Can I avert an emotional affair and turn it into a proper friendship?

[LemonDifficult]

I think I maybe having or about to have an emotional affair and I'd appreciate any advice about how to divert potentially romantic feelings into solid friendship. Can it be done? And what constitutes an emotional affair?

For the last six months I've worked closely with a guy and he's turned from colleague into something closer, though I'm not sure what. We did exchange some lingering looks and meaningful flirting when we first met but that tailed off as soon as we found ourselves working alone. We both work for ourselves and from home so have heaps of opportunity for getting up to no good but we never take it. We speak and email about work most days and have texted each other out of working hours but maybe only four or five times, solely about work and those were exceptional occasions. I'm happy with DH, he clearly adores his DP and speaks proudly about her (she has very clever job).

And yet... There isn't any doubt there's plenty of chemistry between us and I'll admit I fancy him a lot. A lot. From general chit chat, travelling or having tea, etc, I do know some quite intimate details about him, which makes me feel that I've moved to a deeper level with him than our work relationship would imply. I look forward to our contact and I know that he does make a big effort for me in terms of work. But we've never said anything about this or acknowledged it in anyway other than one time about two months ago when we looked kind of longingly at each other when we said good bye. So basically, nothing.

The thing is, I could write down tonnes of great things about him, but above everything he is an excellent work contact and I really can't blow it. Is there any way I can steer the dynamics of this a bit to make it safer? I've confided in a friend and she suggested doing something socially with him and his DP (and others) so that I'd have to acknowledge his relationship and have him see me with DH. What do you think?

I think just talking to him about your dh and his dp would help....
AF will be far more help to you than me though

Thanks for replying. I'm actually too nervous to ask anything about his DP in case it looks like I'm prying. He already knows my DH, so that's a bit easier. I don't like to discuss DCs as, dunno, it just feels weird. Like I'm bringing them into something I want them to stay out of.

I know exactly what you mean,but if you want things to feel more "normal" then ask what his dp is like,or what are they doing at the weekend etc...this shows you are accepting her into the relationship and is code for "it's all above board"

I agree with organising something socially with him and his DP. I've found that generally changes the direction of things when the context of your relationship changes and starts to include your partners.

And also make a conscious effort to refocus on your DH - go on some 'dates' together, reconnect with him.

The simple answer is no. Walk away now if you value your marriage. Anything else is procrastination and you are lying to yourself.

Thank you all for the replies. I'm doing lots of nice DH stuff at the mo - we went on a date on Friday - so I'm putting in the effort there. We went on a 'just us' trip to a museum a couple of weeks ago too. Sex life with DH quite full too, certainly don't imagine he's complaining.

I'm a bit aware though that my work is my focus at the moment and will be until July as that's when the extremely consuming, highly stressful two projects that I'm on will come to an end. This guy - shall I call him Sid? (name changed to protect the still innocent) - is in my work bubble with me and is the person who understands what I'm going through and supports me. DH isn't interested, not good at stressed-out situations and won't talk through work, and generally this suits me as I like going home and switching off with DH being all chilled out. So although I am doing the sociable stuff with DH, my critical time at the moment is work - and Sid is there for me...

anothermum92 - I saw other threads talk about 'Not Just Friends' so I looked it up on Amazon and it seemed to deal with the aftermath of an affair, though I wasn't certain. Do you think this absolutely definitely is some kind of affair then? Oh dear...

bamboostalks - are you certain? I really don't think I'm lying to myself, I'm actually trying to be caustically honest with myself (if not DH, though I'd tell him if he asked if I fancied Sid).

I do think boundaries are the critical thing here, and I'm going to have to put some in in retrospect. The weird thing is, we haven't actually said or done anything that crosses boundaries, IYKWIM. It's just that the dynamic is way over the boundaries. I'll definitely see if I can look at a copy in the library (there's no way I'd bring a book like that home - DH would freak if he found it and imagine I'd been shagging his brother or something just as awful).

No. Please don't toy with the idea. It really isn't worth jeopardising your marriage, family, career and everything that you have for. Any doubts then let your dh know straight away.

You are there for work and contact with your colleague should be just about that. I can imagine from what you said that "Sid" is probably your close friend and confidant at work and that you may have lots in common and that you two probably get on really well etc but like you said, your work is your focus, that should be the priority and your relationship should be strictly business.

