come and help me understand my relationship

[ihaveaquestion2010]

I have name changed for this.

DP and I are both 27. We have been together for six years and now he has started talking about marriage and children. I know this is a huge step and I feel hesitant to commit to it. I am not sure if this is due to general fear or whether there are genuine problems that need addressing with our relationship.

1. I have been having wobbles about our relationship for about six months. I wonder whether I am ?in love with him? or whether we are just friends. I know that long term relationships do become more humdrum but can?t seem to work out if what I feel is normal after 6 years or if it is symptomatic of something more concerning.

In a nutshell, we have fun together, make each laugh and I enjoy his company. We rarely argue. BUT whenever I go away for work I don?t miss him and we never have sex. He wants to but I just don?t seem to think about sexually any more, even though I still think he is good looking from a subjective point of view.

2. I have a very busy social life and lots of friends, most of whom are single. I like to go out with my friends a lot and sometimes feel annoyed when he complains about this. In other words, I almost resent making time for him, even though I enjoy it when I do. I admit this is selfish.

3. I recently met another man who I was attracted to. It made me feel fresh and exciting and I will admit to having sexual feelings for him. I told him to back off because I don?t want to cheat and never would. But the contrast between my feelings for the new man and for my DP was stark. Again, I am not naïve and recognise that the newness of it all would also fade with the other man over time.

4. I don?t want to be with anyone else, really. I can?t imagine myself with anyone else. DP knows me inside out (although he is not aware of the extent of my ?wobbles?) so it isn?t as though I am searching for greener grass.

I suppose I am asking how you know if you are with the right person? Am I settling for someone or is the way I feel abut him the right way, the ?normal? way to feel about a DP? How do you feel about your DP/DHs? How did you know you wanted to marry them and have children with them?

Thanks!

You're 27 you'll find it.

And to be honest its not fair for the other person to be the one you 'settled' on.

Agree, agree, agree.

I can't emphasise how much I regret not having had the cojones to walk at 27.

Although mitigated by 2 beautiful dds, who I obviously feel I was destined to have with him, so complex.

27! You are so so young!

Go and live your life.

Oh, please don't settle OP!

I agree with LeQueen - I am in love with my H, as he is with me - and we've been married nearly 26 years. Settling is always a compromise that people regret - and then they find themselves getting intensely attracted to others and finding sexual chemistry elsewhere.

It will hurt now, but nowhere near as much as years down the line, when you have ties that bind and children to think of.

Thanks all.

I am feeling very sad reading your messages.

I don't want to end up with regrets further down the line but neither can I bear the thought of all that hurt and pain which will inevitably ensure with a break up.

I guess I have some thinking to do.

Incidentally, I still want to hug him and be close to him and do feel affectionate towards him. It doesn't translate into sex though. Does this mean I love him?

It means you love him like a friend/brother.

It took me about 2 years to make the decision but felt so much better once it was done.

Good luck

Yes I think you do love him by the sounds of it - but you also love your close friends yes? There needs to be more.

I left my first H when I was 30 - similar situation, he had had depression, sex life non-existent, he started to talk about having children and I realised I could not carry on

It was horrible and I have to live with the knowledge of how much I hurt him

But I feel that in the long run I would have hurt him much more (and actually would have been taking the piss out of him) had I stayed and kept my doubts to myself

However, I just left - I didn't try to salvage things, I didn't talk to him. I think I should have done.

Down the line I have DH and 2 children and it feels right, the way it should be, we are very much in love. I'm glad I got out.

I suggest walking away. Basically, because we are told practically from the minute we learn to talk that couplehood-commitment-reproduction is our destiny, people frequently end up in situations like yours, coupled to a perfectly pleasant human being that there is no good reason to leave but no good reason to stay with either. EG, the other person isn't violent, selfish, rude, nuts or smelly, s/he is just sort of there. Because of the pro-couplehood propaganda, people often think that being single is so terrible that being with a pleasant but boring partner must be better, and that it's a sign of maturity to 'settle down' ie marry and breed, despite the fact that these things are not compulsory and it's much better to be single anyway than in an unsatisfactory relationship.
If you've had enough, you've had enough. It doesnt make you a bad person, nor does it make him a bad person that he is ready to bond and breed - his readiness doesn't entitle him to commitment from you when you are not so ready.

OP: YOu can feel very fond of this person and enjoy his company, but if you don't have sexual feelings for him, trying to force them is a bad idea, you will both end up bitter and resentful. It;s possible to love one's friends without wanting sex with them, same as you love your siblings but don't tend to want sex with them. If you can make the break with this man clean and kind, you may well be friends for the rest of your lives (unless he goes on to marry some monogamist buckethead who won't let him speak to Other Women).

