Does EVERYONE'S relationships suffer as an immediate side-effect of having children?

[angel1976]

That's it really... Just interested as I have read too many articles lately about how 'my marriage almost ended up in divorce due to having twins / kids too close together etc...'

My relationship with DH has definitely suffered since the two boys arrives (DS1 2.2 and DS2 5.5 months) and we are still waiting for it to recover. No, we are nowhere near separation/divorce but there has been many tense moments! I have faith in our marriage that it will last and can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel... But gosh, there are days where I just don't have the energy to do anything, let alone be a wife and I do feel bad about it. And of course, we do have our two very beautiful boys and am so grateful for that.

Does EVERYONE'S relationships suffer initially due to children? Is there anyone out there who can hand on heart say having children improved their relationship/marriage? And I mean in the first say, two or three years? I'm just curious.

Well we bickered a lot when the girls were babies,almost entirely due to my utter exhaustion ,but now,even though I am still on the short-fused side due to lack of sleep,I feel happier with my husband than ever.I feel closer to him and he is a very hands on father,we have a whole family life together and it is a huge bond.

just checking on the arse front, angel

My LO's are 17 months apart and as Tortoise said the cracks in our marriage became extremely obvious post children. Way too much pressure as DS2 had hideous colic too. So much so he's gone off with another woman

But I am loving reading the testimonies here and reminding myself there are some fabulous men out there.

Thanks AnyFucker - More my ILs who are being the arses! When DS1 was old enough for us to get a babysitter in and we could go out for dinner, our relationship got so much better but it's more difficult with two now (and DS2 so little) but we are going out this Saturday for our 7th wedding anniversary so here's to a good night out!

have a good night...but keep your expectations low

there is nothing more than planning a fab evening and then it falls a bit flat, leaving you feeling more narked than ever

just hang in there...it gets better if you can pull together...honestly

Thanks for the encouragement AnyFucker. Will keep hanging on in there. We are not in a 'bad' place but not in a 'great' place either... We are just going out for dinner at a restaurant we have wanted to try for ages. Just being able to have dinner in peace and civilised conversation are good enough for me at the moment!

The immediate result of our first child was totally positive, but then we'd been together less than a year when she arrived.

We were desperately poor and lived in a bedsit surrounded by lowlives, but it was great. We were head over heels in love and had the most wonderful baby in the world. (Now known to be one of the five most wonderful babies in the world.)
We spent 24 hours a day together. We walked on the deserted beach at 5am with DD1 in her pram. I can't imagine coping on benefits, living in one room (sharing a loo with strangers!) these days but we were happy. We're still happy and still in love, but no longer young!

l39 what a lovely post

Sleep is the main problem IME. Until the children are sleeping through (at a year both times for us), sleep deprivation made everything so much harder. Little family help and alot of family dramas hasn't helped. Mine are 3 and 1 now and I am finally enjoying it more than feeling overwhelmed by the drudgery.

I think the trick is to try and not get dragged into those "I'm tireder than yo/my life is crapper than you" conversations. A lot of biting of tongues needed to happen with us for goodwill to carry on. But if you are the one doing the lions share of the childcare, especially with toddlers, then that's emotionally draining, as well as physically, and i do think you need a good partner to fill up your emotional reserves otherwise you have nothing to give.

angel - have re-read the thread, and wanted to say, that I really felt i was going under when I had a toddler and baby.

What saved me was DS1 going to playgroup a couple of half-days a week (when he was 2 and a bit), and the baby (then 8 months) going to a CM one of those half days. I felt very guilty about this at first, because I was a SAHM, and had no "excuse" to need childcare, but it was the best thing I ever did. I feel quite emotional thinking about it, because the CM was so lovely, and DS2 had a great time there, and it gave me some headspace.

i dont think our relationship has "suffered" but it has changed us - we are a lot less self centred than we were 7 months ago! and obviously its more difficult to be sponateous but despite the odd hiccup we enjoy being a little family unit.

We've been fortunate in that DS was a good sleeper from quite young and i think sleep deprivation can put a big strain on relationships - there's a good reason why it was used as a form of torture!

I'm trying really hard to be realistic - am pg with our first and only so obviously haven't experienced post-baby relationships.

But so far, I just fall more in love with DP whenever we discuss the baby and the future.

I'm not easily moved but last week when DP brought home a toy he'd bought 'it's the first thing from us to our baby' I was almost in tears.

I'm hoping that all the joy/ excitement will see us through the exhaustion and (relative, short lived) poverty. Famous last words, very possibly!

Anyway, DP wanted this baby the same way kids want a puppy 'but I'll look after it! I promise!' etc so he knows exactly what's expected

I think it makes you closer. When you have children its another step towards giving up your own selfishness/ego - and that benefits the relationship too. DH and I still argue of course but its all over much more quickly now and we see each other much more as constituent parts of a unit rather than two separate people each with their own agenda to argue for.

It is tough working, running a house and caring for children - there never seems to be any downtime. I think problems come up if one person feels they are doing more than their fair share; resentment can build up like wildfire and before you know where you are you feel you really dislike your other half. So I think if you feel resentful you need to discuss it and make changes asap.

The other challenge is that often you have less money when you have small children. So it feels unfair that at a time when you are working harder than you ever have in your life previously you are actually worse off! It doesn't fit with our ideas about effort and corresponding financial reward!

Overall though I think having children is a positive thing for relationships. DH and I had a rare evening out just the two of us, leaving DD with her grandparents. It was lovely, but we kept looking behind at the empty car seat and feeling quite sad that DD wasn't with us!

Morris - it is lovely with the first. I think it becomes harder with the second, because it is much more "all hands on deck", but even then, if you have weathered the changes brought about by the first, then it's a positive outlook.

Your DP sounds great.

Thanks, it's nice to hear some positive stories! I felt today that I need to do something for myself. I feel so bored at the moment... Just feel like I need to get out and do more so I am going to organise a social night out with some friends. DP is very supportive of it. He's been encouraging me to do it for so long but it's me who feels I can't quite leave DS2... And also lack of reliable childcare nearby. Wish me luck in organising a girls' night out!

Aww thanks Jamie. We're only planning to have one - I'm 38.

And my DP is great! Can't wait.