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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not in love, anyone feel the same?

32 replies

mrsmoores · 26/04/2010 12:34

Is anyone else in this situation?

I'm not in love with dh any more and haven't been for a long time and don't seem to want to try ro get that back. I don't fancy him or find him attractive. For me it is gone. He is not a horrible person and we do get on ordinarily. He is self centred and I'm too soft. I think when we got together I knew it was the safe option.

I have told him I don't love him anymore and don't know what I want, since telling him a couple of weeks ago not once have I really thought, yes lets make this work. I just keep thinking I want to go and build something for myself. I can't seem to see a future where I am happy that we are together or that I will ever feel that love for him again. I would be doing it to please him and 2 DS but not for me.

But although that is how I feel today I am also struggling with the concept of actually leaving and why I don't want to try to make the relationship work?

I am waiting to see someone from relate on my own and the waiting is very painful.

Has anyone else been here or is in this situation?

OP posts:
FrazzleRock · 26/04/2010 13:11

I'm there right now.

We tried Relate but could only afford one go. It worked for a couple of weeks but we're back to square one again.
We also have two DS's.

FrazzleRock · 26/04/2010 13:15

Meant to add (pressed post too quickly), I think H has finally accepted we need to split up. He suggested it this morning - it was a huge relief to hear it but I'm also extremely sad that we can't make it work or that I don't want to try anymore.
We're just so different and want completely different things out of life.

I find it hard to talk to friends in RL and was about to start a thread on here when I saw yours.
I feel like screaming and shouting right now but my mother's coming over in a bit and there's no way I can talk to her right now so will have to try and act normal

bunsandroses · 26/04/2010 13:19

I am there as well, have been to Relate but didn't really help in the long term for me, although I am sure it does fora lot of people. I am living a weird limbo at the moment, not sure really what to do, don't want to hurt anyone and worry about my DS.

I know you must be in a lot of pain now, but it is almost allowing all the thoughts to settle in your head, and thinking in small chunks about your future. Also, think about what you would like to be aired in Relate, it is very important that you feel you have been heard and that you have told your DH why this has happened.

Sorry you are feeling so bad

FrazzleRock · 26/04/2010 13:29

buns - I agree about the limbo thing. I'm also worried about the DS's, plus I have no idea how I will pay the mortgage/bills on my own.
I can't expect H to pay for his own place plus pay half of the house bills!
WTF do people do financially when they split?

bunsandroses · 26/04/2010 13:34

I think he has to pay you 10% of his earnings by law. You will also be entitled to Child Tax Credits if you don't get them already. There are also housing benefits etc, I am not up on all this but I think a call to benefits office and they can tell you what you are entitled to.

This is just a temporary measure while you get on your feet, once you have got a routine and your own space you will probably be able to see more clearly how you can earn more money. Could you work part time or are your DC very young?
He cannot just walk away and not pay towards your DCs

Original poster
mrsmoores · 26/04/2010 13:41

Thanks so much for you posts, I worry too about the finances, the kids not being with him all the time and the pain I would cause to dh if I left but these aren't good enough reasons to stay.

I don't want to wake up in 10 years time and feel like I've lost a huge part of my life.
My poor head is feeling very tired with all this thinking and frazzle I know exactly what you mean about wanting to scream!

Relate for us seems to be this great hope and everything seems to be pinned on it at the mo. Hopefully I will get to see them soon.

OP posts:
FrazzleRock · 26/04/2010 13:43

I work full-time as a Childminder but earn no where near enough to pay the mortgage and bills. I cant just about manage to pay half.
H would pay his fair share but I can't expect him to have to pay for somewhere to live himself plus carry on paying half of our bills. I can't see how that would be fair - especially as I'm the one who wants to split!

FrazzleRock · 26/04/2010 13:44

mrsmoores - I'm pretty sure we are the same person! Everything you say is exactly what's going through my mind.
It's nice to know I'm not going mad when I feel like tearing my hair out

Original poster
mrsmoores · 26/04/2010 13:49

It's exhausing isn't it!

OP posts:
FrazzleRock · 26/04/2010 13:55

It really is.
H asked me this morning if I was seeing someone else - because obviously everything has to revolve around sex
I actually laughed but now it looks like I am having an affair and it was nervous laughter
I'm really not having an affair. I just found it so funny - how the hell would I have time to have an affair? I work full-time and I have two children (well, three if you count H)

bunsandroses · 26/04/2010 14:15

It is so exhausting, mrsmoore i totally agree with you about waking up in 10 years time and thinking i have been so unhappy for years.
I also feel that the longer you stay it changes something fundamental about you. I feel like i am a tense, moany stressball because i feel resentful about the situation i am in. I don't want to be like this, i feel like i have the capacity to be really happy. I think you are so brave to be dealing with the situation now.

Original poster
mrsmoores · 26/04/2010 14:28

Don't feel very brave at the mo! It is also horrible being the person having to say these things as I am usually so unconfrontational, but maybe that is part of the problem too.

I really thought getting married, having a baby etc would make everything ok but now that I am coming out of the fuzz of nappies etc I am realising how much of me I have put on hold and that it has all just distracted me from my true feelings towards dh. Maybe that's why I just don't see a future.

