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Original poster

What IS he spending all his money on??

37 replies

GoldenCoral · 15/04/2010 14:27

DP and I have a mutual agreement on the finances that anything comes IN gets split straight down the middle. We both pay the same ammount of bills and both have, in theory the exact same ammount of disposable money at the end of the week.
What I don't understand is, DP is ALWAYS skint. He sometimes has like £17 in his bank account or he'll say he has £3 to last the entire week. Why then, am I managing to save £20 a week in a savings account as well as keeping a £200 safety net in my bank account AND having bits of spare money for clothes etc.
We've worked it out over and over again and the calculations are right. But DP is very secretivive and lies alot. If he looked me in the eye and said "I don't undertstand it" it could well be that he knows EXACTLY what is going on but won't admit it. He has been in lots of debt before. My mum has just asked me "so what DOES he spend his money on?" and I really don't know. He works all day, never goes out on a night, never goes anywhere without me, where COULD the money be going? It doesn't make any sense? He "should" have almost £90 disposable income AFTER EVERYTHING ELSE at the end of the week. So where does it all go?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 15/04/2010 14:27

gambling?

SpicedGerkin · 15/04/2010 14:29

I'd say gambling too tbh.

fuzzywuzzy · 15/04/2010 14:29

drinking
smoking
gambling

he likes to give money to the poor...????

TheArsenicCupCake · 15/04/2010 14:30

does he play online games.. or have an iphone where he's putting on a huge amount of apps?

DH does this.. his goes on.. snack foods, online gaming ( the fool).. and apps.

GypsyMoth · 15/04/2010 14:30

online activities

fridgeraiders · 15/04/2010 14:31

Can you ask him to write everything down for a week? You could both do it, maybe he is picking up groceries on way home etc or something. If you suggest both of you write down your spending, it will seem more of a problem you are both trying to sort rather than him thinking you are treating him as a child.

Is he going out for boozy lunches at work to keep up with everyone else? What did he get into debt with before?

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 15/04/2010 14:32

Petrol, lunches, coffee machine at work?

TheArsenicCupCake · 15/04/2010 14:34

bet if you looked at his paypal/ statement you'd soon find the answer.

ChocHobNob · 15/04/2010 14:34

It could be anything. He might just not be very good at budgeting. It could be anything from what ASecret says; petrol, food at work to something like gambling etc.

fridgeraiders · 15/04/2010 14:35

btw, be very wary about telling your mum too much about this situation. It could end in tears.

Original poster
GoldenCoral · 15/04/2010 14:36

No he doesn't drink unless he's with me (he couldn't drink at work as he has to drive home and I'd smell it).
He'd never give money to the poor, he begrudges giving any money full stop!
He does snack a lot but £90?? See I'd know if he was buying take-aways as he'd have to do it in front of me.
I think it's something to do with online. I know he looks at porn but they're free porn sites. I wouldn't put it past him to pay for them though. He doesn't buy groceries from his disposable income as we have a joint "grocery pot".
Thing is we're supposed to be saving money for a holiday and he hasn't saved a penny yet. It's starting to frustrate me because yes, whilst it is HIS disposable income and it doesn't "directly" affect me or the house, it does in a way because I'm saving hard for this holiday and he's not bothering so who's going to end up paying for the entire thing? me.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldenCoral · 15/04/2010 14:37

Petrol is also accounted for in the "joint outgoings budget". Everything is.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/04/2010 14:39

i think your answer might be the porn then

live webcam sessions?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2010 14:49

You are ultimately not responsible for him y'know.

You sound a lot more mature than he does; he sounds like an immature manchild. I am wondering on a wider level why you are actually with someone like him in the first place.

What was he in debt over before?. Sounds like he has ongoing issues re debt and overspending and these have never been properly resolved. Be careful that you are not dragged down with him.

Original poster
GoldenCoral · 15/04/2010 14:55

The debts before were credit cards, loans, gambling, overdraft etc, all the usual stuff but thousands of it.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 15/04/2010 14:55

You can easily have beer at lunchtime and then drive home at the end of the day.

I dubt it's anything untoward, he's just clearly crap at financial things.

What happens if you want to go on holiday and he can't afford his half?

Original poster
GoldenCoral · 15/04/2010 14:57

I'll go without him. I have done this with an ex partner before so it's not an empty threat and he knows this. Not sure if he truely believes I would though. He's a "brush under carpet" type. Pretends things are no happening and if he ignores a problem it will go away.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/04/2010 15:01

is this roughly £90 a week he's 'losing',or a month?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2010 15:02

goldencoral,

Was this previous debt cleared completely and if so who did this?. I sincerely hope it was not you who helped him in such a manner as enabling him in such a manner helps no-one ultimately.

It seems he could be slipping back into the bad old ways re debt. The fact too that he ignores problems in the hopes they will go away is also a bad sign; he likely has the same attitude to debt as well.

So why are you with someone like this, someone who could well drag you down with him?. As you did not respond I can only assume that you yourself cannot give an answer to that question.

Original poster
GoldenCoral · 15/04/2010 15:06

£90 a week.

Attila, he does have his good points. We enjoy the same things, we have lots in common, we laugh about the same things and we have the same hopes for the future. Only now I'm starting to realise that we see this in a different light. He obviously expects all this future business to just "happen" whereas I am willing to work at it from now and for the next so many years. So when we put it like that, I do wonder why I stay because obviously we are on a different wavelengh here.

The debts were cleared by bankrupcy.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2010 15:15

goldencoral

I am sure he does have his good points but the overall picture here is not looking good.
He is being secretive and is being untruthful to you about the state of his finances now. It makes me wonder what else he could be lying about.

What is your response when he tells you he only has £3 left; do you yourself bail him out?.

Financial problems are real deal breakers in a relationship and you need to ensure he is not dragging you down with him.

Again I can only reiterate you are not responsible for him. You're doing all the donkey work here in this relationship whilst he to me seems to have it very cushy at home.
He does sound to me like an immature manchild.

BTW did he ever have counselling re his debt issues; I ask this as something within him drove him towards getting into debt in the first place. Why he exactly got into debt in the first instance needs further examination. What did he learn from his parents about money/financial matters?. That can also provide clues.

If he does not pay towards the holiday then go on your own. Show him that there are indeed consequences.

LadyLapsang · 15/04/2010 15:18

Maybe you should be discussing this with your DP rather than your mum.

Anyway, apart from the fact that he moans he doesn't have any money left, what he does with his personal money (after he has paid his agreed contribution to the family expenditure) is, to a certain extent, his business. Could you imagine if a guy came on here saying the same, most people would just assume his DP was buying things for the children, buying clothes, make-up, having haircuts etc. or maybe even saving.

If I were you I would be concerned that he has had debt previously and you say lies (not sure about 'being secretive') but do you tell him how you spend your disposable income each week?

DuelingFanjo · 15/04/2010 15:19

"He does snack a lot but £90??"

does he buy coffee? I used to spend a huge ab=mount of money on coffee in work.

GypsyMoth · 15/04/2010 15:22

so if bankrupt am i right thinking he has no bank account or even credit cards?

LadyLapsang · 15/04/2010 15:23

OK, I see you have added more information; bankrupcy, online porn & gambling change my outlook - I would be very concerned!