First day as a single Mum

[lizzyjo]

I never thought it would happen to me but it has. I found out yesterday that my DH is having an affair and I told him to leave. Yesterday I felt relieved and strong-things had not been good for a while-but today I have not stopped crying and don't feel like I ever will.We have 1 DD who has just turned 2 and we would have been married for 3 years in 3 weeks time. Doesn't feel like I've got much to show for my life so far.
Am posting this in the hope that someone who has been through the same thing can offer any advice on how to pick myself up.
Thanks

So sorry for you Lizzyjo. I haven't been through the same thing, but recently unfortunately there have been a few Mumsnetters this has happened to. Do a search for Sykes, Forestfly and Bugsy on the search board. They are going through messy break-ups just now and Bugsy's Husband was carrying on with a colleague for months it would seem. They have 2 children who he doesn't even seem to want to have much to do with.

Is there definitely no chance of a reconcilliation with your husband? I mean, is this a long term affair, is he leaving you for 'her'??

You have LOTS to show for your life! You have a beautiful precious little girl who adores you. He will end up the one with not much to show for HIS life!! Keep us posted. There are always wise Mumsnetters around.

no advice lizzyjo but I can imagine how you are feeling.

But who wants a husband (even a good one) as something to show for their life? You have your dd, your health, and you have been very strong in asking your h to leave like that. (hmm, that's almost advice)

Best of luck though.

No advice except to say I think a lovely daughter is a hell of a lot to show for your life. In fact, when I had my ds I thought, "Ah, that's what I exist for." I'm very sorry this has happened to you. I'm sure someone will be able to offer you more help than I can.

My marriage ended also after 3 years and we also have a daughter who turned 3 yesterday, although my husband's affair was with alcohol. Things do get better, they get worse first and you will have times when you feel happy and liberated and times when you think your world has ended.

All I can say is that there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to be really strong and try to keep things together for the sake of your daughter.

Make sure you get legal advice before you decide anything and stay in the house and with your daughter. Sounds mean bringing solicitors into it if you are both being amicable (sure you don't feel it) but you have to have good advice as to what your rights are for both yourself and your daughter.

Above all you have your daughter to show for your relationship with your husband and you can be a bright, intelligent, viable member of society as a single woman as much as part of a partnership.

I do hope that things get better for you and you must remember that your husband had an affair and that was nothing to do with any short comings that you feel you may have.

Good luck and lots of hugs!!

So sorry to hear your news lizzyjo, I agree with everyone re. you having lots to show for your life, there is nothing more precious than your own child, and your husband is a fool for having messed up like that.
Do go and see a solicitor asap, that's the best thing you can do, and you will feel a bit more in control. Do you have family or close friends who can help? Did you have a holiday planned for the summer and can you still go?
Good luck and big hugs to you and your sweet dd, keep us posted.

So sorry Lizzyjo, I have no advice as such personally, but Mumsnet is a great place to get support and you'll find lots of wonderful advice and support here. Don't think you don't have much to show for your life, that's not at all true, your husband ballsed up, not you and you have a beautiful little girl so you have somethng very wonderful to show for your life,.

I really feel for you Lizziejo - any experience that involves pain and loss is a nightmare.

I have been through a similar experience with my ex-husband, although luckily there were no children involved.

At the end of the day, the fact that your husband had an affair is a betrayal. You need to find out if it was a love affair or a physical affair - I know it may not matter now but it is important to know how long and why etc etc for your own peace of mind.

Find out if he is sorry and wants to try again - for the sake of your dd you need to find out if there is a chance. Maybe you don't love him anymore at the moment or feel like you don't as that is what betrayal does - kicks you in the stomach.

I know that you felt really strong when it first happens - its just shock and denial. However, you need to make sure that you have your friends and family around you for support as it is a very difficult time for you.

You have so much to offer - don't let it knock your confidence or self-esteem. You have a wonderful dd and you have done nothing wrong.

Be strong and we are all here for you.

Hello, I'm SO sorry. Will post later on as work is manic. There's progress - h left seven weeks ago and I'm just about able to work again. Am sure Bugsy will have some wise words. I have two dds and really do empathise. Take care and I'll post again.

Also wanted to say anniversaries are horrible reminders - together 13 years and our 8th wedding anniversary next Tuesday. One positive thing is I feel closer to my daughters and have had great support from friends generally and new mumsnet friends. Posting really helped me.

