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Relationships

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Original poster

Disapproving partner

72 replies

gypsophilia · 19/04/2010 18:02

Are there any activities that you do that your partner disapproves of? Are there any that your partner does that you disapprove of?

What are the repercussions of this? And what activities are disapproved of?

Obviously there are some really bad ones, like disapproving of sleeping with the cute windowcleaner, but there are also some at the other end of the scale, like disapproving of you wearing a particular pair of jeans.

When is disapproval warranted, and at what point does it become controlling behaviour? Does going along with it make you a doormat, or does it make you a reasonable and understading partner?

I know this sounds like a research thing, but I am a name changer and just wondered what people's experiences of this are. My dp and I are having a psychological tussle over something that I do that he dispproves of and I won't let him stop me doing, on principle. He says he won't stop me, but he thinks less of me for it. Tbh we nearly broke up over it this weekend!

So I would be interested to hear other people's experiences of this.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 19/04/2010 18:04

What is he going on about? I can't think of any examples in my own life.

Lulumaam · 19/04/2010 18:10

Dh is not keen on me wearing crocs, or buying second hand stuff. but that's his problem ! if he made a concerted effort to stop me doing so, or other little things i like, such as my voluntary childbirth work, i would be exceptionally miffed

if the thing you are doing does not hurt you or your partner, waste money you don't have or break some law/moral code, then i don't see why he should stop you

it must be something bd for him to think less of you,or want to end the relationsiop OR he is a control freak you shold not be with

hard to say wihtout knowing what it is you are doing

Lulumaam · 19/04/2010 18:11

i suppose you also need ot look at whether your principles aer more important than your marriage, iwthouth knowing the thing, it is again, impossible to really say

IngridFletcher · 19/04/2010 18:17

I can't think of anything. DH huffs when I add salt to my chips and I think he drinks too much coke.

God that's dull.

Fel1x · 19/04/2010 18:23

It depends what his reason for disapproving of it is tbh.
If it is that you go out 3 times a week with your girl friends and he dispproves because he doesnt think its great for your family life then maybe fair enough
If its that you go to church and he isnt religious then he needs to respect your views more for example!!
You'll have to tell us what it is so we can judge properly!

Original poster

gypsophilia · 19/04/2010 18:25

It was me that nearly ended the relationship over it. I can't really say what it was - don't want to be possibly identified.

The thing itself is fairly minor but it led to a huge argument and made me seriously wonder if I wanted to carry on.

We did make up and everything is OK on the surface - we are all lovey dovey again but I keep running through it in my head. I will not be dictated to and told what I can and can;t do, but he thinks that I should stop doing it because "you know I hate it" and he sees it as me deliberately winding him up by continuing to do it.

"i suppose you also need ot look at whether your principles aer more important than your marriage"

This is the thing - is it worth sacrificing our future together over something minor, but if I give in to this, will it lead to further attempts to control me in the future? And if I don't give in, will it lead to further arguments. I'm damned either way - and he created this by having this silly disapproval of it!!

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 19/04/2010 18:29

"if I give in to this, will it lead to further attempts to control me in the future? And if I don't give in, will it lead to further arguments."

If you are wondering this is makes me wonder what the balance of power is in your relationship - have you been together long? It might just be a hiccup at the start.

Sorry ds on lap not able to type well

MrsMargate · 19/04/2010 18:32

tbh I think it depennds on what it is

Not good to be dictated to, but if it's drinking a bottle of wine a night, smoking, drugs, spending all weekend playing golf EVERY weekend....anything health related or that in deeply impacts family life - then I think it's worth a listen.

But if you go belly dancing once a week, or practice meditation in the mornings, or follow a football club, then he just has to lump it.

I supppose the question is, in what ways does your activity impact current and future family life?

Original poster

gypsophilia · 19/04/2010 18:39

"have you been together long"

About 18 months - we both tend to want to dominate but so far have rubbed along OK - it's such a minor thing to disapprove of - it's just so silly. There haven't been any other attempts at controlling me, although there are aspects of my past he is not happy with - but basically he has to lump that!!

"in what ways does your activity impact current and future family life? "

None at all.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 19/04/2010 18:46

why doesn't he like it?

MrsMargate · 19/04/2010 18:48

Oh - is it a mate you have, that he doesn't like? An exdp who is now a pal?

