I keep having episodes of finding dh unattractive...is it me or him?

[22years]

Short history-

We have been together for 22 years just about. He is the only man I have ever had sex with. Throughout our history, he has always loved me so much, found me attractive, fancied me etc etc, no matter what.

I on the other hand, keep having these phases of finding him unattractive, physically and in other ways (but mainly physically).

I doubt our relationship at these times, doubt why I am with him, doubt why he is with me, wonder if we should even be together (we have 3 kids).

Our sex life dwindles to nothing, sometimes for weeks. I still find other men attractive and have a sexual drive, just not for him.

Usually these phases pass...I sort of 'make myself' have sex and then we re- bond.

But last night I thought OK lets go for it and I just couldn't. The thought of him made me clam up completely, poor guy he tried to keep me interested but I just couldn't get in the right frame of mind.

I sometimes wonder if we have only continued having sex over the years because I needed sex rather than wanting sex with him.

Feel so jumbled in my head,feel sad for him, not even sure what my question is really...just wanted to see what others thought or could advise.

Think of him sleeping with someone else? Think og him telling you he doesnt want sex with you? Think of him telling you he is leaving you?

Sounds strange I know, but in a weirdly reverse phycology (sorry have never been able to spell that word)way it may enlighten something inside you?

yes you are right of course

Horrible conversation to have though

loopy I can see where you are coming from but those things are impossible to imagine for me as dh would never sleep with someone else or say he didnt want to sleep with mee...thats the hard part, he loves me so much and wants to be with only me and so I feel even more of a cow for thinking this way.

Feel for you. I realised a while ago that my dh was starting to look like his mum. She's quite mascucline looking. Couldn't fancy him the same after that.

We're actually divorcing soon, not coz of that (he's got another woman),but now he's grown a beard and looks lovely....but unfortuantely he now looks a bit like my day anyway!!

The indifference thing is a bit worrying as I had so much on as well and felt like that too and I know it's not a nice realisation and is very difficult to overcome.

SK

Sorry, "dad" not "day"

SK

how old are you ?

are you sure these episodes are not hormonal and you are actually peri-menopausal

as I get older, I find my peaks and troughs of "interest" in tupping my DH get much more noticeable

thankfully though, at the moment, it is working both ways, so I get very much more "interested" than I used to at certain times of the month and less so at others [bluch]

22, your posts are making me come over all Tweedy Aunt! Yours is the sort of problem people only have when their lives are almost perfect. But none the less worrying for that, so sit yourself down here. Peppermint? Now, then.

You're married to a wonderful man; life is so good that you can spare the luxury of longing for perfection. Nothing wrong with a fantasy, for goodness sake, but you should be very wary of letting those thoughts run away with you. You're in grave danger of throwing away the very thing many married folk can only dream of. You wish he were more handsome - wish away! I can't count the number of times I imagined your uncle Arthur was Elliott Ness making love to me (oh, those burning eyes!)

Try to remember, my dear: once you start trying to change a person, you have shown that person you hold them in contempt. I'm sure you can guess what that will do to a good marriage. You're inexperienced about sex, so perhaps you haven't understood how little looks have really to do with it. Sex happens mostly in the mind, my dear.

Which is why God gave us an imagination, and why Woman invented the vibrator. Another mint before you go?

Elliott Ness, Auntie Grace?

My mum had a bit of a thing about Lorne Green. Years later I kind of saw what she meant.

Oh my God, AF... I know you've mentioned peri-menopause before but I think I'm going to have to look into it now.

twentytwo I think you should try to consider how you would feel if your DH was interested in someone else. I have a friend in a similar situation to your own but when she actually thought her DH was interested in someone else (which he wasn't) it completely turned her upside down. If you really do feel that it would mean nothing to you if he were to stray then I think you owe it to him to at least try to talk about your feelings.

I am the peri-menopause queen

Grace...that was a very good post, can I have mint please ?

Or even better, a Werther's Original

Thanks, AF You're right, Werther's are the best!

I just spat out a mouthful of wine when I read about SpiritualKnot's dh looking like his mother! Ha ha. Can you just imagine in the heat of passion looking up and seeing your mil?! Aaaaaaggggggghhhhh.

Fortunately the similarity was more in profile than head on!

SK

Graceagain, what a wise (and funny) post

AF, I really had not given the peri menopausal thing any thought

We DO have peaks and troughs (well I do emotionally at least) and we seem to be either all loved up physically and emotionally or I am pushing him at arms length. Would a visit to the GP help with that?

And belle Damme, no matter HOW hard I try, I cannot even begin to imagine him with someone else.

I peak and trough with my DH all the time, have phases when I dont want him near me, and then phases when I fancy him. It doesnt really trouble me any more, I have just learnt that my lust (and somtimes my love too) ebbs and flows. I actually suspect that it is like this for lots of people and am surprised no one else has said 'Me too! tbh!

I said "me too" !!

Love Graces post - and totally agree with its sentiment too - grass appearing greener etc.

Me toooooo.............

I could be you 22years. We've been together 20 years to kids 9 and 6.

I go through phases where he makes my skin crawl and everything about him gets on my nerves and then next min I love him to bits.

IMO and from what I've read I think most people in very stable marriages are like this. I think life with 2 small children can get very boring, the same old routine etc etc and sex just seems like another chore. The problem is we dont have the time to enjoy and explore each other like we used to we are either too knackerd or have not got the time!

Sound familiar. I agree with the Elliott Ness I think because I almost have it perfect I cannot see how good things are.

Not sure wot everyone else thinks?

Belated apologies to AF (and any others!)for missing your 'me too'! Oh the perils of posting when half dead asleep.

Hi ladies just wanted to pop back on to thank you for all your wise words and to let you know the phase has passed (again) and we are back on track, and its brilliant

thanks to everyone who bothered to reply to me

are you ovulating by any chance ?

No, that was a couple of weeks ago! We went out with friends on friday night, had a great laugh, lots to drink and.....

I think I just ned to remember that these phases are just what I do- and not be freaked out by them, or over analyse

I feel that this is not about teeth or toenails. but about how you have grown into different people over the years. The first part of your marriage may have been about raising children and now who knows what the next phase will be. PS this is my first post. Scary

aww, don't be scared mini

welcome to Mn x

Thanks - I obviously didn't follow the thread with focus but meant well.