Do any of you think your ex could be a great partner with someone else?

[Rumbled]

I'm not actively looking for a new partner. But when I said to a friend that I might like to be in a relationship again one day, she said - I suppose on account of the dearth of thirty-/forty-something single men around here - "Ah, well, you'll be waiting for the deaths and divorces then."

Interesting.

I can't recall reading much positive stuff on here about ex-husbands and ex-partners. They seem to either be crap partners and so their wives have left them, or else have walked out on their wives and children, which (in most such scenarios on here at least) makes them crap. And yet, there must be couples who split simply because they change over time and in ways that can't continue to work together; and men who have left their wives because their wives were treating them badly in their relationships.

Anyway, not wishing for the wives of lovely men to pop their clogs and so make their husbands available (honest!), I'm just curious as to how many of you have an ex who you think could actually make a truly decent partner for someone else; a "good man" in the respectful, trustworthy, pro-equality, kind, loving (and the rest of it) Mumsnet sense.

FWIW, I wouldn't recommend my ex - nor myself for that matter (at the moment!).

Well, I think my dh might be happier with someone less volatile than me. I often wish I could be different for him, but I'm learning that I can't. I'm sure he'd find a model of sweetness and light much more relaxing.

He sticks around, though.

I wouldnt wish my ex on my worst enemy

Sorry, didn't read op properly.

Dh not an ex.

Will shuffle off.

Hmmm. Not sure. Ex might be okay if:

• he didn't have dcs with New Partner (our DD being born definitely triggered all sorts of childhood Ishoos)

• she delighted in doing all the housework and warmly appreciated his sporadic efforts, with no expectations that he would have to do anything unless he felt like it.

• she was less well-educated and full of admiration for his towering intellect.

• she had lots of money (which he was welcome to spend on himself) but a career that doesn't outshine his.

• she was enthusiastic about sex, very bendy, welcomed it every time he initiated it but never ever initiated it herself, didn't want foreplay, and was finished when he was.

• she was very stylish, wore lots of makeup and triggered lust in other men (but not too much).

• she was eternally grateful to be with him.

Come on, ladies, you know you want him!

My first husband would probably be a superb partner for later life. He is goodlooking (with a bit of surgical help in the past,) financially organised, generous, energetic, intelligent, appreciative of good food (and not a bad cook), excellent at DIY, always reads all instructions so actually knows how to use all gadgets, an animal lover, has been known to read books etc etc. I can thoroughly recommend him in these areas. However, you need not to have children or they should have left home, preferably you shouldn't have grandchildren as he loathes children full stop, is practically allergic to them, and it would also be better if all your other family and friends were dead or long gone from your life as he doesn't like family occasions or much contact with other people. I think I can find his Facebook page if anyone's interested.

I hoped so, then pretty much everything would have been my fault - you can't change anyone else but you can try to do something about yourself and stop the damage. Unfortunately he has gone on to leave a trail of destruction in the lives of other women and children and if I hadn't been so willing to blame myself I might have been able to do something about preventing that.

Nicknametaken

We should get our ex's together, they would get on like a house on fire!

I'm in starshaker's camp, wouldn't wish him on anybody and will actually feel a leetle bit sorry for anyone he ends up with down the line (hopefully a man so I no longer have an incredible urge to shove him forceably out of the closet).

My exdh has been single since we split eleven years ago.. I actually feel sorry for him. But it just confirmed that I was well rid.

Wouldn't wish him on anyone, yet would be happy for someone to take him on, as he might leave me the he'll alone.

My exP would make a great husband for someone else. He's v good looking, good job, great at DIY, outdoorsy, kind, great with children and old ladies. Not good with formal situations though, hates going out for dinner (which I love) but really good company at informal things.

I tried soooo hard to make it work for 5 years but the chemistry just wasn't good and he was more like a brother to me.

Would love to see him happy with the right person now though, I still feel like such a bad person for leaving him, he did nothing wrong.

aw Darklydreaming - what a lovely post

aSilverLining - shudder! I just wouldn't want to be in the same room. No doubt we'd be expected to serve tea/beer/beverage of choice, with a smile, and leave the men to their important talk.

I think my DP was a bit of a dick when he was with his ex-Mrs. He's older now and says he's learnt a lot from that - I know he feels he was to blame for quite a lot of their ishoos. So people (even exs)can change and grow. Also, I think that people respond differently to different people. For instance, I run around after him like a little wife because I love cooking and housework but I am very strict about him being considerate and supportive, me making decisions and working on the relationship etc. From what I know his ex was the polar opposite and our dynamic suits him better.

