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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to leave my husband

35 replies

whatname · 20/04/2010 12:27

Finally facing up to this.
There is one major obstacle. I don't work, and if I left I would have baliffs at the door within a month. I am sure he would cut off all money. We owe a large sum of money, mainly on credit cards which is in my name.
I know he will have to pay some money for DS eventually,and he earns alot, but in the short term, that is not going to help.
At the moment I am looking for a job, but it's not going to happen immediately. And whilst that would be enough to pay the bills, it wouldn't be enough to set up another home.
Also if I left, I have nowhere to go but home to parents, which is 250 miles away, and then I wouldn't be able to do the highly paid job I could do in London.And access for DS would be a bit of a nightmare.
The debt could be paid off, if we remortgaged or when we sold the house. Or with his bonus in December. But if I leave there is no guarantee he will give me any of his bonus to pay the debt.
The debt is the money we raised to buy our house.We lost our deposit and then had to quickly raise funds.
It's a real mess.
Any advice? I think I need to see a solicitor. Do they really give half an hour of free advice.
Also have no funds available right now for anything extra.

OP posts:

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 20/04/2010 12:32

DO you need to leave asap? If it were me I would try and wait until December if it was possible - will this bonus clear the debt? Otherwise, being married your DH would (I am prettty sure) be liable for the debt too, esp. if you can show it bought your house. Could you squirrel some money away - maybe into your parents account, between now and Dec. so you could maybe afford to rent near work? Are you planning to work when you leave, or is DS too young? CAB is free and may be able to help you with this

loopylou6 · 20/04/2010 12:32

You could go on IS whilst you sort yourself out? That way nobody can touch you, you can make your creditors an offer of £1 a week, and they cant refuse as you are on IS. You would also be entitled to CTC still, and obv CB

GypsyMoth · 20/04/2010 12:35

local council maybe operate the rent assistance scheme? they will help sort the deposit/advance rent to secure a place

mrsmharket · 20/04/2010 12:37

i would be inclined to visit the cab, tell them everything and they shouldbe able to help you with as much aspossible

Original poster

whatname · 20/04/2010 12:39

Don't need to leave asap, but it is quite unbearable, just not sure I can put up with him for another 6 months. Sounds selfish I know, but he has completely lost all sense of perspective, everything is my fault.And I think he has been unfaithful.
If I get a job, I could squirrel some away.DS is 2 1/2 and has a nursery place if I get high paid job, if I stay here. If I leave, family would provide childcare but have no job lined up and would be less money

I don't know what IS is? I don't think I am entitled to CTC, he earns a lot.

OP posts:

StepSideways · 20/04/2010 12:39

Agree with ASecretLemonadeDrinker, also, is it necessarily the case that DS would go with you anyway? If not it might be a bit easier, and your H would be picking up the tab for nursery fee's etc anyway..

loopylou6 · 20/04/2010 12:41

IS is income support, and you would be enttiled to CTC because you would be in sole charge of the children (as in they would be living with u) so his earnings dont matter

GypsyMoth · 20/04/2010 12:41

income support

ctc will be based on you if you leave,not your husbands earnings

loopylou6 · 20/04/2010 12:41

child sorry

Original poster

whatname · 20/04/2010 12:43

Not going anywhere without DS. Husband works 16 hour days, and anyway, has probably changed a dozen nappies ever in his life. No really hands on!!

OP posts:

Original poster

whatname · 20/04/2010 12:47

but if i went to the benefits people, and said I left my husband I need benefits, would they give them to me? would they not see it as irresponsible?
Does sound a bit more doable, if I could put a hold on the debt.

OP posts:

loopylou6 · 20/04/2010 12:49

They are not there to judge you, and yes they would support you. That would deffo be the route I would be taking, gives you time to sort yourself out.

loopylou6 · 20/04/2010 12:50

And whilst you are on benefits, you would also not have to pay any rent or council tax

thegirlonadolphin · 20/04/2010 13:19

OP they see many people like you every single day. You will not be judged. It takes a while but it is actually pretty straightforward.

I left my ex, sorted out my benefits and now live a better life financially in that I have total control over the finances and don't have to watch him drinking away anything that comes into the house. I am not "well off" but I manage and actually have money left over for nice things as well, by this I mean trips and being able to run a car but before I am judged I do have a disabled child and his DLA is what makes this possible, however even before this came along life was bearable.

In your position I would probably try to wait it out until December and get him to pay off the the credit card debt, if you really, really can't wait then phone up the people you are in debt to and offer a minimal payment until you are more able, I believe that CAB can help you with this and writing letters on your behalf etc.

It seems hard but it is more time consuming than difficult.

