Can I avert an emotional affair and turn it into a proper friendship?

[LemonDifficult]

I think I maybe having or about to have an emotional affair and I'd appreciate any advice about how to divert potentially romantic feelings into solid friendship. Can it be done? And what constitutes an emotional affair?

For the last six months I've worked closely with a guy and he's turned from colleague into something closer, though I'm not sure what. We did exchange some lingering looks and meaningful flirting when we first met but that tailed off as soon as we found ourselves working alone. We both work for ourselves and from home so have heaps of opportunity for getting up to no good but we never take it. We speak and email about work most days and have texted each other out of working hours but maybe only four or five times, solely about work and those were exceptional occasions. I'm happy with DH, he clearly adores his DP and speaks proudly about her (she has very clever job).

And yet... There isn't any doubt there's plenty of chemistry between us and I'll admit I fancy him a lot. A lot. From general chit chat, travelling or having tea, etc, I do know some quite intimate details about him, which makes me feel that I've moved to a deeper level with him than our work relationship would imply. I look forward to our contact and I know that he does make a big effort for me in terms of work. But we've never said anything about this or acknowledged it in anyway other than one time about two months ago when we looked kind of longingly at each other when we said good bye. So basically, nothing.

The thing is, I could write down tonnes of great things about him, but above everything he is an excellent work contact and I really can't blow it. Is there any way I can steer the dynamics of this a bit to make it safer? I've confided in a friend and she suggested doing something socially with him and his DP (and others) so that I'd have to acknowledge his relationship and have him see me with DH. What do you think?

x-post Vicky. That was good advice. Basically, yes, it's just that I want to have sex with him and I need to get over that part. Cos obviously, I don't actually want to have had sex with him IYKWIM.

I prefer the fantasist scenario to the emotional affair. I'm hugely relieved that this sounds like just a crush to people. I was beginning to feel really guilty...

I think the suggestions of a casual meet up with you, him, dh and his dp is not such a bad idea.

There's nothing wrong with fancying someone..it's what you do with those feelings that matter. And if you can 'normalise' the feelings by getting everyone together, and thereby seeing another side of him that is purely a mystery to you right now, you may just nip this in the bud.

I think you are being very noble and honest about this. And human.

I've just read some of your last posts before mine came up and if you are certain that he fancies you then please please be professional and do absolutely nothing that would compromise you both.

I'm not sure what else to say but it sounds as if you're enjoying the attention if you are certain about his feelings for you. If you think that his fancying you is his response to your fancying him then please don't do anything that he will see as encouragement.

Thanks fliberty, that's appreciated.

My bf and I looked the girlfriend up on Facebook and she was... super normal. It left me feeling a bit weird and deflated. Not some mega-boffin glamazon as I'd assumed Sid would have. I think my friend saw that and was encouraged hence the party suggestion.

And, hey, if I can't get a lover out of this then maybe I could make a female friend? (That is a weird thought. Probably not!)

esl- he is very profesional. And yes, I think this has been driven by me, but last week I noticed that he was ringing me, emailing me, etc, and I knew that it wasn't sitting comfortably with me anymore. That's why I started this thread this evening. I'm seeing him tomorrow for a meeting.

OOMS...don't be so coy

you could give very good advice here

a link to your thread might be a start

Treat him as you would your brother, any looks, touches or intimacy that would be pervy with family members is overstepping boundaries.

It's currently a crush, not an affair. It might even be mutual. But you DO NOT want to jeopardise your current relationship, so here's my advice, having been there, done that -- keep it strictly work, and DO NOT under any circumstances ever let him know in words that you have feelings for him. If he on the other hand says something about having feelings for you, LIE. "Sorry, you're a great colleague, but I'm afraid I am completely not attracted to you at all."

It's putting the feelings into words that actually kicks things off. Once that rubicon is crossed, that's it; it is the end -- there is no way back, no happy riding off into the sunsent for anybody.

Yes, you can avert it.

I've fancied a bloke at school for almost a year, but waiting, and waiting, and keeping it hidden, and basically killing the feelings with sensibleness has worked. You reach that point at which it is just not going to happen. I'd say around 9 months.

You start to phase it out, till you are just genuinely nothing more than friends.

Still the odd little fantasy here and there but I have started to see his bad points, too! Good luck, you should be Ok if you know it's not what you want.

A good rule of thumb is how would you feel if your DH had a friendship with someone who he fancied like mad? And had chemistry with? What would you want him to do about those feelings and that friendship?

As soon as a friendship has attraction on both sides, it becomes a threat to both friends' primary relationships. The very best way of pricking the fantasy is to chat to your DH about those feelings - temptation in a marriage is normal, but it is the secrecy that often fuels these things. Once something's out in the open at home, it tends to stop these things in its tracks.

I do think you're in a bit of denial I'm afraid. If you're checking up on his DP on Facebook - and getting some kind of reassurance that looks wise, she is no competition, you have already crossed a line.

If you don't think your marriage can survive an honest conversation about this, then watch out for lines being crossed all the time - him complaining about his DP/you complaining about DH. The moment the "friend" knows more about your relationship than your DH knows about the relationship with the friend (the depth and content of conversations) - a barrier has been traversed.

