ex dh won't babysit, asked neighbour, ex dh not happy with choice

[SpiritualKnot]

Split up with dh last month. He left and has a girlfriend. Ex dh and I were going to go to the theatre Monday,I bought tickets yonks ago, now Im going with a friend. Asked ex dh if he'd watch 10yr old dd for an hour and a half as 18yr old ds needs to out at 8pm so can't be with her the full evening.

Ex dh says she'll be ok on her own for that time. I disagree and asked if he would sit with her. He says the 14 mile round trip isn't worth it for that length of time. So I've asked our neighbour and she said she's happy to help.

Just told ex dh ( he's just dropped dd off) and he was really annoyed as he's not keen on neighbour. I asked if he could do it then and he won't, he's just not interested at all in helping. He spposedly adores our dd.

Just wanted to vent. Is a 14 mile round trip far to other people aswell? He works in the town where we live so does it every day and is on leave at the moment and has no plans for the evening, he says.

SK

He doesn't want you to go out.

Bugger him. If you trust the neighbour then do that. He'd rather your 10yr old is left alone?

yeah right. He'll turn round and claim you left her and don't care about her!

No a 14 mile round trip is not a lot, imo. I do 40 miles a day on school trips alone! (we live 10 miles from school)

hE SHOULD BE HAPPY TO BLOODY WELL WALK 14 MILES TO SEE HIS CHILD.

aS LONG AS THE NEOGHBOUR IS FINE (OOPS) then leave her with the neighbour.

He won't look after your DD.

As long as YOU are Ok with the neighbour (which I am sure you are) then, yes, bugger him.

he won't help, but is happy to cause issues. Not your problem. 14 miles round trip is nothing.

It's none of his business, frankly. Unless he believes that your DD is at risk of harm, he doesn't need to have a say at all. It's up to you to arrange childcare - which you have - end of.

Tell him to go "fuck himself". Sorry, I know that I am not being helpful but it was the first thing that popped into my head.

You are a grown woman and I am sure you have the emotional maturity to choose a suitable babysitter. Unlike your DH who would leave her, in the evening, all by herself.

'Babysit' WTF? he's her father.. its not babysitting.

Its not too far of course, I know a dad who flys to africa every other weekend to see his children.

However, if it is your contact time with your child then IMO it is your responsibility to find alternative care for her while you go out, not his.

You shouldnt really be asking him, and he shouldnt question who you choose to care for your daughter. Its not his business. (unless of course shes a REAL threat. I mean, if you were sending her to the local crack den maybe he should step in

Ive just re read and seen that you only split up a month ago. Once any raw upset is over please sit down together, out of the house so kids arent about and set out each others rules and expectations here.

Its not just as simple as what days he has contact on. Its about all these other things too. i.e. does one have your daughter for extra time if the other wants a night out (IMO and lots of professional opinions is a bad idea)

who picks up and drops off, who takes time off if shes ill off school. it needs to be agreed and put in writing.

my exh is the same, he moved closer to us (similar round trip to yours)allegedly to restart his relationship with the kids, said he wanted to see them every weekend, even though i was the one who took them and picked them up from his

it lasted about 3 weeks, before he started making excuses about seeing them, then finally said he didnt want to "babysit the kids" as it was doing me a favour

i would let the neighbour sit if you are happy with the situation

if exh is able to get to yours and chooses not to, then i would say he had no input into the matter

hope you enjoy yourself

is he trying to control in any other ways?
he sounds like a prize idiot

sorry to but in - lou33 your ex is even more unbelievable with every incidence. He really doesn't want to give up on trying to control you does he!

He is being a Tosspot.
This is his way of trying to control you.
Go out, have fun, and if he kicks of then tell him to sod the fuck off.
of course only if you and dd are ok with the neighbour arrangement.

Its none of his business Sk. Do you have a contact arrangement set up , and if so, are you happy with it ?
Personally i wouldnt have even mentioned it to him, tell him nothing, you and the dcs are no longer his priority so requests for help are likeley to be denied leaving you hurt and upset.

Your no longer his wife and no longer have to run everything by him or ask for his opinion , so do what you want ( hope youve decided to sack church too by the way ).

Im sorry hes being such a shit , its infuriating that they just walk away from their familiys like this , im not surprised your annoyed.

Just to reassure you, the neighbour is lovely and has 2 kids of her own. Her dh will be at their house, so she won't be leaving them alone.

We haven't arranged any custody things yet. He works shifts so will pick her up from school when they permit. That'll be another 14 mile round trip each time so he could start being difficult, who knows? He works where we live, so when he's works days he pops round to see her after and when he works nights, he pops round beforehand. He's going to be moved to another though coz of his affair at work, probably the area he's moved to. He also works a lot of weekends, also shifts, only gets 1 out of 4 off.

Once divorced, we will probably sit down and look at his ahift patterns. I am wondering about getting an aupair for 4 weeks in the summer, to cover August as lots of peeople at my work are off then and I'm thinking he amy be tiring of the childcare thing by then.

I'll take the advuce about not asking him in future as I found his reaction to be awful. Told dd he was working so wouldn't be able to come.

SK

Excuse the spelling mistakes, on my small laptop, lying on the bed!

SK

You dont have to reassure anybody of anything, if your happy with your neighbour thats it , no one is, or should be questioning your judgement, well apart from your ex, and he shouldnt be.

I strongly suggest you make an apointment with your soliciter to discuss contact, him popping round every day isnt going to help you in the long term, and at some point will infringe on your plans. Does he come into your house and see her there ? Dont wait until your divorced, thats a long way off and a lot could change by then, come up with a deal and stick to it.What sort of contact would suit YOU ?

