DP lies over drinking, smoking, everything - pls help

[SquirrelSnuffler]

DP lies constantly and has done ever since we met. Silly things or big things he lies. We have dd of 3 months and my dd his step dd of 5 years. He hates confrontation (his mum was a bit mad when he was a child) and I'm quite volatile (but calm down quickly).

Recently lies have been round smoking and drinking. We gave up smoking for good when trying to conceive. He has come in lots of times from work stinking of fags and sucking mints. Lies over and over again when confronted. Gets to the point where I say 'look, you and i both know this is bullshit so lets skip the next hour of your denials and you just admit it.' He usually does then.

Same with alcohol. When we met (and I didn't find this out till v recently) he was drinking a bottle of wine and at least 8 pints on his own and didn't even seem remotely drunk. This was at least 3 nights a week. Over the past years months we have had empty cans hidden under the sofa, in the car, in the outside bin , in cupboards etc. Or he'd buy 8 cans, drink 4 in front of me then drink the other 4 (that I knew nothing about) when I'd gone to bed. I don't really drink so don't know what's normal. He doesn't have to have a drink but once hes had one he can't seem to stop.

Last night I realised that he'd been drink driving (had had two pints of strong lager in 30mins). Its my car and more importantly I think drink driving is disgraceful. We had massive row.

30 mins ago he took some of our joint money to go out with the kids with and I asked him why he needed it as he'd taken some at the start of the week. He finally admitted because he'd bought fags on Monday.

Then as he was going to the shop in the car with the children I said 'don't leave them in the car when you go in' (not thinking he actually would as I found out ages ago he'd done it once with my five year old and I went mad). DD pipes up 'He always leaves me in the car when we go to the shops'.

This isn't really giving the full flavour of what's happening, but I would say he lies to my face on average once a week, every week. I now can't trust him at all. Each time he gets found out he says he's sorry and he'll never do it gain etc but then he always does. He says me and the children are his life but the stress from this is so bad, mixed with my pnd, that I've just started taking valium and going to bed. I can't live like a detective all the time, sniffing him, checking everything he says, trying to catch him out, its exhausting and I'm crying as I type this.

He has said in the past that because I've got degree/v good job etc and he hasn't (he earns less than half my wages) that he does it to sort of feel that he knows something I don't, to try to get the 'upper hand'. The car and the house are both mine and in my sole name, I bought before I met him. Doesn't bother me a jot but he seems to feel bad about it.

Can this be saved? We tried counselling but he lied to the counsellor! I really don't want to split up from my dd's dad and my dd's step dad. Sorry so long.

Hmmm. Normally I would say that lying is very very bad, and that I wouldn't put up with this sort of behaviour. But......you kind of seem controlling,(my house, my car, questioning what he wants money for) so I can see a little bit why he is not forthcoming with the truth. It must be stressful!

He is an adult. He IS allowed to smoke if he wants. And drink . Of course if the family budget can't stand these things then a discussion needs to be had. It seems from the post that you are in "charge" - of the money, the house, the money, what he does and doesn't do, because he earns less money than you.

I do not condone his behaviour one little bit, but it doesn't sound like a very equal partnership. You are a FAMILY now. He shouldn't have to sneak around, and you shouldn't have to be spying on him either.

I do speak a bit from personal experience - DH and I had issues when we first got together. I had house, car, good job etc. He was on a temporary contract. He felt a bit insecure and we used have awful rows about stupid things. We worked it out though.

Have to add, that the level of drinking might be a problem - and obviously drink driving is never right, but yelling at him about it all the time will not make this better. it will only serve to drive it underground.

well after a lying ex partner and a relationship based on his eyes.i would say get rid!!! it wears you down...lifes too bloody short

eyes? i did mean lies!!

You don't need therapy as a couple, he needs therapy on his own. If a counsellor was daft enough not to see through his lies, then he needs a different one. The biggest problem is one of control. He feels that by having a secret he has the upper hand in a relationship that to outward appearances, looks unequal in your favour. This is deep rooted and needs therapy.