Original poster

whatname · 20/04/2010 14:47

thank you all
I think I might try and wait it out, but in the meantime, get everything in place, and know what I am entitled to.
Dolphin, it's good to hear a positive story.
I know I can be self-sufficient and provide a loving home for my DS, and I know we would be happier and better off.

Another issue is eventually I would want to go back to my hometown and husband would want to go to Australia. How on earth is that going to work with access?

OP posts:

henchwench · 14/10/2010 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

susiedaisy · 14/10/2010 14:12

Unless you are in real danger from staying i would start to sort things out and plan to leave when things are in place, financially, etc, visit CAB, and have a half hour free session with a solicitor, yes they really do do that, (i went to two b4 i made up my mind who to use) write down as many questions as you can for both appointments and start to gather info, it prob took several years for you to build up to this decision, so dont rush now and find yourself short changed at the end of it, (unless you need to leave for safety reasons), i am at the beginning of divorce proceedings with my husband , i made up my mind in April this year that our marriage was over but i have hung on putting on a brave face until now because he got a bonus at work in sept and we needed it to clear our debts, the advice i have been given so far from solicitor is if its your name on credit card you will end up paying the lions share of it, UNLESS you can categorically prove that the money was spent purely on him or that it was spent on joint family purchases such as a car or a bed or a family holiday etc, then you have a chance of getting half of it off of him.

Its not easy i am shitting myself to be honest about starting it all but i know it has to be done, (we have many issues), but i am glad i spent the time to get used to the idea and to build up information first, knowledge is power as they say!! Good luck and keep us updated

henchwench · 15/10/2010 07:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

susiedaisy · 15/10/2010 11:04

yeah i have to say i went to CAB because everyone suggested it but for me they were no help wotso ever, i found the free half hour session with solicitor MUCH more helpful and informative, but i would still go if you can it could be different for someone else.

domeafavour · 15/10/2010 18:44

this was my thread.. have namechanged since!
quite bizarre..as I have just thought about starting a whole new thread! henchwench, did you know ths was me??!!
anyway, not left yet, but finances are sorted,re-mortgaged the house. I was offered a very good job a month ago, but been held up for a while. Around the time I posted this, I found him out in a huge lie, and looking back on the dates, the very day after I posted this was the day he took some woman out for dinner. someone he met on a dating site.so i confronted him and he was seemingly horrified that he had put everything at risk. woke up to what he had to lose blah blah.
since then he has tried and tried and while he is trying, I find it hard to leave.
But it is a bigger problem than that, as he very stressed and anxious, so I feel I have to try and help with that. But there is a time limit to how much I can and should help him.
So recently I have come to realise that my life needs to change, this all ties in with DS going to nursery, me finding new job etc. But I have only just realised that I don't think he will ever make me happy, and I can't forgive the things he has done over the past couple of years. I can't remember why I married him, only that maybe I just settled.
I am happy thinking that DS and I will be ok together. Financially and emotionally. But I worry very much about DH's state of mind.

domeafavour · 15/10/2010 18:48

But sorry with regard to what you are asking!!!
CAB were very good and supportive over the phone, but I never got in to see them. Would have had to take DS and I wasn't happy with that. Spoke to a solicitor that was recommended here, but was extortionate money, so didn't go any further.

On good days, I think I will explain everything to DH and he will calmly accept that we have no future, and will me amenable and amicable
and then sometimes I imagine the worst and a huge custody battle, with H being a complete bastard, lying in court and DS having to live the other side of the world

domeafavour · 17/10/2010 10:43

anyone any advice?

gettingeasier · 17/10/2010 17:10

dome however your H does or doesnt react if you tell him you want to divorce will have to be faced sooner or later unless you stay with him until your ds is 18.

I didnt realise at the start of the thread that this was back in April, it sounds like you still want to leave all these months later.

If you are repeatedly worrying about a custody battle then maybe the solicitors fees would be worthwhile if it puts your mind at rest ?

You sound strong and as if you have given this careful thought so I am sure you can weather the divorce process. As to your H 's state of mind its hard but again are you going to stay forever on that basis and if not why wait ? Theres never a "right" time for something like this

phipps · 17/10/2010 17:12

How did you get a credit card without a job and why are the debts solely in your name?

domeafavour · 17/10/2010 21:06

sorry, thought this was a bit dead.
someone else revived the thread and I just responded, but things have come to a head over the last week or so, and I have come to the conclusion that I will be leaving

The finances are sorted now, but the debt was funds we raised to buy our house, a loan and credit cards in my name. the house purchase was a nightmare, took a year(long story) It was always a "joint debt" but I guess I was always worried that he wouldn't repay if I left.
I used to have a very well paid job before DS, and a very good credit rating and available credit.

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