If you've ever contacted Ex-partners through social networking sites please tell me why

[DorsetGal]

I'm feeling increasingly annoyed and unsettled at DP's Ex-GFs appearing out of the woodwork, usually when their marriages are on the rocks or they've just split with their husbands.

I'm not even talking recent ones either -these are ones from when he was aged 15-20ish, so a long time ago.

Why do they do it? Why live in the past? Why put current relationships (ie.DP's relationship with me) in jeopardy by starting up a friendship/relationship with emotional links to the past.

What are they hoping for?

Am I right to feel threatened? Or am I over-reacting because our relationship hit dodgy ground a few years ago because an old flame of his made contact that resulted in an email/phone emotional affair that I found out about before it went further.

Hoping that someone out there who might have done what I'm talking about can throw some light on the matter

dawntigga -your sign-offs do make me laugh

As your relationship isn't near the rocks I'm presuming your motives are just as you said, friendly. Do you think they would be different if your DH had recently left and you then initiated contact with ex?

(actually thats probably a bit difficult to answer or a bit of a weird question to ask so ignore if you like!)

No, but what you're worried about is that if some woman pulls on his heartstrings and reminds him of how wonderful he was, that he will engage. Whereas you need to believe that if a woman chased him from here to kingdom come, he would still say "no".

Look, a bloke who had learned the lessons from before would have come to you and told you that a few exes have been in touch, wouldn't he? He would have asked your advice about how to stop contact wouldn't he, if he's really too "nice" to say "go away"?

What you seem to think is that he might be too nice to say no - and although I agree that people in unhappy relationships shouldn't contact old flames, their behaviour isn't the problem, is it?

I have have ex-partners as Facebook friends and so does my husband. One ex recently sent me a long email updating me on his life and new baby. I was very happy to hear from him and how happy he sounded. I really don't get the problem so many people have with partners having any contact with their ex-partners and I wouldn't have married DH if he was the jealous type.

This was never supposed to happen. We were all just supposed to move on in our lives, but all this facebook stuff has made it so easy for people to get in touch with old flames.
2 couples in my DH's family have split up after the bloke has met up with an ex girlfriend (one of them are in their 60s ... we were shocked). Obviously things can't have been quite right anyway, but it was almost too easy to see the good old days through rose tinted glasses when perhaps things at home currently need some effort.

But then looking at it from another point of view, if your DH had recently left you, and you suddenly had no-one to talk to in the evenings, you probably would find yourself online more, looking up old friends, mulling over the past etc. That's not sinister and predatory behaviour, just natural human behaviour, surely?

I'm afraid I am firmly in the camp of believing that you either trust your DH or you don't, and that Facebook is only a social networking site, not some kind of sinister behemoth out to wreck people's marriages !

Totally agree Bramshott. It's like when my gran talks of 'the internet' as some kind of dark scary place full of nefarious types. When in fact all it is is a means of communication.

And yes, if I was newly single I'd probably gee up my facebook activity, in fact getting back in touch with old friends is one of the best things about starting over again isn't it.

I think some of you are missing the point.

Social Networking sites are fine, as long as two rules are observed. That communications are not kept secret from partners, and as long as you've got the good sense to realise that if an old flame contacts you and tells you how unhappy they are and how good things were when you were together, you recognise it for the threat it is. It's not rocket science and people are surely not that stupid.

If they are that stupid and they observe the first rule and show their partner the message, then their partner really won't be.

it's only a threat if the other party allows it to be though. I agree with whoever said that there's nothing sinister about an ex getting in contact after the breakup of their relationship - perhaps they're getting in touch with all their old friends because thinking back to the past - the good old days - makes them feel better.

I've been in touch with two of my ex's - one via email and the other via facebook. The fiirst one chatted to me on and off via email for a few years and then one night we had a chat via an instant messenger and he started to tell me how heartbroken he was when the relationship ended, and it occurred to me that he'd seen it as a much more serious relationship than i had (I was fifteen, he was 20, 16/21 when the relationship ended). Tbh I was more horrified that he'd seen it as such a serious thing, and that he'd never had another gf because I was the one love of his life. We haven't spoken much since.

