My marriage is in trouble again..

[Irishchic]

We have been to Relate twice in the past 18 months.

My husband is hard to live with, very successful in business, very much The Boss at home as well as work. I gave up my job as a solicitor to look after our five young children.

We had a minor row on friday night, which spiralled into someting more becuase he felt I was out of order in something i said, and he "couldnt get over it" couldnt just "bounce back" and then proceeded to sulk for the rest of the weekend.

When I tried to talk it out with him he spoke to me in a really nasty way, saying stuff like he wondered why he ever married me, that I overanalysed everything, and that I would bleat about our problems to anyone "with a fucking heartbeat who would listen" to me. I found that hurtful, disrespectful and unfair.

This morning he asked me "what's wrong with you now or is it just the usual shit?" I told him that just becuase we had disagreements did not mean that he had to belittle me or insult me. I told him how upset that made me feel. He basically just shrugged and then headed out the door to mass (!) without any word of apology or anything.

I have really been trying in this marriage for the sake of our children. We seemed to be doing ok, quite well actually, then one argument happens and all the old resentment and vitriol starts spilling out from him again, like it was there all the time, building up quietly bahind the senes.

I dont know what to do or think. If he cannot even speak to me without the nastiness then what hope do we have of getting along again. I feel very very upset, scared and alone. I just needed to post this becuase I have read good advice and wisdom on this before and I hoope someone can offer me some at this point. Thanks

So, what keeps you with this man? What is it that makes it worth working on?

I can think of five reasons, I suppose...

But I don't think this is any way to live- you sound dreadfully hurt and upset, and I don't blame you.

Have you considered a trial separation?

Sounds awful.

What was the original source of your problems that sent you to Relate? Were their any lessons learned/strategies suggested that you both need to be reminded of now?

Is anything extra stressful going on at work? Wondering if has anger toward you is misdirected/displaced rage.

Completely random - how does he treat his Mum? What are his interactions like with her?

Does he treat other people (employees, friends, family) the way he is treating you now?

He sounds like a misogynist to me...?

sorry, that was a bit blunt. I realise I have limited info to back up my judgement

In my experience when your relationship reaches the stage where is saying stuff like that to you and and basically invalidating your feelings and emotions then it is probably on its last legs. There has to be a fundamental respect and caring for the other persons feeling and emotions or quite frankly what is the point in sharing your life with that person?

However saying that I also think that it can sometimes depend on how the other person responds if you try and apologise to them, if you hold a grudge or a sulker then it can get to feeling pretty pointless to even bother apologising or communicating. Not saying you are doing that but have found in the past that these things can become a vicious cycle. I speak from experience.

how do you mean it spiralled into something more? violence?

Thanks all for your replies. I will try to deal with your queries as briefly as I can (as it's kid's bedtime.)

ThreeBlonde - No, not violence, just spiralling in the sense that I was trying to clear the air cos I had said something in a playful teasing way which had seemed to irritate him, so I tried to clear the air, but he seemed to get even more annoyed, and before long was referring to past fights and things that I thought had been long resolved in Counselling (we were in counselling primarily for a breakdown in our relationship caused by communication problems, issues I had with how he spoke down to me etc) he threw these in to the pot in our argument on Fri night and to me seemed to be angry with me WAY out of proportion to the source of the argument.

So there's this latent anger that just rises to the surface when we argue, (which is not that often now) and he says stuff like "I just can't be bothered making an effort and putting up with all this bullshit" as if we were having this kind of thing every day, when in fact things had been going along really well of late, we were planning a weekend away next weekend which will now probably not happen because I just dont have the heart for it tbh.

SteelFairy - I did apologise for the original row, and he accepted that but still told me that he couldnt just bounce back after it and that he was just so fed up with me etc etc that I couldnt expect him to be all upbeat and normal for the next while.

