than perfect relationship which he feels are unfair of me. TBH I am now totally confused as to whether I was in the right and whether I would prefer him to come back despite the flaws- but he doesn't seem to want to talk anymore- thats a for a different thread I guess.

I am managing OK but I feel terrible. I have to be OK for DS and I also work part time- I am at my desk and really struggling.

Obviously I am tearful, but I can keep a lid on that most of the time. Its the anxiety type feelings that I have that are so hard to deal with. I kind of feel nervous all the time: like I would feel before making a big speech, going on a huge holiday, doing something very nervewracking or exciting.

I have horrible 'butterflies in my stomach, dry mouth, restless, sweaty and a bit shakey. My appetite has gone completely, its as like I could live on fresh air (but I have made myself eat).

It was worse in the mornings- from about 5.30am. However today its still here and its really really horrible. I think its worse when I know DP will be coming over (he is coming tonight to collect some stuff) or calling me. The thing is I plan to make sure I am out so I won't actually see him but am still feeling so anxious.

I am not usually an anxious person. I am very upset but my mind feels kind of calm- but still I can't control these feelings.

Maybe I should see GP but I feel she will suggest antidepressants- I have tried these before andy they made me feel worse and so anxious I could barely function.

Please can anyone tell me if this is normal and if there is anything they could suggest to help?

These are fairly classic stress symptoms. You could try asking in the chemist for (I think) Kalms, which are a mild herbal sedative and might help, otherwise try to eat little and often and get plenty of fresh air and exercise. THIS TOO WILL PASS. It might be best to minimize contact with XP for the moment, get him to stick to email or texts and only communicate about things like access or financial arrangements. And gather friends round you for support. Best of luck.

wheresmypaddle, i suffered exactly the same symptoms as you when dh and i split a couple of years ago, they will subside, mine lasted a couple of weeks although the lack of appetite and early waking and vivid dreams lasted longer.

Definately excercise and fresh air, doing nice things for you - all my friends kept saying be kind to yourself and its something i had to force myself to do, so used to putting me and my needs last!!. Second " this too will pass" it became my mantra for a while! good luck.

I had symptoms like yours after a recent trauma. I was constantly trembling, and had heart palpitations. After two months I saw my doctor, although I did not want anti anxiety medication as I understood a lot of it can be addictive. He prescribed escitalopram, which is an anti depressant also used for anxiety. It was like a magic pill. My anxiety symptoms stopped within a week. Although this may not be the answer for you, it still might be worth seeing your doctor as they might be able to offer help that you had not predicted, as happened in my case. Good luck.

Thank you. I will give Kalms a go.

I know the best thing for me is probably to limit all contact with DP but for Ds sake at the moment, I feel I need to give him open access to DS at home (he is missing his daddy a lot).

This is because EXDP is staying with mutual friends who have no children and will not want DS there (yes DP should find somewhere more suitable but DS will loose out if I wait for this to happen). Also currently EXDP will mainly be able to see DS before or after work i.e. early morning/before bed so taking him out may not be a good idea.

TBH even the thought of him coming to collect DS will make me anxious. Maybe I just have to 'roll with it' and remember it will pass, I just hope I can reach that point without loosing my marbles!!

Ambercat and Ange8 thank you its really nice to know others have felt the same.

I think "not knowing" doesn't help- I dont know what I want to do or whether he would be willing to try again- what a muddle!!

Best of luck to you - I do hope things will get easier

I am in just the same position - very recently left abusive exH. I am relieved but the anxiety is awful. I wake up in the night wanting to throwup.

You do not have to allow him open access to your home.

BELIEVE me. I tried it and it is a bad bad idea.

After 2 years, I finally realised that Exp would NEVER find anywhere to live that he could take the children to, as long as he had no reason to. He was perfectly happy to visit them in my house, let them trash it (not his house, not his problem) then walk out on the whole caboodle and go back to his nice quiet adult shared house.

