I care for my ex and I hate what I know I have to do

[robd]

My partner and I separated a year ago. We have a 5 year old son. We were together for 12 years, although there were times we were not together, and then we lived together for 8 years.

We came very close to separating two years before our son was born but didn't. However our relationship was simply plodding along. Then along came our DS and my ex threw herself into looking after him and I struggled with a very stressy and busy teaching job. We both neglected our relationship and I was too busy to attend to her needs and she didn't give me much love or attention.

After lots of arguments, I basically thought life was too short to live with someone who doesn't love me and we decided to split up.

It was too easy - no divorce or anything like that. Looking back I wish we had done councelling but I was so stressed out with work that I simply thought that if somone didn't love me, what was the point of being there?

However I still deeply care for her. She has little support and I go round regularly so she can get out and do exercise, make tea at their house probably twice a week and help with some jobs. We also do family days out once or twice a month together.

She is a fantastic mum and has a great bond with our son. However this is the problem - I love it when we are all out. It just feels really nice. When I am at their house, it is really painful to see all the fun things and interaction she has had (such as a great activity she did in the garden. When I left tonight, she was playing a great make believe game with him. I left because I had him all day so she wanted time with him.

Emotionally it is really painful to see all this stuff and not be a part of it. A big part of me really cares for her and I keep thinking have we made a big mistake. I was away with him last week and she rang up to chat to him, and we also had a great chat just about stuff.

Yet I know we have to move on. I have a life to lead and she needs to not rely on me coming round to help her out. Is it healthy for our son having family trips together? Will he think we will get back together? I don't even know how to broach the subject with her. She will make me feel really guilty if I don't come round so she can exercise but it is just so emotionally painful being in a house that was once a family home and seeing all the fun family things she is doing.

Apologies for the long thread.

Sorry it is not very clear from your post, but what is it you know you have to do??

I left my son's father last November and moved to a new house, and from the off I kept me and him very seperate. We have our own houses and we do not lounge about in each others, we do not go on days out together, eat meals together, etc. This was hard but IMO necessary as I felt after such a long relationship we needed to 'seperate' and I felt it was fine to be friendly, but too emotionally confusing to be friends. (I am saying we, but I mainly put these boundaries in place for my ex's benefit). I also felt it was important for DS that there was no confusion about us getting back together or who lived where. IMO he has only very recently realised mummy will not be going back 'home'. It takes children a while to realise the dynamics of it all I think.

I am hoping a few years down the line things will be more fluid and we will have settled into not being a couple.

Have you and your ex discussed what went wrong between the two of you? Do you think you could talk to her about it all?

its tough and it takes a long time to feel better from all the hurt. what strikes me though is the fact that there were problems prior to ds and that suggests that maybe had ds not come along the relationship would have run its course.

I have been there and done this and it is very hard to split up but still care for the person. I am lucky that i still get on with my ex and we still do stuff together. But he has his girlfriend and is happy and tbh i am happier being his friend then i was being in the relationship. However it has taken 3 years to feel like this, and i still struggle sometimes as it would just be easier and sometimes nice to turn backthe clock and have the stiuation different.

Re ds: it can be a little confusing but it is ultimately better for the children if the parents can communicate and share special events. It isnt always possible though. In my experience although it has taken ds longer to understand there is no mummy and daddy anymore he is not caught in the middle of us arguing so it evens out.

Broaching it is a tough one and i wouldnt know about advice. However, this being mn someone will come along. What i will say is it takes longer to heal and move on when you are still in contact. the saying out of sight out fomind is very true.

Are you able to talk to her about this? It seems that you are not sure of the decision you've made. Neither of you have really made the break. Are you both sure it's what you both want?

I think your son is too young to be thinking 'I wonder if they'll get back together', he will just be enjoying the childhood you are both giving him and that's really important.

If it is what you both want maybe you need to arrange regular access visits and not be so involved with each other's lives. You seem so sad about it all.

Do you still love her? You say you care for her still, but is it a fondness for what you once had or love? Do you know how she feels?

If you don't love her then yes you need to break and move on. If you do love her can you get up the courage to tell her and try and make a go of things?

You have my sympathies me and my DH are going through something similar as what you went through. We're trying to work it out and are waiting for a Relate appointment.

Sorry - what I have to do is tell her that I can't come round and help out in the evenings when she wants to go out. It is just making it hard to move on. It feels like old times but without any of the arguments - I have changed jobs and am much less stressed out. I can talk to her in the evening without worrying about marking or planning the next day.

But we've separated. I no longer live in the house. She has her own life in the house with our DS and I can see the effect of that - lots of fun things she does without the pressure of having to get him back after he has been with me. She has a big house with lots of toys there and a great space for interaction. I am in a shared house and most of his toys are back at hers. I can see the changes she has made to the house.

It is emotionally very painful. I have a great time when we are out but being out somewhere and living in a house are very different prospects.

Yet the problem is I still care for her and will feel like cr*p if I tell her I can't come round when she wants to go out.

Have you talked to her about trying again?

have you told her any of this? If she feels the same, you could still get that counselling...

How often are you going round in the evenings?

My DS has set 'daddy days' (day and overnight stays twice a week) which works for us as we all know when we will get time with DS, time to ourselves, time to go out, etc.

Are you own living arrangements likely to be a long term thing? I only ask as if you had your own place (even a flat), you could still help out your ex and see your son but without being in the old family home during this time. I can see this may not be a possibility though, as I appreciate the price of housing varies considerably across the country!