EarlyBird - He is in charge of a very busy family business that employs around 40 people. He does get stressed yes, but there is nothing in particular at the moment going on in the business which would be stressing him out. He is heading off on a lads golf trip for 5 days at the beginning of may, he plays gold twice a week as it is so while he works hard, he also makes time for relaxation and I fully support him in that but at times like this feel that I get little appreciation for it.

Dont get me wrong. We have a good life, he is a good provider and supports me by paying for childcare to help me out around the house, but in return I do not take the piss. I run the house well, the kids are well looked after, I don't spend money unwisely and I try to show him my appreciation by being as supportive as I can.

But I feel that he no longer respects me. When he apologises to me, he says in a resigned sort of tone "If I have said/done something wrong the I apologise but.." then he proceeds to usually defend whatever he had said/done as being somehow my fault. I think it had been years, literally, since he had looked me in the eye and said a heartfelt and unqualified "sorry". I feel he resents me and feels that everything is ultimately my fault. I feel like shit, really.

Bit if Fun - Yes, you are right, 5 very good reasons to keep working at this marriage.

Last Nov I said I thought we should think about a separation and that sort of kickstarted a big effort on his part to improve things. We both tried. I thought we were doing well, but when all this stuff starts coming out of him it is obvious that when we have rows, I get over them and move on, whereas he harbours the grudge, holds on to it, anl lets it all build up until it all spills out in some silly row, like he cant keep it in any longer.

Earlybird - about his mum, he veers between doing nice things like sending her flowers for easter, to biting her head off and reducing her to tears but the cutting things he says sometimes. He has a reputation for a harsh tongue but it tends to be only his wife, mother father siblings etc who are on the receiving end of it.

He would do anything for his friends or the man on the street, it's one thing that has always annoyed me, like he reserves his worst self for the people who are closest to him.

You may be working at your marriage, but it doesn't sound much like he is.

Hi, just bumoing this, really could do with some advice if anyone can help

It sounds like you work you arse off for little thanks or appreciation and he gets to swan off playing golf and get narky with you when the mood takes him .

He needs to realise he has to buck his ideas up.

Yeah, reading back on my own post I see how it looks. I suppose I feel grateful that his wage allows me to stay at home with the kids while they are young and have help in the house too, very lucky on that front. But not so lucky if having all that means I am not entitled to any respect from him. All I seem to get is a very grudging appreciation rarely, and a simmering contempt/resentment mostly all of the time.

Update. He had a business dinner last night, went out 6.30pm, returned 3.30am blind drunk, broke the toilet seat in the bathroom, didnt make it in to work this morning. He knows this is a real stress trigger in our marriage so it makes it doubly worse as he knew how it would affect me, he will likely blame his binge on me for having spoiled his weekend.

'I suppose I feel grateful'

never ever ever ever feel grateful to him. It is sad to hear that an educated woman and a good mother is made to feel 'grateful' For what??? The fact he pays for your rent/ mortgage and you and your kids food??? You could pay for that yourself. What does he actually give you that you couldnt give yourself? Nothing. Jees move on before his pathetic behaviour rubs off on your children.

A respectful relationship is not more than you deserve.

[touch love face emoticon]
[sorry for being blunt emoticon]

It sounds as though he's trying to get you to end the relationship: sort of constructive dismissal.

If this behaviour is unusual for him, is it possible he might be having an affair? Or might his business be in trouble?

Foureleven - I suppose what I mean is that I feel grateful that we can afford for me to stay at home whilst the kids are young, and have help. But I have 5 under ten years, so, the help is needed. But I still appreciate having it, as many dont.

Sweeedes - An affair I have certainly have wondered, but I think I would know becuase we live in a very small town and I he is so busy with work and life I dont know how he could fit it in. But sometimes it does seem that he is trying in a very passive aggressive way to make me so fed up that I end up leaving him, becuase he is never going to leave me of his own accord, he would see that as a huge social embarrassment to have a failed marriage. He will stay even if he is unhappy.