Right. You might want to read my thread since my story is your cautionary tale:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/877947-We-are-separating-but-I-feel-SO-guilty

Br iefly, though, my wife and I married because we got on so well, but we never really had the chemistry of romantic lovers. We loved each other, but sex was never fulfulling (though I had nothing to compare it with until much later) and the desire sporadic. These issues were present right from the beginning of our relationship, and led to us splitting up. Even so we got back together and married, thinking that they would work themselves out, and surely the most important thing was that we got on so well. It's a good basis for a long term friendship, but it's a crap basis for a marriage. The end, when it came was fairly predicatble.

I would agree completely with the other posters who are recommending that you don't settle. It will be painful to end your relationship, but nowhere near as painful if have to end it, as we are doing now, years down the line when children are involved.

geekdad I rememeber your story. How are things now?

Totally agree with SGB and geekdad. If you don't want sex with him now it indicates that you don't love him - or only in a platonic way - and it's a terrible basis for starting a marriage. Your fancying the other man is also a warning sign. It's just not going to work, is it? You shouldn't even have to think about it: if he was right for you you should be desperate to marry him.

jasper, thanks for asking. Things aren't that great. We're still trying to get the house ready for selling, and in the meantime we have been flip-flopping about our original decision to separate. In the end though I think that we both know that we don't have a strong enough romantic/sexual connection to build a new relationship (we can't and don't want to go back to how things were before). Like the OP has said though, it's hard since we get on in so many other ways, and being single is a scary prospect.

I am far from convinced that you should split up. At least not yet. Ever heard of the 7 year itch?

Let's run through your list:

1. not "in love".

I am neither in the camp that says "being in love always fades with time" nor in the camp that says "you can and should be in love with your DH forever and ever, all the time".

My view is that being "in love" comes and goes. So there are likely to be periods when you don't feel in love with your OH. The real question is, how long has that been, and can you see it coming back?

I think that if you've been together 6 years, and you've only been having wobbles for 6 months, it would be over hasty to split up now. (But obviously, don't get married or have kids). Give it more time. Make more effort... then reconsider in another 6 months. You have plenty of time.

(2) don't miss him when I go away for work.

Hmmm. When I'm away I'm busy and in a different environment and don't miss DH. However when HE goes away, I really miss him. How do you feel when your OH goes away? That's a much better test.

(3) never have sex. think he is good looking but don't think about him sexually.

Again... this can come and go. Give it longer. And do try having sex even if you don't massively feel like it. You may find you enjoy it and it wakes your desire for your OH up again. If, having tried that a few times, you still feel the same... then that's a better signal you shouldn't be with him.

(4) fancy someone else, sexually.

I'd be inclined to say this is "grass is greener" syndrome. Doesn't necessarily mean much your OH isn't right for you long term ... rather, it means there is an issue with your relationship right now which is making you look elsewhere.

(5) prefer to spend time with friends than seeing OH.

This is the one that I think is most serious to be honest. If you genuinely prefer spending time with people other than your OH then he is not the right person. However you also say you enjoy spending time with your OH. Is it that you prefer your friends to your OH? Or is it that you prefer going out to staying in?

Anyway, I guess my overall message is give it more time. 6 months in the context of a 6 year relationship is not that long.

best of luck.

If you never have sex, you should definitely not get married / have children together.

You are 27. Go and find pastures new (and more stimulating).

Minipie: But that's basically a whole load of 'Be a grown up. Being single is bad. COuplehood is compulsory so just put up with it and make an effort. Force yourself to have sex when the idea makes you queasy because otherwise BAAAD stuff happens'
(like, ooh, being single. WHich is actually not bad at all).'

OP the basic problem here is the main monogamist myth that you are either a couple or you can never see each other again. This is crap. If you don't want to have sex with each other but do want to have sex with other people, treasure your friendship and have all the sex you want with other people, find other longterm partners if you want to, stay single if you're smart&lucky enough you prefer and forge the lives you want for yourselves.

best of luck geekdad

sgb as always , you are brilliant

I am your DP 10 years on with a relationship drawing to a close. I have two DCs who I love so much and wouldn't exchange for the world. But I also wish my ex had been true to her feelings and not dragged me along the bumpy road for 10 years. It was hard and it really took its toll on me. We were good friends (still are) and she 'felt safe' with me, but I realise now that she was never really attracted to me. Eventually Mr Right came along.

Uncomfortable as it may be, now it the right time to ask these questions of your relationship and, if necessary, end it.

I remember a time in the early years (before DCs) when she dumped me temporarily. It was painful - but not nearly as painful or complex as what I went 10 years later.

I wish you well.

Remember, OP, it's Ok not to 'love' this man. HOwever kind and decent he is, you don't have to be his partner if you would rather not be. Your only obligation is to be honest with yourself then honest - but kindly so - with him.