I keep having episodes of finding dh unattractive...is it me or him?

[22years]

Short history-

We have been together for 22 years just about. He is the only man I have ever had sex with. Throughout our history, he has always loved me so much, found me attractive, fancied me etc etc, no matter what.

I on the other hand, keep having these phases of finding him unattractive, physically and in other ways (but mainly physically).

I doubt our relationship at these times, doubt why I am with him, doubt why he is with me, wonder if we should even be together (we have 3 kids).

Our sex life dwindles to nothing, sometimes for weeks. I still find other men attractive and have a sexual drive, just not for him.

Usually these phases pass...I sort of 'make myself' have sex and then we re- bond.

But last night I thought OK lets go for it and I just couldn't. The thought of him made me clam up completely, poor guy he tried to keep me interested but I just couldn't get in the right frame of mind.

I sometimes wonder if we have only continued having sex over the years because I needed sex rather than wanting sex with him.

Feel so jumbled in my head,feel sad for him, not even sure what my question is really...just wanted to see what others thought or could advise.

Are these feelings linked to other events in your life? How you feel about him outside the bedroom at that point, iyswim?

Well I'm equally happy if he's here, or not here..I guess I'm indifferent in away which is a scary thing to say. Indifference is worse than loathing someone, isn't it? he keeps saying 'Are you ok?' but I don't feel I can tell him the news that essentially I do not fancy him

But I do feel sometimes my life is so full of other things, eg work, kids, the house, etc or whatever Ive got on my plate at that time that I dont have 'room' in my life for him

Maybe you should. How can you work on fixing a problem if you don't lay it out in the open?

How horrible is that to hear though' I dont find you attractive?'

A while back I did say as much...he went to the orthodentist to see about getting braces on his teeth. Which as a gesture is both really sad and really massive

Well yes, putting it like that would be horrible. But there are ways to get that across without saying "you make my skin crawl"

Talk about getting the spark back, ask him how he feels things are, talk about the old days between you, say how you'd like to bring the romance back...

I've just reallised my thread title is a misnomer actually..as it really isn't him.

He's doing nothing wrong, he's trying to do the right thing when he isnt sure what to do at all

but i'm not sure if I could/do want to bring the romance back..I really don't know what I want

I want to fancy my husband

Nothing wrong with a spot of ortho 22

ok. did you fancy him when you first met him? when you first married?

See, the ortho thing...if I was being very shallow I would say yes he could do with having his teeth seen to.

But how bad does that sound? I've been with him 22 years, I cant suddenly say actually I've always hated your teeth (and nose) could you sort them out so I fancy you again?

Imagine if someone said that to you, you'd kick them into touch straight away

I have gone though periods of fancying him, but he is such a Good man, great with the kids, kind, steady, reliable. I feel like a total bitch

But I was not physically atracted to him at first, he grew on me and won me over with his kindness and he was a bit older than me so had a certain cache. We have had times of being very very loved up.

I sound like I am contradicting myself dont I?

doesn't sound bad at all re teeth
maybe he will feel better for some treatment too
used to work for an orthodontist and had lots of adult patients, who benefitted immensely in confidence, not all train tracks these days either!
I know this isn't the main issue, but you shouldn't feel guilty for thinking about it
ultimately it is up to him of course, but sounds like he's up for it
some ortho changes profile much for the better so nose might benefit too
seriously

ninah you make it sound so easy

but he's my husband, we are supposed to love our husbands unconditionally aren't we?

i can kind of see where you are coming from
dp is kind lovely person but I wish he would lose weight and grow some hair
having said that my ex was good looking but a right b and I know which I'd rather have

no such thing as unconditional love for adults imo

x-posted and strike out didn't work
I don't see what is wrong with wanting someone to be the best they can
whether that is healthiest, most confident, happiest, most fulfilled etc
is your dh worried about his teeth? i bet he is

I know you see, when I have daydreamed about being with someone else it doesnt take long for the image of them cutting their toenails in bed to become a reality

dh cannot be faulted in so many ways...I think part of how I feel is due my busy life and 'we' have fallen by the wayside a bit.

but also 'that' bit of my life needs to be stronger if it's to stay around ,iyswim, and I need to fancy him for that to happen..right?

like its a chicken and egg situation

dh has grown up with his teeth..his Dad wouldnt agree to him having a brace, preferring to think of his children as perfect, when they clearly weren't. (he stilll cant understand why our dd has a brace)

Any child with teeth as bad as my dh's would get NHS braces ina trice. But he's kind of accepted himself with them. yes he would probably change them if he won the lottery!

I wouldn't have that toenail stuff either
urgh

It sounds to me that you never truly 'fancied' him, never had that lust, iyswim. Rather that you saw a good man, who had the qualities to make a good, reliable, solid husband and father. I'm probably the wrong person to try to talk with you about this, because I think that's actually a sensible choice. Lust will only get you laid. It won't enable you to build a life.

look at Invisalign
non brace system, bit cheaper too
I'll hope someone else comes along soon to give you somewhat deeper advice!

twopence you are right, I have sen those qualities in him and we have stayed together becasue of those.

How do I get a physical attraction for someone I'm not physically attracted to?

I am mindful of how shallow I am sounding an d 22 years down the line its probably too late to be moaning about it.

But as these 'episodes' of going off him seem to be occurring reasonably frequently I'm still stuck as to what to do

But also twopence a part of me thinks have I wasted my life, and his, by not being attracted to him?

Then don't you think you should talk to him? If that's truly how you feel, don't you owe it to you AND to him to be honest? You know how you feel so you're making a choice, but he hasn't got a clue so you are denying him the opportunity to make a choice.