Feeling numb

[dollyeyes]

Just wondered what other mumsnetters think of my situation as I have no one else to confide in.

The weekend just gone dh's sister came to stay and went and got some shopping with dh and the kids .I should say i suffer from anxiety and sometimes have problems going out.On their return his sister put away the shopping with me and proceeded to tidy up my fridge.She found a couple of out of date things .Nothing more was said.

Also dh's family are planning a weekend away somewhere abroad in september for his mum's birthday.His sister is orgainising this and mentioned nothing about it all weekend.

Tonight dh comes in and starts to tell me his sister sent him an e mail at work about the plans for this weekend and they need to get it booked.
I felt under so much pressure,i felt sick.I must explain i am seeing a therapist for agrophobia and depression.Dh then went on about the flight etc.I am having difficultly getting to the local shop with the kids and coping at the moment much more getting on a plane.
I was stunned and asked he realised what he was asking of me,and he said i was up my own arse and i was being awkward.I just feel so ignored.His sister knows i am seeing atherapist and things are difficult for me at the moment.Then they talk together and arrange everything ,why not disscuss it when she was here at the weekend.

My dh then went on to say he was so embaressed at the weekend that his sister found out of date things in our fridge and what do i do all day that i can't keep the fridge tidy.
Then he said i was'nt taking my responsibiltues seroiusly and i could have poisened the children with out of date food!!
I t was 2 tubs of creme fraiche fgs and i am with them all the time they are 4 and 2 they would'nt have eaten it.

I can't do this anymore this is just an example of a long line of put downs about my mothering skills.I might add he had a drink and this is normally when i get these kind of remarks.
Then it's back to normal again.I never know day to day what he will accuse me of next.
I can't forgive some of the things he says especially where the kids are concerned.I do my best everyday by them despite not being able to cope and wanting to run away !!!I adore them they are my life.

I really frightened myself tonight when he was going on at me from the lounge .I was in the kitchen and just picked up a table knife and started to scrape my wrists and saying shut up ,shut up.
I have never done anything like this before but i just wanted him to stop abusing me mentally.

please please get to see your doctor tomorrow to discuss this -- I am no expert but you are in so much emotional pain and need far more support than your DH can give.... FGS my fridge always has at least 1 thing in the fridge is out of date as I think playing with kids is more important than checking every label every day and most labels are so ulta cautious, it is unlikely the stuff was off...

Sorry I can not give you any advice as have never been were you are but have been depressed and found talking to doctor helped...

Does your DH really know how you are feeling -- is his drinking an issue in this? Could you write a email to him to explain how your feeling...

Agree with manc mum, go see the quack am asap and fully explain how you are feeling, don't worry about the out of date stuff, our fridge nearly always has something lurking near or past a sellby date!

Mancmum-thank you for your reply.
My dhs's drinking is an issue and where his family are concerned I will never win .

I have been feeling like this for a while now and my doctor was the one who referred me for cbt therapy which i am still under going.I feel I can't confide in my therapist as am frightened she will inform hv and they will think i can't cope with children.

My dh knows how i am feeling all to well as he pointed out in another agruement i was insane and he would get me sectioned.This was when he was drunk and of course did'nt know he had said this the next morning.

His mother when she came to stay was just dismissive of my depression and kept going on amout how we have it so good nowadays compared to years ago when she brought her children up.

I feel so trapped.I can't confide in anyone.
I talk to my niece but don't want to burden her and also feel disloyal to dh slagging him off to her.

This trip they are planning is just a total nightmare for me and i am dreading what dh will be like and what his family will think if i can't go.Dh threatened to take the children on his own once before when we went to stay at mil's and i was forced to go.But this is abroad for a weekend and i can't deal with this on top of everything else.His mother is'nt hands on and i will have to deal with the children and all the other critical comments that i should be used to by know.

Thanks frizbe-I know the fridge thing seems so silly compared to everything that is going on,but it was just the last straw!!!!

bump

Your dh sounds abusive Dollyeyes. I hope I am not speaking out of turn.

Hi Handlemecarefully-My dh only says these things when he has had a drink,which i know does'nt excuse him.
It is just so difficult to deal with.He is a great father and normally not abusive but bring drink and his family into the equasion and i lose everytime.I just can't forget some of the things he says,they are so hurtful and don't understand how he can say them and expect me to carry on as normal the next day.
I don't now why this family trip was'nt discussed at the weekend .I just feel etrayed and left out and now i will have the pressure of this hanging over me.His family will not understand why i can't go and neither will dh.

hunny .....[hugs] i really dont know what to say ..i know what you mean re th eknife and shut up,,,,,,,did the same thing in the shower the other night with my engagment ring ,,just wanted everything to go away and let me sleep,,,how are you now?

Hi barefootangel-I still feel pretty numb.Like this is happening to someone else.
I know i should go to bed as will be up early with the kids tomorrow but my mind is racing.
I have never done anything like that before,the knife incident i mean,i did'nt cut myself i just wanted him to shut up.It's like he is a different preson ,one i don't like.
Nobody would believe me if i told them,he is a fab person normally and great with the kids.It's just the drinking and any issues with his family then i feel second best.
I hate it when he does this.He will get up for work in the morning and go out and I will be left to deal with the kids and have all this on my mind.As if i need that on top if the fact i am not coping very well at the moment!!

hun ,,i havent read all your thread,have you tried talking to him when hes in a good mood and sober to explain how hes making you feel?

and you are coping ,your bringing up a family you are coping with a lot of crap you are doing brillintly ,, honest

You reacted as abused people often do act.

Using drink to abuse you is just an excuse to abuse you.

If he is this critical of you now, what will he be like with your children as they get older? Would you see your daughter (if you have one) be treated like this in her marriage because she thinks it is normal?

