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Original poster

Contacted by Twunty Ex

40 replies

Thistledew · 23/04/2010 08:50

I split up with my ex over four and a half years ago after 6 years of what I realised in hindsight to be a classically abusive (mentally, physically and sexually) relationship.

I spoke with him about twice in the following few months, and since then received about 4 emails from him, which I ignored. I have heard nothing at all for about three years.

Last Saturday, he called me at 4.30 in the morning. Unsurprisingly, I did not answer the phone, and did not respond to the voicemail message he left - saying that he had been thinking about me and that he was calling to see how I was. wtf?

Last night, again at about 4am, I got this text message:

"I look at the brush strokes down the wall next to me. Remember the strokes I applied somewhere else. While elgar is playing I'll gloss the door. My cat biscuit will wait to meet you. Yes, I've been thinking of you lots. I'm so proud of you, and the fact you made it."

I found out that ex had received quite a lot of therapy after we split, and had been wondering whether he had learnt to acknowledge that he was abusive to me, and had managed to change. I had had some thoughts about contacting him to find out. Well, I seem to have my answer now- most definitely not.

The question is, do I just block his number and not respond at all, or do I contact him and have my chance to tell him exactly how awful his behaviour to me was, and that I do not want to hear from him ever again?

My DP suggests the former, but I wonder if the latter would give me more of a sense of closure? I have never quite been able to rid my mind of the things that I would like to say to ex if I had the chance. When the relationship ended, he was the one to leave, as I was finally standing up to him, but I had not really processed how abusive the relationship was, and never told him how wrong his behaviour was.

Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
Seabright · 23/04/2010 08:59

Does he drink? I cannot see why any sober person would contact you at 4am.

I agree with your DP. Block him and ignore him. If you contact him it won't go the way you plan; if you're anything like me, you'll have all worked out in your head what you're going to say, but something will happen (probably he'll make some excuse) and you won't be able to say what you plan, and you'll be in a worse position with still no closure.

If you do nothing, it's closure on your terms, not allowing him the chance to make excuses for his behaviour.

EcoMouse · 23/04/2010 09:01

If you wish for closure, attend counselling. Don't make any aspect of your recovery reliant upon anything to do with him. He's nothing! He doesn't deserve to be handed that power.

Remember you are dealing with someone who is apparently not 'well' mentally. There is no knowing how he will react and in all likelyhood he will and it will be in the negative.

Move on in the truest sense of the word - without him, his input, his presence or his opinion.

Original poster
Thistledew · 23/04/2010 09:07

Seabright- Yes he does drink and has a real problem with alcohol. Although he sounded quite sober in the voicemail.

Has anyone had any type of counselling that has helped with this sort of thing? I seem to have a very active inner voice that is always imagining conversations for different scenarios, and I would really like not to thoughts of my ex and the relationship, but find it hard to stop dwelling.

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 23/04/2010 09:12

I would say dont respond - it will drive him crazy not even knowing if he left the message on the right phone!!

We have had a letter from a family member who just wanted to rant and get their point across - my h didnt even bother reading it - we knew it would be vile anyway.

I did read it - it made me cross and i wanted to tell him exactly what kind of man he was - but what would be the use?

We have never contacted him again but have heard that he asks questions to find out if we ever recieved the letter.

EcoMouse · 23/04/2010 09:18

I had PTSD following a horrific occurrence within an EA relationship but wasn't able to take up the counselling offered.

It took about two years for me to feel free of the PTSD and also the near obsession my mind developed which was similar to what you describe.

If by now, had I not broken free of it, I would most definitely seek counselling.

It doesn't really answer you question but you're not alone!

One of the reasons I warned against approaching you approaching your x is that it took police involvement for my x to be kept away from me following 2 years of harassment.

This was a real thorn in the side of my healing and I would hate for anyone to unwittingly invite a similar reaction in an EA x.

Original poster
Thistledew · 23/04/2010 09:20

Unfortunately, he does know that it is my phone, as I have a personalised message on the voicemail. I am not willing to change the number, as I use the phone for work contacts.

I really feel uncomfortable about the text message, and think that it is actually deliberately threatening. Does it come across that way- or just drunken ramblings?

My parents still have occasional contact with him, as they are friends with his mother. I have told them some, but not all of the treatment I suffered from him, but would actually like to say to them now not to have contact with him, as I think he has crossed a line. Is this overreacting?

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 23/04/2010 09:20

...excuse the multitude of typo's!

Original poster
Thistledew · 23/04/2010 09:23

I am a bit worried that if I just ignore him, he will turn up at my house. His previous attempts at contact were really not so disturbed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thistledew · 23/04/2010 09:35

The thing is that I don't really feel that I need counselling as such.

I was lucky that towards the end of the relationship we saw a very good couple's counsellor, who enabled me to see that I was letting my ex abuse me, and made me aware of some of the reasons I was doing this. I took away the thought processes she started for me and my self-esteem and other issues are much much better now.

I just don't seem to be able to shake off the anger at my ex.

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 23/04/2010 09:36

solely on the question of what the text sounds like-to me it sounds nuts, and maybe drunk. but you would know best, and if you found his tone threatening then that's enough isn't it? wtf is with the cat biscuit thing? whatever it is he comes across as needy and unstable and i would def tell my parents in your shoes, good luck.

