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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Email flirting

50 replies

BlunderBust · 14/04/2010 10:35

Is flirting via email in the workplace an accepted and normal practice?

Would you worry about your DH receiving flirty emails?

In particual one siging off Je t'aime.

I am being had aren't I ?

OP posts:

akhems · 14/04/2010 10:37

doesn't sound good I'm afraid, my dp got friendly with someone like this and it did lead to him having an affair with her

Hopefully it's not the same situation for you but try to nip it in the bud if you can, it's highly innappropriate and unprofessional anyway.

Karmann · 14/04/2010 10:41

It's not on. As akhems says, it can lead to more. Tell him you feel uneasy about it.

deaddei · 14/04/2010 10:45

Dangerous.
(speaking from experience )

bobbiewickham · 14/04/2010 10:47

I second that, Deddei.

ameliameerkat · 14/04/2010 10:53

It only leads to bad things (also talking from experience ). You really need to make the effort to stop sending emails like that, and don't respond to any he sends you.

TheFantasticFixit · 14/04/2010 10:55

It does lead to worse and more feelings, without a doubt. And I also talk from experience shamefully. Sorry.

legscrossed · 14/04/2010 10:56

not only dodgy..but questionable on the work side of things as to getting into trouble, sexual harassment etc

Kiwinyc · 14/04/2010 10:57

Apart from being very unprofessional its not something that should be encouraged i don't think. Not to say that I don't use my work email for some personal messages to DH, friends, etc, and I will sign off with xxx or hugs etc but it can be used to begin and conduct an emotional affair which can escalate.

cluckyduck · 14/04/2010 11:14

Was it just one email, or were there lots of a similar tone?

I wouldnt be too happy about it, sorry

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/04/2010 11:18

For you to ask whether such flirting is "accepted and normal practice" suggests that your DH/DP is claiming it is.

It is not.

A good rule of thumb is to ask him how he would feel if you got an E mail from a work colleague signed off "I love you". Would he believe your airy brush off that this was perfectly normal?

A lot of affairs start like this and they do so because E mails allow people to be far braver in the flirting stakes than face-to-face communication. Sooner or later it will move on to texting and that will get even worse because there's less chance then of an IT busybody monitoring the communication.

People in these relationships get an additional thrill from clicking "send" and then checking their replies every 5 seconds to see whether there has been a reply. It becomes addictive.

whomovedmychocolate · 14/04/2010 11:27

If your question is 'is this cheating' then yes, on an emotional level at least it probably is.

Put it to him like this: how would you feel if these emails were read by your mother, or my mother. How do you think they would be interpreted? What about your HR director or your boss. Still harmless?

Swanky · 14/04/2010 11:48

Its not good!

Original poster

BlunderBust · 14/04/2010 14:43

It's not good is it?

Unfortunately I have been snooping so going to struggle to talk to him about it without admitting to it.

It started with this - which has now, in DH's eyes, been brushed under the carpet.

I had five minutes alone in the office this morning and had a snoop. This bint woman has good/valid reasons to email him and most are professional. Just every now and then a pet name pops up, a line of xxxxxs and this Je t'aime sign off, once.

FWIW there is nothing on this level in DH's replies.

It is just eating away at me and I can't imagine how it will go away...or how I can nip it in the bud.

Thank god for this place and being able to say it all 'out loud'.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 15:05

Blunderbust...in your words, you are being had

Don't let him guilt-trip you for "snooping"...the end justifies the means, in my mind

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/04/2010 15:13

I can't believe he keeps a straight face when he tells you there is nothing untoward in him sending a woman who fancies him a fluffy rabbit, which apart from the crime against taste sends a pretty obvious message. I think he's communicating with her through other means and for some reason, is sanitising his E mails to her. Have you done any other snooping, that is phones (including hidden spares) and potentially other E mail accounts?

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/04/2010 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Malificence · 14/04/2010 15:19

Perhaps he misunderstoood her request for a "rabbit"?
Sorry, that was uncalled for and childish but I couldn't help myself.

If a man I worked with sent me a cuddly toy I would be thoroughly creeped out tbh.

loves2walk · 14/04/2010 15:28

I would be horrified to find something like that in emails. Je t'aime, what's that about? Likewise xxxx's and pet names are very flirty and just not appropriate. It seems she has an emotional connection to him even if he doesn't to her but whether it is reciprocated or not, it leaves your relationship vulnerable.

I would admit to the snooping given that you have actually found things that are unacceptable. You wouldn't have been snooping if you hadn't been given reason in the first place so I'd agree that ends justify the means.

Can you sit down with DH and ask him to imagine how he would feel if you had someone emailing you like this? But get him to actually think about it rather than respond on the defensive.

porcamiseria · 14/04/2010 15:31

Its not. I think your suspicions are correct. and from readingm, this has been worrying for for some time now

If there anyway you tell this cunting bitch face (sorry!!!) to back OFF in a way that is not to the detriment of the business?
angry on your behalf

porcamiseria · 14/04/2010 15:32

You obv need to chat with DH too!!!! But my tendancy (and not saying its right) would be to go after her, ignore me......

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 15:34

err, porca, I think this lady's ishoos are with her partner

for all we/she knows he could be telling the OW a complete load of shite too

I agree with wwifn...there is more to this, the Op just hasn't discovered it...yet

thesecondcoming · 14/04/2010 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadow · 14/04/2010 15:38

She sends flirty emails, he sends bunny rabbits.

I would take an affair as a given, to be honest.

Especially as he sacked you when you objected to the bunny, saying it was inappropriate. It IS the kind of gift a lovestruck teenager sends...

porcamiseria · 14/04/2010 15:39

I know anyfucker, thats why I said my advice was shit!!!!

QuintessentialShadow · 14/04/2010 15:39

To add, I would speak to a lawyer pronto, both about your legal position with your business, and employment, in case of divorce.

Dont speak to your husband before you know your legal position.

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