DP lies over drinking, smoking, everything - pls help

[SquirrelSnuffler]

DP lies constantly and has done ever since we met. Silly things or big things he lies. We have dd of 3 months and my dd his step dd of 5 years. He hates confrontation (his mum was a bit mad when he was a child) and I'm quite volatile (but calm down quickly).

Recently lies have been round smoking and drinking. We gave up smoking for good when trying to conceive. He has come in lots of times from work stinking of fags and sucking mints. Lies over and over again when confronted. Gets to the point where I say 'look, you and i both know this is bullshit so lets skip the next hour of your denials and you just admit it.' He usually does then.

Same with alcohol. When we met (and I didn't find this out till v recently) he was drinking a bottle of wine and at least 8 pints on his own and didn't even seem remotely drunk. This was at least 3 nights a week. Over the past years months we have had empty cans hidden under the sofa, in the car, in the outside bin , in cupboards etc. Or he'd buy 8 cans, drink 4 in front of me then drink the other 4 (that I knew nothing about) when I'd gone to bed. I don't really drink so don't know what's normal. He doesn't have to have a drink but once hes had one he can't seem to stop.

Last night I realised that he'd been drink driving (had had two pints of strong lager in 30mins). Its my car and more importantly I think drink driving is disgraceful. We had massive row.

30 mins ago he took some of our joint money to go out with the kids with and I asked him why he needed it as he'd taken some at the start of the week. He finally admitted because he'd bought fags on Monday.

Then as he was going to the shop in the car with the children I said 'don't leave them in the car when you go in' (not thinking he actually would as I found out ages ago he'd done it once with my five year old and I went mad). DD pipes up 'He always leaves me in the car when we go to the shops'.

This isn't really giving the full flavour of what's happening, but I would say he lies to my face on average once a week, every week. I now can't trust him at all. Each time he gets found out he says he's sorry and he'll never do it gain etc but then he always does. He says me and the children are his life but the stress from this is so bad, mixed with my pnd, that I've just started taking valium and going to bed. I can't live like a detective all the time, sniffing him, checking everything he says, trying to catch him out, its exhausting and I'm crying as I type this.

He has said in the past that because I've got degree/v good job etc and he hasn't (he earns less than half my wages) that he does it to sort of feel that he knows something I don't, to try to get the 'upper hand'. The car and the house are both mine and in my sole name, I bought before I met him. Doesn't bother me a jot but he seems to feel bad about it.

Can this be saved? We tried counselling but he lied to the counsellor! I really don't want to split up from my dd's dad and my dd's step dad. Sorry so long.

SS - sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry.

I have just come back from a walk and I have just read about the infidelity

This man has got no respect for you and tbh it doesn't sound like he ever will.

Its funny you should say about not being his mother... DH went on a weekend away where he needed his dinner suit. It had been in the wardrobe since last year and the shirt could have done with freshening up imo being stuck in the bag all this time. Anyhow, I was wittling on to my mother on the phone about how it had got to Thursday and he was going away the next day and he hadn't even got the dinner suit out of the wardrobe to check there were no spillages from last year etc etc and I said to her "well I am not doing it because I feel like I am his mother getting his clothes ready he is big enough to look after his own suit" - I could just so tell from the tone of her voice that she thought I was in the wrong.

Your DP is not a little boy anymore, he has shared responsibilities and he needs to grow up.

I think, once a liar always a liar and imo you would be better off on your own for the time being. You are going to tie yourself further into knots with all this and make yourself worse if you carry on.

I was in your postiton and it is sanity ruining to live like this

i would say for now, safe guard you money, your possessions and your daughter, and don't ever assume that what he's saying is true.

BUT

let it go. It's ok if he lies, because you don't believe him anyway. Work under the assumption that he is lying, for now, and just do what you would have done if the decision was all yo9urs.

meanwhile, look at counselling again (try relate) but I'll warn you - this behavior pattern put me on antidepressents and split my ex and me up.

Squirrel, whatever you do keep everything in your name. If this relationship ends your assets will be safe.

It sounds to me as if you have the role of Mother and he is the teenager rebelling against you. He doesn't seem able to cope with the inequality of earning power, so he asserts his independence by lying and "disobeying" you. His drinking does sound addictive. He says he was addicted to dating sites too. He does like deceiving you, doesn't he. You now have 3 children, except the other 2 will grow up. Sorry, but he is using you. Like a parent you provide everything for him, so he is free to be the child. Why should he grow up?

I really feel for you, big hugs. I have made a total mess of my life, and hope you won't ruin yours.

Hmm, from the OP I would have given him a chance - now I am not so sure. How old is he if you don't mind me asking?

Hi Total and Bella - just reading everyone's replies is giving me a shock I knew things were bad but not quite 'how bad' if you see what I mean.

