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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Loving gone wrong with DH - anyone have advice?

26 replies

FairhairedandFrustrated · 21/04/2010 12:25

I think I need a little bit of advice before my marriage is in serious trouble.

I am a regular poster, but have namechanged as I know some MNers in RL & they know my name on here.

Background: Dh & I been together for 12 years, have two dc, 9 & 6.

We've usually enjoyed an active sex life, OK maybe not swinging from the ceilings, but fulfilling and enjoyable & w were both happy. Maybe one week it would be four days in a row, and then none for a week, but it was never a problem, especially when dh worked shifts etc we wouldn't see each other as much.

But for some reason something has changed, for about the last month I hate dh touching me

It's as if he's a fumbling teenager again & he is either too rough with me (when touching) or just seemingly doesn't give a f^ck! I have stopped us in the middle a few times as it's just so mindnumbingly boring.... and then he huffs like a child.

We usually communicate very well, and we usually have a laugh even during sex, but I'm so so frustrated... and I'm sure he is too.

Take last night, I was in bed early (this pisses me off, I said to him after 10pm, "I'm off to shower and bed, you coming up?" He said he was, but I had showered, got into bed, read a chapter of book & he was still glued to some programme on telly. He came to the room, showered, turned on the TV, watched something then tried it on with me! Me, feeling sorry for him as we haven't had sex in a while, let him....but then it got to the stage where it was sore (he was just touching, but I hated it) and I felt numb with the way he was going so I lifted his arm, wrapped it round me & went to sleep... he didn't even ask why

What's happening? Anyone got any advice, barr me sitting him down & sayin, "You have made love to me brilliantly for 16 years, WHY is it shit now?"

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 21/04/2010 12:36

My first thought, since it's so sudden, is that it's hormonal. Could you be pregnant, or perimenopausal?

Or, if you're sure that it's not your reaction that's changed but his attitude, you really do need to talk.

Pour each of you a large glass of wine, say something like It seems like we've lost our groove a bit recently, is there something on your mind?

My experience is that - and we're usually very consistent too - if my husband is stressed about something, and finds his libido going down a bit, he still feels obliged to put out, as it were, so he goes through the motions but I can always tell. It's happened about three times in our 11 years and every time he's been so relieved when I've brought it up. Because it's hard for him to say 'hey, you may have noticed I'm not feeling it recently'.

Good luck.

Original poster

FairhairedandFrustrated · 21/04/2010 12:58

I'm 33 so doubtful if it perimenopausal...?

I'm definitely not pregnant.

It just seems I can't stand him touching me.

And yes, it's me, not him He is in the mood for sex a lot of the time, but either I am tired or he comes to bed too late, or it's just boring and I put an end to it.

A couple of weeks ago we sneaked to bed when the kids were out with their grandad - after 20 minutes I tuned out & told him I heard the kids.. I hadn't. The same night he suggested we take up where we left off earlier - again I hated the way he was mauling 'one' breast like a teenager & as if he hadn't a clue what he was doing..

See, I think if I try to talk to him my resentment might come out - it's not as if I've had sex with many men, but I just want it to be good with dh, without me feeling like slapping his face...my God, even his breathing during sex gets on my nerves...

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 21/04/2010 12:59

But it's really nothing else? No big arguments, simmering resentments, etc?

Have you recently started or changed medication? The pill kills my libido flat, eg.

LoveBeingAMummy · 21/04/2010 13:05

Is there anything else going on that could be stressing you out, money, work, kids?

Has dh done something recently that has made you look at him differently?

Is there someone you have seen that has set your pulse racing? (not suggesting you have done anything you shouldn;t have, just asking if you have had the f'ck me now feeling with anyone else)

Original poster

FairhairedandFrustrated · 21/04/2010 13:22

He was worried about money a few weeks ago, but once we sorted some stuff out we've been fine.

I recently went part time with work so it's not that.. kids are school age so they're not up half the night or anything.

