Feel sick and don't know what to think

[reddaisy]

I found searches on DP's computer for escorts where we live and when he was away working for a week in October last year I found searches for escorts, "no strings sex" among other things near where he was working.

When I confronted him he lied and said he hadn't ever searched for those things and then when he realised I could prove it, he said he had done it because he was "curious to see what was out there". He swore he never did anything and I went through his phone records for the periods in question and didn't find anything.

I feel like such a fool and that his excuse is the lamest excuse in the world.

Now I feel sick to my stomach. I made him sleep in the spare room last night and we aren't talking today.

WWYD? And how would you feel?

reddaisy - fwiw, when I confronted a cheating ex I told him the same thing - he had one chance to come clean, and the only way to salvage our relationship was the truth and the whole truth. And he then immediately told another lie, and I knew it was over.

I think the tech aspects of this are a moot point, the OP's DH has admitted to it.

reddaisy - one thing you could check are his bank records - if he did use escorts he would have had to pay for it, prob using cash but if he is an idiot then putting it on a card. It would have a different name if it did come up on the card, but you could check around the dates you were away on business. .

Don't feel stupid to do what you need to, but if it were me I would try and keep dc's at home with me for some stability and tell him he's got to find a friends' couch in the meantime. Don't give up the family home and uproot children. If he works from home then surely he can do that miles away at his parents? just a thought.

Oh I've just seen your post about when he was away on business. Bank records are the way to see- I imagine he would have made cash withdrawals at that time that may be out of the ordinary, had he done anything.

Thanks for your posts. Just put dd down for a nap and want to curl up and cry.

Oh reddaisy, I'm so sorry, I wish I wasn't giving you the kind of advice I am. A very big hug to you.

reddaisy, I wish I could say something helpful. If you want to know for sure, have a dig around in the computer.. look for bank statements, or online banking details if applicable. Sometimes though I think you may already know what has gone on and you don't want it to be true, but that 'sick' feeling is very telling indeed.
Your DD is worth everything, and it sounds like DH has no respect for you or your relationship and is only admitting to what he knows you can prove- why would he admit everything when you can't prove it. Believe me when I say you and her are worth more than being stuck in a crap relationship with someone who treats you badly, whatever you find or choose to do. It may not be the end of your relationship- but if and it's a big if, it is and if that is what you want, don't look at it as the end but as the beginning to your new life with your daughter.

Male POV here.

I love and am commited to DW, DC etc. and would never, ever dream of using escorts etc.

However, I, too, have on occasion done searches of the sort reddaisy talks about here. If my DW were to find them, then I too would be very and trying to describe why I had done it would not be the easiest thing - My reasons may well sound like those which reddaisy's H is using.

Why do it? Well, it is sort of interesting... There are a lot of things in the 'seamier' side of life which are interesting. Taking a peek at what is going on in certain parts of the world doesn't mean you are about to join. It's sort of fascinating sometimes finding out what goes on...

Not really trying to comment on reddaisy's situation in and of itself - merely adding corroberation to what others have posted on here that it really IS possible to look at/for this sort of thing without having any intention of taking it further.

I don't think looking at sites equals intention either - I do think looking for no strings sex within a short distance of where you will be working away from home, is more suggestive of intent. That is more than curiosity. People who look at the sites out of curiosity like to read the "reviews" (vom) as they convince themselves that this is real-life porn, rather than some fat-cat agency owner typing out the stories one-handed.

Just a follow-up thought...

There are current mainstream TV programmes about escorts. If it's in France and a couple of hundred years ago, then it's classed as 'highbrow'. There are even Operas about it.

Watching La Traviatta does not mean you would use a courtisan... looking at a website may be significantly more 'smutty', but I don't think one can deny there is significant evidence of fascination for this sort of thing.

There was an identical post about this a while ago, so much so that I checked the date. The H came up with an excuse but I am not sure if anyone disproved it.

Thanks for the male point of view. But it still doesn't put him in the clear. And thanks for your support. Fabisgoingtogetfit, I don't understand your post. Are you trying to say I posted before about this? Because I certainly haven't or are you trying to say the situation is more common than we think?

reddaisy I don't think that's what Fab meant. I remember it cropping up before but I don't remember details. I too have found things on my internet history, it's probably quite common.

