Does EVERYONE'S relationships suffer as an immediate side-effect of having children?

[angel1976]

That's it really... Just interested as I have read too many articles lately about how 'my marriage almost ended up in divorce due to having twins / kids too close together etc...'

My relationship with DH has definitely suffered since the two boys arrives (DS1 2.2 and DS2 5.5 months) and we are still waiting for it to recover. No, we are nowhere near separation/divorce but there has been many tense moments! I have faith in our marriage that it will last and can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel... But gosh, there are days where I just don't have the energy to do anything, let alone be a wife and I do feel bad about it. And of course, we do have our two very beautiful boys and am so grateful for that.

Does EVERYONE'S relationships suffer initially due to children? Is there anyone out there who can hand on heart say having children improved their relationship/marriage? And I mean in the first say, two or three years? I'm just curious.

im afraid it does sometimes because some men feel that their attention is divided between him and the kids its a psychological thing its hardwork but can be done my mum did it

Me and DP have weathered some v stormy patches since arrival of DD - but are much happier again now. DD is 3. Our relationship has changed and I'd say is more mature now.

I think that's doiong men a disservice, chubbasmum. Not saying it doesn't happen of course. I think myself it's lack of sleep, and women tend to lose more so have little extra energy to give to the relationship.
DD is 9 months now, our relationship has improved a lot since she started sleeping reliably.

ours improved because i was almost obsessed with equal care and bonding, so we all spent a lot of time together as a family.
for my DS it was a lot harder, but everything they throw at us is something to tackle together and we still sit back and look and them and look at each in a 'can you believe we got this far?' way.
relationships do suffer, but smiling at each other and a kiss goes a long way between scraping up poo and dealing with tantrums.

I think that where there is an inequality in the relationship, kids can put pressure on those cracks and widen them. So if you've been carrying the load pre-children, but that's been okay because it's only (say) an extra 3-4 hours on the weekends and manageable, and then the kids come along and suddenly you realise that you are doing 16 hour days and your partner isn't, you can no longer paper over that, and resentment breeds.

The separation of roles is also hard. If one parent stays at home fulltime and the other starts working long hours, suddenly you don't have a marriage of equals. I know that when I was at home, in grotty jeans and unwashed hair, I felt second class to the people still going to work in nice suits and buying their morning latte.

After a few months, my husband and I struggled to make dinner conversation; oh, what did you do today? Cleaned the house, settled our daughter for a nap, played with her, read her a book that she didn't care about, settled her for another nap, why are your eyes glazing over? And he'd tell me that he had an evening networking dinner coming up and I'd feel so resentful that he got to go out and have lovely drinks and conversation with adults and I didn't.

When I went back to work and he took over the SAHD role, he felt exactly the same way. I remember once I went out of a Sunday afternoon with some workmates, and he came to pick me up after a few hours, and he said he was so conscious, sitting there in this gorgeous house of our hostess, that there was baby sick on his jeans and he hadn't had a haircut in months, and there was me and my colleagues in fashionable clothes and straight shiny hair and sipping rose.

Having said all of that, I do think it's perfectly possible to be alright. We are fantastic as a couple still, and love each other madly, and adore our daughter and our life.

One of the ways we did that, though, was to be ruthless about splitting roles. We now spend exactly the same amount of time with our daughter each (and we try and alternate social occasions that require the other partner to 'babysit' to keep that even - he went out to dinner a couple of weeks ago, I've got a Mnet meetup tomorrow).

We also make a point to be interested in one another's day, we thank each other for nice gestures like cooking something fancy, and every now and then we ship our daughter off to her beloved Nana's for an afternoon so we can spend it in bed together. Not everything is about the children, you know?

No, our relationship has never suffered in the wake of a newborn (we have 5 children)

Nothing changed for the worse each time only for the better. I can totally understand why some relationships do suffer, I can easily see how it could happen but luckily it didn't for us

Actually I say luckily but in fact we have always made our relationship top priority so maybe half luck half working at it?

No.

We have a 2 yo and a 10 wo and although things are massively different we are pulling together well.

In early days it suffered yes. I wqs a control freak at times, and resentful at other so dh was damned if he did and damned if he didnt

Now all thosse years later things have settled of course

having kids means you always have something to talk about!

