Please help, I am really desperate am regretting pushing DP away. He has left us.

[wheresmypaddle]

DP is far from perfect but I love him very much and I can live with the imperfections- as he lives with mine. We have a wonderful DS (just turned 3). We split up when DS was 1, and after much soul searching got together again a 9 months later.

We have been arguing a lot recently, things that I can usually live with have been getting too much e.g. he is a sportsman, doesn't earn good money despite working long hours but usually I can cope with this as I am glad he gets to do a job he loves, I work PT and make quite good money allowing us to pay mortgage etc.(a lot of these hours are practising which does not directly earn any money, I would like some more help with house/DS), I have lost my libido. We have both been have been stubborn and angry and our rows have been destructive and childish.

DP decided yesterday he couldn't take this situation any longer and has moved out. He said he feels we have gone round in circles trying to fix stuff and have got nowhere- with neither of us willing to budge.

I have had a lightbulb moment and realised I have been bottling up and hiding (even from myself) very very angry feelings about not being able to have a second child (a combination of doctors advice after a pregnancy induced brain hemmorage with DS and our lack of finances). This has made me blow issues that I think I can usually live with out of all proportion. Until this morning I thought I was being reasonable, now I realise to my shock I have been stubborn, unkind and quite nasty.

I have sent DP a text asking him to reconsider, apologising for my anger and stubbornness, explaining that I can now see I have an underlying issue that I need to work on (although somehow now I have admitted it to myself I feel much better). I have asked him if he is willing to sit down and have a constructive chat.

He hasn't replied. He is looking after DS today while I am at work, I called him and he said he said he can't think about it at the moment, he said he needs to block his feelings out to carry on and he just wants a nice day with DS. I know he has a right to being left alone but I feel so sad, so stupid.

I think I have thrown it all away and he won't give us another chance. I know him so know that he may well just stay so angry that he will refuse to open up and would rather walk away than face this head on because its too difficult for him.

I can barely function today, feel so desperate, feel I need to sort this NOW (which I know is stupid), can barely stop myself from constantly calling DP. I have ruined my family. I need help can anyone help me- tell me what to do- please??

PS I know I need to get some counselling, I will try to get some (unfortunately DP does not want to), but money is a problem and I really need to straighten my head out ASAP but know I will have to wait ages for an appointment.

hi there

i'm not one of these posters who can write paragraphs of insightful stuff in the Relationships topic. But...i thought i would just tell you the first thing that occurred to me after reading your post.
Which is that yes, you are desperate and want everything to be OK right now but you need to give your partner a little bit of space right now. you have said your piece, he knows you want to sort it out.

give him a little breathing space, chance to think and i'm sure he will come to realise that he would like to work on it too and will respond to you soon.

if you keep bombarding him with messages you might make him inclined to pull away.

anyway, hope it works out soon :-)

Thank you for replying to my message sunshiney. You are right but goodness its hard, I really really am struggling to leave him alone. Surely he knows deep down whether he is willing to talk things over or not.

I am afraid he will just refuse to face the seriousness of walking away and shut me out. When we last split up (which was not my doing) it took him months and months to talk things through with me, he also briefly found OW in that time. I so want him to talk things though with me once more.

If he gives me a chance I can prove I can make a better go of it.

I have even written a text offering him a lovely meal tonight if he will come and have a constructive talk. But I haven't sent it as don't want to bambard him as you suggest.....

Sorry to ramble, thank you for your advice.

I agree with sunshiney - do give DP some space. Well done, in being able to take a look at the situation from a distance and work out what your issues are. This will help hugely. I don't have masses of advice to give, but one thought came to mind. If your DP agrees to chat through things with you, be strong. Though you say that your issues are the problem - he will also have to make changes and not expect all change to come from your end (you did say he wasn't perfect). This will put even more pressure on you. No one is perfect, but all can try to be better. If you can't work out being together, you will need to work out how you can be united for your DS - setting up some structure for contributions etc. but let's hope that it does not come to that. Good Luck.

Thank you Mots. Your point about him needing to make changes is right, I have been a bit harsh but the issues do exist and changes probably need to be made for me to be truly happy.

The thing is, new he has left I feel I would rather live with the problems than live without him. I think if I expanded on the problems some people would say I might be better off without him- but I really really do want him to come back and suddenly all the stuff that I thought needed to be changed I now think it not such a big deal. But you are right, I would need to ask him to reconsider a few things.

Oh why have I been so stupid. Poor DS, he deserves better.

Men like practical things, don't they? It soothes them. So be practical. Make a GP appt and ask for the 6 free counselling sessions that every NHS patient is entitled to. ask if you can have them ASAP. It might be a wait, but at least it'll be booked in.

then don't rush to ring your DP as soon as that's done, but mention it calmly when you next see him. Don't say it like, "So now you can come back cos I'm going to be all fixed soon!" (which is what I would've done!), but just like, "I realise I have contributed to our problems and am taking steps to remedy it."

