verbal abuse - what are my options

[Wuffy]

I have been married for 14 years, 2 fab dc and to the outside world a near perfect life. DH is widely regarded as fantastic, kind, caring, empathetic, etc, and indeed he can be all those things. He is also highly educated and very intelligent.
He can also however be controlling, depressive and has fits of anger that can be very frightening.
The anger bursts are comparatively infrequent - once every 3 months perhaps - and start and finish very suddenly and often for no apparent reason. When they happen however it is as if he is a totally different person; the only word I can use to describe him is psychotic.
He rarely uses physical violence (although he has done - pushing, grabbing, bruising), but is verbally extremely abusive - I am sick, evil, a fucking bitch, I have made his life a misery, I am disgusting, I make him feel physically ill, he wishes I would kill myself, how much abuse does he have to give me before I will leave and get out of his life etc.
Leaving is not an option as far as I am concerned; I would do if I thought that either I or the children were in danger, but to be honest I don't think we are and think that if there is a danger it would be greater if I did leave.
But what other steps can I take? He does have counselling of a sort already (although not specifically for this) and is well aware of the effect that all this is having on me so I'm not sure that further counselling / marriage guidance would make any long term difference to his behaviour.
I feel so stupid, so trapped and so powerless; if this was happening to anyone else I would tell them to get out - but for all sorts of reasons it really is not an option, and because of who my husband is, I doubt if anyone would believe me if I told them what really happens.
Please help!

I hope you take the time to listen to what has been said above - you won't find better advice anywhere.

If your children are ever present when he loses it then they ARE being abused and hurt and it will affect them in the long term and you are colluding in that abuse by allowing it to continue. I'm sorry, but there it is.

wuffy,

the truth is

you are being severely abused.

Even if it's every three months or more often or less often

you are being severely abused.

We all understand

it is difficult just...to leave

but you can take certain steps..

there is much wonderful advice on here as to what steps those are.

We are here to support you.

Please ring Women's Aid wuffy. Good luck x

Believe me, your dc will not thank you in the long run for staying with such an abusive man.

You could ruin your relationship with them in future years by not taking a stand and protecting them from this man's venom now.

I am still battling with my own mother's betrayal and failure to protect me from my abusive father

Think about the future for you and your dc.

My ex was more emotionally abusive and controlling than verbally abusive, but apart from that I can completely empathise. I stayed for far too long for all the wrong reasons, largely because I was too scared to leave.

Keeping a diary (well hidden) was a real eye opener for me. If you do nothing else, I would recommend that. I think you may realise that it's more frequent than every three months.

I left last July and I have never regretted it for a moment. Women's Aid, my GP (I had to switch because he used my existing GP to try and access my medical information) and the police domestic violence worker where all fantastic. And the four friends who were real friends, the rest were just lifestyle accessories.

Give yourself choices, it's the best thing you can do. I used to read posts such as this one and wonder if I could be one of those people who managed to escape and be happy. I'm living proof that it can happen and it can happen to you.

Wuffy, what do you think your children think / feel about hearing him talk to you this way?

Adults often think that because the dc are upstairs, they don't hear anything that is said. It's not true.

Hope this thread is helping you.

And yes, we are here to support you.

Thank you all for your support.
I am still pretty confused though - I don't know whether I am exaggerating or minimising what is happening (if that makes any sense).
I have ordered a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book (to be delivered to my work address) and will try to find the opportunity tomorrow to ring Womansaid. I am also trying to record the details of incidents so that I can try to identify any patterns / triggers and/or so that I have some evidence if necessary in the future.
I don't think I can talk to anyone openly yet though; my family are not particularly close and most of our friends are mutual friends - so thank you for being the next best thing.

Wuffy,

in addition to the Lundy Bancroft book, I would recommend Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship - how to recognise it & how to respond"

this is the book

It's great to hear that you're taking these steps, wuffy.

I specifically wanted to react to this phrase of yours:

"I can't get the thought out of my head that he might do something to them to get back at me (that's an awful awful thing to type and I have absolutely no basis to suspect that he ever would)."

A year ago, I could have written that. Fear for your children - it's a horrible, horrible way to be controlled. My ex would disappear with our toddler for hours on end - his way of punishing me and keeping me in line. I would read a story in the papers about a father killing his children and feel sick. I would try to imagine how I would go on living in a worst-case scenario.

It's no way to live. 11 months after I left him, things have settled down better than I dared to believe. I'm not free of fear - of course I worry about how my ex treats dd when I'm not there to observe - but he no longer tries to control me with the serious implicit threats of harm to dd.

He only has the power over you that you allow him to have.

you ar enot helping the children by stayig on thi basis and you have the right to not accept abuse. abusers dont abuse 24/7. that is how they get away with it...

please read lundy bancroft - it was my eye opener...and seek counselling for yourself.

reading lundy bancroft adn seeing a counsellor helped me to make the deicsion to get out....like you tehre was a opoint iu was utterly trapped no way forward...

i moved out two eyars ago - he got violent when he got wind of what i was planning - it has been a rollercoaster but definitely for the best.

look at your dcs - are they really hapypy, relaxed, when he is around? or do you all walk on eggshells worry what he will say if you do x or y?

please see someone and start making plans for alternatives, you do need a plan which will enable you to protect your dcs from anything he might do - that is the worst fear - but you cannot stay in this relationship as it is because of that fear.

Good for you wuffy. I doubt very much that you are exaggerating what is happening...there is no way to exaggerate or make too much of someone calling you evil, a fucking bitch, wishing you would kill yourself etc.

What happens the next time he rages?

Throws things? What about that nice shiny kitchen knife? Hey why just throw it, lets USE it instead.

Where will your children be then?

Yes, you must leave.

It really won't get any better. Don't let yourself and your children suffer for a man who knows exactly what he is doing. He won't change. Ever.

And you are suffering abuse, he's threatening you and it's really as simple as that.

It's not just about the time he rages, it's all the rest of the time you spend walking on eggshells waiting for it to happen again and getting over the last time he did it. It's a cycle. It's the tool he is using to control you. Just when you think it's getting better he goes for it again. And justifies himself by thinkig 'well I don't hit her'.

But it's aload of bollocks because I've been there and when you are finally out of this relationship you will realise you were only living half your life because this man was overshadowing every aspect of your waking (and often sleeping) day.

Best of luck and leave him quickly and quietly.

I am currently leaving my husband for doing exactly that. He was holding my 20 month dd at the time. I told him there and then it was over and have found a flat to rent. It will be tough financially but I do not want my dd thinking it is ok to be treated like that - you deserve better