Please help, I am really desperate am regretting pushing DP away. He has left us.

[wheresmypaddle]

DP is far from perfect but I love him very much and I can live with the imperfections- as he lives with mine. We have a wonderful DS (just turned 3). We split up when DS was 1, and after much soul searching got together again a 9 months later.

We have been arguing a lot recently, things that I can usually live with have been getting too much e.g. he is a sportsman, doesn't earn good money despite working long hours but usually I can cope with this as I am glad he gets to do a job he loves, I work PT and make quite good money allowing us to pay mortgage etc.(a lot of these hours are practising which does not directly earn any money, I would like some more help with house/DS), I have lost my libido. We have both been have been stubborn and angry and our rows have been destructive and childish.

DP decided yesterday he couldn't take this situation any longer and has moved out. He said he feels we have gone round in circles trying to fix stuff and have got nowhere- with neither of us willing to budge.

I have had a lightbulb moment and realised I have been bottling up and hiding (even from myself) very very angry feelings about not being able to have a second child (a combination of doctors advice after a pregnancy induced brain hemmorage with DS and our lack of finances). This has made me blow issues that I think I can usually live with out of all proportion. Until this morning I thought I was being reasonable, now I realise to my shock I have been stubborn, unkind and quite nasty.

I have sent DP a text asking him to reconsider, apologising for my anger and stubbornness, explaining that I can now see I have an underlying issue that I need to work on (although somehow now I have admitted it to myself I feel much better). I have asked him if he is willing to sit down and have a constructive chat.

He hasn't replied. He is looking after DS today while I am at work, I called him and he said he said he can't think about it at the moment, he said he needs to block his feelings out to carry on and he just wants a nice day with DS. I know he has a right to being left alone but I feel so sad, so stupid.

I think I have thrown it all away and he won't give us another chance. I know him so know that he may well just stay so angry that he will refuse to open up and would rather walk away than face this head on because its too difficult for him.

I can barely function today, feel so desperate, feel I need to sort this NOW (which I know is stupid), can barely stop myself from constantly calling DP. I have ruined my family. I need help can anyone help me- tell me what to do- please??

PS I know I need to get some counselling, I will try to get some (unfortunately DP does not want to), but money is a problem and I really need to straighten my head out ASAP but know I will have to wait ages for an appointment.

I have no idea whether or not your DP or XDP is abusive, emotionally or otherwise. The book will still help you see things clearly though- personally think all women should read it. It kind of made me stand up the my most recent ex's crap in a way that I couldn't before.

It does sound though, that you are doing all the hard work in the relationship, especially the parenting part and that's not on.

At the time when I was going through the worst part of the break up with my DC's dad, I found even just doing an exercise DVD when I had got the boys to bed helped, sad as it sounds. Socially, I have had to make a real effort to get out and arrange babysitting. I usually have to have 2 babysitters as the ex cannot cope with both boys alone apparently. I don't go out alot but when I do it's great.

You don't mention the possibility of your DP/XDP taking care of your son so you can go out. Has he ever?

Mumsnet has really helped too this time round- the relationship threads can be really empowering.

Perhaps some of us might be local to you for a chat? I'm in Kent ....

I have ordered the book, I have seen it recommended on Mumsnet before so am looking forward to reading it.

I also find Mumsnet a real help- sometimes I can't believe how supportive I find it, its quite addictive!!

DP has taken care of DS so I can go out in the past. I haven't been as proactive as I should have been in organising this, I have been getting bogged down with 'stuff' and not pulled my finger out. Its a shame because I am a sociable person.

I think DP will have DS for me to go out now we have split up but I don't want to rely on him too much. Firstly, cause that then gives him the 'power' to let me down and drive me crazy. Secondly, because at the moment that would mean him having DS here, which is fine in the daytime, but would make me feel wierd coming back late after a night out to DP asleep on the sofa- cue emotional scenes.......

Goodadvice1980 Thank you that is a kind offer, I am not near you though, I am in the Midlands.

That's a shame you are so far aware.

If you want extra help/friendly support or just a chat please feel free to contact me and I'll gladly give you my email address.

Hope you are ok

Thank you Goodadvice that is just so kind of you. I may take you up on your lovely offer.

I am ok tonight thank you but I have no idea whether I have managed to accept the situation yet. I seem too OK IYKWIM.

I have had a look at the lone parents threads tonight which has been an eye opener as to what it is really like to be alone. The one about non-lone parents claiming to feel like single parents really bought home how isolating, lonely and difficult it can be.

Then the threads about dating made me think there are no decent men left for someone like me- even though I am a million miles from being ready for this, they make depressing reading.

I'm from the Midlands too Wheresmypaddle, when I first split with DCs dad I really wanted to go to some kind of single parent group but couldn't find one near me.

I'm from the West Midlands- is that anywhere near you?

Hi Supercherry. I am from the East Midlands between Notts and Leicester.

I had never thought of a single parents group. It sounds like a great idea. I wonder if they do things at the weekend- I can already see that weekends are going to be difficult for me as there are less pre-school type things to be involved in and I feel awkward about getting in the way of my friends' precious family time with their DP/DHs.

Did you find a group? Can you recommend one? I have just tried a google search but didn't come up with anything.

No, I didn't manage to find one. I even thought about setting one up, I bet there's a big demand, but just haven't got round to it. Maybe you could set one up near you? I'm from near Wolverhampton so quite far from you really.

I tend to do things with my family at the wknd. I understand what you mean about not wanting to ask friends who are in relationships to do things at the wknd. I worry about being a burden or a gooseberry. Silly really because I love to see my friends any time. The weather is lovely at the moment though, perfect opportunity to invite people round for a bbq.

I find evenings hard, once the boys are in bed. It can be a bit lonely. I'm always on the net. On the other hand though, it is peaceful and you can watch exactly what you want on the TV.

My youngest is only 6mths but I'm hoping to start some kind of further education soon with the aim of getting a career going. Being a stay at home mum is great isn't it but when you're single you do feel kind of isolated from other adults somewhat?

Hope you're OK today Wheresmypaddle

I always remember something another mumsnetter posted once, 'It's better to be alone than in bad company'.

You are going to be better off without this man. He doesn;t love you, or at least nowhere nearenough. He puts his own interests first, all the time, and this walking out business is, as someone else said, a punitive action - he wants you utterly desperate so that when he comes back you will carry on feeding and servicing him without complaining or asking for any of your needs or DCs needs to be met by him - because if you are not utterly compliant and obedient, all he has to do is threaten to leave again.
Please root out of your head the idea that nothing matters more than having A Man in your life. Being single is far better than having to placate and support a parasite or a bully.

Hi Wheresmypaddle- just checking in- hope you're OK.

Hi Supercherry. I have just logged on and seen your message. It was so kind of you to think of me- thank you.

I hope you have had a good week. Mine has been up and down- I am really muddled about EXDP. I am doubting myself and struggling to retain my clarity of thought with regard to the situation.

He is convinced many of our issues are my fault and I am now feeling really guilty and wishing I had tried harder.....

I received the book you suggested. It is really good but I don't feel EXDP was abusive- selfish Certainly but not abusive.

I have a session with a counsellor this morning but am dreading it and considering cancelling. I can't see how she will be able to help me when I am feeling so muddled.

Thanks again for thinking of me.