Stood up on my Birthday, how would you react?

[StoodUp]

I've namechanged because I want to see this event with a bit of perspective.

So, it was my birthay a couple of weeks ago. A big one. And it was a really big deal to me. I'd asked DH to arrange a party for me, but due to circumstances my brother ended up doing it. I was a little hurt that he didn't have a hand in any of it (I had never had a birthday party as an adult before) but the day itself was lovely. We had it a week earlier and DH was there in the background helping out with lifts and things.

I thought that he would do something lovely for my birthday instead. Earlier in the year he'd thrown around a few (lovely) ideas, so I had some pretty high hopes.

Now let's throw in the spanner.

A month earlier his DB had asked him to be his best man. Very unexpected, very last minute, with a "just do the speech, no other responsibilities" type thing.

Second Spanner.

Work won't let DH take my Birthday evening off work and he's going to be away from that night for a week. I say don't worry about it, we've got the night before. But I was a bit saddened by it (didn't tell him though as there was nothing that could be done).

First spanner rears its ugly, metal head when a week and a half before my birthday DBIL announces that weekend he is going to have his stag do. It's 3 hours away. I tell DH that if it's just on the evening of my B'day he should really go, it's important. But I'm very sad because I thought we'd go out for a meal. DH says it's either going to be that night or the night before. I tell him to let me know. He later tells me it's on the night before my birthday. I say he should go.

Three days before my birthday I ask when he's leaving for DBIL's and he says the next day. He then reveals that DBIL's stag do is going to be over 2 nights and a day. At which time I am devastated. I cry and cry and ask him why he didn't tell me. He mumbles that he thought he did. I ask him to come back for the Saturday night and take me out for dinner. He says he has a duty to DBIL. I beg him and eventually he asks me what time I want him back. I tell him that he's making arrangements and so he should decide and that he should call me to let me know.

At this point he also reveals that he hasn't organised anything for my Birthday day either.

He leaves saying he's off to organise things. We don't speak about it again. He leaves the next day for DBILs.

My Birthday-Eve came and went. He didn't call. He didn't come home.

Throw in DD (1) vomiting all night and you get a lovely picture of how much fun I had.

I finally get through to him at 1am and he says he's just left the stag do (early) and is on his way home, should be with me sometime after 3 in the morning.

I tell him not to come. I tell him that I thought he was coming back. He says he was never going to.

I tell him I don't want to see him.

I spend the whole of my birthday in tears. He turns up at 3pm to get his work things, says he's sorry but he had a duty (all very coldly) I cry and ask him what about his duty to me, he leaves. I send him an email that night saying that tomorrow is another day and we can always fix things.

I don't see him for a week. He sends cold, "I'm doing this and having a great time" emails. Doesn't call (not even to talk to the DCs). I cry all week, but don't call him.

So. Was I wrong to ask him to stay? Was I wrong to be so upset? Am I wrong?

Be gentle, I'm still a bit fragile, but I need to know. Am I wrong?
Oh God, didn't mean it to be that long. Thanks for reading this far if you have!

Cor blimey, is this Wuss Week on mumsnet?

OP, I'm quite horrified to read about what happened last year, and that you worked hard to pay off his debts, which he hadn't told you about. He owes you one (at least) and that makes his attitude over the birthday thing all the more repuslive in my eyes. The man seems to have a sense of entitlement the size of a small planet.

FGS, don't grovel, apologise or even brush it under the carpet. Hrrrmph

He could have said to his disorganised, last minute, make plans on the spot Brother "nope, sorry mate, can't do a 2 day stag do then, it's my wifes important birthday! What else can you suggest? A one night thing? Or go ahead without me?"

And

When he said 'what time do you want me back' (and yes, he should have pro-actively said 'OK I'll come home by 6.30 and ew can go f dinner' instead of his sulky response) you could have said 'if you come home at 6.30 we can go out for a lovely meal'

I completely understand why you are hurt and upset - but both of you seem to get involved in less than direct talk.

He has behaved really negligently over it all - your DB organising the party, etc etc.

Would counselling help? Otherwise you might well soend the next 40 years feeling resentful about this, as he fears. Though if he apologised, properley and sincerely he could perhaps prevent that...has that not occurred to him?

You know what i would have done? Got a sitter and got my mates together and had a fabulous girls night out for my birthday!!
I am on my 2nd marriage and will never again be in a situation where i have to sit around while he goes out. I have maintained my friendships and social life and it makes me more of a challenge ie. anyhing he can do i can do better and will do. We also still go out and have fun about once a month on our own or with friends.Life is for living and far too short for waiting for one persom to fulfill all your needs.
Cheer up and show him you are a gorgous independant woman.

BIL was being thoughtless to arrange his stag do on your birthday and I don't think that dh should have put the stag do above your birthday party either.

Blu, I think counselling might be the way to go, I don't want to feel hurt about this, I want to feel like it was a stupid thing that happened and is in the past.

Grace, thanks. I wanted to get responses to this even without the context to find out just how much my feelings about other things were clouding my reactions. It seems they are at least a bit (unsurprisingly I suppose).

I am guilty of over-romanticising this I think, and seeing a "perfect birthday" as the closing chapter of a bloody awful year.

ledkr, I will do that

cornsilk, thanks. It's interesting to see how differently people value events.

I totally get you.

My husband and I do things that we are not particularly fussed about because it means a lot to the other person. What marriage is part of to me.

