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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband has child with other woman

37 replies

0124oconn · 16/04/2010 13:11

I have managed to confirm what I always suspected after finding a photo of a girl with my husband. We have been toghether for 16 years - married 10 with no children. He had an affair several years ago and we seem to have rebuilt everything but finding this photo means I can't continue to bury my head in the sand and pretend that everthing is OK. I want my marriage to work but it obviously is not and I am sick of being lied to. Anyone got any advice.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 16/04/2010 13:16

Ask him outright to explain the photo.

LisaD1 · 16/04/2010 13:18

Agree with SoupDragon, ask him, you can't guess.

Karmann · 16/04/2010 13:35

You really have no choice but to ask him. Once you know the truth come back here and we will do what we can to help if it turns out to be his child. Good luck.

mumblechum · 16/04/2010 13:41

What made you suspicious in the first place? Sorry you're going through this, it must be awful.

If it is true, would you support him having a relationship with his daughter?

Original poster

0124oconn · 16/04/2010 13:51

I came across a mortgage application which he denied making. I have also seen a suspicious address coming up and have been tempted to go to the house to find out exactly what was up. The girl is 4-5yrs, looks like him and there is a card with it to "daddy". I am afraid that if I confront it he will simply deny it is his and i will be back to square one.

OP posts:

mumblechum · 16/04/2010 13:53

Well, if you know the address you could find out who lives there from the electoral roll.

SoupDragon · 16/04/2010 13:55

If you know the address you can see who is named on the title deeds at the Land Registry.

Original poster

0124oconn · 16/04/2010 13:57

Its quite possible that this did happen several years ago, the relationship is over and he is doing his best to keep everyone happy otherwise why is he still with me. we don't have children so other than losing 16 years together, what other reason is there. Regarding the address, I have lost this, but it will probably show up again.

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/04/2010 13:58

He had an affair, has applied for a mortgage for another property and keeps photos of a 5 year old girl who looks like him, and you know he had an affair?

Er.

Yes.

So he has another child, and has been in touch with (and financially supporting) the OW for all of these years. Which is the honourable thing to do actually, but how could he be doing this and not telling you?

Sit down and talk to him. If he denies, you need to say that since there is a known affair several years ago, you need to have X Y and Z made transparent to you in order to carry on. Don't let him turn it on you 'oh if you loved me' etc. Decide what you need from him to carry on, be calm about it and if he can't provide it, that's your answer.

Trikken · 16/04/2010 14:12

was the photo hidden away? could it be a relative somehow?

Original poster

0124oconn · 16/04/2010 14:17

it was in a coat pocket with tickets for a day out. it is over a year old which says how long it took me to find it. It is definately not a relative.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 16/04/2010 14:20

Sounds like you will need to dig a little more!

Bank statements?

Trikken · 16/04/2010 14:21

or a friend's child maybe?

Original poster

0124oconn · 16/04/2010 14:27

I was expecting everyone to say "Get Rid of him", but I am suprised that no one has said this.

OP posts:

Original poster

0124oconn · 16/04/2010 14:28

Forgot to say that i have invested 16 years with him since I was 21 which is why I am struggling.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 16/04/2010 14:29

Bloody hell, you can't live with a mystery like this lurking around the house. I agree with tortoise. And don't take bullshit, just calmly insist. Ask for precise details about the little girl, her name, address & phone number. He's your husband fgs - all his relationships are your business.

How will you feel if/when it turns out he does have a little family on the side?? Or, otoh, it turns out he's 'adopted' a little girl for some other reason?

SolidGoldBrass · 16/04/2010 14:32

He may be trying to 'do the decent thing' by this child. It may not even be the case that he is her father, it could be something like, child was fathered by a friend of his who has died or something and he is helping but keeping it quiet from you.
But now you know there is something going on, you need to know what, exactly. Because you can't and mustn't decide what to do next without having as much information as possible.
GOod luck.

LisaD1 · 16/04/2010 14:33

OP-Nobody will say get rid of him without knowing the full story. 16yrs is a long time and at the least he should have the opportunity to explain the situation.

thehillsarealive · 16/04/2010 14:34

0124 - people wont just say 'get rid' until they have more details and information, then they might...

Why dont you ask him outright who it is and why he has kept it hidden? Is there a reason you dont have children together - and I dont mean that in any way apart from nosiness after 16 years together, so please dont take offense.

Do you want to be part of this childs life? Do you need to know for your marriage to work? Can you forgive the deceit?

Original poster

0124oconn · 16/04/2010 14:50

Reason for lack of children is that he had affir, sex life nosedived. I dont have a big issue with not having children other than it might have been nice but thats it. I don't want to be part of this child life especially when we don't.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/04/2010 14:53

contrary to popular belief, the knee jerk reaction on here isn't "get rid of him"

best case scenario...this child is his, he has been supporting her but lied to you all along in a misguided attempt to "protect" you and make his marriage work after the affair

worst case, well...you don't need me to tell you that

however, you don't know your arse from your elbow at the moment

you have to speak to him and insist on the truth

I would be saying if I didn't get full disclosure, then yes, there would be no chance for me and him

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/04/2010 15:03

He had this affair 5-6 years ago, your sex life nosedived to the point where you don't have children because of the lack of sex?

So you wanted children, but after his affair didn't want sex? And this has stayed the case for half a decade?

Quite apart from this other child, that's massive. If your sex life hasn't recovered, and the affair has had such far reaching effects, then your relationship is hopelessly compromised.

Plus your OP says "always suspected" about this child. So the trust has never returned.

Why are you two together?

Joolyjoolyjoo · 16/04/2010 15:09

I was in a similar situation a few months after meeting DH. he had neglected to mention that he had a child, who he saw and supported, from a previous relationship, as he thought it would "scare me off" (to be fair, I had told him I wouldn't be keen to date a guy with children- was younger and more opinionated then!)

I became suspicious, based on a few "I've got to go and help my granny move furniture" type excuses (!) Had no real evidence, but when I confronted him, I let on I knew all- he demanded to know who I had been talking to in his home town on a recent visit (actually, I found her name etc in his address book , but wasn't going to tell him that!) Every time he tried to make up a story that didn't ring true I raised my eyebrows further and said "Really? That's the version you're going to go with is it? Unless you tell me what I know (bit of exaggeration, knew nothing!) right now I will walk" He panicked, thinking I knew everything and spilled the whole story. From there we eventually managed to work it out ,although I did take a bit of a time out from the relationship to think about the implications of him having a child- I felt I had to be able to accept the fact that one day she might come to live with us, be part of our family etc, and make sure I knew I could deal with that, even if for some reason we couldn't have children. It's a big deal, no doubt about it, but we did sort it out and are now married with 3 dc. Sadly, relations between he and his ex have soured big style and we have no contact with his dd, although he still supports her financially I would actually prefer that we did have her in our lives, as I know it hurts him and hurts me to think that she might think her father doesn't want to know, but that's the way it is.

I would say that before you challenge your DH you take some time to consider about how YOU feel about this child, if it IS his. Can you welcome her into your house? Can you get by the fact that he may be a father? I know it is hard when you love someone, but if the child IS his then there is no point thinking you can turn a blind eye to her and carry on as before, I reckon.

Good luck if and when you decide to challenge him about it- challenge confidently and as if you know more than you do!

Original poster

0124oconn · 16/04/2010 15:09

I have asked the same question.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/04/2010 15:12

just seen the update...you don't have dc because of sex life deteriorating post affair ?

but he is keeping the child of an affair secret from you ?

ok, time to stop wasting your life with this man

move on

< jerks knee very strongly >

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