That's interesting to hear... Our relationship definitely improved when we started going out as a couple again and left DS1 but with the arrival of DS2, it can be hard work at times.

I really believe as well how much support and help you get with the children really makes a difference as well. I know friends who have GPs on the ready to babysit at the drop of the hat and they have date nights every Friday. I am SURE if we had that, our relationship would be better for it. I can't wait till DCs are older as well. Neither DH and I are 'baby' people, I enjoy the toddler stage so much more so can't wait till DC2 is bigger!

Yes, our lives have suffered. 16 month gap between our ds's and now, that the second is coming up for two years old, and sleeping more, I'm hoping that things will get a bit more back to where they were.

I think that tortoise is right - the cracks or issues that were there for us previously have been heightened by the arrival of our DS's - family issues, working arrangements and finances going forwards.

We argue a lot, and we have more strops, and less patience for each other, as we are now giving that patience to our DS's....

Not to say we will divorce or anything like that, but we know it's different, we've acknowledged it and are looking forwards together, to making it work and keeping the wheels rolling, even if we are wearing tin hats...

Thanks Bird, you've articulate my thoughts exactly. My two are 20 months gap and it's tough! I am sure if we had twins or triplets, we would never have made it...

no, absolutely not

we went through years of infertility tests and treatment...and that put a strain on it, tbh

but not babies and children, nope

The tiredness puts a strain. The being a SAHM and feeling that I didn't have any freedom of movement. The lack of sex.

But actually, our relationship is much stronger because of all this, because we had the goodwill to get through all that, and because I appreciate what a very excellent dad he is, and he tells me what a good mum I am, even when I am a hideous banshee.

That's why I am asking about the immediate after-effects. I can so see that DH and I will be much closer for being parents to our lovely boys but at the moment, it can be a struggle because both boys are still small and they are hard work with very little support. When they get to 3/4/5 and we can take them around, show them things, develop them... I can really see the appeal then. But the drudgery/tiredness of the early days can be so hideous!

Ours was as good as ever after ds was born.
Due number 2 soon and know we will have no time together for a while, but that it is generally very short-lived and well worth it.

angel...don't put so much pressure on yourself

anybody who doesn't think that very tiny children are tiring is a fool

and tbh, the people who think that their lives won't change after the birth of their children are completely deluded

however, if your DH is being an arse about it...do not accept it

I agree Angel that the early days are bad (well they were for us).

We found the first year with DS1 both wonderful and hideous.

Unfortunately DS2 was such a bad (reflux) sleeper that it very nearly tore us apart.

Now that DS2 is 3 things are almost back on the straight and narrow, but it was bad enough for me to say that another child would end our marriage (note to self, remember this in broody moments!).

I thought everyone went through this but have looked on in as several close friends with small babies look after them adoringly together with no apparant relationship problems.

Actually you're right about the family support.

Both couples I am thinking of have managed holidays/long weekends away while their babies were under a year and have regular babysitters.

AnyFucker DH can be a pain sometimes but he's nowhere near an arse... I think he found being a father a real shock as he's never been a baby sort of person. Mind you, I found being a mother a real shock the first time round! But women seem to adjust better as traditionally they do spend more time with the baby.

My real 'problem' at the moment is that my ILs have promised lots of support to us that has never materialised... And I am somewhat bitter about it. I know it was my choice to leave my home country etc etc but my parents (if they were here) would drop everything at the drop of a hat to look after the boys. DH has a very demanding job and it has enabled us to have a good life without too much financial worries and for me to make the decision to be a SAHM (if I really want to) for the next few years. I'm currently still on maternity leave. I also suffered a prolapse post-DS2's birth and it has been tough. I am exhausted too. I just need that little bit more help to be able to get out, do a bit more, feel more like myself instead of struggling through each day.

We've booked a holiday back to see my parents in August and it's just really brought home how tough it has been and how much I look forward to seeing them and for them to meet DS2 for the first time. Sorry, it's turned out to be a bit of a rant. DH does what he can to help but he's really only around on the weekends and I find the days alone with the boys quite tough!

jamaisjedors - My thoughts exactly.

P.S. I think that me being permanently exhausted doesn't do much for our relationship. I saw a glimpse of myself the other day through DH's eyes and it ain't pretty!