Sorry to go on a bit.

It is good to hear that you are doing things that you enjoy with your husband and remember these sort of moments.

esl - thanks for your view. On a practical level, what should I do next then? Is there any way of turning this around? I will need to work with him and as nothing inappropriate has been said or done, abandoning these projects now might be a bit weird (and not really possible). How do you walk away? I liked the socialise-with-partner idea as it seemed quite calm.

Btw, Sid might actually be really shocked if he could read this. It may well be that I've blown this up in my head cos I find him sexy.

socd - agree about the four of us, that would be truly weird! My friend was suggesting I invite him to a drinks party I'm planning, so dilute with about 30 other people.

You may be right about the girlfriend's reaction! I think she's unlikely to find out about the 'dilution' part, since only my bf would know about that bit, but yeah, maybe she might guess that I wasn't completely neutral about him. He is a properly sexy guy so I won't have been the first person to fancy him and she might be on the alert. And there'd be alcohol in the mix. Oh, god, you are right. No inviting them.

I did think for a moment as you said earlier that nothing untoward has happened and that all you've had is small talk and "meaningful glances" then perhaps you were just making something out of nothing.

Are there others who work closely with you? I think the key is prevent rather than amend and if it isn't broken then there isn't anything to fix.

If you have staff dos then I suppose you could always invite your dh along so that Sid actually meets him and registers that you're off limits. Again, that if he feels the same way about you as you do about him and intends to make a move on you. If he did fancy you and made a pass then would your perception of him not change? If however he is a really nice guy then he wouldn't do anything knowing that you are attached.

The reason I don't want to ask him directly about his DP is that this kind of chat is the only area I can think of which seems to highlight the 'depth' of our relationship. We are really, really frank with each other, about work, money, ambition, families, everything and in a few sentences we can feel like lovers. And that's not where I want to go.

If he made a move I would turn him down (I have speech prepared). Tbh, I think both of us might be waiting/hoping for the opportunity to turn the other down. We're both people who like to be in the right all the time.

esl - he is a nice guy, he loves his girlfriend, and he likes my DH too if that counts. At times, I've noticed that he seems a bit weary with it too, like always having a crush that won't ever be acted on is quite tiring.

Good question. I just do? That's probably not enough.

He goes way, way out of his professional remit to do things for me. He wants to ask about me personally whenever an opportunity comes up in conversation (What did I train as? Which university? Do I have siblings? etc, etc) He says 'I' when I know he means 'we' (him and girlfriend). I think I egged him on into buying a car which he now has and I don't think he can afford (not my fault, he's a big boy but I was an influence). I can hear it in his voice a bit.

And he told me that he did a project six years ago and someone died in sad circumstances and he said that he swore then that he'd never get emotionally involved in another project and I said 'oh, how are you doing on that?'

And he blushed and said 'well, not too well actually'.

You could have some totally legitimate concerns about a threatened emotional affair between the two of you, or you could be a complete fantasist with an overactive imagination.

Looking at it from a skeptical, logical point of view - surely you see that he has given you NOTHING to go on, nothing to encourage you in any way? Why didn't you phrase your OP something like: "I have a daft crush on a bloke at work. Help me to knock it on the head". Instead you are assuming loads, trying to read between the lines of his behaviour, trying to work out how to manage a situation that may be all on your part. All you need to manage is you feelings, there is no other problem here and doesn't sound like a cauldron of passion waiting to explode. But then what do I know - you work with the bloke, not me! Chemistry is a funny thing and often unspoken but intense. It's just sex through really isn't it? I think you just need to stop analyzing everything, stop thing about it, and mentally slap yourself whenever a thought of him creeps in. It gets easier with time.

err, thinking, obviously, not thing. Ahem.

oh, I've just re-read that and it all looks so innocent. Maybe I have got this wrong. (Brilliant, should I now go and start a Crazy Deluded Lady thread?)

Nah, I've been around. He fancies me. But it could all be in polite gentle response to my fancying him. And I could so easily have blown up how much he does fancy me.

It sounds as if it is just a crush and they do happen to people in the most solid relationships. There is nothing wrong about that but a crush is just that and doesn't mean that anything else will develop. Also they don't usually last. Let it pass. I know that sounds very simplistic but I think that you are over analysing everything at the moment and he might not feel the same about you.