I care for my ex and I hate what I know I have to do

[robd]

My partner and I separated a year ago. We have a 5 year old son. We were together for 12 years, although there were times we were not together, and then we lived together for 8 years.

We came very close to separating two years before our son was born but didn't. However our relationship was simply plodding along. Then along came our DS and my ex threw herself into looking after him and I struggled with a very stressy and busy teaching job. We both neglected our relationship and I was too busy to attend to her needs and she didn't give me much love or attention.

After lots of arguments, I basically thought life was too short to live with someone who doesn't love me and we decided to split up.

It was too easy - no divorce or anything like that. Looking back I wish we had done councelling but I was so stressed out with work that I simply thought that if somone didn't love me, what was the point of being there?

However I still deeply care for her. She has little support and I go round regularly so she can get out and do exercise, make tea at their house probably twice a week and help with some jobs. We also do family days out once or twice a month together.

She is a fantastic mum and has a great bond with our son. However this is the problem - I love it when we are all out. It just feels really nice. When I am at their house, it is really painful to see all the fun things and interaction she has had (such as a great activity she did in the garden. When I left tonight, she was playing a great make believe game with him. I left because I had him all day so she wanted time with him.

Emotionally it is really painful to see all this stuff and not be a part of it. A big part of me really cares for her and I keep thinking have we made a big mistake. I was away with him last week and she rang up to chat to him, and we also had a great chat just about stuff.

Yet I know we have to move on. I have a life to lead and she needs to not rely on me coming round to help her out. Is it healthy for our son having family trips together? Will he think we will get back together? I don't even know how to broach the subject with her. She will make me feel really guilty if I don't come round so she can exercise but it is just so emotionally painful being in a house that was once a family home and seeing all the fun family things she is doing.

Apologies for the long thread.

Strikes me that at the moment the situation works well. You are taking responsibilty for caring for your son and that is really good to read. So no urgency but yes start talking about the future. How you will maintain your friendship and parenting when either of you finds someone else, or even how you might rebuild a relationship togther again. This camping weekend should provide some opportunites. I would focus on how you can continue to care for your son and yes that might well include doing little jobs to maintain the home he lives in. I wish you well and hope your ex partner will continue to facilitate this mutual child caring but perhaps with a little more structure and planning. I know when my husband moved out our boys really needed to know when they would see him next and that includes not wondering if he might pop in tonight.

Oh rob, it sounds to me as if she feels the same way - texting each other about none child related stuff, staying in together when she had already had plans etc. Please talk to her, because you don't want to regret not telling her one last time how you really feel. And there is no better time than when you are camping, sitting outside the tent in the evenings , having a heart to heart. Good luck, I really hope that you get what you want.

I think you should try to get back together. Nothing from your original post makes it clear to me as to why you don't.

She likes you. You like her. You have a child. There aren't other people involved.

Is it possible that she is just happy with the arrangement you have? She gets a co-parent rather than being a single parent, you just aren't in a couple relationship any more.

Maybe she is happy because you're not together any more? You have a different relationship to before but it sounds like a happy one.

Some people are just better apart. Perhaps this is the case for the two of you?

Just booked a Relate appointment for me. This is a really big step as I have always kept myself to myself over the years and never really discussed my feelings (probably one of the reasons why we split up in the first place.)

Good for you. I hope it's helpful and do take the opportunity to really open up.

robd - well done, it is a big step, but hopefully will really help.

Well done robd.

Even if it doesn't lead to a reconcilation it should give you some closure and possibly help with future relationships.

Best of luck

Doon't make this into a huge drama. It really doesn't have to be. write her a note

say you love all the times you are together as a family and would she consider becoming your girlfriend again.

Less pressure than straight into a full om relationship again.

I've read all the posts now and right from the start I thought that you should try and get back together. No relationship is perfect but it seems that you two have got a lot of things in the right place. Good luck.

Good luck!

Well - my feelings are out now. Basically she asked if I could come round tonight to help. I have actually got a counselling session tonight and she was curious as to what I was doing (she thought I had a date.)

So I told her. And told her the reasons why I was going to a counsellor.

We are going to make time for a proper chat at the weekend.

Oh Rob, I'm so pleased. If nothing else I think that you would have regretted not telling her and regardless of her answer, you have been truthful about how you feel. I really hope that the conversation goes well over the weekend and will be thinking of you.

It sounds like you should give it another go if she is willing.

Our counsellor told us "it's a process". It's difficult to separate: it's like letting go hands, and still touching fingers.
We've both been committed to being kind to each other, and not being at war, and we co-parent (dd spends week and week about at each house, with a mid-week night at the other parents', just to catch up on the school news etc).
I've had to teach myself not to call him for advice on starting the lawnmower / buying a car. And are lives are separating more - but gradually. Some things I don't want to let go of: like my relationship with his family.

I missed all the familiarity, and the life we'd shared, and the jokes, and the easiness of it all. I still think he's smart, and funny and kind. But I can remember how it felt feelig trapped in that not-good-enough relationship, and I don't want to be back there. Maybe the same for you, Rob?

Why do you need Relate if things have changed and are going so well, Rob?