As you imagine, little deceits usually turn into big ones and it is clear that he has an addictive personality.

However, unless you think he is an alcoholic and is spending too much money from the family budget on booze and fags, these are perfectly legal activities that you cannot and should not control. You can insist he doesn't put you or the DCs at risk while indulging and that he funds these habits at no cost to you or the DCs, but you cannot force him to stop either of them. Don't become his mother.

You have the right to insist on safety and financial security. But you don't have the right to make someone stop doing adult activities, unless you are prepared to vote with your feet and leave him.

Portofino - that's very interesting, I am a bit of a control freak -I have ocd. And it is a very unequal relationship. The reason everything is 'mine' if you like is because dd one is not his so I want her to have everything should I die, does that make any sense? Probably not

Thing is I've tried to be reasonable and I've said lots of times -Fine if you want to smoke just tell me and don't lie! Ive said 'Have the courage of your convictions, if you want to do something you think I won't like then just tell me you're doing it!' but he won't. I've even tried reacting really calmly when he's admitted things and sort of 'thanked him for telling me' and I've tried to react better than I would if I'd just found out, as a sort of incentive for him just to have a normal conversation with me but nothing works

You are so right re driving it underground - he just tells me he won't do it then sneaks around.

The family budget will not stand smoking. DRinking possibly but he can't seem to have one without having 8. Can you be alcoholic even if you don't have to drink all the time?

Three - I would, trust me, but we have the children together

Oh lovely girl... my little rant about DH seems silly now in comparison

As soon as I saw what you wrote about the bottle of wine and 8 pints I thought it was a lot - I asked DH if he thought it was and he said he would be legless drinking that. Sounds like binge drinking, even the 8 cans on their own is a lot.

Drink driving with anyone in the car (let alone little ones) is just dangerous and could have horrific consequences although you and I know this.

I would never question though why DH has drawn money out or him me though and if it is to buy cigarettes, then I think you are just going to have to let him smoke - he is a grown up.

Maybe stop trying to catch him out?

WWIFN - Was hoping you'd turn up,I've seen your very sensible advice before.

Its interesting what you say, I'm actually losing all 'desire' for him because I do feel like his mother and like he's a naughty little school boy. Not attractive.

I don't want him to smoke because of the money, health and we've got a 3 month old so wouldn't want it on his clothes.

I don't much bother about him drinking but this is probably the 100th time he's been drink driving (I only just found out how much he'd been having on his weekly out playing footie with the lads thing - he has 2 pints strong lager in about 20/30 mins so am assuming this is over the limit). He's also picked me up in the car WITH OUR DD after he'd been drinking (two pints tht time - am I anal about this? What's acceptable to drink and drive?).

The relationship is not equal at all. We don't have joint accounts and I basically pay all bills / food / going out / clothing, toys, essentials for dds / school fees / mortgage and he gives me £700 a month 'rent'. Oh and he pays for petrol (sometimes).

Are there any books like the one that's always being recommended after infidelity but for our circumstances?

That's another thing I haven't mentioned, the infidelity...

Parts of my 'relationship' with my ex were exactly like this. He would tell me that he had given up smoking, but would then have to keep 'nipping out' to the shop for something, always coming back stinking of fags, claiming that he'd 'walked past' someone who was smoking. After months of me telling/asking him to stop lying to me I gave up and accepted that he was never going to admit he was still smoking. (He was the one who said he wanted to give up btw, not me making him. I actually hated it when he didn't smoke as he is a heavy pot smoker and when he hadn't had a smoke he was even more intimidating & had a real threat of becomig violent when he wasn't stoned).

