Abusive to my man

[Baba]

I have been in several awful relationships but three years ago I met Andy and we have a son of 1 years old.

My first relationship at 14 - he was emotionally controlling and physically violent towards me. But ever since then, in every relationship, I become out of control and can be quite violent when challenged.

I don't want it to ruin the relationship I have got - Andy is so understanding and knows exactly how to read me - I have hit him once but he can't remember as he was very drunk - I get very, very scared when my loved ones are drunk - don't know why and that's when I usually get violent and out of control but I just seem to be very, very angry a lot of the time.

My Dad died in May and I vowed I would never drink again or get abusive again but I still have. Seems it will never change

Really feel for you.
Surely first step is doing what you are now and that is recognising there is a problem.
Do you think you are ready to ask for help?

Dear Britaboard

I have tried to get help several times over the years and before Dad died I did see a counsellor but she made me talk about things that I didn't find relevant and analysed things that I had never thought about before and felt like she was going too deeply in things and seemed to enjoy seeing me cry.

I love my son more than anything else in the world and, although I get angry with him, I don't (thankfully)and would never be abusive or violent with him - I was adopted at six weeks old and so I know how precious and wonderful my son is to me. I could never hurt him.

However, Andy is a grown up and although I love him more than anything, I still feel this need to abuse him - it only happens now and again but I asked him the other day if he was happy living with me and he said he was happy living with me 66% of the time. Not great odds eh??

PS Must admit that I am finding it hard after my Dad died as I was so, so close to him and put my Mum and Dad through hell as a teenager - I suffered with Bulimia through my teens and twenties and did some terrible things.

Guilt plays a terrible part in our lives doesn't it?

Yeh. I too am adopted and tried counselling and hated the wounds it reopened and stopped sharpish.
So you abuse Andy? How? When? Is it related to PMT?
I have lived an eventfull life too but now like you put past behind and concentrate on positive life which is dp and kids.

I abuse him when Josh won't sleep - I get really angry (not with Josh - just swearing out loud) and Andy bears the brunt of my anger. He just offers to go in and help but I just shout and swear and then go in and try and get Josh to sleep.....

I also get quite jealous and give him a hard time when he goes out - especially if alcohol is involved - I am terrible - I can't help myself and work myself up into believing he is absolutely paralytic - then he comes home and most of the time, he is only merry and I am more drunk than him because I can't handle the thought of it - and then I start on him, etc,etc etc.

It could be related to PMT I suppose - I haven't really looked into it fully, although I have thought of it. At the moment, for the last week, I seem to have been quite nice to live with and actually have a sense of humour!!

I have managed to put most of my past behind me but it has a habit of creeping up on me when I am not expecting it. I work for the Health Authority and also run my own business from home.

I am happy with myself in the way I look and feel lucky to have a wonderful partner and a baby that I have always wanted. Things are very nearly perfect.

Glad to hear that you have put it all behind you as well. I still believe though, that everything we have been through, makes us stronger.

Definately stronger, and better mums and partners too.
I get horrid pmt got better with second child some even say it was PND which can happen way after birth apparently.
Doesn't sound too abusive to me. Sounds like being knackered and wanting some time to be you and jealous cause scared might loose him.
WE went out together for first time in ages last week, can you get a babysitter?

Its difficult as I come from Newcastle and all my family are there and Andy has a sister who has twin 6 year old boys so his Mum and Dad babysit them a lot but don't really help us out as much as they perhaps should.

We get out once a month if we can but again, it is difficult as Andy works during the day and is a football referee at night so I only see him two nights a week!!!

Sometimes feel like a single mum but, again, being an only child, I don't mind being on my own!! Or do I????!!!!!

A geordie lass content to stay in on her own!!! I think not
Went to college up there and loved it.
Just think if you did more for you as you the person and as you the partner, may help you feel happier.
Maybe anger is pent up frustration.
We sometimes have a video and wine or when Dp's out invite some girls round.
Get someone else to babysit and go and watch a few matches!!

I also get very wound up with DH, I tend to bottle things up and then it all comes out in a torrent of shouting, pent-up frustration. I say horrible things, many of which i don't mean and usually can't remember 10 minutes later.

It does sound as if you're tired and i don't honestly think that him only being around 2 nights per week is very fair when you have a young child. It took a long time for DH to appreciate that things that i was once OK with (such as going out most nights, were not OK when he assumed that I'd be happy sat at home with a baby, after being at home with the baby all day) were no longer acceptable.