Total - I'm on ADs for the pnd and self medicating with valium each night (diazepam). You should know how up and down I am I'm on the same thread as you, usually talking about rubber

Pronoia - That's exactly it, sanity ruining. I don't know whether I'm going mad or he's lying and each time he denies something and I suspect him I hate him a little bit more. He was hugging me earlier when I was crying and I just thought 'Who the fuck are you to hug me when you've caused this???' I'm getting so eaten up with bitterness and hate. Crying again now, what the fuck is wrong with me? No one from my RL would recognise me right now, I hardly ever cry, in fact I am known as being quite hard I'm not though

The only mitigating factors I can think of are that his dad died just before we met and just before he started the heavy drinking. His mum is totally insane and is vile to him. And he is truly lovely with both dds, dd1 loves him to pieces.

Baggy - I already have made a mess, two children by two different men, both total liars. I'm ashamed and scared and can't leave because I just can't be a single mother again and I can't do this to my dd1 who loves him totally.

Portofino - 37. BUT, he's been into sports all his life and there's a big gang of them all go out and they all drink loads (he walks home on these occasions) and nearly all are single. Utter lads. All play playstation 3 online together etc. His one friend, going back quite a few years mind, videotaped a woman and him having sex (without her knowledge or consent) and then played it to 'the lads' when they went round for beers. Is it just me or is that totally sick and weird?? I'm trying to say he hasn't had the greatest influences in his life.

Since meeting me he's gone from out every night (they used to all go straight to the pub every night after work for a pint, really strange) to going out once a week playing sport (with drink in pub after) and maybe once every two months a big night out.

I'm clutching at straws here aren't I?

Sorry for all the over sharing by the way, I'm trying to out share Malifience and yes I do use humour to deflect from pain.

I thought it might be you but didn't like to guess iyswim. Yes he may play nicely with the kids and all that but sounds like he's almost literally driving you mad, I think to get the "great dad" award you need the whole package - i.e. treating the mam with respect etc.

practically speaking - I think Pronoia is right in terms of finding a strategy to get through day to day life - as it's terribly easy to say leave him etc - but with pnd and a young baby you are unlikely to feel up to major upheaval.

Total - exactly, I just don't feel up to it. Know I probably should though.

Once a week with the lads is reasonable. Not sure the rest of it is.

He needs a kick up the arse and he MIGHT possibly be redeemable. Sounds like you are not in the best place to do this though right now. Other's will have much better suggestions on what to do next I think...

Hi SS
Sorry I hadn't realised how bad things were.

I think it sounds as if your DP needs to talk to someone over the loss of his Father, perhaps his relationship with his Mother, too.

I used to lie to my DH about smoking, because I was ashamed, because I didn't want him to think bad of me.

I also think it must be hard for him to be the lesser power in the relationship, doesn't give him the right to act like a total dick, but it sounds like he is quite a lad, he probably gets ribbed about it, must damage his pride.

Not trying to stick up for your DP, just trying to look at things from a different perspective, I'd be wearing his balls for earrings if he drank and drive again, btw

Lizzy - my RL best friend who is the only one of my friends who knows all the ins and outs in RL says that DP has a heart of gold but is just bloody stupid. Not in a malicious or nasty way, just in a totally selfish twatty way, if you see what I mean.

Agree re speaking to someone, his father died and so did several grandparents within months of ech other and then there was some pretty nasty family scandal and then his mother went mad, took up with some dodgy bloke,sold family home, gave said dodgy bloke £80,000 etc etc.

Portofino - I hope so

I want to hug you and make it all better

I make a point of not trying to identify namechangers or look at back threads, but I get that you're aware of issues in your own life and are trying to manage things as best you can. Which is more, I'm afraid, than could be said for your man. No wonder he's great with kids, he's the same emotional age as them!!

I just don't see how you're going to continue with getting yourself better, when there's such a lot of rubbish going on around you at home. At the start of your thread, I thought you were weird to be keeping all the material assets to yourself, but now I feel it's the only sane approach in your circumstances. Sure, it's not great for his ego - but, if he weren't already screwed up, the issues wouldn't exist would they?

Nobody should have to parent/monitor/control their partner. It's unhealthy for you and it's not very good for him, either. It's certainly not an encouraging prospect as an environment for bringing up children. This must be immensely difficult for you.

Your DP sounds quite sweet and I'd probably like him if I met him in the pub - but that simply isn't enough to make a worthwhile partner, lover and parent. You deserve better. Everybody does. I hope you can find a way to keep yourself on an even keel while you get your baby settled - are you still seeing your counsellor? Are you satisfied with them? I feel you need more support than you have at present ... and wish I could find it for you.

good post Grace, completely agree.

you say you have children together...as a reason to stay...well what are you teaching them? what are they seeing?

ItsGrace - crying again, but thank you that is so nice of you. I'm going to head to bed in a minute the lying shitbag has just come back in (and admitted to more stuff, just usual stuff really - yes has been drinking 2 pints everytime plays football,yes has left dd in car 4 times apparently while went to shop) and I think I'm going to do him real physical harm if i don't go upstairs and out of his way.

