verbal abuse - what are my options

[Wuffy]

I have been married for 14 years, 2 fab dc and to the outside world a near perfect life. DH is widely regarded as fantastic, kind, caring, empathetic, etc, and indeed he can be all those things. He is also highly educated and very intelligent.
He can also however be controlling, depressive and has fits of anger that can be very frightening.
The anger bursts are comparatively infrequent - once every 3 months perhaps - and start and finish very suddenly and often for no apparent reason. When they happen however it is as if he is a totally different person; the only word I can use to describe him is psychotic.
He rarely uses physical violence (although he has done - pushing, grabbing, bruising), but is verbally extremely abusive - I am sick, evil, a fucking bitch, I have made his life a misery, I am disgusting, I make him feel physically ill, he wishes I would kill myself, how much abuse does he have to give me before I will leave and get out of his life etc.
Leaving is not an option as far as I am concerned; I would do if I thought that either I or the children were in danger, but to be honest I don't think we are and think that if there is a danger it would be greater if I did leave.
But what other steps can I take? He does have counselling of a sort already (although not specifically for this) and is well aware of the effect that all this is having on me so I'm not sure that further counselling / marriage guidance would make any long term difference to his behaviour.
I feel so stupid, so trapped and so powerless; if this was happening to anyone else I would tell them to get out - but for all sorts of reasons it really is not an option, and because of who my husband is, I doubt if anyone would believe me if I told them what really happens.
Please help!

Wuffy, why and how would you be in "greater danger if you did leave"?

Oh wuffy, this is an awful situation to be in

Have you had any counselling? Or talked with anyone in RL about this?

You need to tel somebody in real life about this.

I am sorry if it was me I would leave.

My father is like that and I know what it is like, what you are putting up with, the difference is because it was my father I had no choice but you do. It sounds like you just want to put a bandaid on a very bad situation, for one thing dh would have to desperately want to change so yes, he would need help for his abusive temper alone. These things are carried by the whole family, but right now it is you carrying his burden. I think a temper like that usually stems from depression or some disorder but it's not good enough or an excuse, he is dumping all his overwhelming negative emotions onto you which is why you are saying things like you feel powerless.

First at least get yourself some real help, talk this through with a councellor, see if you can wake up to how bad it is and get out of it. You have one life, how can you spend it being put down like this?

I know that is not what you want to hear and I am sorry, I really hope you come to see that getting out is an option, no matter who your husband is, you have your own free will.

I think you are either in denial or he has oppressed you so much you can't believe things could be different for you anymore.

But they could be, everyone deserves peace and happiness.

I, too, want to ask unavailable's question.

Does he seem to think it's okay to treat you like this?
I could not love a man who spoke to me like that (I don't think ).
It seems tobe very difficult for you to bring this out in the open. Do your parents or friends know what he does?

When was the last time? Tell us about it.

no.you're doing your children a HUGE dis service by staying with him. not to mention yourself. dont kid yourself,they wll know.....is he like it with them too?

so,he's a 'good man'....high in police i'm guessing,or some similiar type career....he's not really good enough is he

and the bruising,pushing.....thats VIOLENCE.

Thanks for the advice-line Dittany, I will contact them. Yes he does have a high-profile in our community and is held in a lot of respect by an awful lot of people.
The last occasion was last night; everything was normal and nice. Whilst washing up after supper I told him that our 11yr old ds had asked me whether we would let him go swimming on his own because he wanted a bit more independence like some of his friends and would I speak to dh about it. Dh response was to be upset / angry because ds had spoken to me not him, and why hadn't ds spoken to him. I said I didn't know but could we not discuss whether to let our ds have some more freedom, and discuss safety issues etc rather than which parent he had spoken to.
DH then started throwing things around the kitchen, told me that I wanted to castrate him, that I was evil, power crazed, wouldn't be around much longer, he hated me etc etc.
Lasted for about 20 minutes - I don't make eye contact or respond - then it's suddenly over, he says to come to bed and holds onto me all night.
This morning he couldn't understand why I was upset.
We did manage to talk about it eventually; I told him I was frightened and confused; he said that when it happens it doesn't seem real, almost like a dream where he competes with himself to be as vile as he possibly can be, but that he doesn't want to be an abusive husband or to make me frightened.
The thing is, he's always sorry afterwards, but it always happens again.
I feel foolish because I am not easily intimidated and hold an important job etc etc and yet I feel powerless to change anything.
I am frightened because of the extreme change that comes over him - tbh it's as if he is possessed or something! Sounds crazy I know, but it's not just someone in a bad mood or in a temper, it's someone out of control. And that unpredictability is what worries me if I left; I think that the rage and despair would make him do something desperate.
And please don't have a go at me, but my children love us both very much, and most of the time we do function pretty well as a family unit and it would devastate them if we split up. I would rather put up with the abuse than hurt the children in any way. Moreover, I think that for practical reasons (housing, schools, working patterns etc) there is a very real possibility that the children would stay with dh not me and I can't get the thought out of my head that he might do something to them to get back at me (that's an awful awful thing to type and I have absolutely no basis to suspect that he ever would).
I need to find a way to control and contain the rages, or a coping strategy.

oh god!! youre worried he'l kill himself arent you?? if you left him??

this was me 5 years ago....i had this....and my husband then was an armed guard,guarding an army base with a full loaded rifle! i had to leave him...with him threatening suicide or implying it......its NO way to live.

get out...i did....and the fool is still alive threatening other women!!

as dittany says,this is his choice....he chooses to do this to you,not his collegues.boss,neighbours etc...

but how long til he starts on your children?