But all our friends say to me that compared to any dad they know he has it easy. Nice wife, a night out every week with his friends, a great social life, golf every week and 2 or 3 trips away on his own with his friends or brothers.

Becuase financially he can afford to do all that. I wouldnt mind him having all that tbh if he appreciated it, instead of which he makes me feel like a needy demanding spoilt wife who doesnt appreciate all he does for her and the family.

How long has the relationship been 'not good'?

EarlyBird - I would say that we have had problems on and off over the last 4 years. The drinking binges caused a lot of strife and damage to our relationship. He caught himself on and has now all but stopped. Last night's episode was the worst I have seen him for around 18months to 2 years. But it still hurts because it is the reasons behind why he does it, and when he does it it revives a lot of extremely painful memories for me of previous binges in the past.

I wonder if I was to go back to work in some shape or form would things improve. I wonder if the lack of respect and taking for granted and near contempt at times is due to my status as SAHM, although he is always at pains to point out that he works as hard as he can so that I can be at home with the kids and all that. I love what I do, I am happy at home certainly while my youngest is still an infant, so I dont actually want to go back yet, but I think that he doesnt see me as his equal anymore.

nikita...I really don't want to make you feel worse but you are contradicting yourself there

you say first of all he wouldn't have time for an affair

then you go on to list plenty of opportunities he is afforded to do just that...were he so inclined

Oh Nikita, I really feel for you.

I may be way out of line to deduce this from such little information but I reckon your confidence has taken a huge knock. You have gone from being an independant working woman to relying on a man which is fine if you are both happy with it and are equal to each other but he is making you feel inadaquate which probably just confirms every day what a little voice is (incorrectly) telling you anyway.

To be honest, its irrelevent whether he is having an affair, going on too many holidays, drinking too much etc etc he is not treating you as an equal or showing you any respect and therefore does not deserve you.

You say you are happy and greatful to be able to stay at home with your children but you sound miserable in so many other areas.. Do you have someone close who sees your situation forst hand and who is able to give you an honest and informed appraisal?

Foureleven yes I have a couple of very good friends thanks, all of whom agree that whilst my dh is basically a good guy, he does really have it easy and takes a lot for granted, and likes to be in charge.

My confidence has taken a knock, not from having left the workforce, but from a husband who has become used to having it all his own way, and doesnt treat me as an equal.

Anyfucker, you could be right, he could find the time for an affair, and maybe he is having one, I don't know. I would be very suprised though, becuase it is not really his style, but then again, given the stories I have read on this forum, it seems one can never really know.

it never is "their style"

if you read lots of threads on here about cheating husbands...you will find that "liking to be in charge", arrogant, entitled and trying to distance themselves from you to justify their twattery is very much "their style"

I would do some investigating, if I were you

you seem to be in a lot of denial and not thinking very clearly for such an intelligent woman

that is not a criticism, btw, I think it is a product of the way your DH has been treating you

Anyfucker - Just read that now as was out last night.

It is harder to think clearly when you are in the middle of your ouwn situation, which is why i have come on here to get some views.

I do not think I am in denial though. I am not saying he is definitely not having an affair becuase the truth is I do not know, it certainly is possible, and I wouldnt stick my head in the sand if I saw anything suspicious.

However, I personally think that it is just an issue of his personality. He is quite domineering, he is selfish frankly, and everything is always about him. My (honest) friends admit that while they like him, they often find him to be confrontational in discussion, and slightly aggressive in his tone. If they pull him up on it he will swiftly apologise but the point is he shouldnt be like that anyway.

He is not going to change. But I can. And I dont intent to sit around and be quiet and submissive to him. One of the ways in which I could boost my confidence would be to go back into some kind of work, even part time, and I suppose I have come on here for other suggestions as to what else I could do.

I am not going to leave him just becuase he can be a selfish irresponsible person at times, I'd rather have him with his faults than not be with him. There are lots of good things in our marriage and we have 5 kids to think about. What I want is constructive advice on how best to move forward.