DP suddenly turned psycho on me (non violent, just wierd)

[Sorce]

Sorry for the name change everyone.
Ever since I've lived with DP I have not worked (illness but better now) or done much of anything really. He always seemed ok with this but I wanted to go out and do something so HE suggested college rather than getting stuck in a dead end job so I went for it. So I've been there about 3 weeks now and as a shy, quiet person I've found it quite difficult to make friends. I have joked to DP now and again that I'm the "billy no mates" of the group and he makes all the right sympathetic noises. Yesterday was better though, I got talking to a few people and last night I joked to DP that I have finally made "a friend" and even walked to bus station with her. He sat there very stone faced and did not respond. I said "What's up? you seem annoyed" and he replied "I just don't see how you can make "friends" with people you have only known for 3 weeks".

So I said I was joking about the "friend" thing but on the positive side I am getting to know the people on the course better and am getting "FRIENDLY" with a couple of them. He snapped "yeah, and you'll be wanting to go out with them next". I said "so?? what if I do go out with them now and again?" and he said "oh so you've already arranged it then" and I said "no but the likelyhood is there WILL be a night out at some point and if there is, I'll go. He said "yeah and I bet they'll be blokes there".

I said "there are only 3 blokes on the course!" I then went on to describe them and point out why I wouldn't be interested. Somehow he misheard me at one point and said "oh, so there's 4 now? you said 3 a minute ago, so who is the 4th one?" I said "I never said that" and he accussed me of mentioning a blokes name when I never mentioned any names at all.

Anyway the argument went on pretty much all night with him more or less saying he didn't want me mixing with any males or even going out the women too often and he didn't want to see any male names on my facebook or my phone etc.

He has never shown these signs before but I suppose since upto now my life has consisted of housework and not much else, he's had no reason to fear me having a social life.

How do I deal with this? is he likely to calm down about it all after a while or will it get worse?

Oh and at one point I said to him "you should be happy that I'm making friends, would you prefer me to be the sad, lonely one sat at the back of the class that everyone avoids speaking to?" and he said "yes, I would actually" great! good to know he really cares about my happiness eh!

Is he your partner, or your jailer?

hmm,

worrying signals there.

How long have you been with him?

How long have you been with him ?

I couldn't be with a man who behaved like that. Even once would make me run for the hills.

About 2 years, been living together for a year and a half

Get rid....... It will be a long lonely road ahead otherwise! You're doomed

He's a control freak and he prefers you at home and lonely, because then he's needed. If you get friends and a social life, he's redundant. You could try working very very hard to reassure him that he'll always be loved and wanted, and see if he gets past this. But it's more than possible he never will - he will only ever want the little woman at home. Up to you to decide whether you can be happy like that.

I don't think you have to get rid straight away.

I think he has suggested a course rather than work as you are still dependent on him bringing in the money (sorry if I have the wrong idea here).

Make it clear, you are doing this course.

You do hope it will allow you to make friends (male and female) with a common interest.

You will go out if there is an evening arranged and yes shock horror the guys may well be going too!

If you have FB you will add who you want when regardless of their sex.

Let him know you love him, it is him you want to be with but you will not accept that behaviour from him ever.

If he becomes worse over it then you need to decide if you want to stay with someone who wants this control over your life.

He can only behave like this towards you if you let him.

You don't have to deal with this, quite honestly. He is responsible for his own comments. You do not have to explain or justify anything.

Either he will come to his senses later today, apologise and say he was a twat,
OR

you will have to realise that this is the start of a very slippery downward spiral.

I agree with Hassled. He's trying to control you.

I'd get rid pronto.`If you stay and give into his pathetic demands he will see it as a signal that he he has 'won' and his behavior is acceptable. Which means there is a danger of it escalating. If you are a few minutes longer at the shop it will be because you have been flirting with the guy behind the till. If you don a get a job and work late one day, you won't be working you'll be shagging your boss. Of course you will never be visiting friends, you'll be meeting your lover.

Oh, bloody hell

I'm afraid every sign is that he's a freaky control monster - you were unwell when you got together, which meant you couldn't "threaten" him by - umm, having a life of your own. If he's reacting like this only 3 weeks into your new course, I dread to think what your life will be like by Christmas (and hope you're not there to find out, btw.)

Congratulations on your return to health, and on your new friends Your life has been on hold for 3 years; now you've got it back - enjoy it!

Let him find another sick person to take care of ... (and give her a link to mumsnet )

2 years, sorry

btw - Agree that you can blank off his boundary-testing behaviour, by simply not engaging. You'll need to use a lot of neutral responses, like "Really?", "Hmmm, I don't see it that way", "I shan't argue about this" ... and, "Don't bully me, DP"

I don't believe this will change anything, but it will help you stay on an even keel & clear your head a bit

Massive alarm bells ringing - deafening me, actually. Get out NOW.

yup, alarm bells.

you could wait and see how he reacts when you do go out, but be under no illusion that the reason your relationship has worked well so far is that you've been housebound and belonged to him totally. now you've got a life he's not going to like it and is going to try and curtail your fun.

