come and help me understand my relationship

[ihaveaquestion2010]

I have name changed for this.

DP and I are both 27. We have been together for six years and now he has started talking about marriage and children. I know this is a huge step and I feel hesitant to commit to it. I am not sure if this is due to general fear or whether there are genuine problems that need addressing with our relationship.

1. I have been having wobbles about our relationship for about six months. I wonder whether I am ?in love with him? or whether we are just friends. I know that long term relationships do become more humdrum but can?t seem to work out if what I feel is normal after 6 years or if it is symptomatic of something more concerning.

In a nutshell, we have fun together, make each laugh and I enjoy his company. We rarely argue. BUT whenever I go away for work I don?t miss him and we never have sex. He wants to but I just don?t seem to think about sexually any more, even though I still think he is good looking from a subjective point of view.

2. I have a very busy social life and lots of friends, most of whom are single. I like to go out with my friends a lot and sometimes feel annoyed when he complains about this. In other words, I almost resent making time for him, even though I enjoy it when I do. I admit this is selfish.

3. I recently met another man who I was attracted to. It made me feel fresh and exciting and I will admit to having sexual feelings for him. I told him to back off because I don?t want to cheat and never would. But the contrast between my feelings for the new man and for my DP was stark. Again, I am not naïve and recognise that the newness of it all would also fade with the other man over time.

4. I don?t want to be with anyone else, really. I can?t imagine myself with anyone else. DP knows me inside out (although he is not aware of the extent of my ?wobbles?) so it isn?t as though I am searching for greener grass.

I suppose I am asking how you know if you are with the right person? Am I settling for someone or is the way I feel abut him the right way, the ?normal? way to feel about a DP? How do you feel about your DP/DHs? How did you know you wanted to marry them and have children with them?

Thanks!

first impression of your post is that there is a lot of good stuff about your DP.

problem boils down to it being a bit staid.

when you met the other man who interested you, it was purely sexual it seems? you didn't feel like you'd met someone you'd be happier with, you just felt you would like to sleep with him.

IMO it's promising that you are otherwise happy with your DP and you do find him attractive.

sounds like you need to shake up your relationship with your DP, get out of the old routines and see him in a different light, hopefully reignite the spark.

Yes, we have made more of an effort of late to actually do things together and it has been better.

The new man was largely sexual although I did like his personality as well.

It just concerns me that I don't want sex with my DP and haven't for a while.

yes, i can see where you are coming from in that you can't accept the idea of a lifetime like this, so it would be unfair to commit until it's addressed.
that is commendable OP, if only everyone did the same.

i can only suggest reading through similar threads on here to begin with, there are tons from others with the same sort of issue. there should be some advice that may apply.
thereafter there's always Relate, i think they could also help.

is it that you don't want sex at all, or can't imagine doing it with him?

if it's the former, have you tried getting yourself in a more sexual frame of mind. i saw some good advice on the other day about that, in that you could get a sex toy and start having a bit of practice on your own first. it's
very true that the more you do it, the more you want to do it.

I do want sex ...just not with him :-(

sounds like make or break time, sorry. You would know if you were in love with him - you certainly don't sound as if you are, my guess is the relationship is over for you. Maybe his suggesting greater committment is because he senses this too and is trying to avoid the inevitable.

whatever you do do not get married or have kids while the situation remains unresolved or as an attempt to bring you closer together- it will just magnify these difficulties x100 times..

Thanks all. Fear not, I am not about to get married/pregnant whilst these issues remain unresolved.

I have spoken to my DP a bit about my feelings. He was so upset it broke my heart :-( (I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it) but he agreed that things had become a bit routine (He has had depression but is working on it) and since then we have made a concerted effort to go out and do things rather than stay in.

I agree re the sex - maybe I need to "force" myself to do it, perhaps it's become alien because it's been so long.

I suppose I am afraid that a) if I end it I will have thrown something great away just because I got a bit fed up or b) if I carry on I will always wonder "what if" and ask myself if I simply settled for something because it was easier.

Agh - to have a crystal ball....!

Well, if you never have sex, you aren't going to get pregnant any time soon, are you?! I absolutely wouldn't get married if you don't have a sexual relationship at that age, you clearly do still have those feelings, but not about him. So, I would give it a go at trying to recover them (but breaking the no sex habit) and if that doesn't work, call it a day. I'd also talk to him about it, it's not a good sign and he will have noticed and be wondering if that's normal too before you are even married. I'm not saying it's the be all and end all, but unless you have mutually decided that sex is not for you but you are soul-mates in every other way, then I don't think it'll last anyway, especially with other fanciable males about.

run and don't look back

Hmmm.