As for your fears about drinking, I can relate to these too. Once, when I was 7 months pregnant DH went out for a pint after work and didn't come home until 4.30 am, no phone call nothing. He then fell head first down the stairs, when I realised he was OK I kicked him very hard, several times, before going upstairs and collapsing in floods of tears.

So, loads of sympathy, I think that you do need to talk to your DH about how fed up you are, and try and arrange things better. Men can be really pig-headed esp about their social lives and you end up feeling like a shrew. But if he's happy with you 66% of the time how happy are you with him? Also, I think men want to have their cake and eat it, so family in bursts, no unpleasantness, but otherwise life as it was pre-family.

Sorry this is so long!

That's a good question!! How happy am I with him?

I would say about 80% so that's pretty good. The things that annoy me? To be honest, he is a very, very good man and extremely good for me. He lets me shout and scream and he just takes it and doesn't shout back at me 99% of the time - then he walks away and leaves me to diffuse on my own - whereas all the other men have always shouted back and that's where it gets nasty!!

Andy is very, very tidy - sometimes anally so!! I am naturally untidy and this annoys him of course - but I can live with this fault and I know he can live with mine.

He knows that I get unhappy and had a go at me about MY drinking - saying that I drink too much (which is true, although I am not an alcoholic (nor am I in denial!!)) - his dad was an alcoholic and I think he is frightened that I am the same.

We do get on most of the time and I know he is good for me and a great father - although he isn't around as much as I would like. I just wish that we could have more freedom to go out as a couple and go for meals/drinks (?!!)/pictures etc. I miss it!!

Anyway, enough of my moans!!
Oh and its true what they say about Geordie birds - they don't stay in much or I didn't used to!!!
Has anyone been to the Quayside. Its FAB

I have some fab memories especially on "The Boat". Always had to wear a coat or cardi so never was a real Geordie Lass

Things sound fine. Sounds like a fab bloke.
Get a babysitter. I got the courage last week and I feel fab. Don't intend to go out every night but feel great that I could.

Ha ha
You make me laugh!!! My Dad always used to tell me off because I refused to wear a coat when it was bloody freezing..... these days, I go out with about seven coats AND a cardi!! (only 35 so not too past it though!).

I remember going to the boat when I was 18 and my Mum wouldn't let me out of the house in the outfit I was wearing (v.small skirt like belt and sequinned boob tube number) so made me wear a fur coat (fake of course) and a pair of wellies!!! ha ha

Took a carrier bag and promptly LOST them on the way. Oops.....

Such a geordie thing to do. Did you go on the revolving dance floor? Or is that revolting?

PS I have really cheered up since I came on this afternoon.

THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeh. Why did the floor spin when you were already spinning.
Used to use the blokes loo as no one in cubicles and girls queue was always soooooooo long.
Sounds like we could both do with watching a match and then heading down the quay

Fantastic - which match are we watching exactly though????!!!!! Newcastle, Sunderland or Man Utd??

Newcastle v Sunderland

Newcastle win!!!

Did you know that Paul goddard who used to play for Newcastle is Stuart Goddards brother - and Stuart Goddard is actually Adam Ant!!!

ha ha

Oops, just realised, this isn't about relationships!!

Where about's in the Toon are you from?
I lived in Durham then a place near the poly which began with an S, Windy Nook in Gateshead, in a flat above the gay nightclub in Newcastle and then moved to Darlo.

Don't hurl abuse at me but I am actually from a little (posh?) village called Cleadon Village which is 3 miles from South Shields/Sunderland (yuk) and then moved to Gateshead when I got a job in recruitment on Quayside.

Loved it and never mention that I was once a maccum!!!

Love Durham - especially at night - beautiful.

Got little one to sleep now so I'm off to bed (as middle of night here). Really enjoyed chatting to you Baba and will look out for you again. Nite.
Good luck with finding a babysitter.

I know exactly where you lived in Newcastle - I used to go to the Gay Village quite a lot - its fab round there and a great night out.

Can't remember the name though - I know there was Rockshots and Powerhouse or something??

Wow Rockshots memories are flooding back now

I really miss it, don't you???

Where do you live now - are you still in Darlo?

No now live in New Zealand

Errr, that's quite far away!!! Not much chance of nipping back to N.E for a quick boogie on the Rockshots dance floor eh???

I am in Nottingham so more of a chance for me than you I guess!!! Am going to Newcastle next month so will make a guest appearance and have a drink for you as well!!