< he said that when it happens it doesn't seem real, almost like a dream ... but that he doesn't want to be an abusive husband or to make me frightened. >

Right, so in his own words you are married to man who has a loose connection with reality, whose actions are controlled by negative emotions, and who does bad things which are against his wishes.

In mediaeval times he would have been sent to an exorcist.

These days, we have more compassionate terms for people who are 'possessed by devils' but none of them apply to men who make good husbands and fathers.

You really think you are a responsible mother?

Wuffy - I'm hearing you
I can understand why you stay and would feel the same way.
However you are on a slippery slope and you need to put measures in place to stop the slide. You know this hence the thread?

If posters persuade you the only alternative is to leave you'll stay and not open up to anyone else?

Please don't feel that way. I would feel the same as you that chucking out a good (for vast majority of the time) marriage for a small flaw is not worth it but (HUGE but)...... we can all hear the start of a dangerous spiral whereby your DH makes you feel responsible for ensuring the peace in the house and fearful of the result if you fail in this task

The next step is that his behaviour becomes more irrational, more frequent and more violent.

Confronting it now in a painful manner and making sure he realises that this escalation is not an option and there WILL be consequences is vital.

If you are too scared to confront him.... it is possibly time to get out. Pick a public place and talk. If he does not respond favourably, leave.

"I would rather put up with the abuse than hurt the children in any way"

You hang yourself by your own petard if you truly believe this.

You are already hurting the children by staying with him. All your words are those of an abused woman, you have come to normalise his abuse over time (as many people in your type of situation do) and are desperately trying to find ways to cope with him. There are no ways to cope with this other than leaving. He will start on your children directly over time, infact I think this process has already started albeit indirectly at present. He is now picking on your eldest via you as he asked you why he spoke to you first rather than him.

Would you want your children to exhibit his patterns of behaviour as adults or end up in a relationship like the one you are in now?. I would think not but the chances of this happening increase the longer you remain within this abusive relationship. Children learn about relationships first and foremost from the parents, what are you teaching them both here?.

It is no point showing a nice life to the outside world if inside your house it is a warzone. You are living within a broken home. You are walking on eggshells and waiting for his next outburst; one which always comes.

His behaviour towards you is abusive; he does not act like this with others does he?. No, just you luv. He has chosen you as his victim very carefully. This is not a "small flaw" within him either. If anything this is learnt behaviour on his part.

Also counselling for such men too can be counter productive because they learn how to cover up the abuse they're doing towards their victim. It can go some way to justifying the abuse further in their own minds. In his mind, you "deserve" all his abuse; he honestly does not think he has or is doing anything wrong.

What are your children themselves learning about relationships from you both?. They unbodutedly hear him shout at you and are undoutedly confused themselves by both him and your reactions to him. Look at your children properly; take the tinted specs of denial off and really see this through their eyes.

You have a choice re him ultimately, your children do not. They could well as adults not want to have any contact with their dad primarily because of how he has treated you (and will continue to treat you) to date.

My best friend is both kind and intelligent but is trapped in an abusive marriage (she's had the verbal abuse, he has also smashed up her house). She is now a half person living a lie and an pitiful existance. The damage done to her child is incalculable. She needs to get out and will do so one day (please god) but she has to want to make that first and often hardest step to make plans to leave. The first step is often the hardest one to make but make it you must.

There is help out there for you and you only have to ask. Womens Aid are good, tell your family and friends about the real him. They probably have their suspicions already re him that something is not right between the two of you. They see you being dominated and scared by him.

Your husband is a nut job. Tell him he gets some help or you walk.

It is so hard to accept the reality of what you already know. You know because you have posted this.

You have probably been reading the other threads? If not please do.

The thing that shunted me into action was being told by my nurse practitioner that if I stayed, with my children in this situation, then I was colluding with the aabuse of my children.

That by staying, I was complicit in the abuse of my children.

I didn't need to hear that again.

Been where you are wuffy, i feel for you.I had a range of ready made excuses for him, ie, he doesnt do it ALL the time, probably doesnt mean it, hes tired ect. But it escalates , it gets worse and worse over time, you might notice this yourself if you look back over the years.

My house was like a warzone, my dcs copied his behaviour and my life was a total misery, like you i was told on a regular basis i was evil, fxxxxx this and that. And of course my children heard most of it . At the time i thought of it as a row, but they , and i, were being abused on a regular basis.

You would not allow your dcs to visit a home where a man was screaming abuse in front of them, he has no special rights just because hes their father. In time they too will be the target of his rages , i seriously doubt they would want to stay with him.

Its good you recognise what is happening, i strongly urge you to seek support from womans aid while you still have the confidence to do so. The more you know the more you can protect yourselfs from him, sadly i recognise your fear of what he might do should you leave.