The second one was someone I would consider a more serious ex. We were nineteen, and I left the country with my parents because they were coming back t the UK an I had no money no job and no means of supporting myself out there. I was heartbroken, and had vowed to go back as soon as I could. It took me a year to raise the cash, and the day I booked my ticket back he called and said he'd fallen in love with someone else. So I guess in a way the relationship was never really resolved. But I did learn from others that he'd married (someone else not the one he broke up with me for), had a child, had remarried someone else, and divorced again, so when I saw him on fb I was curious and got in touch. He messaged me for a few days saying how much he'd thought of me over the years, called me once (my mobile number is on my fb profile), and spouted the biggest load of shite I've ever heard about his life and mine and just brought home to me the fact that I actually had a really lucky escape. He's still on my fb though and we occasionally comment on statuses, but haven't had any contact really since the first week we spoke.

I think it's all down to what your DH writes back to them. I've contacted some exes and I've been contacted by some exes over the years, pre FB, in other ways too.

The ones who are very cagey about their relationship status and/or dismissive of their children are the ones who seem to be looking for an affair.

So, if your DH is writing back saying hi, I'm good, great marriage, lovely DCs, the message is clear then. If he is not...then I guess I would be worried.

Well I have looked up one or two XPs on facebook and been looked up by one or two more. It's usually been nosiness on both sides, and in some cases it's been lovely to get back in touch; in one case he invited me to come and have a drink with him and his fiancee and their other friends, I went along with a mate of mine from the same era (old uni pals all of us) had a great time, gave him a big hug and we mutually wished each other all the best, and there has been no real contact since. In a couple of other cases there has been more socalising, which again has been nice (in groups). I like quite a few of my XPs and usually like their DPs as well.
But even if your DP's XPs are sending him messages saying 'Shag me shag me you're the best', you should only have a problem with it if he's saying 'OK then'. if his reaction is 'Oh dear, no thanks' then what they do is their lookout.

I look at their profiles to be nosey but that is as far as I would go. Even that doesnt feel right!

agree, Bramshot and Morriszapp.
DOn't see why my dh should be party to my fb communications of any sort with anyone, or me to his

One of my new best mates is TECHNICALLY an ex of both DP and his brother. Only from school, oh and I have his ex (apparently the first great love of his life) from sixth form on my fb too, he has actually done stuff with her since (before we were together though).

One of my best mates is my ex fiance and his new girlfriend. Tbh I think it much odder that DP doesn't keep in contact with his ex wife- bar abuse and so on, if you are with someone, then surely you like them as a person? And if you then go on to be in love with someone else, surely the two people will have stuff in common?

I am far more insecure about the ex that Dp doesn't keep in contact with as it makes me think that maybe there is still too many strong feelings there.

"Because it would be odd to have a list of friends on there and deliberately exclude those who are ex-es wouldn't it? "

I disagree - I have no exes on my FB friends - not even the father of my children!I think it is totally inappropriate given that I am engaged.

I have no interest in looking up old flames for any reason - there isn't a single one of them I would want to even see, let alone start anything up with again.

I did have an ex contact me out of the blue a few months ago. I replied politely to his email and told him I was engaged. He replied wishing me well and that was it.

I get the impression he was fishing to see if there was anything there but I looked him up on FB and crumbs!! Even if I weren't engaged there would be no way in hell - he was looking rough as! But given the way our relationship ended, if I weren't engaged, and even if he was totally buff, while I would be more tempted I think I still wouldn't go back.

DP is friends with all his exes on facebook and (I assume) communicates with them.

It doesn't bother me at all.

The past is the past.

It would only be a problem if the conversation were flirtatious but I doubt whether it is.

At the end of the day, you just have to trust your partenr.

I have ex's on my FB, and I don't see any problem with that at all. We were friends before we were in a relationship, and were friends after. If we lived in the same area, we'd see each other, but as it is we only meet up occasionally.

I really don't see the problem, and DH doesn't either

I guess the difference is I am not friends with any of my exes. I have no desire to see or communicate with any of them ever again.