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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Email flirting

50 replies

BlunderBust · 14/04/2010 10:35

Is flirting via email in the workplace an accepted and normal practice?

Would you worry about your DH receiving flirty emails?

In particual one siging off Je t'aime.

I am being had aren't I ?

OP posts:
Swanky · 14/04/2010 15:44

I'd email her back replying to one of the xxx or petname emails and asking why she's emailing your husband in this vein!

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 15:51

fairynuff, porca...we crossposted

LittleMissHissyFit · 14/04/2010 18:22

Blundabust, so sad to hear this... you need to speak to a solicitor FAST... can you print off those emails....

It all stinks to high heaven.

sungirltan · 14/04/2010 18:26

sorry op - i also think you might be being had. also ime the more defensive the guilty party is then the more they have to hide.

sorry

Original poster
BlunderBust · 14/04/2010 20:29

I hear you all.

I am in denial though and for now have to believe that there isn't anything actually going on.

I think I need to bide my time, keep my eyes and ears open, get some copies of the emails and not let on that I am suspicious.

I hope that it is nothing, her just being outrageously unprofessional and thinking Je t'aime means "I like you" rather than what it does mean...can you see my head buried in the sand there

Here's hoping you might never hear from me again - but thanks for listening and being honest. I just can't say this stuff to rl friends/family so it is a life save coming on here.

Cheers (G&T time here)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 20:34

err, why did you post this thread ?

serious question

loves2walk · 14/04/2010 21:03

I can see why Blunder would have posted on here - sometimes you need to say things out loud, hear peoples' reactions and you can't always do that with RL friends. As soon as you describe a problem to a RL friend there is a sort of pressure on to solve it. But atleast by posting here you get some reactions to help work out how off-the-wall or reasonable your own gut instinct is.

I can understand too Blunder, why you're going for this approach. The best way of searching for evidence is when your DH's guard is down, when he doesn't think you're suspicious.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 21:12

fair enough

my question would be though, if your trust is so damaged, why wait for foolproof "evidence" that may take a very long time to materialise ? And all this time your self-esteem gets further eroded by doubt and worry

I could not live like that

is your relationship not worthless, if the trust has gone ?

Original poster
BlunderBust · 14/04/2010 21:14

I understand your question AnyFucker, and loves2walk sums it up nicely.

My DH totally squashed my initial reaction to the bunny and I questioned my own feelings to the point that I needed to know if I was loopy. I came on here, realised that I am not loopy and have since told rl friends and they have confirmed that I am quite normal.

Then I snooped.

My post this morning about the rest of it was desperate.

And, I need to hear it, how it is.

That he is probably fucking her having an affair.

However, I know that my DH, if I confronted him now, would have me believing that the issue is mine in a matter of minutes. I need this to come back to, the voice of reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlunderBust · 14/04/2010 21:16

I'm not sure I can live like it either, but I need a bit of time. And honestly, not sure my self-esteem could get much lower, but that is a whole other thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlunderBust · 14/04/2010 21:17

And, serious question. If it were to all end in divorce would I not need foolproof evidence?

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/04/2010 21:22

Blunder, you've probably heard of "gaslighting" which is when someone convinces you that you are going mad when you've got perfectly reasonable concerns about something.

If that's what's happening to you, then I understand your need to gather evidence and snoop, before confronting. So can you get to his phone and search for evidence of another one? Can you find out as much as you can about this client?

Really do feel for you, this is a horrible time.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 21:25

no..you don't need foolproof evidence

I would say you have enough evidence of your own

just the way he makes you feel would be enough

another serious question (please don't take this as a dig)

if you see Mn as a voice of reason...why don't you consider you could act on the advice you have been given ?

LittleMissHissyFit · 14/04/2010 21:29

Darling if it all ends up as we hope it won't...

..You'll be divorcing him, not prosecuting him.

You don't need to produce evidence persay.

I, for one, couldn't sit and wonder if i'm being taken for a fool, I'd be demanding some answers right now.

Him brushing you off and telling you that you are mad btw are big red flags too...

Are there any more signs, is he picking fights with you, unexplained/prolonged absences, mobile strapped to his person?

Look at everything else and make a judgement. Act when you feel ready, but don't let this drag on, it'll do you harm. You don't deserve that, you deserve the truth.

loves2walk · 14/04/2010 21:33

I hadn't heard of gaslighting until WWIFN just mentioned it - but I've just done a goggle search on it. Chilling actually how this sort of thing can happen to perfectly intelligent people - do a search on it to see if it rings bells. There seems to be good advice as to how to deal with it too

Original poster
BlunderBust · 14/04/2010 21:33

Because I am weak.

And feeble.

And I don't want it to be true.

I will do something though. Just need some time.

Thanks for your frankness AnyFucker - no digs taken. You've made me think, which is what I need too.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 14/04/2010 21:33

From what you have described, it sounds like she is doing the running, and he is too much of a wimp to knock it on the head because he wants to exploit her attraction to him in business terms. He is basically behaving like a simpering office girl.

If you are involved in his business, why don't you take over some of the correspondance so she has to back off? He will have to accept though that conducting his business like this is sleazy and unprofessional.

If there is more going on, the only sign I can see of it is in his refusal to accept that this is a crappy way of doing business. I daresay you'll know soon enough if he refuses to modify his behaviour.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 21:37

BB, don't let strangers like me guilt-trip you too

You are not weak nor feeble

But by his actions, he is making you feel like you have no choice in the matter and that you must put up with this

You don't have to, and nobody should have to, that is all I am saying

loves2walk · 14/04/2010 21:39

Your post just then Blunder made me shrivel up inside - I know just how you feel about not feeling ready to confront a horrible situation and just wanting it to all go away.

I am also taking my time on a possible affair, waiting for evidence. I too feel weak and feeble. I sometimes think though, that it is a useful defense mechanism kicking in - sometimes you need time to process just what is happening, what you're going to do about it and time to get your network of support built up around you. Don't beat yourself up about the lack of action - you will get there in the end.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 21:41

but it won't go away...< said in small voice...>

loves2walk · 14/04/2010 21:44

No but Blunder knows that by what she's saying. If she thought it was really going away she wouldn't be posting about it.

But if you're in a long term relationship what is the harm in it taking 6 months to get straight - whether that is to end it or to get back on track? What's 6 months in a 10/20 year relationship?

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 21:49

At the end of the day, you know what is best for yourself, no matter what strangers tell you

I just wish the blokes in these scenarios were making the same judgements and allowances about their own behaviour in the context of 10/20 year relationships...

Too much to ask ? I don't think so...

Will bow out now...good luck xx

thesecondcoming · 14/04/2010 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BlunderBust · 14/04/2010 22:05

Have never heard of gaslighting - will google when I'm alone - tried now and I think it is spot on. Made me cry. Now not the time or place. But I will search more, and thank you. Fuck me, it has a name.

I am hoping that BoF is right. But I also know that AF is...on all points.

We've been together 12 years, 2 DCn and I need to get it straight...and if it takes time, then time it takes.

Loves2walk - I am so sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation.

OP posts:
loves2walk · 14/04/2010 22:23

Thanks Blunder

You might find yourself exhausted this week and drained - I know I was a mess in the first week or two of suspicion - it eats away at you.

Hope you sleep OK tonight. Think of a calm relaxing memory to drift off into

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