Really, I think I want attention outside the bedroom... like a cuddle or even him sat beside me on the sofa - on Saturday evenin when we were watching a movie, he sat on the other setee, when I went & got a coffee & sat beside him, he said I was too warm & moved seats!! Then he expected me to be all over him when he decided to come to bed later on!

I know it's coming in dribs & drabs... he never makes any decision, always me. His asnwer is usually "I don't mind, whatever, what do you want" etc... My sister offered to mind our kids for a weekend over my birthday in January as a surprise for me, he didn't book anything.. she again said she'd keep them in MArch instead for our wedding anniversary - again I said will I book it? He said no, he would... we never went anywhere. Even on the day of our anniversary, I had to tell him I wanted to go out with him...

I just seem angry at him all the time, and it couldn't all be his fault.

OP posts:

Original poster

FairhairedandFrustrated · 21/04/2010 13:23

LBAM, no, I don't fancy anyone else, I love my husband, he's the only man I've ever been able to talk to & be myself with, apart from now - when it really matters

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 21/04/2010 13:25

hmmm watching with interest!

Malificence · 21/04/2010 13:32

It's your resentment of him acting out in a physical way imho.

Original poster

FairhairedandFrustrated · 21/04/2010 13:40

Yes, it could be.

He's lovely, he's a great father, I still fancy him & I still want him, but when it boils down to it, I'd rather have his arms wrapped around me... well, for the time being anyway.

I have lost a lot of weight recently & I think I may have expected some nice comments from him - but they never came. He also lost a lot of weight, he runs now, does more physical work about home, and I tell him all the time he's lovely, tell him he's handsome etc....

When we went out on Friday evening past (just cinema but was nice) I met a man I used to work with, he didn't recognise me at first then he told me I looked great - dh had his arm round me at the time, then took it away once the man had left.

Sometimes I feel like we're great friends who could just happily have a shag the odd time... Dh says he's keen, then I want him to want me...then half way through I have a mental block & don't want him touching me at all.....

It's not fair on him really, when I read this back I can see that!!

OP posts:

defineme · 21/04/2010 13:44

The sex is just a symptom of how pissed you are withh him.

This is really normal. Your life has got a little bit easier after babyhood stress. You have gone back to work so you're discovering that you are still a bit of the same woman you were pre kids. Me and my friends all have 5 year olds and have all been affected in different ways-from depression to raging libidos! Some of their marriages have been under serious pressure and dhs not making enough effort is mentioned time and time again. The not sitting next to each other scenario is also familiar.

Your dh isn't up to speed with the 'new you' and is just carrying on like always.

He's still the same man you married and it's sounds like you have a good foundation there.

All I can suggest is that you talk using none accusatory llanguage eg'When this happens it makes me feel..' rather than 'You are a thoughtless arse...'

He needs to know what's going on in your head.

sincitylover · 21/04/2010 13:53

I think it's connected with your weight loss - someone with more insight will be along to analyse better later - maybe in your mind you have lost weight therefore you feel entitled to more attention but he isn't giving it whereas before when more weight you felt grateful so accepted the status quo.

Just a possibility.

thesunshinesbrightly · 21/04/2010 14:22

Think you just want to feel wanted by him, he isnt giving it to you, so you have withdrawn sex, i think it will carry on till he changes.

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 21/04/2010 14:29

You have to sit down and talk about this. He won't know that you're full of resentment unless you tell him. Tell him that you need affection etc and generally clear the air. You'll feel much better, honestly.

LoveBeingAMummy · 21/04/2010 15:20

Was only asking to see if the feelings are there rather than suggesting anything honest

What has changed then to make him not have the attention/contact outside of the bedroom? You are right most woman can't switch it on in the bedroom they need the build up.

dignified · 21/04/2010 20:29

Op states sex isnt as good as it once was as her h mauls her breasts, fumbles like a teenager, touches her until shes sore and sulks like a child. Shes then asked if shes on medication, pregnant, hormonal, whether shes stressed with kids work ect. In other words the fault must lie with her , not with her partner whos mauling and sulking.