Then give him space. Try to relax if you can - you lived without him for 9 months before. If he loves you, he'll come back. And anyway, I doubt he is perfect himself. Don't let yourself panic into recasting him as the world's most perfect perfect partner ever.

Take care.

Thanks beautiful great idea, I am going to do that during my lunch hour.

I am aware I am being ridiculously impatient.

I have been reading something someone posted on the thread for the "recently dumped" which could have been written about me- about automatically finding ways to blame yourself for a split. Now i am questioning myself a little as to whether I have really overreacted to the "issues" that I have with DP, or whether they are in fact major and I have invented this overreaction to blame myself. Cue me trying to "be better" and fix things.

Oh does that even make sense I am a wreck!!!

Er, that's really confusing so I dunno. What I would say is: you might as well use this split to process things in the relationship. He's going to, so you might as well. Use the time to look objectively at everything between you, don't just rush to get him back in as yes, their might be major problems and if there are, they'll still be there and cause you (maybe) to split up again in a little while.

No good advice but maybe it might help clear your head a little and stop you calling DH if you wrote a letter? No need to give it to him, just to get things straight in your own head?

Agree with everyone else who said "space". Wanting a baby can do weird things to your head. You haven't ruined your family, you've been through a lot. Be kind to yourself and concentrate on your ds.

Thank you everyone. Am I stupid to think the longer he's gone the less likely he is to come home?

Thats 100% of people who have responded who have suggested giving him space. I guess I need to try to calm down (easier said than done).

I am probably a bit of a 'black and white person'- I dont like grey areas so i am pressurising myself to know whether the relationship is over or not so I can get out of this limbo state.

Sorry I confused you Beautiful, I think I am even confused myself. I have called my GP about counselling, they took my details and said they would call me back.

Thanks ThisIsSpatchcocked I will try typing DP a letter, maybe it will help to get things down on paper. I am at work so hopefully my colleagues will think I am typing something work related. The way I feel today I don't think I can be trusted to do any work!!

Small steps at a time, will lead to bigger ones later on. The longer you have apart, may mean the better your situation will be if and when you come to chat. Clear heads are better than emotionally charged ones. If you do chat, really try and think about what you are about to say rather than letting a flood of words fall out. If an emotional wave comes out - DP may not want to listen if it seems to be all tears and words and repetition. I hope that does not sound harsh. If it helps - it took a friend of my Mum 8 years to sort out differences with her DP - relationship is now stronger than it ever was. Keep a clear head, men like logic. You say you think you could live with the problems he has now that he has left - whatever you do, don't sell yourself short just to have him around. Giving him space will seem like an eternity, but he will probably appreciate it - he knows you want to speak to him, so let him digest that. Good advice from BEAUTIFUL about talking to GP.

I can relate so well to those panic feelings too - they are overwhelming but they WILL pass. Make sure you eat, drink plenty of water, rest and sleep as much as you can - you are dealing with tons of huge emotions and they are exhausting.

My DH would also want space and I know how I'd feel too - desperate to fix it and be ok again. But like the others have said, many men need to be left alone to process their emotions and just 'can't face it' for a while. DH always wants to sort things in his own head before talking to me.

Do you have a good friend you could meet with or phone for a chat? Someone you trust to be private? It might help to just be able to get a chat even if its not the one you want with your DP right away.

I think I've seen you post about your situation before, but am not going to name search and just tell you what I see here.

I think your DP is punitive.

I don't think he "needs space" - I think he has either got an OW or he is punishing you for being assertive and knows that if he ignores you and stays away, you will become more and more desperate and will have him back under any circumstances, which means that any twattish behaviour will get immeasurably worse.

It sounds to me as though he has a huge sense of entitlement, from his choice of low-paying career right through to his umwillingness to go to counselling. At some level he probably knows that a third party counsellor would see right through him and perhaps suggest that your grievances are perfectly legitimate.

I do think you need some counselling to see this though - and to help you assert yourself and work out what is going on here - and that you are worthy of more than this.

I wouldn't and couldn't pander to a man like this.

Thank god you posted that, WWIFN.

OP: I also thought I'd seen your posts before, and I also think you're going through separation panic, when the chances are you did exactly the right thing.

The counselling might be good for you. Once you've written your letter, take a breather and then try writing a Pros & Cons list of your life with him.

Please don't rush anything.

Y

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WWIFN and Its Grace Again you remember correctly. I have posted before and many posters including yourself felt I would be better off without DP.

Since my last post, he has made some efforts to improve things- increased his working hours, taken on some extra work and is (or maybe was) negotiating to get Sundays off as we currently spend very little time together.

However, I know things are far from ideal. I have a feeling if I was looking from the outside I would think we are better off without him, but somehow now he has gone I find myself feeling I love him too much to let this go. I am sure anyone reading this is rolling their eyes and I can't explain why I feel like this. I thought I was a strong person but I feel weak and pathetic.

