Is a man's poor relationship with his own mother a red flag?

[BaggyAgy]

Somewhere I heard that men who have a poor relationship with their Mother end up having poor relationships with their partners/wife. Is this your experience? Is it a red flag, and should such men be avoided?

Obviously I can't answer for all men, but I tend to agree with Kiwi ( I think) who suggested it is important to look at how the father treated the mother. DH has what can only be described as a 'mediocre' relationship with his mother. In just about every way you can imagine, she favours her two younger sons and their families over DH and us. Back in her day, it was quite common to be married and a parent at a young age, so she followed the trend and was married and a parent of two, by the age of 20. She has told him, quite openly, that she resents the fact that she became pregnant so soon after her marriage. She has always found fault with him, whatever he does - he doesn't phone: she complains, he does phone: it is not convenient. He doesn't earn enough money - she judges people's worth by the value of the things they can buy and the type of home they live in. She doesn't like the fact that a) he married me ( very much against her wishes) and b) after 30 years, we are still very happily married and he stands up for me when she finds fault with me. She has never shown any interest in our DCs, resenting the fact that they 'took him away from her' when they were tiny.

And yet, despite the example she has set him, DH is truly a wonderful husband. And I am absolutely convinced that this is because his late father was a really good role model who was a really good husband to her as well as a fantastic father to DH and his siblings. Thankfully, DH has emulated his father in his role as husband to me and dad to our DCs. And he still manages to maintain a relationship with his mother, even though it is not as close as he would probably like, and is certainly not as good as the one he deserves.

No, in response to the OP. DH has a variable relationship with his mother but is the best father and husband anyone could ask for. We have been together for 24 years since I was 17 and he 21. He just needed someone with a bit more emotional intelligence IMO. He is a far better Father than I am Mother

I don't know

XBF had a deep dislike of women. His mother encouraged a belittling of her DH all her life by him and his brother and had some sort of breakdown when they were older children which he could never forgive her for although was happy to be complicit as an adult in treating his poor Dad with contempt.

I was very young and thought he liked women because he said that he did. As long as they were intelligent enough to reflect well on him but not so that they disagreed or got facts correct in a discussion. Pretty at all times. Good career and ability to perhaps spend £6K on a boob job because 25 yo breasts were not quite as good as 18 yo breasts. Oh, and four were better than two in any case so I should have complied with the foursome suggestion because, oh, he liked women very much, you see.

My next relationship was with XH. FIL and MILs relationship was openly appalling! I don't think the man had washed a teacup in his life and would call her, "lazy fatty-bum". He would also terrorise the family with his 0-100 rages and violence but it was all okay at the time because everyone was grown-up now. Until I had a baby and XH started to put her at risk by knocking me unconscious and walking out.

The trouble with XH according to MIL was that he had always been easily led. By his friends, you know. I once pointed out that he had been living with me for a year and had still to get a job or bother to care for our baby DD despite my influence. Why couldn't he be easily led in a positive way if that really was his "problem"?

I think it is pretty difficult to separate a child's relationship with their mother from that of their father. Some fathers fuck off and make the mother's lives much more difficult due to poverty even if other issues are improved. Some absent parents of either gender mess the DC around. Some people stay together in very destructive partnerships. I'm uncomfortable with mother / son relationships being held accountable for damaged men because there is almost always another parent in the equation who should also be considered.

What about a woman's relationship with her mother? (or father)

I have a very painful, difficult relationship with my mum. (And my dad, but it's not felt so keenly.)

It's coloured my life. My dh has been amazing helping me to deal and manage and navigate it for 17 years.

But he could thought 'oh god red flag, can't take this one on'.

proud, it is what you do with it. I had a terrible r with my mother, fully aided and abetted by dad. I mean, if they didn't make me the problem, what else would they have to look at!!!!

You raise a good point though. When I took H to meet the parents I was terrified he would dump me.
BUT I have tried so very hard to work out what I am responsible for and what I am not responsible for. H hasn't.
I had the most wonderful day yesterday when D was talking to me about her problems and I was going 'uhuh' instead of telling her what to do. I can't tell you what a triumph that was for me. She was TALKING to me and I was LISTENING.

Abitwobbly - yes I too have worked hard to work out what I'm responsible for (briliantly put, that explains it so succintly).
My dh appreciates that I think and that I am able to be objective and have not got caught up in a self-pitying dynamic.
I also have been working hard on not telling my dc how they feel or what to do but giving them space to talk/think things through with my help.

It certainly needs further examination. I have a list of X-es who had lousy relationship with their mothers - as did my father. The key was that they were still affected by the damaged relationship and they took that model and applied it to their adult relationships with women. Most were/are ultimately misogynistic as a result. An adult man who has processed his feelings of loss about the damaged relationship (whatever the cause) with his mother (as some OPs' OHs seem to have done) will accept the significance of that loss and will not continue to blame other women. XH's attitude to me significantly worsened once I became a mother. I then merged in his mind with his mother (from whom I really couldn't be more different!) and became despicable. XH's father also hated his mother. Understandable in a sense, as she gave him up for adoption, but also poisonous. XH still talks angrily about his mother. This made it a really good idea for us to split up so he wouldn't transmit his values to our DC. My brother loathed my mother (not an easy woman, but no demon either and she idolised him), umm demonises his ex-wife and somehow I have become representative of this "evil woman/mother" model too

I would proceed with caution TBH.

Yes?but there are so many shades of grey and no one template can be applied across the board and I am a man who did not connect my relationship with my mother and my own relationships with women until my late forties!

My dp had a very close relationship with his mother. He was definitely her favourite, spoiled rotten and even her sister (dp's aunt) commented on this.
As an adult he can't tolerate any sort of criticism, is unable to empathise with others emotionally, always puts himself first.
Basically expects everyone around him to love him unconditionally as his mother did.
So, in my experience, a close relationship can be just as harmful in later life as a dysfunctional one. :(

I don't think a poor relationship with either parent is a good start in life.

DS1 is very close to me. He's 15. Hoping it won't cause problems for him in later life. Not sure what to do about it anyway.

Orm - I agree, a poor relationship can be catastrophic. I will do my utmost to maintain a close relationship with my dc.
My experience is that dp has struggled to adapt to family life. He does his own thing in his own time, THEN he will turn his attention to the dc/house/me etc.
I was under the impression that once you have children, you come second! :)