Lulumaam · 19/04/2010 18:56

based on what you have said, it sounds like he has the problem, but i don't see why you can't say what it is.

because it is such a subjective thing, that it could well be something i would say' no way!' and someone else would be fine about

the truth is, it is causing problems, serious enough for you to contemplate ending tings

maybe it is a sign to look at things as a whole, before you make any further commitment

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 19/04/2010 19:02

Hassled · 19/04/2010 19:03

I think in every successful partnership/marriage there's a huge amount of biting your tongue involved. I wouldn't persist in doing something my DH felt strongly against unless I felt very strongly in favour of it, and I felt that persisting with the activity was an important part of my life. But yes, who the activity impacts is relevant. Sticking to your guns is admirable, but not if it causes real unhappiness.

aSilverlining · 19/04/2010 19:04

I did things that my ex disapproved of, he would make it clear he hated me doing it/ or doing something a certain way, and also vocalised that he felt my continuing to do these things/ doing them in a way that was not how he liked it was me 'doing it to aggravate him because I knew he hated it'. Such disapprovals where what kind of knife I used to cut certain things, the way I put the washing up bowl in the sink, etc.

It was the thin end of the wedge, he was emotionally abusive and controlling and I put up with it for 9 years before I left.

A very early example of this less than 6 months into our relationship was that me and my female housemate squeezed the toothpaste tube in the middle. He 'disapproved' of this (not even his house!) and told us both about it and how he hated it etc etc. I shoudl have knwon.

BertieBotts · 19/04/2010 19:24

Silverlining, that is quite a good example actually, the toothpaste thing. My XP used to somehow get toothpaste all over the cap of the tube and it used to really really irritate me, but I didn't go on about it, I just started buying us separate tubes so we could both do our own thing.

So normal reaction to irritating but harmless behaviour is to avoid it, abnormal/controlling reaction is to go on and on and on about it in an attempt to "cure" the other person, because they think that they are inferior. Yes?

Lulumaam · 19/04/2010 19:26

there is a gulf of difference between a man being controlling about how his partner squeezes teh toothpaste, and say, trying to stop her spending 12 hours a day on MSN to an ex

there is such a huge range of what this 'thing' could be, and how the OP's partner should react, in an ideal world..

DuelingFanjo · 19/04/2010 19:29

Is it smoking?

My DH really hated it when I smoked and I really hated that he went on about it. He was right though.

It really depends so much on what it is.

UnquietDad · 19/04/2010 19:31

Is it farting?

UnquietDad · 19/04/2010 19:32

Dogging?

Star Trek cosplay?

Morris-dancing?

aSilverlining · 19/04/2010 20:00

Yes definately depends on what it is. I am assuming it is something harmless to the relationship that he has taken offence at for his own weirdy reasons. May be wrong though and OP is doing something completely unreasonable, who knows!

Yes Bertie, a loving noncontrolling partner would try to accept that the person they love does things differently, a controlling partner wouldn't. I started buying solid toubes/bottles of toothpaste, he just moved onto something else entirely innocent I did that he 'hated'.

We do know need to know to advise really OP.

ShadeofViolet · 19/04/2010 20:03

My DH huffs when I put three sugars in my tea, he also moans when I dye my hair as he doesnt like it brown, but I hate it red.

EricNorthmansmistress · 19/04/2010 20:38

DH 'disapproved' of me doing bellydance performances. In his culture (where he was living at the time) it's a pretty shameful thing to do, bellydancers are strippers, and being a stripper there is more 'shameful' than it is here. So he couldn't understand why I wanted to do it and found it quite embarrassing.

However he didn't dictate to me that I couldn't do it. I did a performance before I knew how he felt about it, and one after. I stopped because it was too much commitment with the rehearsals. I understood why he didn't like it but I knew at the same time he was wrong in his opinion. I would not let DH 'dictate' what I can and can't do, but at the same time I do take his feelings into consideration. That meant explaining to him why it was not a big deal and letting him see a video of the performance. If I had wanted to carry on doing it and he had continued to disapprove we might have had a problem...I'm quite stubborn.

Original poster

gypsophilia · 19/04/2010 22:40

Well, I can't reveal what it is, just in case he is reading - but it is something I can continue to do discreetly, I won't flaunt it, but at the same time I won't pretend that I'm not doing it.

So my principles are satisfied but I'm not rubbing his nose in it so I am being considerate of his feelings also.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/04/2010 22:43

what a bloody irrtating thread

spit it out, woman

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