Within 2 weeks of me stopping him coming into my house (while making it clearl he was still welcome to collect for the evening, 3 nights out of seven) he realsied I meant business and get himself a one bedroom flat, and has the children one or two nights a week.

Your ex can and should take your ds out for the evening and he can (oh, yes - he can, despite whatever he says to the contrary, he CAN) and should find somewhere that will allow him to have a child to visit.

I am guessing that as soon as you stop rolling over and letting his idea of the limits of fatherhood dictate what YOU should do, he will suddenly find that the limits of fatherhood are not that huge, after all.

you feel stressed, I think because you feel out of control of your own life. Take back some control. You can say no to your ex and your son will NOT suffer. Ds1's behavior improved immeasurably when the ex stopped visiting my children here. It confused him, and upset him.

I suffered the exact same symptons after a breakup and, like you, I am normally a calm, non-anxious person. As others have said, it is important to look after yourself with food, exercise and treats; and I found Paul McKenna's 'I can mend your broken heart' really great because it has useful visualisation techniques for coping with those bad moments when you feel that things will never get better. Also Bach Rescue Remedy was my lifesaver.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Hi Pronoia EXDP is not perfect at all but is not abusive and would not allow DS to trash the house. He has DS every monday and does a pretty good job, he plans to take him to his grandma's on this day so they are not at our house.

DS is only just 3, EXDP works until 6 most days at the moment and so I thought the best idea would be a play at home when possible so that he still gets plenty of opportunity to see his Daddy. He has gone to seeing him every eve and morning to him not being here.

I know ideally he would have his own place which is suitable for DS but he has only just moved out and DS misses him terribly. Surely the best way to reassure DS that Daddy is still here for him is to allow him to visit here.

There will be rules- only with prior agreement, no arguements at all, I will stay out of the way, respect our home. The arrangement is temporary.

I just feel this is putting DS first. Yes its difficult for me but surely DS comes first and during these initial stages punishing EXDP by limiting contact with DS will only make DS suffer.

Sorry, but please be gentle with me, I am close to tears thinking that the right thing to do is to tell EXDP no visits to see DS unless he takes him out.

I had exactly the same symptons when I suffered a horrible relationship shock. I clearly remember that food just tasted dry like ash in my mouth. I can reassure you that it will pass in time, but I know it will be hard to take much comfort from that at the moment.

I found that focussing on little comforting things helped a bit - just tiny treats to look forward to during the day, like a nice cup of tea or buying a trashy magazine, or getting a sandwich from M&S. And also keeping physically busy in the house and garden - which had the benefit of helping me sleep. Also, getting deep into a book or film and playing with the children - especially outside.

Thinking of you....

Thank you Mrs Jellicle, I am glad to hear that you felt better in time and look forward to that happening to me too.

I guess I am looking for a magic fix - a pill (will try the Kalms), or a way of thinking or something. When perhaps the only answer is time and acceptance (the first I can do, the second is harder).

I'm sorry this is hitting you so hard, Paddle. You've felt very conflicted about your relationship for a long time, so the stress & anxiety have probably been building up for ages. The advice you've been given is all good - especially "it WILL pass!" Help yourself along by eating food: at this stage, it doesn't matter if you live on chocolate, anything that provides your body with energy is good! Drink plenty of water, too.

I second the recommendation for citalopram from the doctor. Long-term stress has knock-on effects throughout your system and can make you seriously (physically) ill. I know this to my cost. Modern medications help to balance the neurotransmitters, which are affected by emotions. There's at least a dozen different types to try - citalopram works well with anxiety, for most people.

