Is a man's poor relationship with his own mother a red flag?

[BaggyAgy]

Somewhere I heard that men who have a poor relationship with their Mother end up having poor relationships with their partners/wife. Is this your experience? Is it a red flag, and should such men be avoided?

For me, in the aftermath of my relationship, it is a red flag yes. Ex had a deeply dysfunctional relationship with his mother. She is a nasty, cold manilulative woman and she and ex fIL were physically abusive to each other and had numerous affairs. Materially, thay gave ex 'everything' but he most craved their approval and love - the 2 things that he didn't get.

He has now built an 'ok' relationship with his dad. His mother remains cold and unemotional - she is 'in' his life at the moment, but the pattern of estrangement will continue. Unfortunately, my kids are now at risk of being caught up in it at the minute.

Ex 'loves' his children - I believe to the point of obsession. I feel that he is searching with them, the childhood that he didn't have himself. He has no concept of what a parental bond is - he has assaulted our eldest and has no recognition of the impact it had on any of us. He is so damaged and I fully believe that his parents are resposible for the groundwork for that :-(

I started to date a guy a few months ago - by the fourth date he was regaling me with tales of how awful his mother was - was the end of the relationship for me.

I would say an Amber flag. I would want to know: his relationship with other women (sisters, Aunts, friends wives, female bosses and so on, not people he will relate to sexually); how much input his mother had to his life; if he has had counselling. There is also a wealth of difference between someone who goes on about their Mother, and someone who just says their Mother has issues, or that they grew up in care.
It is often the unacknowledged issues that are the biggest problem, eg. DH (and his family) often tended to be a bit dismissive of his step-mother; he has had to be brought up on occasions that he can't act condescending towards me, as he fell into established patterns of behaviour.

I think it's one of those relationship/parenting issues that will go either way, but strongly. If he has had a bad relationship with his mother, then it's a case of either replicating it, or ensuring that it doesn't happen again. This seems to apply to most areas (affection, approval, education, politics etc.)

There is, as some of the other posters have mentioned, difficulty with what qualifies as a 'good' relationship. A man and his mother may think they have a marvellous relationship, as she worships him and he can do no wrong, and he is showered in money and time to the exclusion of others...which is actually bloody dysfunctional.

Not so far, no. My BF is the best man I?ve ever been with yet has withdrawn completely from his mother as she?s toxic (he wonders whether, in all seriousness, she has some mental health issues). She stirs the shit amongst the family and he knows it?s best to stay away from her now which I completely understand; you can choose your friends and lovers but you can?t choose your family. He has had intensive counselling though and is the most emotionally intelligent man I?ve ever met.

I completely agree with Kiwi.

Hardly a black and white question

E.g You can't expect a man with a very abusive mother to have a realtionship with her, and then condem if he doesn't, for instance

It depends why

No catch-all answer at all

I find it can be a red flag if it is accompanied by a few other flag-like objects. If it's just that on it's own, then no. But if there are a few other warning signs then heck yes, proceed with extreme caution.

My ex husband's mother kissed him goodnight when he was six years old and left home in the middle of the night and ran off with her lover. He never saw her again. She left three children my ex was the youngest. She got in touch with him many years later.

We met and married and nine years later he left one morning and never came back - I never saw him again. Six weeks later I heard on the grapevine that he had run off with a woman from work.

He left the woman from work when she became wheelchair bound and seriously ill, and I'm told he never even visited her in hospital. They did not marry.

He then met and married some one, and had two children now teenagers. His wife eventually left him for her lover!

At this point 28 years later he contacted me! (No chance at all mate - in your dreams!)

He has now married for the third time........ watch this space. Can you spot the pattern?

No. Not always. it is unfair to state all men who have rocky relationships with their Mother's make bad DP etc

Same for Women then, i take it.

I think there is truth in it both ways, ItsOnly. I have a barely existent relationship with my father and until I actually examined my own reactions I had terrible relationships with men. In fact I think I was probably just lucky with DP (am dealing with stuff currently).