Sorry I'm going off on a tangent here, but he lied to me (and to himself) about smoking & drinking. You say you don't trust him, and imo if you can't trust the person you're in a relationship with, what's the point? It's not a new thing that he's lying to you about it, and is obviously affecting the family finances. Due to xp's drinking, smoking & drug taking our mortgage regulalry bounced, even though we were earning enough each month to pay the mortgage 4 times over. I paid off debt after debt after debt of his, eventually transferred all his debts into my name so he couldn't run any more up, I am now bankrupt because of this. On top of that I had to sell my house, losing £37k in the process.

Yes, my story is an extreme, but unfortunately not extreme enough, it's an all too common scenario that people find themselves in.

Bella - you made me cry again poppet. I think its just so horrible, every day I am like a detective, trying to tell from what he says whether he's lying or not. If he says something that doesn't sound 'right' it brings back all the other times he's lied and I start feeling sick and just want to go to bed and hide under the covers. I've started having panic attacks and I just don't know what to do.

He lies about everything, not just fags and booze, car insurance, where his old car went (he sold it for scrap, told me it was at the garage for repairs), lots of bad debts, day I came home from hospital after having dd 14 weeks ago, was to a letter from a debt collection agency wanting £1000.

The money question was because I knew he must have spent it on fags, was just trying to see if he'd tell the truth. Although actually I do question him about money - what's spent and so on, I thought it was normal

Can you divvy up the finances a bit. Agree what is a fair amount for each of you to have as spending money each week (assuming you have that luxury). It's up to him then what he spends it on. See if that makes a difference? Then maybe address the drinking. I hadn't clocked that the wine and beer was all in the same session!

You say he lies and has always done so

He won't change so either put up with it or show him the door

Re your 2nd post.

Yes, you can be dependancy on alcohol without needed to 'wake up & have a bottle of vodka'. If he has to drink when he's alone, then there's a dependancy, if he's hiding it from you then he must know that it's wrong.

Also, having children does not mean you have to stay together. I'm not saying split up, although that's what it sounds like I'm saying, but consider your options. Try and look at your relationship from an outsiders pov.

Aah - sorry it seems much worse than the OP suggested. Maybe scrap my suggestions....

RaceyLacey - your story is almost exactly the same as mine with my exh (except the pot, god knows what exh spent our cash on) which is why I'm a bit control freaky with the money this time round. I am also if you like 'super sensitive' to stories not addding up.

My DP used the 'walked past someone who was smoking' one too. That's another thing that annoys me - how stupid does he think I am?

Actually I am very stupid as I've chosen two dishonest men and married one and had a child with both. Must have 'gullible' on my head

EldonAve - I so hope that's not true, I really do hope he can change, he says he wants to (for the 70th time this year).

Re your comment:-

"I really don't want to split up from my dd's dad and my dd's step dad. Sorry so long".

What are you getting out of this relationship with the manchild?. You must be getting something out of it surely because you're still hanging on in there.

What are you teaching the children here about relationships?.

Actually I would ask that question of you - what did you learn exactly from your own parents about relationships?. You need to properly address your own role here within this overall dysfunction you're now in. You now have two children to consider as well as you.

Re him and continual promises to change I would only say that actions speak louder than words. All he has done to date is pay lip service to the problem. It will be forever so.

No trust - no relationship

The general rule of thumb is that you can only have AT THE ABSOLUTE MOST two units of alcohol before you'll be over the limit. That's ONE pint of WEAK lager. I couldn't even have that (not that I ever drink anything if I'm to be driving) because I'm small. So your DP has definitely been drink driving numerous times. Which is incredibly stupid.

Oh, heck, I've been trying to make myself not post on your thread - because I can't say what you want

Your relationship sounds awful. You seem mistrustful and controlling; he's an untrustworthy alcoholic. And what's all this with the throwaway comment about infidelity??

Sweetheart, what you've got here isn't so much a marriage as the injured leading the maimed. You'd almost certainly benefit from getting yourself in front of a decent counsellor.

