I want to leave my husband

[whatname]

Finally facing up to this.
There is one major obstacle. I don't work, and if I left I would have baliffs at the door within a month. I am sure he would cut off all money. We owe a large sum of money, mainly on credit cards which is in my name.
I know he will have to pay some money for DS eventually,and he earns alot, but in the short term, that is not going to help.
At the moment I am looking for a job, but it's not going to happen immediately. And whilst that would be enough to pay the bills, it wouldn't be enough to set up another home.
Also if I left, I have nowhere to go but home to parents, which is 250 miles away, and then I wouldn't be able to do the highly paid job I could do in London.And access for DS would be a bit of a nightmare.
The debt could be paid off, if we remortgaged or when we sold the house. Or with his bonus in December. But if I leave there is no guarantee he will give me any of his bonus to pay the debt.
The debt is the money we raised to buy our house.We lost our deposit and then had to quickly raise funds.
It's a real mess.
Any advice? I think I need to see a solicitor. Do they really give half an hour of free advice.
Also have no funds available right now for anything extra.

hi dome

if the financial side is sorted, why are you still together ?

are you saying that you feel sorry for your DH ? Things were bad before, but now you have evidence of infidelity ? What exactly is it about your DH's state of mind you are feeling bad about ? What about your state of mind ?...you have been unhappy for a very long time...

you wouldn't be the first person to instigate divorce proceedings who was scared of the future

there is no way your DH could go back to Australia and force contact there, however...he would have to come back to this country to see his dc, they would not be forced to go there

you should do what is best for you love

hi
financials only just been sorted and i think I was waiting to start this new job, so would be in a much better position. also all sorts of things recently, his mum just been over for a month, lets just get past this hurdle and things will be better, etc,excuses probably! the financial situation and me getting a job was a huge relief, we both felt like we had won the lottery, but it affects him more because he feels the pressure being the main breadwinner in a job that he hates, and works all hours at.
I don't have evidence of actual infidelity, I do believe I caught him before any damage was done, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he signed himself up to a dating website, I even saw his profile on there!
I think I am just being a real scaredy cat about taking that final step.
And I am scared about his response, in a perfect world, he would admit that things aren't working and it would all be amicable.
But I don't think so, he has a big temper and can be very unreasonable, very unbalanced and has said hateful, threatening things before. I think he would lie his way through court if he wanted custody.
DS adores him, has been crying for him for the last couple of days(he is away atm)
That breaks my heart. I do have to think of what is best for him
And I know the argument about DS seeing his mother treated badly. But H is fine 95% of the time, the other 5% he is obsessed with work, distracted, unsupportive, insensitive, major issues with my lovely supportive family and basically does what he wants to do. And I have lost my life somewhere along the line.
I know this has all coincided with me being excited about going back to work, and finding a great balance with DS at nursery, but it's made me realise how I haven't been able to do anything I want to do, with the exception of bringing up DS.
He takes DS to an activity on Sat morning, but I have to get him ready, he can't even get him dressed. And the fuss he made when I wanted to play tennis on a Sat for 2 hours,even though I need to lose weight and go for a foot appt. And I asked him to try and be in for 7 so I could go to weightwatchers, he managed 3 weeks.But it's fine for him to sleep for 5 hours on a Sat afternoon.
Everything is a drama and a hassle to him and it is just wearing me down. I think I have put up with it for too long.

blimey, that's long sorry!!

it is long, yes

the dating website is evidence of infidelity, certainly in my book...it's all in the intent

so you "caught" him in time...how shit

and every word you write points to a fundamentally very selfish man

you are right, you are losing yourself

what will it take to start finding yourself again ?

will the new ob help ? Or will you just be doing more outside the house, whilst continuing to be a "non-person" at home ?

perhaps the job will help with your perspective, I certainly hope so

job

that's it, he is fundamentally very very selfish. There is no doubt he has been trying, but it's just too little, too late, and I can't forgive or forget what he has done and how much he hurt me and what he is capable of. All bloody cliches!
The new job should help, at least it's back to what I was before, not the half hearted attempt at being a housewife!!

I can see my independence, I can see DS and I being happy together, I want that life.in lots of ways he is better off without H in his life. H has about an hour's worth of patience with him.
I just need to be strong with this next step.
It's not that easy to do. Maybe one day soon I will wonder what all the fuss was about?!

Dome, many women who vacillate over taking that very scary final step look back and say "why the hell didn't I do it sooner ???"

and kick themselves for the wasted years

but those same women will admit how hard it is

you have my sympathy, but only you can decide what you need to do

I'm already kicking myself for the wasted years, I so wish I could turn back time.
Chances are DS will now be an only child which makes me sad

Domeafavour

I left my H six weeks ago after struggling to make the decision for a year. I was waiting for someone to give me permission or tell me it was the right thing to do or somehow show me a green light. I didn't realise but during that time I was putting things in place such as a separate bank account, gathering good friends to support me, and doing the groundwork on things like how much a flat or house would cost me to take on. I was told I would know when the time came to go. And I did.

There is no hurry to make the decision. You can stay with DH and keep trying to improve things and either it will work and you will feel more positive about your future together, or it won't and you will just know the time has come.

I worried about my H turning nasty and spent months saving up my tax for January (self employed) just in case. But he has been very generous and fair and we have kept our finances joint for the time being. Untangling them is the next challenge!

Dont panic, you have all the time you need to decide and when you do it will be the right decision!

we can never turn back time

but if you have so much regret for the wasted years, why would you hang on for more of the same ?

that is like throwing good money after bad