told being single is not a 'proper life'

[without]

Hi,
I'm in bits.

I'm a middle-aged mum and have been single for over 10 years and without a boyfriend for over 4 - my ex-husband cheated on me throughout our marriage, and I've only had 2 proper relationships since; 1 for 7 months - he broke off our enagagement, and 1 for 6 months - he went back to his ex-wife - not a great record. I wouldn't say I'm that unattractive, am bright, slim, well dressed etc, but no one is interested in dating me.

One of my best friends intimated that being single wasn't a 'proper life' and he wouldn't want that for his kids. I can see his point, but I didn't choose to be alone, and am devastated that he sees me as some pathetic looser who exists to bring up her kids and work to pay the bills.

His marriage isn't great by all accounts and I know I'd rather be alone than stuck in an unsupportive and unhappy relationship.

Why do people have to be so cruel - I have to deal with this slight on my own as I haven't anyone I'm able to talk to. I can't eat and keep crying. I'd love to have someone in my life, but what is the chance when a close friend sees me as a pathetic loser; what must other people think?

I disagree with your so-called friend. Many single people have happy, busy, rich lives. And as you say, it's better to be happy on your own than miserable with someone else....

And you have your dcs - so it's not like you are pining away in lonely bedsit land!

I think there has been research to sho that women are happier single and men happier when they are married - so maybe it is a male thing...

I don't have a partner or husband, sorry but that certianly doesn't make me a loser.

I am happy to be on my own and whereas some people, not all but some stay in bad marriages due to not wanting to be on there own, I wouldn't want to feel so patheticly trapped in a marriage

Take no notice of this silly coment, cause it really is silly in itself

Florence Nightingale
Toulouse Lautrec
James Buchanan

all fampous and they never married..hardly pathetic

Is that true, Decorhate? Sounds good!

Without - I'm really sorry this person has upset you. What a horrid, insensitive and just wrong thing to say - he is talking nonsense.

You do an extremely worthwhile job bringing up and supporting your children, and I will tell you now I'm in a similar position, not having had a relationship for about 4 years - and having turned down a few dodgy contenders in the interim, I now feel stronger than I ever have as regards men and not needing one in order to be OK.

I bet you are even stronger. I genuinely think the longer we are alone the more whole we become as humans, and it can only prepare us better for the (what may seem rather remote!) chance that we will meet someone lovely in the future.

I think you should not give it a second thought. You're doing SO much better than he is and I suspect that many marriages and partnerships are little more than a huge compromise, or a constant battle.

I know which I would rather.

You are doing good.

Ivykaty, that is a good list but Toulouse Lautrec was rather small and creepy

I hesitate to compare any of us to him.

lol

I bet he is miserable. Happy married people don't usually say these kind of crap. Unhappy ones do sometimes. Probably to justify their sad lives and luck of balls?

Anyway you know the saying 'those who matter dont care, those who care don't matter'

You don't need to find a man but you do need to find better and more intelligent friends.

Have you ever thought that there might be lots of married people who actually envy you?

well can you please come up with some more famous fabulous singles - cos I wasn't thinking of any more...

Oh apart from Elizabeth I, though by all accounts she had a long term lover

life is not about finding 'the one' - it's about doing the best you can, having some fun & not hurting others. it sound like you fit that description better than he does.

there is nothing pathetic about being single ('some of my best friends are single'), and whilst i hesitate to use that description, the most 'pathetic' thing is when people are unhappy & unfulfilled, but too scared to make any changes, so they carry on, knowing that they could be having a better life, if only they could make some changes.

You come to this life alone and you leave this life alone. I don't want to get too deep but that it what it boils down to. Being in a committed relationship is a choice, not a requisite. Personally I think that this is why sexual interest wears off within long term relationships, you are instinctively programmed to be in them long enough to procreate and provide protection for your children in their earliest, most vulnerable years and then it is time to move on and procreate somewhere else or else be alone. It is all about furthering the species and once that is done is there really any need to be in a relationship?

Personally I am happiest single but it did take me a couple of decades and two failed marriages to realise it.

Well, your friend is a patronising numpty, without!

How is being single not a proper life? Are all single people fake and somehow unreal? I'm a little bemused by this.

Now, I have not read other comments (will do in a mo) but some men seem to be a bit threatened by women who seem to thrive on being single. Might your friend be one of these?

Having read through I agree with others that he is probably jealous of you, due to being stuck in an unhappy relationship so the problem is most definitely his, not yours.

Please don't let this spiteful comment upset you any more than it has done.

I can't think of any either IvyKaty..

Carol Vorderman? Oh dear.

I'm starting to think maybe it isn't such a wonderful thing to live with someone else.

At the moment I have no time for it - no time for them, I mean, only for the kids and sometimes a bit for me. But cannot imagine coping with someone else's needs too.
It's a bit like having a pet I suppose. All nice and exciting and stuff then you realise you have to clean it out once a week, and it's crapped under your bed, and has fleas. but it lies on your lap sometimes and is quite friendly.

Mind you i had one pet - which was a cat - whom I actually really, really loved, I mean I'd have done almost anything for it. I had it 7 weeks and it died of kidney failure - I'd got it all scruffy from the rescue place and it had spent the entire time shitting all over my flat and sleeping on my bed.

I don't know why that cat was so bloody special but I can honestly say it was the first thing or person I ever felt that way about.

So maybe some relationships are a bit like that - you just have to be near that person to the exclusion of all else. But then how do the kids fit into the equation - who comes first?

The man I was with when ds1 arrived was another great, all encompassing love, but as soon as ds arrived, ds became top dog - maybe thatw as why the bloke left. I didn't do everything he wanted any more because it wasn't fair on ds.

Sorry I have rambled on a bit but this thread has made me think.

Being unhappily married I would love to be single I question daily how much longer I have to put my children's happiness before my own.Dh isn't abusive or anything else I just don't love him or even like him. He is happy enough having a wife (skivvy)and children he loves.

There are good things about being alone and bad thingsm as well. It can be very lonely and very responsible, depending on how much other support you have.

What a stupid man - why is he one of your best friends? I always find that people who criticise others are usually full of self-doubt.

And read this thread - I started it...
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/937448-to-grow-old-alone

that statistic is actually about life expectancy:

women live longer single, men live longer married.

@asdx2 - if you are unhappy, then seek some counselling, and think seriously about a future with your dh. I'm not saying leave but at least think things through so you know your choices. Knowledeg si nerver a bad thing.

@ancientbutstillgorgeous - had a quick look at your thread and yes, I too think I may very well grow old alone. It does scare me a bit though.

Maybe he's jealous and wants to be single himself....

Gawd, without, that is a hurtful thing to say and IMO really not true. Sounds to me like your friend is a bit jealous of your apparent lack of need to be with someone (anyone) at any given time, given his own marriage misgivings. We are all different, and different at different stages of our lives, and prioritise accordingly - that doesn't make us needy or whatever, it just makes us sensible and grown up. Your friend knows you are in charge of your life and choices and can do what you like within boundaries you set yourself and that can be quite threatening to people who aren't/don't.

You carry on love!

does he fancy you? i bet he does.

what a very strange thing for anyone to say. SOunds unhappily married to me

totally, jasper, and justifying staying in an unhappy marriage so as to be an example to his kids... oh well, each to their own...