Making sex more Interesting

[DevonshireCat]

Okay, a dad here, but I need some advice. DP and me have sex about every month if all goes well. Always vanilla, no buildup, lights off. Loads of love but no excitement.

I think a bit more interest would be great for us both but I have no idea what to do next. I like to think I am open to suggestions. When I make even mild suggestions to DP they are though about but quietly dropped.

Starting to feel like we might have to carry on like this but dont want to see a future where there's no variety or intensity.

How can I encourage DP to join me in trying something a bit more interesting and what would you start with?

Does your DP mumsnet DevonshireCat? Get her on here for a read of some of the threads, and read through them yourself and then you will have all sorts of new ideas.

Just don't anyone mention coning (shudder).

OK, ive not explained this well.

I'm not asking about what to put in a text, but what how to send the first one when we never do anything like that.

I don't want advice on what to buy from Love Honey, but how to I suggest we browse?

Anything apart from the bare minimum and we seem to be jointly embarrased about it all and dismiss it.

Perhaps I come across as sex mad and only keen on a connection when I want "some", but that's not the case.

Finally, this is my first post but have been an on and off visitor for a year or so.

DC...don't let this cynical old bat drive you off

You go for it, love

Firstly: are you pulling your weight domestically?

Does she get time on her own to do things she likes?

Do you try to arrange nice romantic things to do?

Are you generally affectionate?

OK - laying myself on the line here .... (fnarr)

I opened up the topic by emailing a link to a certain item on the Lovehoney site - nothing extreme - don't want to scare the horses - there's a facility there to do that, something like "please can you get me this". Much surprise and delight from the recipient .....

And what BOF said.

You could try something like "Cleaning the toilet really turns me on"

DC, have you tried talking to your wife? I don't mean to be flippant, but seriously, pick a time when your're together and relaxed, then say you'd like to talk with her about something. She'll prob ask what, the simply say 'our sex life'. Ask her if she is completely satisfied to start with, and see how the conversation evolves...

Alternatively, you could try following her up the stairs, spanking her arse as you go, and by the Magic of Mal she might jump on you. OK, that bit was a smdge flippant...

There's also a board game called Monogamy which I have heard is quite good.

< runs away >

How about talking to her, so what if it's a bit embarrassing to begin with?
Ask her if there's anything you can do for her that will make sex even better, ask her if there is anything she would like to try sexually. Dont make her feel like she's not "sexy" enough, merely explain that you want her ( or both of you) to have better sex.
As a starting point, leave the light on when you have sex and never finish in the same position you started in - if you always take the lead, ask her to get on top of you then half way through tell her you want to turn her over etc. Just start with little things, you haven't got to whip out the nipple clamps or a huge sex toy to start being a bit more adventurous, some nice massage oil or lube will suffice .
If she has body confidence issues you will have to be very gentle with her and not make her feel that's she's not good enough - she's not going to turn into a rampant sex goddess overnight, she has to be comfortable and confident within herself first and foremost.

I'll second the Monogamy vote...

Right, with the texting.

Okay...so, you might send her a run of the mill text, such as
"Just checking in, you okay?"

So she might reply, "Fine thanks, you?"

So you might go, "Me? Fine....kind of..."

And the "...kind of..." will intrigue her, so she'll go, "are you sure?"

And you take it from there. It's a game. You can learn to play it.

"The Magic of Mal"

arf

Why are you both embarassed to talk about sex?? I agree with myrubicon, start the conversation with a general opener encouraging her to talk about how she feels about your sex life.

Also, do you have young dcs?

As for the how do you start doing these things, well, you just do. You take a deep breath and do it. You are two grown adults who love each other, it shouldn't be that scary and neither of you should be hugely offended by a saucy sugestive text or new idea in the bedroom.

Well DC the fact you have mentioned vanilla sex in your OP makes me think you are entirely aware that there are other much more interesting flavours about.

I am a massive perv so advice from me is no good at all but am drawing up a comfy chair, having a cuppa and a pack of hob nobs and am waiting to see what the good ladies on mn will suggest.

"The magic of Mal" - has quite a nice ring to it, kind of like "by the power of greyskull", dontcha think?

I was being a tad flippant with my spanking suggestion.

My husband's face was a picture the first time I bought a sex toy, there are still times he swears I was kidnapped by aliens and sent back with a different brain!
I was very shy, sexually, for a long, long time, it's only really the last couple of years when I discovered how a little kink can spice things up, I certainly didn't have this kind of confidence.
I feel a bit strange admitting this, but when my husband asked me why sex had never been so intense and wonderful before ( after over 20 years together) it actually made me want to cry, I was so upset that it had taken us so long to have amazing sex.

I suppose what I'm saying is that it's never too late , and if this is some pervy troll thread, I'll be very annoyed.

"I am a massive perv"

PMSL

love it

ooh Mal, i just got a warm feeling inside.... want a hob nob?

she doesn't need the hob bit...

apparently.

A hobnob would be lovely thanks.

I'm not saying we didn't have nice, satisfying sex but it was very vanilla, no kinky sprinkles.
When I actually plucked up the courage to tell my DH what I really wanted, it was a revelation to us both, I didn't even go into specifics but he seemed to instictively know how to give me what I wanted.
Looking back I suppose the signs were there, he was always a bit dominant but I rejected it thinking it made we weak, when I realised it didn't, that's where the fun began.

Aw, Mal, I get you now.

It's all new.

So, DC. Where've you gone? Since chaps are solution driven, you have a two stage plan...

1. Talk.
2. Get onto Amazon and buy Monogamy.

The talk bit is the most important, natch. I seems to me that either your DW will feel the same way you do, but perhaps lacks cconfidence, or there may be a sexual mis-match. There's a recent thread about that.

Hi DC,

When your dp is cooking/ironing/talking on the phone etc, from behind put your hands inside her top for a bit of a feel-up (not too long - just a quick squeeze will do) and at the same time, give her a lovely warm kiss at the back of her neck - then walk away. Do this often - no need to talk or suggest anything.

When you sit on the sofa watching the telly, take her feet and give it a good massage. Don't talk or suggest anything.

When she is busy at the computer, stand behind her and give her a scalp massage. Don't talk or suggest anything.

When she gets ready in the morning, ask her if you can brush her hair for her. Don't talk or suggest anything.

Have a gift (with a card that simply says: I love you) delivered to her.

When you think she looks beautiful, tell her.

When you have been thinking about her, tell her.

When you have missed her, tell her.

A woman who feels loved, treasured and who is treated with respect and consideration, will be open to any suggestions her loving partner might make.

Only have one suggestion: Dress your DW in your favourite football kit so light blues if you are a Man City fan. Might not work but worth a try.