I know I am saying horrible things to you, but I believe what I am saying.

I hope you get some help. You have a right not to be spoken to like dirt, drink or no drink. I get very drunk when I go out, I don't come home and abuse my partner though.

Yes,so many times.But he sees it as me being the problem and does'nt realise how much this affects my anxiety and depression.
Even my therapist says i need to deal with my own issues first but he is compounding them.How can you concentrate on yourself and build up your self esteem when one mnute someone is positive towards you the next putting you down.
Criticism about how you are as a mother is just so hurtful as i do my best for my children but he makes out i am a bad mother.Something i am working on with my therapist as she makes me see i am a good mother,then he go and puts doubts in my mind again!!!

Dollyeyes, your ability to mother your children is not dependant on somebody's opinion of you. You do not become a bad mother just because he says you are. I feel you are judging yourse;f too harshly.

If he cares so much about a bloody frindge, tell him to damn well check it himself!

i really dont know what to say i have had an abusive relationship and people on the outside even family and friends dont see it as the person puts on a different personality when with others ,,sometimes the mental abuse is 100 times worse than the physical as noone sees the scars.i wouldnt dare tell you to leave him as i dont know you well enough and even if you wanted to i know how hard that would be [believe me] but i will support you if you need someone to talk to outside your friends and family youcancat me any time.

Coldtz i know what you are saying.Of course i would'nt want my dd to be treated like this which is what i often say to him.

They say that people often speak the truth when they are drunk,if that's the case then god what does he think of me!!!!

I told him last time this happened that i would not put up with being spoken to like that again.My children are still young but i don't want them to grow up with this happening every so often.I just need to make him see that.

colditz,i suspose i look for approval in everyone.His mother always makes me feel like i am doing the mothering thing wrong and when his sister stayed at the weekend it was just like having his mother here.She too criticized my bedtime routine,potty training etc.I felt so useless.Hence dh saying he was embarressed about the fridge.Like i said with all that's going on at the moment the bloody fridge is the last thing on my mind.Then i get called irresponsible towards my children.

Barefootangel-I know what you mean about the different personality,he is the ideal person when his sister and mother came to stay i just lose all confidence in everything like i don't measure up.So he looks like the one coping and i look like a nervous wreak.Truth be known i deal with the kids on my own everyday ,I have no familly who help out and he stops off at the pub most nights to wind down!!! But of course they don't know that.

ok hun i got to go ,you should get some sleep too ..if you need a chat just shout..take care ..

Barefootangel-thanks for your kind offer to cat you sometime
I might take you up on that in the future xx

ok ..anytime .x

Bump

morning you ok?

Hi Dollyeyes

I don't have much experience of this sort of thing but found your posts so sad and was moved by them.

If my SIL found out of date things in my fridge I'd just laugh! I'm feeding my dds yoghurts with a sell by date of 22nd today!!

But that is because I am very confident with high self esteem so what others say doesn't bother me. So your therapist is right - you have to concentrate on building yourself up first and then these other people won't be able to bully you.

Surely what you say to her is in confidence (unless you were seriously harming your kids I guess which I'm sure you're not). It is slightly defeating the object if you can't be honest with her isn't it? We are all crap mothers sometimes - I'm sure your kids would think you were the best mum in the world though.

Your dh is abusing you. It's just an excuse to say he was drunk etc. We all put on a public face but if he really loved you he would be supportive and understanding and know you couldn't make a trip abroad etc. I know you probably don't have the strength to deal with him at the moment. Could you just stay well clear of him when he's had a drink so he doesn't upset you and set back all the work you've done with the therapist?

Sorry if my advice is rubbish but I feel for you. Wish I could send you a bit of my confidence somehow!!

Reading this thread leaves me with a few different thoughts, which I hope are of help to you dollyeyes:

If you are agrophobic and depressed you really should be on medication, not just seeing a therapist. It is not clear if you are or not. I have taken anti-depressants in the recent past and it is a significant help.

As with my dp, your dh sounds very fustrated with your condition and wishes you could 'pull yourself together and be a proper wife and mother' perhaps? Its hard to see things from his point of view, perhaps thats why he abuses you mentally. This needs to be dealt with in paralell to your depression.

Try not to let little issues get you down, some people have very different attitudes to others with regards to sell-by dates. MN threads on the subject have provided healthy debate in the past. I wouldn't dwell on what your sister did and your dh's response. My dp gets very upset about sell-by dates whereas I say, if it don't smell bad and have mould on then its ok. Different folks, different strokes.

Finally, stand up for your self girl! Just say NO!
NO you won't remove Creme Frais from MY fridge!
NO I'm not going on a plane.
NO I'm not going to take this mental abuse anymore.
You might be amazed by how much better this makes you feel and how much more respect your dh and sil will need to give you.

Take care

Hi barefootangel-I just saw your reply and got tearful.God someone was asking if I was ok.
I feel so isolated sometimes and is nice for someone to ask.

Dh came up to say goodbye this morning before leaving for work as if nothing happened last night and I just said what about what you said last night you don't remember do you?
He just said I do remember in a matter of fact way.Before he would have at least apoligised the next morning,but nothing.He just went out the door slamming it.

I am feeling so down and wondering how i will et through the day.The children will keep me busy as usual ,I have to keep my mood up for their sakes.
I suspose I have just given dh another excuse to go to the pub again toniight after work as he will say i was arguing with him this morning.
If i say nothing then he will think it's acceptable and keep doing it.I feel i can't win.
As far as his family are concerned they see him as the one keeping everything together,me the mad awkward women he is married to.His mother has told me before she thinks i am strange in the way i am think and feel at the moment.