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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

17 weeks pregnant - just found out the baby has died...

36 replies

MummyWilliams · 26/04/2010 20:50

We lost a baby last year at 15 weeks, now this, we have just found out that we lost this one at 17 weeks. Can our relationship survive? xxx

OP posts:

Ivykaty44 · 26/04/2010 20:51

oh that is so sad, how are you both dealing with this, could it bring you closer together?

lifesucks · 26/04/2010 20:52

i have no advice but i am so sorry for your loss.x

AnyFucker · 26/04/2010 20:54

I am so sorry x

I don't know how to answer your question, but I sincerely hope you can support each other through this distressing time

kormachameleon · 26/04/2010 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortoise · 26/04/2010 20:54

No advice but really sorry you are going through this for a 2nd time. x

Habbibu · 26/04/2010 20:55

Posted on your other thread - we lost dd1 in 2005, then had dd2, then a molar pregnancy, and now have ds. It has been hard, but we are stronger than ever - you have to work at it, and be kind to each other, and it's hard when you feel so sad and angry., but it is possible to get through.

iwasyoungonce · 26/04/2010 20:55

How terrible. I am so sorry. Did your relationship suffer badly last time?

Make sure you look after yourself, you poor thing.

essenceofSES · 26/04/2010 20:56

I am so sorry for your loss

Your relationship can survive. Be there for eachother. Cry, hug and talk and give eachother space and support to heal. A difficult balance but it can be done.

How has your DH reacted so far? Do you have any RL friends or family for support?

Wishing you strength - individually and in your relationship.

Wanderingsheep · 26/04/2010 20:57

I'm so so sorry that you're going through this. I have no advice about your relationship but I hope that you can get through this together. Please take care of yourselves.

tartyhighheels · 26/04/2010 20:57

No advice sweetheart but wanted to send my heartfelt best wishes to you.

Skegness · 26/04/2010 21:02

How awful for you. I'm so sorry. Many relationships do survive tragedic events like this. Wish there was a way to make it all better, magically.

glasgowlass · 26/04/2010 21:04

I am so so sory for your losses. I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling but wanted to pass on my sympathies.

Your relationship can survive this. You need time to grieve, both of you do, but please do as others have said and grieve together. Hug, cry, shout, talk....do whatever you need to do but do it together. I agree that counselling may be a worthwhile route for you both.

My cousin had 4 late losses, all around 15-18 weeks. She also has a DS(9y) and a DD(7weeks). Her and her husband are the strongest couple that I have ever known, they say they are this strong because of what they have had to face as a couple. Your relationship can survive, please dont put this worry on your shoulders just now.

Please please take care and look after yourself. Wishing you all the best and sending some very big un-mumsnetty hugs to you and your partner.

thatsnotmymonkey · 26/04/2010 21:06

So sorry for your terrible,tragic loss. No words of wisdom, just be honest with each other and be thankful that you have each other too. Keep talking and sharing
Sending you love and hope.

Blu · 26/04/2010 21:11

How very very sad. You must feel so desparate. I'm so sorry.

littlemoominmamma · 26/04/2010 21:13

This happened to a friend of mine who went on to have a perfectly normal pregnancy - don't give up hope - sorry for the loss of your little one.

candyfluff · 26/04/2010 21:17

so sorry for your loss .thinking of you both x

SeaShellsOnTheSeaShore · 26/04/2010 21:31

Hi MW, I posted on our other thread, thinking of you.

I got really good advice from a friend of dh's when we had our second mc- the men always get forgotten. They are not physically going through it, but have a whole variety of strong emotions (he'd also been through 2 with his dp) it really stuck with me, and let us both be very open- sharing the tears, and making sure I asked him if he was ok, being aware of him when I was on the ward etc. As well as him looking after me. It was really shit, we argued about nothing but also just lay holding each other.It helped avoid resentment/thinking it was me dealing with it on my own iykwim

I think counselling can be really useful, if only to actually talk, insted of watching tv/mning/subconsciously avoiding it.

But mostly it's been time, and hanging on to each other until it got better, and this pg began to look more positive. And I think we are even stronger now because of it-the petty things just don't matter like they use to. We have been forced to have perspective on life.

Original poster

MummyWilliams · 27/04/2010 09:36

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has replied. My DP is a very quiet person, he will not let on his true feelings, I have to second guess most of the time. We have children, but they were from our previous relationships. We both know we can do it. But it seems we just can't do it together.

We had a brief chat last night, I think we're going to be ok. Like most of you have said, maybe some counselling together will be a good thing. I am going to try and organise that when we go to the hospital later today.

Anyway the reason for this post, was just to thank everyone who took the time to respond. I really am truly grateful.

xxx

OP posts:

whatname · 27/04/2010 10:22

so sad for you. x
only thing i can say is try try try to talk to each other. So much can get overlooked or forgotten or misconstrued, if you try and talk whenever you can, it will minimise the possibility of any of this stuff happening.
Sorry, words not coming together very well here!!

counselling is a good idea

ineedabodytransplant · 27/04/2010 10:43

MummyWilliams,

Words won't really help much I know. And I also know that people will be telling you these things happen for a reason. Maybe they do, maybe they don't but I know all you and your DP feel is pain and loss.

We lost two babies when my wife was 6 and 7 months pregnant. Totally devastating, and if people haven't any experience of how much it hurts then they cannot ever know what you are going through. We have since had two daughters now, 25 and 22.We have never forgotten our two boys though, and it's almost as if they are still here with us. (Purely between the two of us of course).

I hope that you talk to each other, we didn't really speak to anyone else about things too much. If you think having some counselling can help then go for it.

Good luck for the future

verytellytubby · 27/04/2010 12:34

I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope conselling helps.

Good luck for the future.

HappyWoman · 27/04/2010 15:56

so sorry for your loss - I am actually a sonographer and really never know how to handle these situations.

There are the facts - but it is hard to know what to say to a couple.

I am sure i always get it wrong .

But something to bear in mind - let the people who help you through this know how you are. Especially when there is a happier outcome.

The happy stories are what help us (staff) get through it all somedays.

Take care.

Habbibu · 27/04/2010 19:21

happyWoman - if it's any consolation, the doctor who did my scan and diagnosed dd1 was wonderful - she did an early scan for us with dd2, and we were able then to thank her for her kindness, tact and sensitivity in breaking terrible news - I'll never forget her, and people who care about their jobs, like you, make all the difference.

She actually came looking for us on the ward when dd2 was born - we'd left, which was a real shame, but it was so sweet of her.

LittleMissHissyFit · 27/04/2010 20:18

My heart goes out to you. I wish you all the best and wishing you and your DP all the luck in the world getting past all this. Keep talking to each other.

jazee · 27/04/2010 22:46

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my second baby at 38 weeks, but have gone on to have 2 more beautiful boys. Please get all the support offered, I had counselling for a year, right up until my 3rd son was born. It really helped. I knew she would never get fed up with hearing about things over and over.
Make sure you let your team of midwifes etc know about your history next time (if you decide to try again.) You may be offered extra scans along the way.
I support and receive news letters from Tommy's Campaign, a charity for prem births, miscarriage etc. They do lots of research. Sometimes men and women can grieve very differently. This could make you a really strong couple - your relationship can survive.
Hope this has helped. Thinking of you.

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