This sounds really worrying.

Don't make compromises - if you give in even slightly he will grab hold of that bit of power and hold on to it.

Carry on as normal, get to know your new friends, get on with your life.

When he kicks off, tell him you love him and want to be with him but you have every right to a normal social life just like anyone else and he will just have to get used to it.

If he doesn't, it's his choice and he will lose you altogether.

I think up until now he's always been safe in the knowledge that because I had nothing going on in my life, my chances of making friends were slim. Then when I started college and admitted I was finding it hard to make friends, he seemed quite relieved. Now he feels threatened that I'm going to be "out in the world" without him there to keep an eye on me. I'm just going to refuse to get into it with him again. If I want to add blokes (i.e the 21 year old art student he thinks I'm shagging ) I'll just do it. What annoys me most is that he has women on his facebook from work and I've never questioned it! The idea of me shagging every man I meet is actually quite ammusing. Don't know where he thinks I get the energy from!

Be very careful. Every account I've ever read of men who bash up women has described men who start like this, who make up behaviours the woman is supposedly indulging in as a justification for whacking them. And every single man who has ever been brought to account for his violence says to his victim, "You made me do it" and to outsiders, "Itw as her fault. She made me do it. If she hadn't done (a) (b) or (c) it wouldn't have happened."

It takes a long time for a man recovering from violent, controlling behaviour to recognise that he rationalises his own need to control and bully from a deeply insecure inner belief.

Just be careful, be warned, be alert to danger, have an escape route. Above all, as others say above, refuse and continue to refuse to accept DP's constraints. If you give an inch, he will take a mile - and none of it will be a fun journey for you, believe me.

Yes, true. My ex was like this too...... Before the beatings started of course!

If he's losing some control then be prepared for him to up his behaviour to regain it

livingdoll, that is actually something I was concerned about. I worked for a mental health charity a few years ago and a lot of the women were suffering domestic violence. I recognise some of their stories in DP.
"He started being paranoid when I started work"
"He tried to stop me going out with friends and said they were not REAL friends"
"He accussed me of doing things I wasn't"
"He said I'd said things when I hadn't"
"He started shouting/getting in my face/being intimidating"
"He started to push me around or drag me"
"He started to hold me against the wall"
"He started to slap/punch/kick me and then blamed me for it" etc etc etc

So far, he's only on the first stage of this but I did recognise that it often starts like this. I wondered if anyone else would confirm my fear and you have.

sorry threeblonde, crossed post.

Leave-now he hasn´t got you where he wants you he´s not happy.

He seems definitely jealous of any relationship you might have out of your own relationship with him. It sounds like one of those relationships where he is only happy when you are in a position to rely on him.

Please just be a little careful as really he should be happy that you have other interests, perhaps on a night out you might have you should take him with you to see there is no threat, or perhaps not but it does sound quite controlling and a little concerning at this point.

Good luck

He could just be jealous and over-reacting. I would start saying that people keep talking to you and you act as though you don't know how to handle it as you just want to get on and study etc.

See if he then starts to advise you on how to handle them ie, inadvertently making friends with them and thank him for helping you out of this awkward situation. I've done this in the past with jealous partners and it has worked.

He's encouraged you to go to college and is now worried about the consequences of the college giving you more confidence.

If that doesn't work and he just says something like "just ignore them", then he's obviously got big problems and the previous advice about leaving him may have to be the way to go.

SK

Right, this is just my opinion but you might want to consider it for a moment:

He was attracted to you when you were ill and vulnerable. Even when you recovered, you still stayed where he could see you which I would imagine he encouraged in lots of subtle little ways which went completely over your head.

He steered you into doing a course RATHER than going back to work because he probably thought if you were in a job you would meet men and of course, 'inevitably' shag them. He considered your course a safe bet in this respect. Is it a girly subject by any chance, the kind where few men would be attending? Or is it just coincidence there are only a few blokes on your course?

Throughout the 2 year relationship you did nothing to challenge his massive, irrational and all consuming jealousy and possessiveness. You can be forgiven for not even noticing it was there, and it's only when you examine things more closely that you start to unearth this paranoid agenda that he has which runs through everything.

In many ways, you are 2 or 3 weeks into this relationship. 2 or 3 weeks into really being yourself, with him being himself. His true colours are showing, as are yours - and there is conflict. Bearing this in mind, I wouldn't wait around to see what nightmarish situations lie in the future. I would leave now, if I were you.

Unfortunately, it's this type of man who is violent and sometimes even homicidal towards their partner, usually when the partner stands up to them or leaves them. You read about it almost every week in the news. Don't become one of those women: recognize his behaviour for what it is, all the little incidents that you must have seen that you haven't listed here and probably dismissed, and all the things you have said here which are big red flags. It is so, so concerning. He is a very angry, controlling and oppressive partner and I would strongly suggest you seek counselling or call Women's Aid if you need some help to leave him, because it will only get worse.