abusive men.

[saddest]

There seem to be so many of them, and they are all exactly the same.

I have some questions that have not been answered by anyone yet....maybe someone here can help.

I have been told/read, that they know that they are doing it. But really do they? Or is it just that they are so conditioned that it is almost a pavlovian thing. Wife=abuse. If they really know that they are doing it, in a consious way, that makes them psychpathic doesn't it?

If as I have read, they split off their cut off feeling and personality traits and deposit them in their partner, how do they rationalise this? Do they really not understand that hte partner is a whole individual in her own right?

How does it FEEL to be so cut off from your own personality, do they have an inkling that it may be them that's odd, weird, wrong whatever?

How come they are so utterly convinced of their "rightness". Often they are bright, and I just don't get how someone can be so completely irrational and determined to destroy everything for the sake of never being wrong. Ultimately, they hurt themselves more.

How come they can cope with other human beings but not their partner....although I have read that they can plant their cut off bits into employers, children etc.

If my Psychotherapist could plant trigger words in my subconsious that gave me the balls to stop the relationship....why can't someone plant triggers in these many, many men to get them to get help and stop it.

The thing that really gets me is this. The wall between them and health is very high and very wide, but it is also paper thin. All it takes is humility (which they may have in other circumstances) and a decision to get help.

Why is all this so destructive and so hard?

Another question.

If they know that they are being abusive, then they must also make a conscious decision to be not abusive, to trap you in the first place.

So they know just how wrong it is.

Have they got it all planned out? When they are, for example, being posessive and jealous, is it because they feel that they may lose you, or do they know that the ultimate outcome is that they cut their partners off? Do they isolate you to hurt you, or to make themselves feel better.

It's a fine line.

Do they know at the outset that they are going to abuse you and that it will get worse over time? Or are they just a big wobbly mess of terror?

Does any of that make sense?

I'm not sure that even the world's biggest expert could definitively answer those questions, Saddest!

My guess is: the quivering terror generates a defence system, which 'works' by exerting control over others. The defence-by-control system becomes internalised to the same degree as a genuine survival instinct. Like hunger or thirst, it is consciously felt and imperative.

I believe the entrapment process is deliberate, in the way that a hunting animal's cornering of its prey is deliberate.

I'm a bit worried for you. If you're very honest with yourself, Saddest, are you looking for the roots of the condition in hopes that you might fix it?

Meant to add this important little thing:- Recent research is showing that people with NPD and similar conditions have dysfunction in many of the same brain regions as autistic people. Whether this is genetic (as in ASDs) or developmental, the net result in both cases is a mutation that makes "empathy" impossible.

Grace you are right...there is an element of that, although it is reducing daily. Possibly as my self esteem begins to return.

There is also a genuine fascination because it is such a counter-productive thing to do, and even very bright, enlightened, apparently "reconstucted" men are perpetrators.

It's the damage to the children as well that they appear to be completely oblivious to. Lack of empathy in fact.

I would imagine..an abusive man follows a course of behaviour thats not planned..its programmed.Different rule book..how much of it is conscious is anyones guess..but frankly I don't care..they are weak minded bullies at the end of the day..they do have control..at all times,i mean..how many of them smash up their OWN stuff??

Abusers are cowards - bottom line. There are so many different types of abuse and it is carried out by people who know that they can get away with it - that they control through their actions and beat the other party into submission or blind acceptance. It doesn't matter whether it is physical abuse or sexual or neglect or psychological - they are all a violation of human and civil rights against the person who is abused.

Psychological abuse is the hardest one to deal with and to recover from. If you are told constantly that you are fat, ugly, stupid, not worth the breath in yor body you will start to believe this and to act like it. Psychological abuse spans all the other types and is the most damaging.

Any man (or woman) who abuses is a weak pathetic individual who does not deserve any kind of attention other than utter contempt.

Hear hear..and i agree on the psychological abuse...a punch etc is over a damn sight faster than the mental cruelty..which is insidious,constant..and deeply destructive.

indeed - I have battled with my weight for many years after being told by my dad that I was fat and stupid and ugly.

I am now comfortable in my own skin at 46 - never be a size 14 - but as long as you can learn to love yourself and who you are and be comfortable with the way you look then you have beaten the abusers )

Absolutely...sod them..nasty pieces of work..every last one of them..good for you

thanx little blue xx

I have finished my second Patricia Evans book. "contolling people"

That has answered pretty much all of these questions. It even explains why he can't choose between almost identical paint colours! And why my music had to be obliterated...because that is what makes me who I am!!!!!

It has also led me to the conclusion that I don't know who the hell he is, so how can I possibly love him?

I look at wedding pictures and feel a sense of separateness now.

Funny, colours seem brighter, hugging the kids is warmer, and I am getting more work.

Wow