Are you absolutely sure that the separation is what you actually want? It doesn't sound like you have any sort of closure at all - if you can be clearer in your mind that splitting up really is the right thing to do, then the physical proximity will matter less, I think. OR, if you can admit that actually you want to get back together, even if you try and are rebuffed, at least you'll know that you've tried your hardest and again, that might make closure easier.

Relate will see people individually as well as couples - that might be useful for you.

But ultimately, if going round to the house is painful for you then she will have to acknowledge that - and if she's a nice, thoughtful woman then she will acknowledge it. She may even be a bit relieved - she may be finding it hard too.

viz whether your DS will wonder if you'll get back together, IMO most kids always wonder whether their parents will get back together however unlikely (my xp and I separated when my DS was 2 and my DD wasn't even born, and my DC's still sometimes wonder if Daddy will ever come and live with us, even though they have had no direct experience/ memory of him ever having done so), so you may as well retain the friendship you have as it will be no more mixed messagey for the kids than not getting on would be. HTH.

I think you should tell her what you've told us. Tell her that you still care about her. Ask her how she feels. What have you got to lose? You wouldn't be the first couple to give it another go. But first you need to tell her exactly how you feel. In order to do that, you need to make sure that you can commit to her totally; if she doesn't want this, you have to respect that, and then tell her how painful it is, to spend so much time in her home, and then leave. Then she will understand that you will have to see each other less, but you can still spend time with little one. If you tell her out of the blue, that you can't go around in the evenings to help out without any reason, the rift will widen. Having said all that if you do really want to move on, and feel the relationship is over, then tell her you need more distance from her, but not little one, in order to move on. Most of all, be open and honest with her.

Thanks - some good advice there. Somehow I need to find a time to talk to her when she isn't busy or tired because I do understand that being a single parent is incredibly hard work. Because she tells me all the jobs she has done in the house.

We were never really good at communicating before hand. We can chat now really easily because the pressure of a relationship is not there.

It would be great to get my own place but financially I can just afford to rent a room.

Where will you look after your child when you have your time with him?

He still comes round my house and stays overnight. He has full reign in the shared house but it's not his home - no room full of toys and none of the regular day to day stuff that his mum gets to do (such as putting alphabet letters and spellings on the fridge everyday, watching a DVD spontaneously because they are both just in the mood.) It's the every day fun stuff that they do when they are in the mood that I see but as a person who gets him on Saturday or Sunday is difficult to do.

He can relax in his house and take himself off to his room but relaxing is just something that he can't do in my house because it's not his usual residence.

I don't get this thread.
What are you saying? You care for her, you love the family outings, you enjoy being back at her house and helping out....... yet you're thinking of stopping it all.
Why?
Do you want to get back with her? Or is it all too painful and you want a clean break? Although that's never going to be possible while you have your DS.
Sounds like a nice set-up to me. Compared to all the acrimonious contact situations here on MN.
Talk to her about it. See what she thinks. Is it a problem for her too?

Do you think your ex would consider you spending the day at her house, over the weekend - so he has all his toys, whilst she takes herself off to enjoy herself? Could that work?

OF course it's good for your dc to see you and her together and to have family days out etc

Hard for you, yes. But you're an adult and need to learn to deal with the difficult feelings it brings up for you.

You really need to focus on what's best for your dc.

omg, tell her how you feel, for Gods sake

for all you know, she could be feeling the same

what are you waiting for ?

How lovely to have a situation of what seems like mutual respect between estranged parents. You must tell her how you feel.

From the child's point of view, my father was at the 'family' home nearly every day for years after the divorce. I never thought about them getting back together, I didn't really think about it at all. If you can maintain a presence in your sone's life in his house, I think you're right that it's more relaxed. I think this set-up can only continue until one of the parents moves on though or if there are genuinely no feeling left from the relationship. Good luck.

My ex and I have had this same arrangement for 7 years, since the youngest was 12 months and the other two dd's were 2 yrs and 8 yrs. They spend 3 nights at his, 4 nights at mine, and every Sunday we go out for the day together as a family. It works for us, so I don't really think there is a right or a wrong - it is what works for your family and your son.

Is there any reason why you can't try and make a go of it again. If you loved her once, you could probably love her again, and if there's any possible chance of things working then definitely worth giving things a go, especially with a child in the equation.

It sounds like you split up in haste during a difficult period when your child was very young. Even so many years later you still get on well with your ex and enjoy spending time with her. Sounds like you should try and make a go of it to me.

I think the current arrangement sounds good from your ds's point of view.
Would you not go and take over the care of your ds at all to let your ex get out, or would you just not do it at her home?
I think you still need to take him to let her have her own time, no matter where you do it.
Its good that you care for your ex, she must care for you as well, in fact it all sounds like an ideal set up.
Maybe declaring your feelings might ruin the current set up, or maybe it wouldn't, has she given you any indication that she might feel the same?

do you want to get back tog?
If she does too, go for it and good luck

I will talk to her. At the moment we are really good friends. We text each other during the day about things that are not child related. Last night we sat on the sofa and she had planned to go out for a walk but instead we watched the debate and chatted about inane stuff. We are all going camping on the Bank Holiday weekend.

Yet - I don't know if she has moved on. She has always been very independently minded and has seemed to have just got on with being by herself. If we talk and she is not interested, then I will have to move on and start developing new relationships. Somehow I am not sure a new partner would be too impressed if I said I was spending the evening helping out my ex because she asked me.

It's a case of finding the right time and the right words.