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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel sick and don't know what to think

50 replies

reddaisy · 19/04/2010 10:08

I found searches on DP's computer for escorts where we live and when he was away working for a week in October last year I found searches for escorts, "no strings sex" among other things near where he was working.

When I confronted him he lied and said he hadn't ever searched for those things and then when he realised I could prove it, he said he had done it because he was "curious to see what was out there". He swore he never did anything and I went through his phone records for the periods in question and didn't find anything.

I feel like such a fool and that his excuse is the lamest excuse in the world.

Now I feel sick to my stomach. I made him sleep in the spare room last night and we aren't talking today.

WWYD? And how would you feel?

OP posts:

Original poster

reddaisy · 19/04/2010 10:11

BTW, I found both sets of searches last night when he asked me to proof read a work document for him. I have never been on his computer before and don't know his passwords etc.

OP posts:

muddleduck · 19/04/2010 10:13

did you look because you were expecting to find something?

or did you just happen to find this?

Original poster

reddaisy · 19/04/2010 10:20

I happened to find it. I have never suspected him of cheating on me, ever. I put a word into google to search for the spelling of it and it came up with previous google searches. The actual history of the computer had been wiped.

He said he wiped the history before he gave it to me because he had been looking at porn and didn't want me to see it and get annoyed.

I have never had a problem with him looking at porn and told him that was a crap reason to delete the history.

I went through his email accounts and online phone records and didn't find anything amiss. But I still feel sick and as if I don't know him at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

reddaisy · 19/04/2010 10:24

And we have a great sex life btw so it isn't like he isn't getting any at home.

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cheesesarnie · 19/04/2010 10:26

horrible.you do need to talk.

Original poster

reddaisy · 19/04/2010 10:30

To say what? If he has visited an escort, he would never admit it would he? And he told me his version of events last night.

Can't bear to tell anyone in RL yet as it is so humiliating.

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cityandwilts · 19/04/2010 10:32

It could well be true. Exploring what was out there out of morbid curiosity.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/04/2010 10:32

So, his first instinct was to lie - and then to admit to only what you could prove. What you can deduce from this that he is still lying. How many threads are there on here with men saying they were "just looking to see what's out there"?

What would I think? That he wants to be unfaithful, that he has no particular reason to be, but just feels that he can if he wants to. That he sees no problem with using prostitutes and has no ethical problem with rape, since so many of these escorts will have been trafficked against their will and never made a career choice to be a sex worker. That he lies about all sorts of other things too. That he has deeply flawed views about women.

You have to decide whether you need more proof (I don't think you do) and I'd guess that if you do a bit more digging, you will find it.

cheesesarnie · 19/04/2010 10:33

to talk about where things go from here.talk about how you are feeling and how he is feeling.

Rycie · 19/04/2010 10:39

I'm so sorry reddaisy, it doesn't sound good at all. I think your dh is probably not telling you the whole truth, and you need to find out what that is. The fact that he denied even doing the searches means he's lying, and is only going to tell you what he thinks he has to.

I would feel beyond angry, and I'm sorry to say that as well as him sleeping elsewhere I think you need to be checked for any std's. .

I also think you need to get some RL support, as to be honest I think this may be the beginning of your discoveries and not the end. I could well be wrong, but in my experience with a cheating partner (which seems to be born out in many threads) there are two things which seem to be the rule, not the exception:

if you think he's lying then he probably is, your instincts are there for a reason, and the sick feeling you're having is in all likelihood a horrifying realisation of the truth. Our bodies often gives us signs of the situation before we can wrap our heads around them.

he will tell you as little as he possibly thinks he can get away with.

Can you get a friend or family member to come and stay with you, and can he stay elsewhere for a few days while you sort this out?

Original poster

reddaisy · 19/04/2010 10:41

Whenwillifeelnormal, I never wanted to be the type of woman who goes through a mans things/computer etc as I always felt that trust was so important. Without trust, what is left?

But I agree that I would find more if I did more digging and contemplated taking his computer to a computer guy in town to get it properly looked at as they can recover things on there. But I gave it back to DP because I feel that if I am prepared to do that, then that means I don't believe him.

Feel so gutted. I never, ever, ever thought he would do anything like this.

OP posts:

cityandwilts · 19/04/2010 10:44

RedDaisy...don't jump to conclusions. You cannot assume that he has or even ever inteneded to, act on these searches.

