why do I behave like this?

[imaloon]

I have changed my name cos i feel like a fool.

Basically i have been with my dp over 15 yrs and we have 3 kids. I would say generally we have a great relationship. However, i always seem determined to destroy it.

I am always on my guard in case he maybe be cheating/fancy other women or generally making a fool of me.He has never ever done anything for me to suspect him.

I think i must be desperately insecure. I dont know why. I have never been treated badly by a man. I am slim and attractive and have a good job.

I find myself picking arguments if i am having a 'bad day' so to speak. I think i see women who get made an awful fuss of by their husbands and feel jealous its not me. While he is affectionate and attentive most of the time i feel its never enough.

Does anyone feel like me. I always feel i need to be on my guard 'just in case' and naturally it pisses him off. It doesnt help that i seem to constantly read stories of men cheating/seeing prostitutes etc . How can i overcome my lack of confidence and insecurity?

How do you mean 'on your guard?'

You can achieve insecurity without the "help" of any man - it usually starts much earlier than that.

How supportive or otherwise are/were your parents? did you have a bad "break up" with a friend at school? Were you one of the popular ones or on the edges? Did any teacher make snide comments about you?

Or you could be naturally suspicious and pessimistic - but it does sound as though you lack the belief that you are worthy of having your DH be true to you.

THink about times in your childhood when you felt bad about yourself and why - most of our most ingrained behaviour patterns come from our early childhood, set in our brains before the age of 7 (most of them before the age of 4, tbh)

I mean i am always defensive. Or I am always making a comment'just in case'. For example i will say something like 'Iam not stupid I know you fancy that 25 yr old that you work with'. Just ridiculous things that are based on nothing. I feel like i say these things just in case he is thinking them so i don't look like a fool

you are right, you are a loon No seriously, these words mean nothing and all they serve to do is make your dh feel you dont trust him. Is it the 'being right' thats important to you? so you can say 'I told you so'?

Thumbwitch, I only had my mother and my parents split when we we children. She was a good mother and supportive to a degree, but she was very pessimistic and quite bitter. Shesadly died a few yrs ago.

At school i was very studious but very shy and certainly not popular. Interestingly though, I wouldnt say that i am shy at all now and i would describe myself as popular and well liked.

Yes cyb,I like to have the feeling that I am right i suppose and i like to have the feeling that no one (in any area of my life )is taking me for a fool. I just cannot help it. I will end up being old and bitter.

You have underlying ishoos then, by the sound of it.
I bet you worked hard at being popular too - now, in all honesty, do you ever think "I wonder if they'd still like me if they really knew me"? You might not ever have thought this of course, but you might.

I certainly have ishoos! How the hell do i sort myself out?

I want to be the confident kinda person who is happy in her own skin and has the attitude that if her dp/dh cheats or whatever then its his loss. Not the twat I am.

Funny though Most of the time I am ok.wE get along great and i realise that I am being daft and that actually he is quite lucky to have me. Then i go and do it all again.

Another tack - your Dad left, presumably? Did he have an affair? Do you think that has left a lasting impression on you, because of your mum's bitterness?

You can sort it out you know - I know it's an oft-repeated suggestion but with good reason! - you could try counselling to clear your ishoos.

I would say, if you can afford it, find an NLP therapist. Not a life coach or one of those inspirational jobbies, a proper therapist who deals with people's problems individually. They work a sight quicker than most other "talking" therapies, get to the nub of the matter quicker and change the beliefs you have for much better ones.

Or you can try and work out yourself where it's all coming from and be firm with yourself - but if that doesn't work (and I'm guessing you've already tried that) then please get some help with it.

Thanks thumbwitch. No my dad didnt have an affair, my mum just kicked him out cos he was a bit of a loser i suppose. I don't feel it has any lasting effect on me though. I didn't really know him.

What is a NLP therapist? I would love to get to the bottom of why i act the way that i do.

Please go and get counselling.

I am you.

My husband moved out 3 weeks ago as a result of nearly 11 years of putting up with it. We are still trying to fix us, but it really is 50/50 as to whether or not it is too late.

I recently read this book here and it has been amazingly insightful. It was written in 1981, and some of it is very outdated, but the gist of it is great. It explains why you/me are like it, it explains what it is like for our partners.

From what I can tell it is a self esteem thing, rather than about any past issues (dads leaving etc). I have a dr appointment on Monday to get counselling sorted. I truly believe, since reading the book, that I can be fixed.

But please get the help NOW, don't leave it until you have destroyed the man you love.

Obv you have a namechange, but feel free to email me/add me on facebook etc if you want to chat about being nuts flamesparrow at gmail dot com. I have a blog which pretty much charts my insanity which you are welcome to read so you can see you're not alone (tis private for family stalking reasons so would have to email invite iyswim)

Flamesparrow, what did you do?OR what have you done over the yrs? Im so sorry to hear what has happened.

Lol. IM not on facebook.I am nuts though.

Pretty much the same as you - announcing he obviously fancies various people, I panicked when he was out without me because he would clearly meet someone else. I think my prize moment would have to be getting hysterical when he took his shirt off to show two women his tattoo... yes, the lesbian couple

I have destroyed various friendships he has with women (he is the type of bloke who gets on better with women) by him eventually stopping contact as it wasn't worth the hassle.

He has put up with the accusations, the suspicion etc for years.