I haven´t been in this situation either but wanted to send good wishes and support. I would imagine that having as many friends, family and helpers around would help stress levels, tiredness etc and help with long term coping. Hope the people on mumsnet who have been through it make you feel better. Good luck xxxxxxxx

Hi Lizzyjo, I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time. No personal experience of this I'm afraid but just wanted to wish you well.

lizzyjo, I just want to say that for me it was true that time is a great healer for heartbreak. As time goes by, you will not miss your dh in the same way all the time, you will get used to doing things alone or with new friends, you will start to enjoy a different life, and, finally, you will start to remember less often and even forget some of the most hurtful things that have happened to you. If you don't make up, you will find that actually you can have a very happy life as a single parent, even though it was never what you imagined for yourself. On the other hand, if you can make up, then I hope that as time goes by you will be able to forgive and forget and be happy together again. Either way, it is going to be a very hard time for you just now, but will afterwards be better. Take care.

Lizzyjo, so sorry this has happened to you. I went through a messy break up too when my daughter was 8months old, and although not for the same reasons as you, I can relate to what you're going through. I don't have much to add to the advice that's been given so far, only to say things will get better. I know it's a cliche, but it's true. {{{{hugs{}}}}}

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts and advice-it has certainly hepled to hear that other people have found light at the end of the tunnel.

DH says it has only been going on for 6 weeks-she's a colleague at work. I don't believe him because his behaviour has been odd for 6 months or more which is what lead me to suspect in the first place. He also says that it was just sex and that it is over and that I am his 1 true love!!!!
However he has lied to me so much, and in fact I would actually say he is a compulsive liar, that I don't believe him and it doesn't hepl anyway.

I am seeing a solicitor on Tues to see where I stand re access etc. I am trying to be very reasonable with that so far in order to keep things "normal" for DD-not to mention enjoying having the moral high ground!!

My family and friends have been great and I am so lucky to have all that support. As it happens my Mum is moving nearby anyway next week, and although we do not have a brilliant relationship. at least she can be of practical help with DD.

Anyway, I wont go on anymore-not til at least tomorrow anyway!

Dont worry, post as much as you need to - its very cathartic to get your feelings. No one here will begrudge you your post.

No personal experience but good luck. You are obviously very strong - your action in throwing your DH out demonstrates that. Just remember not to be too strong, demand support from your family and friends.

lizzyjo,

I would imagine you will continue to be on a roller coaster for a good while yet. Try and concentrate on the practical things you need to do, and give it time.

For what it's worth, I think you're very brave. As a child, my father had several affairs - I know what damage it can wreak on a family. I don't know if it would have been better if my Mum had asked him to leave - but I do know that seeing the devastation his behaviour caused has had a lasting effect on me.

And as other people have said - you do have something to show for your life so far - you have your daughter.

Good luck.

Lizzyjo, my experience was a little bit different in that my husband left me after I had an affair (but after having another baby together and being together 18 months or so after he found out).

When he finally decided to leave the marriage (although it took him about 8 months to actually leave the house itself), it was his decision and not mine.

I wanted to be "married happily ever after" to him and it was such a shock realising this was not going to happen.

He moved out last September and it is only now I can see it was for the best and I am so much happier.

Up until a few months ago I would have had him back (if he had wanted me, which he didn't), but I can see now that that was only because I didn't want to be on my own (with 3 children) and also didn't want him to be happy with his new girlfriend.

I can honestly say now we get on fine, there is no hurt on my part and I can accept the 17 years or so I had with him as good times in my life, but there is no reason why the next 17 years shouldn't be as good, or even better.

I suppose I am writing from the other side of the coin as it was me that had the affair, but ex. told me he could never forgive me (after having another baby, etc.) and that is one thing you will have go deal with if and when you get the chance - will you be honestly able to forgive him for what he has put you through.

There is no way you will ever forget although I am sure hurt will get easier in time, but it is another thing entirely to be able to forget.

I don't even know where to start with this next bit and I'm not even sure I should be saying anything BUT saw DH last night as he came to look after DD and he revealed to me that he is adopted. No big deal you may think but he has never told a soul and he is absolutely in a mess-feeling rejected, unloved, useless etc...

I feel so bad for him. I want to be able to help him stat to deal with it. Does anyone know of any possible course of action?

Can't say much more, feel disloyal but it explains so much about the way he has been over the years, it's like it all fits now. I think he has been on a self-destruction mission. I do so want to help in some way.

lizzyjo, call me a cynic, but I would be a little wary of this new bit of information....

is it true? Why hasn't he told you before, if you were married, that's one hell of a big secret to keep? Anyway, it's not an excuse for his behaviour, even if it can be called an explanation.

