If you've ever contacted Ex-partners through social networking sites please tell me why

[DorsetGal]

I'm feeling increasingly annoyed and unsettled at DP's Ex-GFs appearing out of the woodwork, usually when their marriages are on the rocks or they've just split with their husbands.

I'm not even talking recent ones either -these are ones from when he was aged 15-20ish, so a long time ago.

Why do they do it? Why live in the past? Why put current relationships (ie.DP's relationship with me) in jeopardy by starting up a friendship/relationship with emotional links to the past.

What are they hoping for?

Am I right to feel threatened? Or am I over-reacting because our relationship hit dodgy ground a few years ago because an old flame of his made contact that resulted in an email/phone emotional affair that I found out about before it went further.

Hoping that someone out there who might have done what I'm talking about can throw some light on the matter

I have an ex on my FB, from when I was about 20, so 20 years ago but before and after our relationship, we were very good friends and this has continued.

No ulterior motives at all, I think he added me, although I can't recall now. We are both very happily married and just comment with immature drivel on one another's posts from time to time. No emails, no contact other than a quick "hello stranger how are you doing?" when he first added me as we had not been in touch for a couple of years.

HOWEVER, with your relationship's history of the emotional affair, I would feel threatened and question why he feels the need to keep in contact with these women when he knows the upset it caused in the past?

The problem here though is that your DP's antennae about why people do this needs to be better than it clearly is. Looking up old flames when you are coming out of a bad relationship or going through a rocky patch is disastrous and there is really only one agenda, what ever people say.

Given what happened before, your DP needs to be on high alert and sever the communication completely.

I don't think he would sever communication though, not with the recent ones (he has, as far as I'm aware, with the one that nearly saw the end to our relationship though).

I'm a bit to admit it but I do snoop which is why I know about them. Contact does seem to be instigated by the women, DPs replies are not leading them on in anyway but the fact he doesn't just doesn't seem to "get" that this is where it all started before really un-nerves me.

The most recent one made contact a couple of months ago, then drops it in that she has just split with her DH and made reference to finding something that DP had bought for her when they were together (over 20 years ago FGS!) and how it cheered her up etc

Its difficult to talk to him about it because I've snooped

Then what you can deduce is that as a couple, you never really dealt with the previous infidelity. He isn't as sorry as perhaps he's been claiming and that he is as much at risk of an affair as he's always been.

The biggest mistake people make when these emotional affairs/E mail/texting relationships are discovered before they become sexual is to pretend that since they were stopped in their tracks, the problem has gone away.

It doesn't go away, it just goes underground again and people get more skilful at covering their tracks.

Ive just faced this yesterday actually, DPs ex tried to add him to FB. He showed me the request though, before declining it thankfully.

Umm . . .
Curiosity
Wanting to see how people are doing
Because it would be odd to have a list of friends on there and deliberately exclude those who are ex-es wouldn't it? Surely that would be more sinister? And then where do you draw the line - not having someone as a friend on Facebook because you snogged them at a party when you were 15?

Ive had this on both fronts ....my ex bf added me and quite often goes on drunken rants about his love for me (understandable )

However

someone from dhs past turned up on ds facebook (same name as his dad) caused untold shit then pissed off - she knew what she was doing .

facebook is a curse!!

I've looked for DD's Dad, not because I have any wish to be in contact with him I just wanted to know what he was earning so I had more evidence to use with the CSA.
I can't find him anywhere though.

I've never felt that the emotional affair has gone away in that I still think about it all the time and worry that it could happen again.

However I think that I believe that DP wouldn't instigate any contact with these exes or anyone else, the contact is only there because they started it. I think that he believes that replying to their contact is just the right thing to do (he is a nice guy and wouldn't want to be rude or ignore them IYSWIM). I think and hope that its not going to go further as he/we learned a lot from the experience a few years ago.

Trouble is, this is what I "think" and "hope". I have no way of telling what really might happpen and thats what is eating away at me

well dh reacted in what he thought was the 'right' way unfortunately for us it nearly ripped our family apart and made me quite ill

mugglewump -thats entirely understandable that you want to get hold of the bastard.

Bramshott -is it not a liitle odd to contact exes from 15-20 years ago that you've had no contact with over the years when your marriage is on the rocks or you're fresh out of a long-term relationship? Especially if making reference to little 'in jokes' you shared and how thats cheered you up etc

nickschick -can I ask what happened? You don't have to spill if you'd rather not though.