I think I need to go back to my counsellor, haven't seen them since before moley was born. I feel like I'm going mad. He keeps saying he won't do it again but he just does. Actions speak louder than words - in that case he thinks I'm shit on his shoe. So depressing that I actually think this reltsionship is over and i'm so scared about that. But, you know what,i coped last time and i'll cope this time.

Thank you all for your support. Will be back tomorrow. x

Sounds like an alcoholic.

Assume he is and start acting accordingly - don't bother waiting for him to admit it.

dont let the alcoholic liar drink driver take your car keys.

Can he pay maybe just one of the bills? might be a bit late if hes out the door already

Sounds alot like my DH. My DH has lied to me about everything from his ex, his past, his finances and his personal activities.

I don't trust him, I don't trust a word he says. He could look me in the eye and say to me "I SWEAR, I am not having an affair" and my response would be "Whatever".

Because I really don't care anymore. How can you possibly care when you never get the truth anyway? it's a waste of personal time and strengh to overthink what he could be doing all the time because I'll never know what is REALLY going on.

Hence why I'm considering divorce.

You can never trust a liar. And there is no relationship without trust.

Enchilada - your post just exactly summed up how I feel, exactly .

I've got to the point where I just say 'yeah sure' because to believe again and then find out it was all lies sgain would just destroy me. Its easier to put a 'whatever' wall up and then I can't be so broken hearted when i found out what he actually did.

He's lied about all sorts, who he's texted and when (wtf - mates i mean not women), who invited us to a party (don't ask), that what he was drinking was non alcoholic when it wasn't, he shat himself when i (totally unthinking) asked for a sip because i was thirsty.

We talked again last night,many tears etc but actually I've just heard it all before. I'm so depressed I cry all the time.

I read him some of WWIFN's posts from other threads about how as he broke the trust he needs to rebuild it and do anything to make me feel better. He seemed to understand. But there again we've been here so many times before.

He's exactly the same. He once told me he had a hospital apointment. Fair enough ... but then he told me he'd cancelled it as he couldn't make it ... ok ... then a few days later he says "good job I never cancelled that apointment as I can make it now!" wtf?? why lie? such a pointless lie about cancelling an apointment, it just doesn't make any sense.

What did you have for lunch DH? "I had a pasta salad" oh ok ... then I find a receipt to say he'd had a chicken sandwich ... why??? what is the point? It drives me nuts just thinking about it.

I don't want to waste my energy on it anymore. As you said, you could believe one thing just to be let down yet again and the cycle continues for years before eventually, you assume he IS lying until you find evidence to prove he's telling the truth! It just all goes full circle in the end. Very boring eventually. I look forward to the day when I can have a trustful, respectful relationship. I very much doubt that will be with DH.

Enchilda I read your first post to my DP to try to explain how I felt. He seems to understand and he's said he will quit drinking totally. The other aspects are still to be talked about, I'm still not really feeling that hes really understanding the devastation hes caused, hes acting more like a teenager who's been caught by their mum

I just don't know what to do because its such a shame, he is a really lovely man in other respects honestly, but this is killing any love i had for him.

I'm becoming really snide and bitter too, keep making nasty comments about 'your lips are moving therefore you're lying' type stuff but all the time.

You are so right re the energy wasting. I spend so much mental energy either trying to catch him out or trying to work out why, just why do it??

Thing is my exh was exactly the same but evil on top so I think I just pick them like it. I always used to pick the ripped teddy in a toystore when a child so as to 'save it', and when we had cats always picked the 'ugly' one because i couldnt bare for it to be left behind. Lost cause city here

Squirrel - you could be me! I used to spend so much time trying to catch him lying it was ridiculous. One day I spent HOURS rummaging through files, letters and receipts to try and prove something I had conjured up in my head because he makes me THAT paranoid. I had the mindset that he was ALWAYS upto something and EVERYTHING he said was a lie and I became obsessed with catching him out and proving myself right. Unfortunately, I proved myself right far too often. Another thing has come up now with a gambling site he recently joined in secret which he doesn't know I'm aware of yet. If this had been a few months ago, I would be going crazy searching for info on it, asking leading questions, trying to trip him up but as it is, I'm not all that bothered or suprised this time. I had a little search of the car last night and that's as far as I've gone.

For what it's worth, I think you sound lovely I too have always tried to rescue the pittyfull whether it was animals, toys or humans ... the animals appreciate it a lot more than the other two

Lol, you two, another one here [rolls eyes]

Sorry this is a bit of a Stately Homes type post ... I spent all my time & effort on renovating tatty homes, along with choosing partners and friends I felt I could "help" - and still have the last in a long line of neurotic cats, which I rescued from homes that didn't want them.

Finally figured out that I was doing all this rescuing because I really wanted to rescue myself
I am now my own restoration project!!