DP's relationship with his mum can be difficult, he acknowledges there were things that she did in his childhood which were not quite right, and at times he gets frustrated with her, she is quite a difficult character and can be extremely PA, but he is always there for her when she needs it (sometimes too much, IMO, but I have much more respect for this than the other way around!)

I have another male friend whose mother was physically abusive towards him and as a result he is very hostile and defensive towards women. The saddest thing is that he does not realise this, and would describe himself as respectful towards women. It's just that as soon as someone does something which vaguely reminds him of his mother he puts her into "evil super-bitch" category and, well, she's got no hope then...

Sadly not all of us have the courage to challenge our negative learn't behaviours via therapy. Most can be unlearned. Some people simply do not know where to look for help.

Feeling OK about ourselves, building positive relationships with others and re-parenting the little, (insert your first name here), child part of us is one way of feeling better about our shyte parents.

Isn't that the whole point, though? That some people deal with stuff and it's fine, others don't deal with stuff, and this is where problems come out. It might seem harsh to say a blanket "avoid" with such people, but generally, it's better to work on your issues before entering into a relationship, if you want that relationship to be healthy. Entering into a relationship with someone who has unresolved issues has the potential to be a very unhealthy relationship. It's not up to a new partner to fix issues. Often a partner is the very worst person to attempt to "fix" them.

Ideally, yes.

My ex had a terrible relationship with his mother. And with his sister. And then with me. So I subscribe to this theory.

Not ALL some.

Nobody has met that many people, surely?

I think that anyone who has had a poor relationship/fucked up childhood and denies it or blocks it off in some way is red flag potential, yes. Tjis stuff needs looking at, not in a navel-gazing way, but in a "this is what made me, this is what I have learned, this is who I am now" way. Many people never do that and take their lessons into adulthood and future relationships. Makes me a bit watchful, it has to be said.

So what's your point Question? I'm confused. Are you saying we should ignore red flags and give a relationship a chance regardless? I think that's your choice if you want to do that but (from bad experience) it's not a very wise one IMO.

Or is it feeling sorry for someone who is in possession of some red flags and will be potentially avoided as relationship material? Because firstly I think that is unlikely (many people are unaware/determined to ignore red flags) and even if it was true, I think that is probably healthy for that person, too, if they dealt with their issues in whatever way works for them, then their potential future relationships will be healthier too. My ex has absolutely no idea why all of his relationships blow up and end in spectacular ways, and he ends up getting incredibly hurt by them. It's his choice not to deal with his issues, though...

I think the comment about amber rather than red flag is correct. It initially concerned me that my dh doesn't have a huge amount of respect for his mother and didn't have a great relationship with his father either.
However, on learning a bit more it turns out that his father was a violent drunk who abused my dhs mother and my dh when he tried to protect her (from about age 4) so I can fully understand the lack of relationship with his father. He always treats his mother with respect even if he doesn't feel it and to be fair she is a pretty flawed human being imo too. The most important thing is that despite all this he treats me really well and is a great dad to our ds. I think it really does come down to the individual and whilst issues with parents are a good reason to examine aspects of your partner more carefully at first, you can't draw any generic conclusions.

Ah I see. You are objecting to the label of "red flag" meaning "definitely bad relationship material". Which is not what it means. It just means "caution, this bloke has the potential to be very messed up". He might not be. But it isn't wise to take the risk.

Oh meant to say that my dh has a great relationship with his two sisters so I would agree that it is worth looking at relationships a partner has with other females in their life.

No. Not what i said, read again.

Good point about amber flag definition Casmama. Although I think the fact your DP treats his mother with respect despite not having much respect for her as a person is extremely telling (it's probably a better description of how DP is with his mum too). Because someone who carried over that personal dislike/lack of respect to an actual disrespectful attitude is more likely to turn out to be a disrespectful person in general than the one who goes out of his way to be respectful to someone he doesn't even like.

Well, I don't know then, question. Please could you explain in a bit more detail? Your posts have been very vague. I'm going to bed now but might read the thread in the morning.