EcoMouse · 23/04/2010 09:38

If you interact with him, he essentially has a 'right' to respond, unless your communication is limited to only "do not attempt to communicate with me again". In this case, if he then approaches you in any way, shape or form, the police will be able to act, if necessary.

Original poster
Thistledew · 23/04/2010 09:41

PP- I am guessing that his cat is called Biscuit. His lack of capitals. That is what I find so creepy. It seems that he has determined that I will be going to see him. Urgh!

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 23/04/2010 09:42

I understand when you say you don't feel you need counselling but it would be so good for you to be able to switch your active mind off when it turns to thoughts of him!

I do believe this is possible without counselling (I've done without) and I suggested it only as an alternative to communicating with him, IYSWIM.

Katisha · 23/04/2010 09:43

I suspect you won't get the sense of closure you need by trying to make him understand what he did to you. I think you will have come to terms with that yourself, and decide how to let it affect you now that you have moved on. I suspect he will never actually get it and that by contacting him and opening all teh old wounds up you will probably do more damage to yourself than him. and he may see it as welcome attention.

I would possibly just send an unequivocal message saying do not contact me again.

As for your parents you can't really just tell them to stop seeing his parents unless they have the full picture. What would be their reaction do you think?

But basically I think the thing is totally lose contact with him and not keep wondering about him. YOu may need to get some counselling help with letting it go and looking forward not back maybe?

Original poster
Thistledew · 23/04/2010 09:56

Katisha- I don't want my parents to stop seeing his mum, as she is really lovely. I would rather they did not have contact with him now. I have not told them all the details because I know that they would be upset and hurt for me, and I think it is pointless burdening them with it. I will tell them about the message and say that I would feel uncomfortable with them meeting with him (they usually have a meal with him and his mother about once or twice a year).

OP posts:
orangina · 23/04/2010 10:02

He sounds a bit like an ex of mone who used to send me random emails saying things like "I dreamt about you again last night....." yadda yadda yadda yadda. Always about him. And then nothing for months. Am now sure he has slightly narcissistic (sp?) presonality, but I didn't realise that at the time. It was all his way of trying to make sure that he was there, needling me SOMEHOW.

I eventually wrote him an email telling him to bog off and leave me alone, whihc of course he promptly replied to, telling me at length that while would of course RESPECT my decision, I would always be a v special part of his life, blah blah blah. He was married w a pg wife by then.

Anyway, I should have just ignored him. Recently again he has obviously discovered the delights of FB and I got 4 friend requests from him, which I took HUGE pleasure in IGNORING.

It did take me ages to stop being angry with him for his behaviour, and I still feeling irked that some of my friends still like him (go figure). Ignore and move on.

Twattish message he left you. Perhaps our exes are one and the same?!?!

orangina · 23/04/2010 10:12

PS: I also went through that phase of thinking that perhaps he had mellowed with age, and we could actually be normal friends. But of course he hadn't changed at all, he was still a self centred twat. In that that final episode (which somehow again felt as though I was let down, followed by me feeling like an idiot for thinking he might be any different) helped me to really not give a shit any more about him. Blimey it has taken a while though.

The twunts somehow manage to really get under your skin, don't they?

ljgibbs · 23/04/2010 10:16

Ignore him and get his number blocked so he can't call/text you.

Original poster
Thistledew · 23/04/2010 10:18

Thanks for all the advice.

I will continue to just ignore for now.

This does make me feel that this was a bit like when we were together, and I was never "permitted" to challenge him on his behaviour or point out how unreasonable he was being, but I do know that this is just a feeling I have to deal with in my own mind, as it is the best and most mature way for me to handle the situation.

If he does persist, I will try a simple "I find the way you are contacting me unacceptable. Please do not contact me again, as I will not respond". And block his number.

I just am a bit worried that if I do this he will try to visit me or to hassle my parents.

OP posts:
orangina · 23/04/2010 10:19

If you respond, he is getting the reaction that he wants. Do try not to do it. Just block, and leave it like that. Then go and paint your nails a colour you know he would hate. Or something like that.

Original poster
Thistledew · 23/04/2010 10:21

orangina- sadly, I think it just proves how many stupid, self-centered men there are around. I think it is the lack of rationality that bugs so much.

With my DP now, and with my friends, if they are behaving in a way that is upsetting to me, I can just talk to them about it and I know that they will take it on board and try to do things differently. The ex has such a loose grip on reality that you cannot point out how odd his behaviour is.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 23/04/2010 10:26

I would say - don't respond.

for all he knows the number he's texting is no longer yours.

orangina · 23/04/2010 10:26

Yes, there are far too many of them around... I have read so many threads about horrible relationships on MN and thought "oooh, he sounds just like my ex....".

Nope, you can't reason with them or even assume on any level that they have anything like the same degree of understanding about even simple things like right or wrong. The trick is not to engage with them, not to let them draw you back into their f**ked up world.

great that you have a normal dp now!

warthog · 23/04/2010 10:30

do not contact him, even to tell him not to contact you.

your anger is something you need to come to terms with and confronting him now will not give it to you. i think you are angry that you didn't have the chance to stand up for yourself then so you want to do it now. thing is he won't give you the pleasure.

write it all down and then burn it instead.

DuelingFanjo · 23/04/2010 10:30

"Unfortunately, he does know that it is my phone, as I have a personalised message on the voicemail"

oh, sorry. I missed this.

I still think no response is the best response.

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