Mind you, there is one of my exs... now theres a lost cause! Don't know who or what he would suit!

Thanks for the post OP - very, very thought provoking

Nope.

Not unless they like unwashed Peter Pan types who don't want to work.

Still, I suppose if they don't mind the above and are willling to take on a 50 year old 'project', it might be ok..............

nah. Not, as starshaker said, on my worst enemy.

PMSL nicknametaken and also a scarily, accurate description of my exh.

Darkly - I'm just like you; my ex was a lovely bloke (much nicer than me) but after 8yrs(!) the chemistry was well and truly gone and I was just walking all over him instead.

I worried about whether he would be ok after we split and was so pleased when he found a nice girl

My DH is nowhere near as 'nice' a person - much better!

silver are you another who thinks their ex is hiding in the closet somewhere. Think it was the gay porn, chatlines that makes me think this. My ex has mummy issues and is scared to do anything unless he asks his dad. Think he must be so much happier being back with them and only having to be a dad when i suits him

My BF's ex is like this - he's a lovely bloke, kind considerate etc etc. They just grew apart, and wanted very different things from life.

In fact, sometimes I get quite sad for him, as he wanted kids and she didn't and he went along with that. Now, he feels he's probably too old to start a family and has missed out on that.

I really hope he finds someone else when he's ready.

God No! XP is a nasty piece of work. He has a new girlfriend but from what I have heard she is a bit useless. Feel really sorry for her TBH.

I, however, am quite fabulous and would be a wonderful partner but don't have the time to look these days.

Vivian. My life is sooooo not that colourful....

I think my ex-H could be a good partner to someone who isn't me - we were just not compatable. Also, his new partner would have to not want children as ex-H definitely doesn't. But he works hard, he can be very kind, he's an incredible cook etc.

I wouldn't wish either xp on anyone!
XP1 mummy's boy, expects everything done for him. Doesn't clean his teeth for days (longest was 1 week!).

XP2 Likes to hit children and be generally nasty to them especially if they aren't his! Already has 7 kids! Thinks he knows everything and is always right. Claims to be unable to work.

Any takers?

I've never had an actual H but at least three of my former DPs have gone on to marry the woman they shack up with after me...

It's like I prepare them or something. Of course, it could actually be that after me everyone else seems like a complete dream (although two of three are divorced now ).

I realise I sound like serial shagger but I am 44 and have only had DD for 2 years!

Unfortunately I cannot recommend mine either. He has been with his new girlfriend for about six weeks now, she has practically moved in with him and he is already planning marriage according to DD.

Although I?m glad to be away, I still wonder if I?d been different (i.e. stronger with him) whether it would have worked. DD thinks that ex and new gf will be OK together because she doesn?t put up with any nonsense. Though to be honest I was very intimidated by him and felt like I was walking on eggshells a lot of the time, and I?m not a complete push-over in other areas of my life, I still can?t help wondering whether he will be different with another woman.

Here?s his list of criteria anyway:-

Must have a well-paid career and be ready support him financially while he dedicates himself to his business interests which actually don?t make any money.

Must be either educated beyond degree-level or attractive enough for other men to be envious of him.

Must never be ill but always ready to offer support to him regarding his many illnesses

Can have children or pets (pedigree only) as long as they don?t have any opinions that may clash with his

Must be from middle-class background with wealthy parents as he will need to plan how ?his inheritance? will be spent

Multi-tasking ? must be able to hold down a full-time job, do all household chores (except the garden and cars) run children to and from school/minders, co-ordinate appointments and diaries without appearing to do any of it. i.e., if you are seen to be doing any of the above at a time when you should be catering to his needs then you will be labelled as selfish and uncaring.

If he does by any chance clean, hoover, cook or similar, the efforts must be noticed straight away and positively commented upon.

May not go to bed until he does (around 1am most nights). An early start is no excuse. Do not expect him to get out of bed before 10am or 11:30 am at weekends. If you must get up earlier than this, neither you, any children or pets must make any noise until after 10am.

Must be happy for him to criticise anyone you like or admire

Must dress in a way befitting your station and drive a suitable car

Must be prepared to have no social life or interests that are not shared by him. If he is not willing to share these then they must be discarded.

Must at all times project an image to others of a happy, wealthy, middle-class family.

Will be expected to negotiate your working hours to suit him, otherwise this will be seen as putting your career before your family. In addition, you may not show any concern about work issues when at home or you will be referred to the mental health services with stress issues which are damaging to family life.

May not ask for any personal changes or offer constructive criticism or advice as this is considered to be controlling