Remember to keep your relationships going - even if you can only manage a few comments on Facebook, it helps you stay in touch with your support network! Do something you enjoy every day: a small thing's okay, just to remind yourself you care about you

Stay well. xx

even if you dont want to cut contact from every day perhaps you should at least give your self one or two evenings a week where dad does not come to the house so that you ahave these days "free".

i do think the coming to the house wont work long term but see why you doing it - but so long as ds sees his dad regualrly -and knows that if it sint today ti wioll be tomorrow or day after, then he will settle into a routine.

there must have been times when dad was away for a few days before?

you DONt have to have ex in your house every day - ds will cope fine if he has two evenings a week without seeing dad.

I would echo what others have said about the physical symptoms and they seem to come after any "relationship shock" as Mrs.Jellicle so eloquently put - and not just when a relationship has ended.

There can also be some physical pain, especially in the chest or the abdominal area. I remember Bob Geldof explaining this years ago and didn't understand that then - I do now.

I was interested in your analogies of when you have felt that "butterflies" feeling before - and I could relate to those - and also my "shock" feelings. I realise now that in part, some of those feelings are actually adrenaline, produced naturally by the body when we are gearing up for a new experience.

It might not feel like it now, but at least some of what you are feeling can be attributed to a part of you that is excited at the opportunity for a different life to the one you have been living. Your DP's departure has opened up an array of choices that you might not have been brave enough to make by yourself.

I didn't go down the AD route, but I wish I had tried some herbal remedies. Eating easily digestible food (like cereal) helped, as did lots of physical exercise and drinking water to avoid dehydration through lack of food. Physically, this resulted in a 1.5 stone weight loss, a toned body and clear shiny eyes, so it was not all bad!!

Yes adrenaline thats it, but its a horrible feeling when it won't go away. I wake up an my first thought is "wow I'm excited must be doing something brilliant today. Then I realise I feel this way from anxiety or whatever and its a horrible realisation. I have lost lots of weight already but can't be good to do it this way!!

Cestlavielife thank you for your understanding about EXDP visiting DS. He won't be coming every evening- probably one in three at first, then one in four.

EXDP has been away for days at a time on several ocassions but the difference now is that DS knows he is not 'on holiday' but is staying with uncle XXXXXX, and somehow he knows the difference. He asked to call EXDP this morning and as soon as he answered the phone he began to cry and said "Daddy come home", I was gobsmacked and so sad for him.

I have told him Mummy and Daddy love him always, and he can be cross, sad, happy, naughty and we will still love him.

I just want to reinforce the message that Daddy is still 'there' for him and I feel just now we can do this by making sure DS still sees Daddy. It can't continue long term. I know the relationship between EXDP and DS is up to him to manage but I feel it would be wrong to say he can't come over at the moment.

We are going away to visit a friend for a few days on Friday (to somewhere DS is familliar with). When we return I will have to sit down with EXDP and establish a few ground rules about seeing DS, money for DS etc. I will let the ground settle until then- and try to keep my sanity.

Butterflies are still going crazy, I wish they would just fly away!!

I think it's fair to limit your XP's access to your house to some extent. Its your home, not his home any more, and you are entitled to take your own wellbeing into account. Otherwise he will just drop in when he wants to and this will make it harder for you to move on.

ummmmm dont give ds carte blanche to be naughty....rules still apply...

"it is ok to feel sad that daddy lives in another house but you will see daddy on xxxday" make him a wall chart days of week to show when he will see daddy, with photos.

"it is not ok to be naughty, i dont like nnaughty behaviour but i still love you" (after time out or whatever...)

Just come in - you symptoms are entirely normal.

That nervous, trembling feeling lasted for a few weeks with me, I'm afraid. I was prescribed beta blockers which helped but they were a low dose.

Try valerian, Boots sell it or Holland and Barratt. You can get daytime and nighttime ones.

I also did the 7/11 breathing technique when i felt myself getting anxious. Breathe in to a count of 7 and out to a count of 11. Breathe deep from your diaphragm, your stomach raises when you breathe in.

I had two weeks of nausea and didn't eat properly for about 3 months, and lost 2 1/2 stone, not the ideal way to lose weight but I am gaining now.