Meerkat Manor round here

I was just thinking that through Attila. He is incredibly good with the dcs, when this crap isn't going on I would say we are best friends. Actually this crap is always going on, so I would say around and outside this crap we are best friends. We enjoy each others company. We pull together and love each other (again, outside this crap).

As for my own parent's, well I've posted before on the Stately Homes thread (under diff id) so that should give you a clue. My mum stayed at home, my dad worked and earned themoney. Came home to tea on table,very traditional. Women 'prattled on' etc. I respected my father and thought my mum was stupid

Amelia - thank you, thought it was around that. He's ex rugby and all friends are, he is massive - 16 odd stone, 6'3, but all his friends are big drinkers (and surprisingly all still single at nearly 40, gosh).

Grace - crying again, probably because you're right. (by the way do I 'know' you normally?). I'm suffering quite badly from pnd and ocd at the moment so am probably not quite rational.

The infidelity. We met through a dating website. We both carried on talking to others. He also went on dates (but didn't tell me - fair enough). When our relationship became more ahem, established, we talked and decided it was exclusive.

Fast forward 4 months and I'd introduced him to dd for the first time. Anyway, couple weeks later I found loads of emails from him to other women and back to him from a different dating site going back to start of our relationship. I went mad, they were him saying he hadn't 'met the right one yet' and
other 'tell me about yourself' crap. Big row - he said sorry he'd just got addicted to the rush of chatting online, never wanted to take it further etc. He'd been 'silly' would never do it again.

It came out over the next, ooh 3 years bit by bit that actually he carried on doing it till at least 8 months into our relationship, that with two of them there had been texting as well as emails and with both of them he'd actually arranged meet ups but had cancelled. (I know, I know, but I saw the emails from both saying why had he cancelled and why wasn't he returned texts etc now). Broke my heart. Whenever I'd expressed suspicion he'd said I was imagining it. And each time he admitted anything he only admitted up to what I knew. It started a pattern in our relationship, I asked him say 15 times, he'd say no, then on the 16th he'd finally admit it.

Why did I stay? I depended on him to help me with dd1, I had a really full on job, she loved him totally, i couldnt bear to take him away from her after her father had left us. I know those are wank reasons but to be honest I met him about 2 months after my husband left and I don't think I was mentally in a good place.

That all said, we are where we are. ie two children who love both of us, so is there any way of rather than kicking him to the kerb we can get it back on track (and me sort my controlling ways too)?

It sounds a crazy relationship & you don't sound like a family at all. Bizarre the idea of your partner paying you 'rent' & the house and car are in your name (unless he also has a car in his name). Once you become a family & are having children together then I think things should be joint unless there are special circumstance (e.g. late marriage with children from a previous relationship etc.).

However, having said that he does sound like he has a drink problem and drink drive, well that's totally disgusting. Of course you are worried about your DD in the car but what about everyone else who he could encounter on the road? I know he is responsible for his own actions but if you know he is drink driving, do nothing & he kills or injures someone how would you feel?

Echo what the others say, what are you getting out of this relationship?

Lady - I have a child from a previous marriage therefore everything is in my name so that it goes to her if anything happens to me.

Drink driving - I agree, I only found out last night that he'd been having 2 pints of strong lager in such a short time frame. Disgusting.

But thing is, if I say he can't drink that's me being his mother, but I know if he has one he'll have two, so what to do?

this man sounds like bad news. the smoking is in the zone of things that can be overlooked/compromised on (the actual smoking not the lying)- the drinking and to a lesser degree the infidelity are far more concerning. It's not normal to hide your empties, full stop. Or to drink drive. My DH reckons that 1/2 hour after 1 pint of normal strength would be risky for driving.....

sounds like you are going through a difficult time as well, with the pnd/ocd. are you getting any proper help for that?

maybe worth you looking at al-anon website or phoning their helpline for advice re:drinking, so you don't fall into trap of mothering him/enabling him.