Its true I have become pathetically desperate and told him last night that I regretted my behaviour over the past few weeks (which has been basically angry with him and demanding change), and that I would like a proper chat over dinner. He said he couldn't think about it right now and that he thought it was all too late. He said if I had said this last week everything would have been fine- seems ridiculous!! He want back to the friends house where he is staying.

I am pretty certain there is no OW (yet).

I wish I could arrange some counselling for now but money and time are vv tight. I wonder if its possible to get telephone counselling? I feel I need someone to support me but also challenge me and give me a kick up the backside.

What is it that makes me want to persevere with such an imperfect situation? Can somone wave a wand and take the scales from my eyes??!!

Wheresmypaddle, I don't really know where to start but you sound like me 5yrs ago- couldn't see the wood for the trees.

For what it's worth it sounds like you made the right decision to split but you're struggling to cope with the emotional side of it all. Try and think with your head.

IME, men find desperation verging on repulsive so whatever it is you want, keep a lid on the desperation- I mean that in the nicest possible way.

You sound a little emotionally unstable right now, you need to sort that out before making any decisons regarding your DP. I would prioritise counselling and try and get yourself in a better frame of mind. Stop focusing on him, he's probably not that great a catch anyway.

I really hope you take my post the way I mean it- I'm not trying to be horrible. I see alot of similarities between you now, and me, 5 yrs ago.

*Supercherry" thank you for your post,
it hasn't upset me- I really appreciate you and everyone else posting to help a virtual stranger (and believe me I intend to 'pay it forward' in spades).

I have already called two therapists today- one was unable to see me at any times I could do but she recommended a colleague, who I left a message for. I can not really afford to go but I figure sorting myself out is a vital investment.

What I would really like to do is get some help right now- over the phone, but I don't know where to start as I can see there may be some people who are not properly qualified who could take advantage of someone like me and charge the earth.

Supercherry would you be able to tell me how you got through this? I am particularly interested in how I could go about pulling the scales from my eyes to see DP in a more balanced light?

I feel like I am coping OK today but I can't even be certain that is not because I have not properly accepted he has gone- I think I am in a bit of denial despite developing the mantra "he's no good and he's gone"!!!

Oh goodness me, it's hard. 5 years ago, I split up with an abusive partner. I was an emotional wreck because that's the affect living with someone abusive has on you. I made a clean break in the end- he also wanted to split up and he had cheated on me so luckily I didn't have any choice in the matter.

I'm no expert at relationships I'm afraid, in fact, I'm the worst judge of character imaginable. I'm staying out of relationships for the foreseeable future- I have 2 little boys to focus on.

The only thing that I can suggest is reading the book, 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. It's empowering and genuinely helps you see things for what they are.

Try and put you and your DS first. What kind of male role modle do you want for your child? What kind of examples do you want to set when it comes to relationships.

You sound like you're in a relationship rut that you need to drag yourself out of. Do you do anything for yourself these days? Hobbies? That sort of thing?

Thank you for sharing that with me. Sorry you have had two difficult relationships and been let down. You sound lovely and very level-headed, I'm sure if one day you decide to go for it again you will find someone who deserves you.

I have made a (horribly expensive) appointment with a therapist for fri 7 May. Really hoping it will help me (and quickly, I cant afford it really).

I don't do as much for myself as I would like. I have been so focussed on DS and DP and I barely get any time without DS unless I am working.

I am struggling to know how to deal with this break-up as pre-DS I would have gone out with my friends, drunk rather a lot, taken up an exciting hobby (was scuba diving following last break up- did me the power of good). But now I can barely get any time to myself because of wonderful DS and so many of my friends have babies and don't want to 'play' anymore.

Am going to order that book off Amazon now- with next day delivery!!

Thank you again.

You've hit the nail on the head in your third paragraph. It's going to be so much harder for you because you're the main carer of your DS and so you don't get that time away from the whole family dynamic to see things objectively.

Is there anyway you can get some regular time to yourself? Couldn't you arrange a girly night out?

There is nothing harder than being stuck in when the children are in bed, with nothing on the telly and trying to stop yourself mulling over the relationship, wondering what he is up to etc.

I struggle with the 'abusive' partner idea. DP, or EXDP I guess (ooh that's hard) is not abusive- he has never laid a finger on me, or threatened me or said anything particularly abusive.

I think if I really felt he was actually abusive I wouldn't be having these problems (although I guess its hard to known unless you have been there).

However there are many things that are less than ideal: gambling problems (this has been very serious in the past but since Christmas he has been attending GA and facing it head on), having the luxury of the job he loves as a sportsman which requires a lot of time but doesn't earn much money, not very supportive of me.....

Oops I posted that last post before I had read your last reply. I am posting a lot I know but I am finding it really helpful.

I am going to make an effort to get some time to myself. I will see if I can arrange for DS to go to playgroup for an additional morning and ask parents/inlaws to have DS a bit at weekends.

Not sure what I will do with myself, I have some great friends but they have babies or very young children so don't have much time / inclination to get out.

Still, I guess doing anything is a start. I could go swimming or to the cinema on my own- what do you do with yourself (if you get any spare time)?