Thanks Fab

I don't think you are being unreasonable. The only part where I think you were being a bit silly was where you left vague plans for him to get back because it was then a disaster waiting to happen. You should either have been specific or just accepted that it wasn't going to happen.

You need to decide if you want to escalate or accept this. If you love him and want to stay together then you probably need to put it behind you. I wouldn't arrange anything further for your birthday as it will just be tainted by what has happened.

moomaa, yes, with hindsight that was stupid. I can put it into the context of me having told him many times what I wanted previously and I wanted him to do some of the work (i.e. actually book it himself). Actually, with hindsight I should have just said, "That weekend is far too busy and I want a bit of time just about me! So let's make plans for dinner the following week instead", but I was so taken aback by the revelation that the everything we'd talked about (that he'd come up with) previously had come to nought, and I wasn't thinking straight at all.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

The whole thing was unfortunate but your birthday was celebrated.

I would have expected a card on the day though & to spend time together-especially as he was about to go away.

But you do seem to have done a lot (too much?) crying about it imo.

agree with skidoodly on this
and crying and begging is not the way forward imo
can't you have an adult chat with him clear the air and start afresh

I don't think my dh would have cancelled plans for my birthday to go on a stag do, but, on the other hand I wouldn't want him to miss out on a one off stag do if we could celebrate together another day.

I think the message in the card and the all round 'not bothered' attitude are signs of a deeper problem.

Oh gawd. I can SO see this happening to me and DH.

DH is lovely in so many ways, but when he wants to have a big night out with the boys, he has a nasty habit of pretending that he doesn't remember agreeing to be home by midnight/he hadn't realised I was trying to call him/he didn't realise we had agreed to have dinner that night/etc. Basically he tells me what I want to hear (eg "yes I'll come home") so that he doesn't have to argue about it with me, and then doesn't act on it. Much much more annoying.

It sounds like he knows very well that you wanted him to take you out to dinner (or something similar) some night around your birthday, that you expected the stag do only to be one night, and that you wanted him to come home for the Saturday evening. But he has taken advantage of the ambiguity in the words you used, to pretend he didn't realise all this - because he wanted to stay on the stag do.

It's not about whether he should have done more for your birthday. It's about whether he should have been up front in saying "Actually I want to go on the stag do". If he had said that, you would have been upset, but would probably have agreed to do birthday dinner another time.

(By the way, I don't really understand how he could go on the stag, if he was supposed to be away for work then?)

My only advice would be, when you have any future discussions along similar lines, be completely unambiguous about what you want. That way if he disagrees you will at least have the argument discussion at the start and there will be no room for being unexpectedly stood up.

Oh yes, forgot to say, my DH also has an almighty sulk (like your DH is doing) once he's behaved badly like this - i.e. agreed to one thing then done another - and I've got cross with him about it.

I take it as a sign he knows he is in the wrong and so is playing the "put upon husband" to try to deflect from that. So actually I wouldn't read too much into the b'day card message etc - he is just being childish.

Stoodup, to answer your question about how to get past this I think you have to have a very direct talk where you tell your DH how the whole non-birthday made you feel, without emotion. Don't think about making him feel better. Say exactly how you feel. This is the tip of the iceberg isn't it? You maybe resent him for the last year (goes further back?), he probably feels a bit crap about it all. Has his ego been dented? I do feel there is much more to this (on his part) and you are probably aware of it hence the lack of direct talk.

"I can put it into the context of me having told him many times what I wanted previously and I wanted him to do some of the work (i.e. actually book it himself)."

This is what I meant earlier about you setting up your birthday as a bit of a test for him.

If you are normally the type of person who tells people way in advance that your birthday is coming up then perhaps your behaviour around all of this is confusing him?

If he's used to you being straightforward, perhaps he is perplexed by this more princessy side to you.

It seems like the fallout from the betrayal of last year is still a factor in your relationship. How have you two dealt with that? Moving on from something like that is not easy.

It also sounds like you feel neglected by him. You're right, after what happened he really did owe you a birthday party. You didn't say why your brother ended up organising the party, but a more recent post seems to point to the fact that your DH wasn't up to the job. I can see why that must have been very hurtful when you had no birthday last year.

Thanks for all the replies. They've really helped me put it all into perspective.

I definitely feel that other things have clouded my reaction to it all.

Yes I have cried a lot about it. In front of him? That's totalled about 15 minutes.

I have no idea if that's a lot. I'm not normally a crier. It's a lot for me. I wanted to get across how strongly I felt about it, but I suppose without knowing me it just suggests I'm a bit of a whiner!

We had a long talk last night. He's not being cold with me anymore and we managed to actually communicate. I listened to him and he listened to me.

We've made an agreement about how clear we need to be with each other. He's going to avoid promising to surprise me, and I'm going to work with what I know is planned/booked/arranged/whatever. There will be no more ambiguity and we will both work on compromising.

Yes this is a part of a deeper problem. We've talked about going to Relate too. So hopefully we can both air our issues.

There's a lot of love here. I think I got what I needed from all these answers (even/especially the ones I didn't want to hear! )

I am so so glad for you stoodup
it sounds very positive!
all the best

Lets just say the guys actions speak louder than words. I love you means nothing if there are no actions to follow. Women, get rid of the men who dont follow up with concrete honest actions ,They are not worth the heart ache EVER!

I know this is a zombie thread but the OP is 50 next year. So wondering how that will go if they are still together