I would say he had just googled out of curiosity, but sadly doing it specifying a location where he was away on business makes it a lot harder to explain away. A friend who is a divorce lawyer always says the worst case scenario is always the true one. While I disagree with that, I would still find it hard to believe your DH in your circumstances.

I hope you are OK

reddaisy what fab is saying I think is that there have been several threads like this one. There was one a while ago from a woman who believed the "I was just looking" story, only to find that months later, a date had been set and a time and place agreed....for a "travelling" escort. The spouse then got the "I would never have gone through with it though..." excuse, which with any luck, she would have laughed at and binned him for good.

It is very common - and is usually a portent of far worse behaviour that unfolds over time.

yes, daisy

I think what people are trying to say is there is often a script these buggers seem to follow...

very predictable

he seems to be following that particular trail of behaviour, tbh

Thanks crumpette. His attitude today certainly isn't helping. Think he is trying to ride it out by making out it isn't a big deal and I am overreacting. We have got friends due over in 45 mins to babysit because we are supposed to be going out to the theatre, no idea what to do. Think he thinks we are still going.

And crumpette, i was just re-reading the thread and you asked was he angry? Well, when he was working away we were on the verge of splitting up so yes. We have had a very turbulent relationship, especially since dd was born.

yep, next in the "script" is belittle your feelings, try to push it under the carpet, tell you that you are over-reacting, try to make you feel guilty for not getting over it, just wants to "move on"

you could set your watch by these fuckers

If I were you I'd still go and try to talk to him afterwards without your DD around. I find that guilty men get angry, though and very defensive, so I'm not sure if I'm giving good advice, but it may be quite telling.

That is how he acted last night. And he tried to turn the tables on me. Something that I think is typical of someone who has got something to hide. Thanks for your advice. I really do appreciate it.

Just wish we could be a bit more positive

It's actually the lies and the (self-)justification that's the problem -- if he had come to you distraught and confessed to you he had used an escort and was genuinely upset and wanted help to fix things, that would be one thing. But that's not what's going on here.

Poor you. So sorry. It sounds to me like it's over.

I don't know... finding out dh had paid for sex would be a dealbreaker for me no matter how honest or regretful he was about it afterwards.

reddaisy - Hopefully he's not the type to buy a prostitute and there are no strings sex sites if you don't want to pay but women are massively outnumbered by men so normally only the most persistent get "lucky" there. Only he can know the truth of what he has or hasn't done.

However, you say that you have been having problems anyway? Sounds like he is doing the quite common male behaviour of looking for sex as a distraction. Sounds like some intent, not just curiosity as he looked in the area where he was away from you. Hopefully he will face the problems with you and talk things through properly?

To those who are doubting the google search - it's presumably based on the google toolbar search box rather than direct on the website. That brings up your previous searches above the general possibilities.

oh god reddaisy i am so sorry. i would be vomiting too i think. if you are anything like me i wouldn't be able to talk this out with dh. i would have to find out the facts one way or another. i'm with the other re cash withdrawls or even cheques written.

don't feel bad about breaking trust. i think we are all entitled to know whats going on in our oh's lives if its to our detriment.

meanwhile do you know how to look in the computer's history etc - can post instructions if nec. also on google if you choose previous search keywords so it give you the search results, previously visited sites show in a different colour. i think sort of mauve instead of blue iyswim

Thanks again for help and advice, we are not talking, he keeps trying to make conversation but I can't even look at him. Will keep you posted.

Unfortunately i do have personal experience of this kind of thing.

I have handled it all wrong, but I have learned some things along the way which you might find of some help:

1. trust your own instincts

1. use your common sense. i could have found out and maybe stopped it in its tracks five years earlier than I did if I hadn't believed a ridiculous explanation - 'yes, i did call the number, but that was all i did - it was just part of the fantasy'.

1. the way to find out is to 'follow the money'. If he is using escorts he will need cash - lots of it - at least £100 - £300 at a time. Look on the bank statements for money disappearing at times when you think he might have had an opportunity. My h sometimes drew out cash on a credit card then paid it off the next day.

1. I personally think that searching in particular geographical areas is suspicious. If they are just interested in the idea and in exploring the seamier side of life, they can just google escorts in general or look at those appalling escort review sites.

1. try to find out as much as you can, but then confront him. Don't leave it as I did, for ages and ages, just hoping it isn't true.

1. try to get some rl support

Thinking of you. I know how horrible it is.