Finally in January I accused him again of an affair with a new female friend. It was the last straw. He says that years of me not trusting him has worn down his (already fragile) self esteem, he wasn't prepared to give up his first friend in ages, and he isn't sure if he still loves me as we are both such a mess.

There are other issues too, but that is the main one with us.

He has now moved out and we are seeing each other as friends, and sort of early relationship dates.

When I am stable (and on antidepressants) I completely believe that he has never cheated or even thought about it, but when the demons come I am sure everything he has ever said has been a lie.

I am like it with friends too, I assume that they are talking about me, secretly hate me, if I don't hear from them within the time frame I would normally I decide they now hate me. Again, only in my unstable phases.

One of the key things the book said is Don't say what you are thinking. You manage to go through every day not saying 10000 things you are thinking like "You really shouldn't wear that top", so you can manage NOT to say "You clearly fancy her". Yes, I have messed up a couple of times lately, but I have held in a lot more than I would have in the past.

It was also interesting reading about life from his side. About how there is no way he can win - if he is open then you keep pressing for more information as you assume he is lying, if he lies then you keep questioning to catch him out.

Oh, and he now has changed his password on his phone and email as after suspecting I was checking it and still not trusting him, he set a trap designed to hurt and catch me (we both accepted we were childish with that...), so I asked him to change them so I wasn't tempted to look, and he could feel secure.

Reading through for anything I missed.

Yes, completely to the feeling of being taken for a fool. The idea of it being "obvious" to everyone else when the affair is made public etc.

The most important thing to remember is that his feelings towards you, his relationship with you - that is all about you. His feelings and relationships with other people are nothing about you. Think about your closest friend. How you feel about her/him. Your DH doesn't relate in any way, shape or form in that equation does it? You wanting to spend time with them is nothing about whether or not you want to spend it with your DH. It works the same with him. Him talking to some random blonde is about a chat with a random blonde. It isn't about him wanting to be with her more than you, it isn't making him like you any less. It is nothing about you in the slightest.

(sorry for the essays - I have gone over this whole thing so much over the last few months )

IT's horrible to feel trapped by yourself, and while I don;t do what you do, I know that if I did that with DH he would be incredibly offended and angry. He would think it very disrespectful and hurtful and ultimately it would make him miserable to feel his wife didn't support, trust and love him.

I'm not saying that to make you feel bad. Clearly, you already do. I thought it might help to try and see things from DPs point of view.

I apologise if it's not useful.

Blimey. I feel that i have stable/unstable periods too, though i don't feel i am or ever have been depressed.

HE doesnt have female friends, so i cant even use that as an excuse. I am like you, in the sense that when i am stable i feel confident, sure of him. I feel attractive, know he fancies me etc. However, when i 'go off on one', its a different story. I imagine that he imagines that i was younger, prettier, better body, wishes he could have sex with someone else. That causes me to start a non-existent argument. Afterwards,I am full of remorse and apologetic, which then at a later date starts me off again for being apologetic cause then i feel a mug again. Why am I apologising when he makes me feel like this and so on.

I am gonna get that book flamesparrow. You are right we can stop saying other things quite easily and i need to adapt this with him.

LaTrucha - I could have done with someone saying that to me years ago tbh. DH is this amazing man who understood I had issues, and just tolerated them because he loved me, but to the detriment of his own self esteem. We have now ended up with him not being sure if he can love me when I have made him feel like this. I wish someone had turned round to me years ago and explained how I was making him feel, and said "You're nuts, this isn't "normal" after your dad cheated, get help"

I see myself like an abusive partner now tbh - the whole cycle of accusing, then apologising. It is no different to hitting someone then promising you are sorry, you didn't mean it, it'll never happen again.... but when it does happen again being sure that they drove you to it by looking at someone etc

LaTrucha, thanks, no i appreciate what you are saying.

Flamesparrow, i too do this with friends as well, to a lesser degree and i have fallen out with a few who i thought were taking me for a mug, but to be fair i think i was right! i have a tendency to think you shouldn't take any prisoners, so to speak.

When I am being normal he says that i am barmy and that of course he fancies me, wouldn't be unfaithful, hasn't or wouldn't sleep with a prostitute etc etc and we do sort of have a bit of a laugh in a way. He says I am lovely and he would be crazy to cheat and of course i believe him.

I do wonder how this all chips away at his self esteem though. I try to see if the roles were reversed. God, some of the things I have said over the years you wouldn't believe.

The thing is, i get a thought in my mind or I read something and I'm off. Once I get started i cannot stop. I even feel quite proud of myself for being so astute and clocking on to him. I feel glad that i am not the sort of woman to have the wool pulled over her eyes.

Writing it down , it sounds insane.

I'm torn between relief that I am not the only freak who does this, and being upset that you're going through it too.

Things like MN do not help with the whole evidence thing. I discovered that give a group of many women (many of whom have been hurt by their partners) a list of "suspicious" activity, and 99 out of 100 will scream affair.

I actually showed DH an affair checklist thing a while back, and he could go through and explain calmly and rationally every single one. He did agree though that faced with a list and a healthy dose of insanity, he would say he was having affairs too.

It was like when I discovered his friend hated men with long hair, and DH has had his chopped off after it being long for the past few years. "You did it for her because she prefers it!!!!" At which point he reminded me when she started working with him... and then asked me to think about when he had it cut... the month before she arrived