But that's the behaviour that has to change after an affair of any sort. There are hordes of people who wouldn't instigate affairs, but they would accept an opportunity to have one if it was offered. "Nice polite" people do this all the time incidentally. They convince themselves that because they weren't looking for an affair and the other person made the running, they are somehow less responsible.

The behaviour that needs to change is twofold. A barrier needs to be firmly in place and a highly developed antennae to anyone who is getting too close and could be predatory. Secondly, your DP needs to know that being nice and polite is no good in these situations. There is a compromise too. If he is too polite to reply "I don't want to keep up contact with you" then he just ignores the requests and the E mails. Even predatory people get fed up when someone refuses to engage....

If I were you, I'd come clean about the snooping and have a long overdue conversation about how you don't trust and what he has learned from the last episode. However, if you feel that he will in fact cheat again and you want to give him enough rope to see whether he will, then continue to monitor what he's doing and saying.

are you his friend on FB? If not then do it and make your presence known. Also makes it so you don't have to snoop. All is above board.

well ill tell you ..it might be quite cathartic although when I posted under a different name at xmas i got flamed .

rough outline

dh was married before
when he split he ended up losing contact with his children,all very sad i agree and soon the mums new husband wanted to adopt these children,dh was over a barrel his ex really knew what buttons to press so he agreed.

The children made it very clear they wanted nothing to do with him or his family.

so almost 20 years passed,we had a family together and whilst he never forgot the first it was continually made clear they werent interested.

just before xmas one of them contacted ds on facebook and proceeded to tell him she was his stepsister did he know he had them?

fortunately ds did know -wed always told our dc the truth - well then she wanted to know all about us (fair enough) turned out that shed hacked my fb knew everything beforehand and set out to wreck what she could.

harsh?

well she wanted to meet up the week before xmas -dh like a fool cancelled our xmas shopping and xmas meal plans to go out with her ......she told him stuff that was untrue and was insisting on meeting us- when I refused as i think she needed to build a relationship with her dad first .....all of a sudden she stopped bothering.

Dh was v upset,I on the other knew then and it has since been proven she was using dh to get her mum and stepdad to do what she wanted- in doing that she messed with everyones emotions.

im not really a sour old cow .
i have ptsd and this brought lots of stuff back to me.

nickschick.

Another case of facebook f* * * * ing up peoples lives

BTW thanks for all your replies -I'm taking on board what you're all saying

ty dorsetgal i dont think things will ever be the same again with us .

depeche you must report back to us -hope it goes well .

I have 2 ex's on my FB. 1 I was going out with before I started seeing dh. I kind of met DH through him though, as they were/are friends.

The other is the boyfriend before him- we were on/off for years, but were always great friends. Dh has met him several times- he was at our wedding.

Dh knows both of them are on my FB- he goes on quite often as he can't be bothered getting his own page so adds his friends onto mine. He has no problem with it. The most I ever really speak to them is a 'hi- how are you/ the children'

I can totally see in your case though why you'd feel unhappy about his ex's being added as friends.

Surely OP it's your DP who you need to take this up with, not blame the women contacting him?

I hate to say it but of the security of your relationship rests upon no other women trying to contact him in case he starts an affair with them, then that is what needs addressing, not a social networking site.

I've contacted a couple of exes, purely in the spirit of curiosity, to see what they're up to now. After exchanging a couple of messages curiosity was satisfied on both sides and it hasn't been any more then that.

If you do feel threatened then work on your relationship, instead of focusing on the motivations of other women.

I agree MZ. If the fidelity is preserved because of other people's behaviour, then it isn't being preserved at all. It just means that there hasn't been an opportunity.....

MrsBoogie -neither of us really do facebook. We are registered but only to look up friends. We don't actively post stuff on there like photos, personal details, updates etc which is obvious to anyone looking but it hasn't stopped people getting in touch .

MorrisZapp -I realise that I have 'ishoos' to deal with hence me asking if I'm over-reacting but it is difficult, after all the hard-work we put over the years, for exes to be popping up when they're in a difficult place emotionally.

I don't have a problem with exes in general (both DP and I have ones we keep in contact with, some are longstanding friends of both of us). Its specifically these ones which is why I'm interested to find out what their motivation is and should I be worried?

Yes, but we were both 18 when we dated so a VERY long time ago. He was my friend before we dated so why wouldn't I want to contact a friend?

RelationshipNowhereNearAnyRocksTiggaxx

The thing is Whenwill.... I don't have the same worries about fidelity when hes out and about at work or in the pub with mates or out doing his hobby etc. I'm not worried that hes chatting women up or being chatted up or looking for an opportunity to cheat.

Its just this particular scenario so maybe that says everything about my insecurities and what I still have to deal with