Im not sure about fibbing for him re telling your daughter hes working.I made excuses / fibbed on exs behalf for a long time and reassured them how much he loved them, wanted to see them even though it was obvious he didnt. The end result was they thought i didnt understand and couldnt speak to me about how hurt they were as they thought id side with him.

I dont do this anymore, his actions, therefore his consequencys.

Re consequencys,, i cant spell today !

Yes, he comes into the house as I said he could, but not upstairs, that was his choice not to do that. That suits me for now as if he comes I can go upstairs.

It is actually hard seeing and hearing him (phone) so much. He was at hs parents this weeekend and I thought he'd phone up drunk and he didn't. Didn't go to sleep until about 5.30am this morning and woke up at 8am. That was my first sleepless night.

I thought he'd phone as his mum usually drives him nuts. Realis3ed I'm really starting to count on seeing/hearing him so much and v aware I need to lose these ties to him.

I'm phoning the solicitor tomorrow to start proceedings. Wasgoing to wait till June (after ds A'levels) but GP said to start now as I'm so stressed and starting later would prolong the agony. He said the first part is all paperwork and takes a few weeks. I'll ask about contacts and when tht should be done.

I thought his parents would try and talk him out of it,being vicars and religious n all, so wanted to see what was said before I started. Nothing was said, no questions about me, how I was doing or anything. No mention of even the separation at all, apparently. Find it hard to believe that it didn't come up at all. Expected him to come back demanding more money from me as a result of him talking to them, but not happened.

Yes, I have kicked church into touch, though dd will still be going.

SK

Well, providing the neighbour is trustworthy (and I assume that's why you've chosen them to look after your DC), he can take a flying leap.

Go out and have a lovely evening.

Perhaps a set time of calling so dd can answer , or perhaps he could buy her a cheap mobile ? Could he take her out for a while a few times a week instead of coming into the house daily ? This isnt really fair on you, and in a way, its easy for him isnt it, in way of, yes he popping in to see her, but whats he actually doing with her ?
Is she spending quality time with him or is it just convenient for him ? A brew and a chat with you / her and then hes off again ?

This is your divorce, and a time for you to decide on what your comfortable with and what suits you. You really will need to have some contact re the dcs, but for now, perhaps that could be done via email. Personally i wouldnt have him casually popping in and out at this stage, he needs to spend quality time with her , and you need to be able to relax in whats now YOUR home, not his.

Would he tolerate you popping in and out of his parents house at your own convenience ? Ive done similar wanting whats best for the dcs, i knew if i didnt accomadate him he wouldnt make much of an effort, but really it didnt work well, i had to plan my days round his visits and i felt uncomfortable in my own house.

Regular contact also dragged the whole thing out, it can be hurtfull to see them getting on with things while your upset and trying to keep everything together.
I sympathise too with the inlaws , very hurtfull indeed. Mine have never contacted us since ( horrible people anyway ) but hurtfull all the same.

I feel that the way things are at the moment are ok. He pops in for about 10 minutes. Doesn't help himself to a drink or any food or watch TV. When he picks her up from school, he has a newspaper and reads that,doesn't put the telly on or make himself at home. But think he doesn't feel comfortable here at the moment.

And yes, it's very hard seeing him doing ok at his job and his new relationship etc whilst I'm here signed off sick with stress.

Getting on with him at present as he's agreed the payoff and child maintenance verbally. Will make sure that's all in writing before we establish contact agreements. Am worried that contact from him will dwindle, found out the other day that his new girlfriend has a 3 year old child (don't know if it's a boy or a girl). Don't know what his intentions are with his girlfriend, he insists it's casual but I'm not so sure.

SK

Dd has a mobile so that he can text her each evening before he goes to bed.

SK

Perhaps then once these agreements are in place you can change contact to suit you and dd better. Ten minuites isnt really quality time is it , plus it doesnt give you much of a break .In the meantime perhaps invest in caller display so you can see its him and get dd to answer.

Sometimes contact does dwindle, i did my best to encourage contact but to be honest his heart isnt really in it, i think he sees them because he feels he should, although he behaves in what i feel is a deliberateley neglectful manner, i suspect he wouldnt be heartbroken if they didnt go anymore.

Re new girlfreind , a quick search of the net reveals these relationships started whilst married rareley last, i know theres some success stories on here but the stats are very low. Bear in mind shes seeing a proven liar and a cheat , not exactly a good start is it.

As horrible as it is there will be a time when you honestly dont give a shit , i saw mine the other day and it was honestly just like seeing a neighbour, or someone i used to work with. All seems a very long time ago now , and actually it wasnt that long ago, divorce is only just starting to make progress.

I still think your doing really well in a horrible situation, i hope your taking care of yourself. Last night i sat by the window and just smelled that loveley summer garden smell, and snuggled up in my loveley lenor smelling sheets and smiled at how differant my life is now.
Seems a million years ago that i used to post on here in tears over him.

I have just changed telephone provider and got caller display, very useful. Have been answeing when it's him, so will pass to dd next time.

The conservatory is being started tomorrow, so will be able to sit in there in the summer and remeber how he used to go on about how we weren't going to get one as we couldn't afford it..it'll take 5 years for me to pay it off but I don't care!

I'm cashing in an insurance policy tomorrow that he's paid for actually. He's paid £15 a month in for ages and it's worth about £5000. In both our names but am thinking they'll pay that into his account, so am a bit worried he'll keep it all. Wonder if they'll pay my half directly to me, or should I wait until the divorce and finance is being sorted? Any ideas?

SK

Im not really sure, could backfire if he keeps it all. I stupidly did everything above board, which is why ive got nothing ( literally )!!

I'll have a chat with the insurance people tomorrow.They might want to send a cheque which will be in joint names, no good to us as we haven't got a joint account, so will ask if they can do 50:50 cheques instead. Might work.

SK