OP posts:
Nattynoodle · 26/04/2010 14:45

I am in the same situation, I just don't want to be with DH. I don't want to do anything together as we don't share the same interests. Tried Relate years ago, but he wouldn't come as he couldn't see the point of talking! Got three DC, teenagers now. Told DH yesterday that I wanted us to go our separate ways. Been in this situation a long time but previously the thought of a future on my own has frightened me and I too am unconfrontational.So I have let the situation drift on and on.

FrazzleRock · 26/04/2010 22:08

Hey nattydoodle, I can understand the fear of being alone.
I'm terrified of being a single parent.
This wasn't supposed to happen.

Mrsmoores, I also thought marriage would help. We only married in Sept last year although have been together 9.5 years and have two Dcs. Why I thought a bit of paper would make things better is beyond me.

Since H has got home (late) he hasn't spoken to me.
I don't know what to do. I just wish I could have a normal adult conversation with him.
Everything I say is wrong and he persistantly interrupts me so it's easier to ignore eachother.
How long will this go on?
I've given up tonight and am going to bed.
Another shitty day looms....

Nattynoodle · 27/04/2010 17:33

I have thrown myself into developing my career, and focus on the children. DH doesn't work now and his health is not brillant. Sometimes I think that he plays on his health and he is wrapped up in his health that he doesn't notice when I was unwell such as last summer. DH was surprised to discover that !
I haven't wanted to even celebrate special birthdays with him or do much else with him. There is little we have in common, and so don't speak much. I get my support from my girls friends.

FrazzleRock · 28/04/2010 14:13

That's good Natty, keep yourself busy!

We're in limbo still, I don't think either of us want to start that "What next?" conversation

PuckBunny · 28/04/2010 22:37

This is just how i feel. Decided about 2 years ago that we needed to end relationship (1 DS) but housing crash meant I couldn't discuss it. Just having to sort out work contract to make my f/time work more permanent before broaching subject. Not had sex for over 2 years, sleep in separate bedrooms but I am sure when I talk to him about it for the first time it will come as a 'huge shock'. Been to Relate twice in last 8 years, no good for us but I can see for others how it might work.

This going round my head for the last 2 years is slowly driving me crackers.

PuckBunny · 28/04/2010 22:38

btw, my mum was unhappily married for most of her life and a lot of my motivation comes from the 'why should I be unhappy for the rest of my life' philosophy

Original poster
mrsmoores · 29/04/2010 09:14

I have my first relate session tonight on my own and I am dreading it. This is such a horrible situation to be in as he still loves me and really wants to make it work and is trying really hard. He's not a horrible person and we do get on it's just that I don't feel the same way and it is eating away at me. I feel that I could be happier elsewhere.

Then I think of all the hurt I will cause, the damage to the children etc and I feel physically sick but if I think of the alternative of living a lie I feel worse. Magic wand please to make this all go away!!

OP posts:
FrazzleRock · 29/04/2010 13:01

mrsmoores, good luck for tonight. I think it'll really help.

Wave that magic wand over this way please!

I just wish I could go back to how I felt in the beginning - I was absolutely besotted with him!

I think I might head over to Lone Parents and see how they made that first decision to split and what happens next......

lunavix · 29/04/2010 18:30

Was having a nose on here and saw this so thought I'd post. Ex-h and I split coming up three years ago, it was tough and there's been some very hard times. But regardless, I don't regret it.

If you need any advice or anything, I'll try to help x

Original poster
mrsmoores · 29/04/2010 21:49

So first relate was good, feeling positive at the mo will probably crash again tomorrow!

She helped me to see that it is ok to feel this way and that relationships don't always last forever even if there was lots of love in the first place. That although it is hard I won't alwys feel this way and with guidance breaking up doesn't have to be hideous for all involved. I thought she was just going to tell me I had to work at my marriage. In some ways I can't wait until next week!

The lesson of the day is that guilt is a wasted emotion! (doesn't stop me feeling it though!)

Thanks again for all you wise words and I hope I can be of help to people too.

OP posts:
FrazzleRock · 30/04/2010 12:11

That's really good mrsmoores, did you get an appointment through your GP? I'm wondering if I can get a free session that way....?

I thought we'd got somewhere last night - we spoke quite amicably and were nearly decided on staying together, but he decided to drink 3/4 bottle of vodka, staying up most of the night before finally falling asleep on the sofa and woke in a really immature, foul and hungover mood. Made me realise that actually I definitely want us to separate.

I'm really down today, not sure how to lift my spirits. Just feel like proper shit.

I want all this to be over now

FrazzleRock · 30/04/2010 12:16

mrsmoores - how did your dh react when you told him you don't love him anymore?
I need to do the same but I can't bring myself to

Nattynoodle · 30/04/2010 19:19

Thank you very much for your support. Frazzlerock, how to lift your spirits? What support do you have from family/friends? Every time I try and talk to DH, he ends up feeling more depressed and he can't understand by that talking about issues I feel better as I have got things off my chest. I went to Relate years ago, but DH wouldn't come as he couldn't see the point in talking as he thought what could be achieved? Is that men's perception of Relate? DH feels that I am indifferent to him and it is true. I can't show affection if I have got no feeling there. There will come a crunch time...