It sounds to me as if he's trying to win your sympathy-"poor me,it wasn't my fault I had an affair, it's because I was given away by my real mother" Nah, I don't buy it, sorry!+

Lizzyjo

I know that dh has not told you before that he was adopted but I too was adopted at 6 weeks old and it pretty much messed up my life in the fact that I never really felt that I had an identity and although I had two wonderful parents (my Dad died two months ago), I never really found "me".

I did eventually trace my parents and unfortunately us adopted children tend to fantastise about the way our parents will look and very rarely are we satisfied with what we find.

However, once I had ds I realised that more than anything I now had something that was "mine" and something that looked like me; that I could love unconditionally and was part of me (and dh obviously!!).

I sometimes wish I had never traced my parents but at the same time, it helped me to become who I am now and find myself. If it has always been at the back of his mind, he may be very lost in himself and not know who he ever has really been.

I had an eating disorder for a long, long time, was very promiscuous right through my twenties and all because I felt I didn't belong and just wanted to try and find something that felt "right".

This definetly does not excuse his behaviour but I suggest that he sees a counsellor immediately and, if he thinks it would help, tries to find his parents using the correct channels. Counselling is fantastic if you find someone you can trust and can exorcise a lot of ghosts.

However, the person I feel for at the moment is you. Don't ever let him try and use this as an excuse for his behaviour - however, it could be a cause of his self-loathing??

Lizzyjo. Just to add to what others have said. As far as the adoption thing, I would also be a bit cynical - you said yourself he's a compulsive liar. It does sound like he's going for the sympathy vote and trying to excuse his behaviour.

All I really wanted to add is that I'm a single mum and it's not so bad. It's tough, bu the good times far outweigh the bad. You'll be fine

Yeah you're right to be cynical about the adoption thing-I was too!! However he has been home for the papers and is going to send them to me.
And yes, he could be going for the sympathy vote-I had thought of that too. Why tell me now? Like playing your trump card sort of thing. I understand all that and just need to remember to not let it eclipse what he has done. It's not just the affair though. Our relationship has not been good since our DD was born-she is 2- and I must hang on to the fact that he has treated me like s**t for 2 years, and that this is just the latest in his behaviour. BUT it does make a lot of sense that he has behaved this way because of his past and the motivation, as someone mentioned, could be self-loathing.
I can't understand though that when he finally got the chance to have "his" family he stuffed up so badly-and that's not the word I would be using if I was talking to any of you face to face. He even admitted that when DD was born he did think it was his big chance.

What has added to my anguish, and nothing to do with the adoption scenario, is that over the days since I found out (Tues) I have also found out about our friends' dispicable behaviour. His 2 closest friends, who i have been very close to over the years, both knew and have covered for him, lying to my face and throwing in red herrings. He has lost a lot of weight in the last few months and been very stressed (not surprising!!) and 1 of them brought that up with me at his house and then offered a "plausible" explanation when he knew all along what the reason was!!!! I find that unforgivable. It is such a destructive feeling to know that people you think cared for you have treated me like this. All I keep telling myself is that it is THEIR inadequacies not mine but it hurts like hell.
Oh well, another day and I'm still here! Have lost half a stone too so chuffed about that!!!

lizzyjo, I've just caught up with your news. You have sympathy and cyberhugs from me. My H also had an affair, spent 5 months messing me around and we are now separated (as of 3 weeks ago).
Not quite sure what the adopted stuff is about. I am adopted and although it has affected my views about certain things, I don't think you can use it as an excuse for infidelity.
I don't really have any great suggestions. I think it is important to try and think about yourself as well as your daughter. Try and work out what you need as well as want for the future.
If at all possible, I think it helps if you can ensure your H continues to maintain a regular relationship with your daughter.
With very best wishes.

I have no advice for you as I have been fortunate enough not to have been through this, but I just wanted to wish you and your DD all the very best and also to congratulate you on your strength of character. i would suggest that you keep talking about it as long as you feel the need, it's not always advice you need but you can ALWAYS do with a friend or two

Bugsy, I remember reading some of the thread when you discovered your DH's affair-thanks for replying. You see I was suspicious some time back! Do you mind me asking (please feel free not to answer) but how did you end up splitting up in the end? Did you find counselling helpful? I just don't know if I can forgive him, and fear that I will be storing up more heartache for the next time.
I hope you are coping anyway, you sound like you are.