I didn't go on anti-depressants as I didn't want my already troubled mind altering, I wanted to be in control, But that was my choice and I know they work for some.

I went out walking and to the gym and tried to go to bed early no matter what rather than sit up watching crap TV or mulling things over.

I think the lack of sleep had the biggest impact on my health.

Most effective of all was a lack of contact with ex. Not seeing or talking to him unless absolutely necessary was the only way to control the anxiety.

Even now if I know I have to see him I take a beta blocker, just to take the edge off but otherwise I am so much better.

I do feel terribly sad for you, nothing I can say will change what you are dealing with but try and be optimistic. My happy outlook on life has served me well.

Thank you for your advice. I am having to make a real effort not spoil DS or let him get away with stuff because he is missing his Daddy. I feel terribly guilty so its easy to overcompensate.

I had wondered about beta-blockers. I was prescribed them for persistant migranes once and they were a fantastic help. I noticed that a side effect was no anxiety symptoms during stressful situations. Maybe they might help me through this.

The idea of no contact with EXDP makes me sad, silly I know but its hard to get my head around being 'alone' now and seperating myself fully from him. He came to collect some stuff earlier (DS was still with my Mum as she had him so I could work today). I was proud that I made myself go out and stay out until he had finished. I am now busy mumsnetting to avoid the temptation to contact him (and escape the feeling of hurt that he has not contacted me- oh there I go being stupid again!).

HAve made a GP appointment for today as I was up most of the night with feeling anxious. My head feels OK but my body is struggling with thse anxious feelings butterflies, shaking, sweating and its making it hard for me to function normally.

I am going to ask if she would consider betablockers to help me in the short term. I am a bit embarassed about 'asking' for a particular medicine (I am sure GPs don't like being asked for pills) but its worth a shot.

I too contacted my ex regularly (every day) when he first left, that need for contact was so great. He came to see me a couple of times a week as well, and as we were both emotional and I suppose struggling with the finality of it all, it was a comfort.

But then my sadness turned to anger and I couldn't speak on the phone to him, let alone see him. So to protect myself I no longer call, and when he calls me about once a week, I am very short and to the point with him.

If he says he's coming to see me, I refuse unless it is for a discussion about the divorce .

If he is coming to collect anything that belongs to him, I go out and leave it outside the house.

Being alone is hard, my DC are at University, work, friends, family do help, but they are no replacement (for me anyway) for having someone to eat dinner with, curl up on the sofa with and wake up next too.

Sorry to be such a misery, but I wanted to say that your feelings are to be expected, don't rush to feel better, it does take time.

Hi,
I dont know if you will see this message now as its may, But i was wondering how you are feeling now as im going through the same thing.

I have a 3 year and 16 month old and really struggle to get up in the morning and deal with it all, i feel sick all the time and shakey most of the time. Its a horrible feeling and stopping me being strong for my kids.

My husband and me have just parted ways and its really hard im finding reasons to contact him, but he is not contacting me back, he is staying at a friends and having funny and i think it makes its harder for me, because i feel im the only one missing the marriage, even though it was not working for a long time.

Pls send a update it would be nice to know what you did and helped you manage better.

Thanks

I used to get those feelings. H left me 5 months ago with 4dc. I used to get sweaty, heart racing, etc.

I did deep breathing, tried to almost remove myself from my body and literally just open door, kids go and that's it. I do something small each day for me, even of just a magazine or paint my nails. I have lost so much weight through not eating because the anxiety feels too much, but it's definitely improving. I find distraction is te best when eating - read or watch telly whilst eating, or engage dc in their favourite conversation.

Try to see an adult every day. The feelings do go and the bad days do get less and less, I promise.

thanks, its nice to know it gets easier. im not eating much either, lost a lot of weight, too much now, went from a size 14 to a 8.

I kept changing my mind from missing him and wanting him back. it really confusing.