Who does like having there breasts mauled or being touched until there sore ? Id be pissed off too .

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 22/04/2010 04:51

Yes, but dignified she also said that the sex has been great for the last 15 years until now.

The reason I asked all of those things is because there's only two options here: his technique has completely and utterly changed, or her perception has completely and utterly changed. And I think the latter is more likely. Especially since she also says that, eg., "even his breathing during sex gets on my nerves". I very much doubt his breathing has changed.

Original poster

FairhairedandFrustrated · 22/04/2010 19:59

PMSL @ "I very much doubt his breathing has changed"

Anyway, I took all your advice & took the bull by the horns last night.

I stuck a bottle or two of wine in the fridge & had started it before he got in from work! We had a lovely dinner & I said I felt like a teenager drinking through the week... then told him we had to have a bit of a chat about the 'bedroom thing'.

I swear, he lookd relieved. He asked me if I had been having an affair..... seriously. I told him no, that I love him but that something had changed for me and I didn't know what. I was honest with him re: touching etc and he said he had been aware of it but that it was like walking on eggshells as he didn't know if touching was wrong or if he didn't make a move would I feel unwanted.

I think for the first time in ages we really talked - about everything. Sex, love, getting away for more time for us, maybe some more compliments etc. We both said we'd try.

We talked from about 7pm until near 1am - one bottle of rose wine & 3 vodkas (me) and 6 tins of Carlsberg & 3 Southern Comfort (him) later, I think we both felt like a weight had been lifted.

I think whoever said I felt resentment was right, but once I had explained it all to him, he sort of understood... I said I felt cheated that I had lost weight for both of us (and my health) and that he never once said anything nice... you know what he said? He said he fancied me 9 months pregnant, 3/4 months pregnant & puking, he fancied me when I was 3 stone heavier and when I was at my lightest, that my size never had anything to do with his love & he really couldn't see where he had went wrong - but when it was spelled out to him, he was actually embarrassed.

Thanks girls, I know if I hadn't have posted yesterday there's no way I would have had the courage to speak to him.

OP posts:

Malificence · 22/04/2010 20:23

That's so nice to read Fair
with a bit of effort on both sides, you can get a good sex life back.
The little niggles bubble under the surface for years sometimes and until you put two and two together, you never twig what the real problem is - lack of communication.

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 22/04/2010 22:39

FairhairedandFrustrated Thu 22-Apr-10 19:59:37

This is my fave post on MN so far

chocdrop · 22/04/2010 23:07

I agree with Victoria, and I'm impressed Fair.

marytontie · 23/04/2010 01:05

Fair, you sound lovely ! and so does your dh

It is refreshing that you sought advice after ONE MONTH of things not being great. Most people wait years.!

GOod luck

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/04/2010 01:10

"He said he fancied me 9 months pregnant, 3/4 months pregnant & puking, he fancied me when I was 3 stone heavier and when I was at my lightest, that my size never had anything to do with his love & he really couldn't see where he had went wrong - but when it was spelled out to him, he was actually embarrassed."

I think I might fancy your husband a little bit now too, FairHaired.

Glad you had a talk. That's great news.

There · 23/04/2010 02:08

I am so happy for you - though I don't even know you... Good for you guys. You had the courage to do what I've been putting off for 10 years... maybe I should give it a go.

colnelcustard · 23/04/2010 08:33

I am impressed you managed to drink so much and keep it down!

Original poster

FairhairedandFrustrated · 24/04/2010 12:44

Aww, your messages are lovely.

I'm so glad we talked, it's all been so much 'easier' if you know what I mean. It doesn't feel like I am holding my breath anymore??

There - yes, take the advice of these lovely ladies & go & talk - if I hadn't have had the day off work on Wednesday & been here on my own, I wouldn't have sked for, and taken the advice offered on here.

OP posts:

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