And hes not out of control, hes very much IN control , he ensures he only abuses women and small children, he ensures there are no witnesses and i promise you he would stop in a heartbeat should the police arrive at your door. Do you feel you could call the police next time hes screaming ?

If not, is it possible you could confide in a neighbour and ask them to call the police next time ? That way theres no comeback on you .I used to wish mine would call the police but they never did .

didnt want to read and run.

Do you think he may be suffering from Bipolar or something? He seems to just change at the click of a finger by the sounds of it.

hope you manage to get him some help.

keep us all up to date.

Dittany, as ever, along with others, have given you good advice.

The fact that you say you are more scared to leave than to stay, makes me think you need to leave. As soon as you can sort yourself out and find the strength to do so.

In the meantime, contact the people they've told you about. x

Wuffy, I wrote your post the other day.Things are the same for me.As soon as I wrote it down, it felt like an anchor had lifted.Thanks to to the lovely ladies here,I also spoke to my family which was incredibly healing in its own way.I was embarrased and ashamed.My husband and I both have good jobs in the community and from outside looking in, we are a wonderful family.My DH is too a fabulous Dad.I am still here, but I dont know for how long.Everything seems different now.By letting it out today, you will feel the same way.And things you thought were impossible ie;childrens schools, money etc.. will soon only seem like hurdles that you can handle tomorrow.

I'm sorry if my little post read as excessively confrontational. It was meant to assist you in confronting what the rest of us can see, and know you have been blinded to.

I've also been afflicted by the embarrassment and shame raggedyanne refers to. Writing your posts may have been a big step for you. One step leads to another, and there are people who'll hold your hand for you. I hope you've rung Women's Aid

Wuffy, I cant imagine how stressful it is to live with a man like this. He sounds like a complete and dangerous control freak.

You acknowledge you are scared he may harm your children out of revenge if you were to leave him - that really shows how extreme his behaviour has been, and that deep down you think he has the capacity to become physically as well as verbally violent.

As your children become teenagers and test the boundaries and confront parental authority, as they inevitably will, he is likely to start to target them as well as you.

Have you ever told anyone about his abuse?

I thought that my h was a fabulous dad. I was brainwashed.

A fabulous dad is the best role model that he can be. He will do his best to ensure the future happiness and good mental health of his children.

I was told I was mad so often that I sought out therapy. My therapist told me in no uncertain terms that my h's behaviour is "apalling".

That's how far from reality our perceptions become. How brainwashed we become.

It's so hard. My gp and nurse practitioner are wonderful....maybe tell your gp? It's a good starting point. Women's aid are brilliant.

Read Lundy Bancroft, Patricia Evans, etc.

Wuffy, i've been there too. My husband was abusive to me because he had a drugs problem. I've walked on eggshells, been called a f**king bitch, in front of our children. It did escalate and it took me some time to see that by staying I was condoning this behaviour. I didn't know at that time he had a drug problem.

I left. took the kids and left. He was removed from our house and I came home. Then he faced up to what he had done. really faced it.

he stopped taking drugs and confronted the abuse.

He stayed away for 8 months,(lived with his parents) though we saw each other , initially out of the house and at the end, at home.

He has been back at home for 2 1/2 years now and although trust takes time to rebuild he has never abused me or the children in that time. He knows I would never stand for it again. (and he has had counselling and dealt with what he did, and he understands its not OK)

By leaving him, I made him see it was NOT ok. I learned that I could survive alone if I had to, and I taught my children that abusive behavior us wrong and I will not tolerate it.

Confide in some real life people. Talk to the police ( they were amazing with me - and no he never hit me but verbal abuse/emotional abuse is still abuse)

very good luck.

Hi Wuffy

I've been where you are too. The hardest part for me was convincing myself that my chrming but dangerous ex was actualy abusive. I stayed way too long, mainly due to the fact that it never occurred to me there could be anythnig wrong with me, I was convinced for years I was a crap wife, mother, person and that's why things were wrong.

Then Ex started picking on our DS too, to the point DS attempted an overdose. His behaviour with me too started to escalate and he hit me for the first time.

What really helped was the Lundy Bancroft book which Dittany recommends. From that you can see these men are nor "driven by" some force within them, they actually choose to abuse. It's deliberate - mine tried to tell me it was because he was depressed, he couldn't help his behaviour. His depression could be turned on and off like a switch, just as the abuse could.

The other thing was to keep a diary of his verbal abuse. I soon realised it was so subtle I was making an entry most days. Then when I read it back as though it was about someone else, I was shocked. Though I couldn't get horrified when I thought it was only me for some reason.

I hope this helps - the most annoying thing now I've left is that my Ex who is an abusive twunt, is revered and adored by his family and community and new gf.

But lots of people have said to me quietly that they know what he's like (he is a subtle manipulater and user who wears a mask to hide this).

People know underneath, but they just don't want to face it that their friend, colleague or relative is a nasty piece of work.

Most importantly my DC's who witnessed Ex at his worst, both are under no doubt as to what he's really like and maintain a guarded relationship with him.

Good luck!