Stood up on my Birthday, how would you react?

[StoodUp]

I've namechanged because I want to see this event with a bit of perspective.

So, it was my birthay a couple of weeks ago. A big one. And it was a really big deal to me. I'd asked DH to arrange a party for me, but due to circumstances my brother ended up doing it. I was a little hurt that he didn't have a hand in any of it (I had never had a birthday party as an adult before) but the day itself was lovely. We had it a week earlier and DH was there in the background helping out with lifts and things.

I thought that he would do something lovely for my birthday instead. Earlier in the year he'd thrown around a few (lovely) ideas, so I had some pretty high hopes.

Now let's throw in the spanner.

A month earlier his DB had asked him to be his best man. Very unexpected, very last minute, with a "just do the speech, no other responsibilities" type thing.

Second Spanner.

Work won't let DH take my Birthday evening off work and he's going to be away from that night for a week. I say don't worry about it, we've got the night before. But I was a bit saddened by it (didn't tell him though as there was nothing that could be done).

First spanner rears its ugly, metal head when a week and a half before my birthday DBIL announces that weekend he is going to have his stag do. It's 3 hours away. I tell DH that if it's just on the evening of my B'day he should really go, it's important. But I'm very sad because I thought we'd go out for a meal. DH says it's either going to be that night or the night before. I tell him to let me know. He later tells me it's on the night before my birthday. I say he should go.

Three days before my birthday I ask when he's leaving for DBIL's and he says the next day. He then reveals that DBIL's stag do is going to be over 2 nights and a day. At which time I am devastated. I cry and cry and ask him why he didn't tell me. He mumbles that he thought he did. I ask him to come back for the Saturday night and take me out for dinner. He says he has a duty to DBIL. I beg him and eventually he asks me what time I want him back. I tell him that he's making arrangements and so he should decide and that he should call me to let me know.

At this point he also reveals that he hasn't organised anything for my Birthday day either.

He leaves saying he's off to organise things. We don't speak about it again. He leaves the next day for DBILs.

My Birthday-Eve came and went. He didn't call. He didn't come home.

Throw in DD (1) vomiting all night and you get a lovely picture of how much fun I had.

I finally get through to him at 1am and he says he's just left the stag do (early) and is on his way home, should be with me sometime after 3 in the morning.

I tell him not to come. I tell him that I thought he was coming back. He says he was never going to.

I tell him I don't want to see him.

I spend the whole of my birthday in tears. He turns up at 3pm to get his work things, says he's sorry but he had a duty (all very coldly) I cry and ask him what about his duty to me, he leaves. I send him an email that night saying that tomorrow is another day and we can always fix things.

I don't see him for a week. He sends cold, "I'm doing this and having a great time" emails. Doesn't call (not even to talk to the DCs). I cry all week, but don't call him.

So. Was I wrong to ask him to stay? Was I wrong to be so upset? Am I wrong?

Be gentle, I'm still a bit fragile, but I need to know. Am I wrong?
Oh God, didn't mean it to be that long. Thanks for reading this far if you have!

skidoodly, so how would you interpret, "Right, I'm off to make plans"?

And if he was so sure that he wasn't returning why didn't he call me to let me know when he was coming back?

I expected to spend some time alone with my husband on my Birthday.

All the best?!

I think you need to think very carefully how to proceed now.

And you know when it is birthday you must do nothing for him too.

for you

I'd known about the stag do a week and a half. I'd been told it was one night, and had that been the case then I would have insisted he go.

I believe I was misled. Had the stag do been planned months in advance (rather than just over a week) that would have been different too. I would have been able to arrange something else.

Thanks Fab

But skidoodly, I do appreciate your point of view. I do. I've gone over and over it.

It's quite possible that I was unfair asking him to stay. But it was how I felt. I was genuinely that upset (and I'm not a neurotic type normally). This was a big deal to me.

He was under no misapprehensions about how hurt I would be. He knew full well what I wanted. And he said he would come back.

I'd be tempted to go away with some friends or family for a belated birthday party next time he is home for a weekend. Show him that if he can't be arsed, you are perfectly capable of going out and having fun without him.

And if he grumbles, say it's your way of getting it out of your system. And make sure you have a really good time. And don't call him! See how he likes it.

I don't think it's so much what happened (although I feel very sorry for you as you really had high hopes) but how your DH has behaved since your non-birthday esp the 'all the best' card. Does he has a problem with confrontation?

SE, I take your point.

I was certainly asking for the most I have ever had for a Birthday. As I said before I have never had a party, and it was lovely.

It may sound like I lead a "World revolves around me" life, but that is very far from the truth.

When I compare this to last year's birthday I got a hell of a lot more this year.

I just wanted to spend an evening alone with my husband for my Birthday. It might be precious, it might be selfish, but it's what I wanted.

I also wanted honest responses, so thank you.

"I expected to spend some time alone with my husband on my Birthday."

Why?

Sorry, I really don't get why you made such a song and dance about this.

You had your birthday party. Why wasn't that enough for you?

I can see that if you guys weren't doing anything else that you might go out for a bite the night before he went away but something more important came up.

Why do you think you were misled? It sounds more like your DH didn't know initially exactly what night or nights it was on. I agree it was crap of him not to have made it clear he was going to be away for two nights rather than one, but I find your reaction to that news totally over the top.

"skidoodly, so how would you interpret, "Right, I'm off to make plans"?"

I'm not sure, it's pretty wide open to interpretation. In the context of histrionics about a clashing birthday I would probably interpret it as a way of exiting the conversation without committing to anything.

Do you really think you're being unbelievably reasonable?

I know everyone else thinks you are hard done by, but to me you all sound absolutely crackers. There is no way I'd be weeping and begging DH to miss his brother's stag do to celebrate my birthday when I'd already had a big party.