Original poster

reddaisy · 19/04/2010 10:45

Rycie, I sat next to him last night and said he had one chance to tell me the truth and one chance only. I then asked him whether he had been to a prostitute and he said no and I asked had he ever looked for them and he said no. So his "one chance" he used to lie.

I agree that he will only admit what I can prove. But if something looks bad it is usually because it is bad.

He has got nowhere to go (his parents live hundreds of miles away, he has no friends locally and works from home) and TBH we have had so many problems over recent months and I have taken our dd here, there and everywhere when we have been having arguments that I feel stupid to be doing it again so soon.

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/04/2010 10:48

Look, forget notions of what "type of woman" you want to be - this seems to hold back a lot of MNetters IMO. I suspect that's why you've tried to be "cool" about porn too. If you've got fixed ideas on how you want to be as a woman, how about this? You presumably don't want to be the sort of woman who is lied to, cheated on, given a STI or with a man who uses women. He has lied to you and broken your trust. He has reneged on the trust bargain, not you. Get to work on finding out more if you feel you need more reasons - and feel no guilt for doing so.

scaredoflove · 19/04/2010 10:50

I thought google showed you what others in the world has searched for, not your own history?? Mine doesn't show me things I have searched for previously

Are you positive these were his searches and not googles suggestions??

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/04/2010 10:50

And if you don't follow through with that "one chance and one chance only" threat, he will lie to you again and again and know there is no consequence.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/04/2010 10:51

Scared - he has "coughed" to looking for escorts.

Original poster

reddaisy · 19/04/2010 10:52

How would I find more? I have been through his phone records, facebook, email accounts and the history of the computer. I can't think of anything else to look through so now it comes down to whether I believe him or not and I don't believe him. If a friend told me this story, I would definitely think he had been up to no good.

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Original poster

reddaisy · 19/04/2010 10:54

Scared, it wasn't on the google homepage, it was in some sort of sidebar thingy on the toolbar that popped up. Don't understand it exactly but there were all sorts of other innocuous things on there that were definitely him. And when I told him I could prove it, then he admitted it.

No-one else has ever had access to that computer so it had to be him.

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sunshiney · 19/04/2010 10:59

yes scaredoflove is right...open google and type in something like 'no strings' and it comes up with no strings attached london and other stuff like that! this is my profile on my laptop i have never searched those things before.

so Woah!!!!! he may be telling the truth. seems he fessed up to the porn but might not be more than that.

do some more experiments with google searches or post here what you words to search and i can tell you exactly what comes up.

Merryoncemore · 19/04/2010 11:01

Oh no Reddaisy, internet hackers is the lamest excuse in the world! I know how you feel anf hope you both better at resolving it than we appear to be.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/04/2010 11:02

Have you checked the cookies on your PC? You can do this via Tools. These might show more sites visited. You could look for evidence of another phone, you could get a keylogger installed on the PC.

And you could just tell him you don't believe him and that this is the last straw in a long line of problems in your troubled relationship. Tbh, there are usually clues in daily life about a man's attitude to women.

sunshiney · 19/04/2010 11:03

ok just seen your subsequent post re sidebar. don't know what that might be but the fact that my laptop is throwing up all sorts of dodgy sounding stuff when i am the only person using it i find quite shocking.

Original poster

reddaisy · 19/04/2010 11:03

He admitted to searching for escorts. He said he was curious. He isn't blaming pop-ups or anything. The searches had the word "escorts" and the location of where he was when we went away for a week in October last year. He could hardly deny it, although he did try.

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crumpette · 19/04/2010 11:06

My google shows up previous searches. Also you can, on some computers, find your most visited sites. When you delete your browsing history, the most visited sites stay as thumbnails, somehow.

If he is cheating or doing anything untoward he will be using his work email or an alternative email address and a different phone. BUT I know people who google things just to look. You say you have had arguments- has he been angry? Has he ever been angry enough to look it up just to see what he could do if he wanted to? That may be all it was. My ex used to google granny porn for a laugh- DP has googled 'dogging in london' but he hasn't intended to go, it's just a curiosity thing

reddaisy I'm in no position to comment (as my DP is a prat of the highest order) but I am very sorry you are in this situation.

You need to ask yourself- do you want to stay with him? If you did find things would you leave or stay and try to rebuild 'trust'?

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