This happened with me and my dh.

I put head over heart, got pregnant with him, and 12 years later have two kids with him and am now separating.

We didn't really resolve any of the issues we had, I just decided to be "sensible" and "grown up" because he was a good man, a good friend, reliable, etc etc.

And it didn't work, and I wish I had got out earlier - although am delighted to have had my 2 dds.

Sexual attraction is complex, blah blah blah, and you can do certain things to re va va voom it, but it does take work, and if you dont want to do the work that is a sign that there are other issues also.

I'm being a cautionary tale here, because I KNOW I should have had the courage to up and run at 27 instead of 39......or at 31, or at 35 - it's SO much harder now. You have one life.

wicker has the separation been prompted by sexual attraction elsewhere?

Talk to relate. You can go alone for the first session, if you feel more comfortable that wey. I think that they will help you focus on the key issues, and see which are more significant. I am pretty sure that they will agree that you are asking exactly the right questions and can help you understand the significance for the future.

Well done for confronting this now. It's brave but will save you both a lot of heartache further down the line.

Thanks for all your messages.

Will Relate see me as we are not married?

wickerman - I suppose your response was one I was fishing for, ie had anyone else been in my position and regretted/not regretted it.

food for thought.

I think it sounds like you are not in love with him.

Fwiw I am similar age to you and have been with my dh for 7 years. I still fancy him like mad and the more sex the better! I enjoy his company, we laugh a lot, chat, make fun of each other and love going out together as a couple. (We both have separate friends too) I wouldn't want to be with anyone else and when i'm out with the girls I don't look at other men 'like that'.

How would you feel if he slept with someone else? Sometimes your answer can say a lot.

Geek - I have asked myself that and I think that if he slept with someone else I would almost feel relieved

but in reality, I would also feel hurt.

Relate will see you. You can even go on your own if you like

The most important comment I wanted to make is: "If you have to ask, the answer's the one you didn't want" ... but you seem to be getting your head around that quite nicely. Well done, you.

The years from 21-27 are usually very packed, with your adult life taking shape and all sorts of major developments happening. It's quite possible you have simply grown away from him. What kicked his depression off? How did you feel about the events?

OP I have never been in your position but I can tell you about my sister; she is 36 now and though her twenties and thirties had a series of long term monogamus relationships. Each of the three was with a lovely man who thought the world of her. Treated her like a princess etc. She bought houses with them and the blokes all talked about marriage and kids. She never really went along with their assumptions on this front but didn't say so ourtright. Anyway in each case the end of the relationship was precipitated by the death of the sex life. In one case it took her 2 years to leave after they stopped having sex.

That particular bloke idolised her and still does, sadly for him, but she didn't feel he was "the one". So she left, and left the next one the same way. She was on her own for a bit and then met her current fiance. She is getting married soon and is deperate to get pregnant. She never felt like this with any of the others. Never really wanted to have their baby etc. I'm sure if she had settled becasue they were lovely and she didn't want to hurt them she would be very much regretting it now.

If you do decide to end things you mustn't beat yourself up too much about your partner's being hurt. You cannot help it if you have fallen out of love with him. It could just as easily be the other way round. He took the risk of getting hurt when he got together with you. That was his choice and his risk to take. So long as you treat him with respect, he has to be a grown up about it.

Thank you all for replying.

Mrs Boogie - your reponse gives me a lot to think about.

The thought of hurting him breaks my heart. I can't even think about it without crying. All I want is for him to be happy and almost feel as though that is my "job". Leaving him would feel like anathema to all that.

His depression wasn't really triggered by anything distinct. More a downward spiral into lethargy and drinking too much which he still does, but recognises that it is a problem and is really trying to make changes.

At first I was dragged down a bit too but then made the decision to go out and live my life. Hence why I have a lot of friends and he does not and perhaps why we have grown apart a little.

Oh this was me at about the same stage in my life. We were best friends but no real attraction.

I ended it and it was hard but within a few months I met my DH.

I do think at 27 you should not have to force the sex stuff when you're not married and don't have children.

Yes - I totally agree with LeQueen.

totally agree with Lequeen.
I am presuming you have plenty of mates?

But what if I decide not to settle and to seek the "in love" relationship of which LeQueen speaks and I never find it?

Won't I have thrown something away on the off chance?