Why does he think you'll never get over it if you're being so reasonable about it?

castles, yes he does. Any ideas for getting past this?

skidoodly, I think you're leaping to an awful lot of conclusions here. I really don't want to give anymore background. I wanted to know as an isolated incident could this be a case of me overreacting. That was what I wanted to know. And the answer is yes in some people's eyes and no in others.

I don't quite understand the attitude that if someone tells you something means a lot to them, but it wouldn't mean much to you, that should be enough to make it not mean a lot to them either. It's rather odd.

Thank you for all the replies.

I know I am going to get flamed for this but i really don't see why Stoodup shouldn't have expected a bit more on her 40th! It's a big birthday and I don't think it is out of the question to expect a little bit of attention and care being thrown at you by your husband. Yes, she had a present and card, and yes, she had a party but I do understand wanting to spend a bit of special time with the person that you love the most. Its a one off, not every year by the sounds of it and lets face it, as women we have very little selfish moments where we can indulge and revel in the moment. Stood up simply wanted to know that he really cared, had listened to her wants and needs and he didn't do that, and worse, sent her a card saying 'all the best'.

Skidoodly & co: I'm cross with OP's DH because she had requested an extra-big celebration, for this year alone, six months in advance. She sensibly moved the date to allow for work thing. She discovered that, despite request, DH hadn't made any plans. The stag do was planned at short notice (as far as OP knows) but she didn't say "Don't Go", she requestd a compromise. Apart from her snitty response about what time he should come back, it strikes me that she's been extremely flexible & tolerant over all this. Instead of appreciation for that, she gets distance and formality - plus, he stayed away the following weekend as well.

If that all seems normal to you, I think your own expectations are way too low.

SE, I appreciate your view, but I disagree. I have apologised to him for being so emotional when he told me it was a whole weekend do. I have explained why I was so hurt (all calmly and without judgement).

Last year I got nothing and had no celebration at all. Because I found out a few weeks before that DH had taken out an enormous loan to cover the debts he had accrued that I knew nothing about. So I cancelled my Birthday (no presents, homemade cards) and we tightened our belts.

Of course we don't always get what we want for our Birthdays. I didn't want to find out we might lose everything.

But I worked hard to get us back into a stable financial position and I asked for that to be recognised this year.

I'm giving more information than I want to. But I want to make it clear that I am no Princess with her head in the clouds.

"I don't quite understand the attitude that if someone tells you something means a lot to them, but it wouldn't mean much to you, that should be enough to make it not mean a lot to them either. It's rather odd."

Are you talking about me here, or your DH?

Because you seem to be setting a lot of store by how much this all meant to you and how, because of that, it should automatically have meant you got your own way.

Your BIL's stag do meant a lot to your DH. And he told you that, but you didn't care.

I know you're pissed off with me making assumptions (although I'm just going on what you've written) but it sounds like you had set this birthday up as some kind of test of him/his devotion to you/your continuing passion for one another, and he failed it without knowing.

If you guys are otherwise happy together I think you are being really silly about this.

As for how to get past it, I agree with Screamin about an apology, but you're not sorry so that's out.

sorry StoodUp x-posted again.

"But I worked hard to get us back into a stable financial position and I asked for that to be recognised this year."

Right, so this was about more than just a birthday.

That's a pretty big thing to forgive, finding out about secret debts.

Have you felt that he took your hard work and forgiveness for granted?

Have you told him that you wanted a big effort from him to recognise what you've been through? Or is talking about it verboten now?

Also if he has form on keeping important stuff from you, then I can quite see why you think you were misled about the stag do.

skidoodly I have said that I had already changed my plans to fit with his work, and was willing to compromise my plans for the stag do too. Had he said "Look this stagdo has to come first but lets do something next weekend for you" rather than agreeing to something he never had any intention of doing and letting me wait for him, this wouldn't be an issue.

I probably haven't made it clear enough; he said he was coming back to take me out. He did not come back and he did not call.

I can't understand how that is acceptable ever.

I can see that my asking him to stay could be called into question. But I cannot see how you can justify his simply not coming home.

You seem to be saying that he had said that he was not going to. So I'm going to tell you now that he said he was going to come back and take me out.

Of course I cared about the stag do. But I'm sorry it was short notice and DH had plans.

x-posted here too.

Yes it was about more. Yes he knew how much it meant to me. Yes he has taken it all for granted. Yes he keeps things from me.

Yes I'm asking about an isolated incident in a long line of isolated incidents.

I didn't want to do an AIBU by stealth. I just wanted to know if I could get past this too

I'm sort of seeing both sides here and am just wondering if his whole attitude stems from the whole original financial issues ? Is he embarrassed/pissed off/annoyed that you had to do most of the bailing out ? Did you make it a big issue ? (did you make him feel guilty etc? ) Perhaps the asking him to then arrange a birthday party might have peed him off - he gets hassle for running up debts and you want to spend money on something that he sees as frivolous ?

I'm sort of grasping at straws because I know how disapointing it can be when you are abig birthday person and someone else isn't!

Am I understanding correctly that birthday was celebrated (satisfactorily?), just not on the actual day?

Sassy, he's a big birthday person too. Funnily enough I found out about the debts just after I'd finished arranging and throwing him a big Birthday do. I didn't make it a big issue, I made us working to sort it a big achievement.

He likes arranging things like that normally. But didn't do anything this time. It wasn't an expensive party, just family really, but very nice. I think the pressure got too much and he just froze and did nothing. There's been a lot of external issues going on too.

I'm sympathetic to his situation, I really am. I know he was stuck in the middle.

I know there's two sides to this. I know I don't come out of it as the perfect wife.

diddl, it was, but not with him (and I can't explain that without giving out too much info), and I wanted something with just the two of us.