Contacted by Twunty Ex

[Thistledew]

I split up with my ex over four and a half years ago after 6 years of what I realised in hindsight to be a classically abusive (mentally, physically and sexually) relationship.

I spoke with him about twice in the following few months, and since then received about 4 emails from him, which I ignored. I have heard nothing at all for about three years.

Last Saturday, he called me at 4.30 in the morning. Unsurprisingly, I did not answer the phone, and did not respond to the voicemail message he left - saying that he had been thinking about me and that he was calling to see how I was. wtf?

Last night, again at about 4am, I got this text message:

"I look at the brush strokes down the wall next to me. Remember the strokes I applied somewhere else. While elgar is playing I'll gloss the door. My cat biscuit will wait to meet you. Yes, I've been thinking of you lots. I'm so proud of you, and the fact you made it."

I found out that ex had received quite a lot of therapy after we split, and had been wondering whether he had learnt to acknowledge that he was abusive to me, and had managed to change. I had had some thoughts about contacting him to find out. Well, I seem to have my answer now- most definitely not.

The question is, do I just block his number and not respond at all, or do I contact him and have my chance to tell him exactly how awful his behaviour to me was, and that I do not want to hear from him ever again?

My DP suggests the former, but I wonder if the latter would give me more of a sense of closure? I have never quite been able to rid my mind of the things that I would like to say to ex if I had the chance. When the relationship ended, he was the one to leave, as I was finally standing up to him, but I had not really processed how abusive the relationship was, and never told him how wrong his behaviour was.

Thanks for any advice.

Thanks all.

I am starting to get the feeling that if I ignore him and cut him out entirely, it is as powerful as being able to give him a piece of my mind.

Just need to get my inner-monologue on track!

More powerful, as it will piss him off! Hold on to that power.

Apathy is the best revenge.Blank him!

Block& ignore-do not engage at all.
Engaging will imo give him "power" & he´ll never tell you what you want to know.

I'd agree - do NOT respond. In "The Gift of Fear" the writer says that stalkers (often twunty exes!) regard ANY kind of response as an invitation for them to respond right back at you again. He's looking for a reaction, don't give it to him. Block his number if you can, so you never have to hear from him again.

Oh, and read "The Gift of Fear" - it's fantastic. Good luck to you, you sound like a really strong and sorted person

Another voice here for ignore. Anything you say will just be viewed as contact rather than be listened to I suspect. He might have had a lot of therapy but if he's texting you this rubbish in the middle of the night, which is utterly selfish behaviour, the therapy ain't worked.

I would also tell your parents. They are adults, you don't need to protect them, they would like to protect you I'm sure though and if they understand they will be careful what they say about you if they have to see him.

i also think he needs to be ignored. any response to him will fuel his need for dialogue.
were police involved with his abusive behaviour? you could try seeking advice from them

He is trying to worm his way back into your life. Don't indulge him for a second, any attention will be accepted by him as an open invitation, it will then be impossible to get rid of him.

Change your phone number. I was a fully paid up member of the ignore squad - but then the texts changed from pleading to really nasty. It felt so good once I'd done it (although I was in two minds even when I was calling the phone company) but I now wish I'd done so earlier so I never had to get the nasty stuff iyswim

And that kind of overwritten "I'm so clever" BS is just the kind of shit my ex would have written.

I assume he has a cat called Biscuit - unless it's actually a cat biscuit that he's now talking to, which would be worrying.

I would ignore the messages and/or block his number if possible. Although changing your number would be the best thing. It wouldn't be difficult to let all your contacts know that you have a new number, in the greater scheme of things.

I would also ask your parents not to give any information about you to him/his parents if they ask. That way he can't find out anything about you and what you are doing at the moment.

DO NOT RESPOND IN ANY WAY.

He is a deluded fantasist and probably fairly harmless, but ANY contact will be perceived as a win by him. He has got you interested, if you like.

This is about you, now - not him. That voice in your head could probably use some counselling but the moment you respond to your ex, he will up the game.

You could get an injunction to rpevent him coming round but again this might just aggravate him.

It sounds very scary and freaky but tbh this kind of shite is usually just them playing a game with their own memories.

Change your number NOW, keep the messages in case you do need proof of harrassment (for this is what it is) and don't send anything - not even a 'don't contact me' message. Nothing, Zilcho.

The matter of feeling safe from him coming roundis going to be a case of getting you current DP to be around when possible, for a while till you feel safe...also you could log the messages with the police, s part of a record of his behaviour. They won't contact him either but will keep it in case anything else should happen - which I bet it won't if you just change your number.

Your phone company should have a nuisance calls dept who will action this for free, if you're bing harrassed/stalked/bothered.

(I told my ex I'd changed my email address and he stopped emailing - though I hadn't! But I have now, anyway. You need to look stronger than him - laugh it off, kind of thing. It gets them where it hurts ie sense of pride.

Yes LTJ it sounds as though he is desperate for someone to like him...maybe he has just been ditched by someone else and is feeling lonely (bless)

hence all the fantasy driven 'she always put up with me...she must still love me' crap.

Does anyone know how to block numbers on an iPhone?

Changing my number will really have to be an act of last resort as I am self employed and there are many people who have my number for work purposes. Someone with whom I had not spoken for years called me recently to offer work, so I hate to think I would be bullied out of similar opportunities in the future.

No contact last night. I will speak to my parents later and tell them that I would rather they did not have any further contact with him.

I am working on stopping the internal monologue- trying to deliberately distract myself. So far the best distraction seems to be thinking about how lovely and suportive MNers are . I only wish I had found this when I was still with him.