Not Just Friends is aimed at people surviving infidelity, but it should be on the required reading list for anyone embarking on a relationship. It is all about how "nice" people can avoid crossing the line between a safe friendship and one that will devastate their lives - and those of their DCs. Do read it.

I also feel it helps to meet their partner

I really like this bloke's wife, and that has an impact I suppose in that I don't want her to be sidelined because of me! why should she - she's nicer if anything. Makes no sense.

If she were horrible to him and so on, I mean evidently horrible and he was being abused, I'd feel no compunction in taking him out of the situation but really would wonder why he was in it to start with

what I'm saying is that it doesn't make sense to fancy someone who's got someone else. It leaves you open to the fact they are vulnerable enough to choose that badly in the first place, or are capable of going off someone really nice...ie, you next.

Such good advice on here.

After all your comments about my crush, yesterday's meeting was much better because I think once I decided it was on my side more than his I was more relaxed. I did ask about his weekend and he said he'd spent it at girlfriend's and he'd had a great time doing xyz. He talked a bit more about his personal life but included girlfriend so I felt OK about it and the entire meeting seemed much 'airier' than the previous few.

However, DH was briefly there for some of it and afterwards said to me - 'You won't have an affair with Sid, will you?' It was a bit of a relief tbh, and I knew when I said no that I meant it. I also said that Sid's DP sounded really interesting and I did ask if we could have Sid and his DP to our party but DH said no (gave other reasons, keep work separate, etc) so I will respect that. DH and I do know each other extremely well, we then went on to have the chat about whether I can have male friends - only if they are people DH already knows/trusts apparently - and I didn't argue.

Fliight - I'm really glad to hear you have killed the crush with sensibleness, that's my plan now.

WWIFN - what you said about complaining about each other's DPs really struck a chord with me. The moment last week when I decided things had got too 'something' was when Sid told me he was going on holiday for two weeks to the Mediterranean with his girlfriend and immediately followed it up with 'but I don't really want to go'. (We live in Scotland and he loves the sun, fgs! Of course he wants to go and this was just odd). And mentioned his DP slightly disparagingly in another quite intense-session meeting a few days before. Maybe it was nothing, but it didn't sound that sincere.

I think you have just had a very lucky escape there, ld

Its really hard isn't it because these sorts of relationships are so enjoyable. Be careful and just ask yourself how you would feel if your husband was having a similar relationship with a female work colleaugue.

Oh, so enjoyable, benandoli . AF, though I know you're right, I'm not quite feeling lucky yet. I think I'll need a bit of distance from this to see that. Right now, I'm a little sad about it.

Sheesh, he is sexy. But I guess the world does have sexy people in it and luckily DH is one too.

"DH and I do know each other extremely well, we then went on to have the chat about whether I can have male friends - only if they are people DH already knows/trusts apparently - and I didn't argue."

Actually, your DH should have said "only people you don't fancy" because that's the problem isn't it? It wouldn't matter a jot if DH didn't know and trust a bloke who turned your stomach.

Did you admit to DH that you fancied "Sid"? From his comment, I imagine he knows you do, so there is an elephant in the room if you failed to confess to an attraction.

Yes, what nonsense about not wanting a holiday in the sun. I'll bet the poor GF doesn't know he's a reluctant holiday maker

Sounds like you're handling it pretty well.

IMO, trying to turn it into a friendship is not a good idea. Yes it might be nice to be friends with him, but not being friends is not a big sacrifice to make. Treat him as a work colleague and nowt more. That means you can (and should) have neutral conversations about whether you had good weekends, but anything more personal is out. If it gets more personal (eg "I don't really want to go on holiday with my DP") - swiftly change subject, go back to your desk, etc. Also, I wouldn't arrange out-of-work meetings up, or exchange texts.

I wouldn't be surprised if in 6 months time you're wondering what you ever saw in him - crushes work like that.

I think it depends how "heated" things have become as to whether you can be friends.
I also had a recent crush,now successfully converted back to friendship...I was behaving so coolly towards him for fesr of being found out I nearly lost the whole relationship.

Once I felt in control again I could be friendly...and now he is looking much happier..we get along better than ever and noone misses anyone or has hurt feelings any more.

In my case I can be friends because he is not seeing me as a potential partner in any way,has impeccable manners and decorum and would never overstep the line anyway.

With other people,if they are likely to keep turning up the tempo it wouldn't really be possible to be friends.

in answer to your original question, yes.

You can absolutely have a close friendship with a male that you fancy and never ever do anything about it if you are resolved not to. I don't see how this compromises your marriage and I would be delighted if my dh had such a close friendship with another woman.

I am very close to a work colleague and we fancy each other but are both married and nothing will ever happen between us. It is a unique and special friendship. We do not socialise out of work.(we do not particularly like each others spouses ) It has been this way for 20 years.

Is there a clue in your user name though, AbouttoLeave?

Really? You'd be "delighted" that your DH had a new close friendship with a woman he fancied? Why is that?

Here's another book -- How To Affair Proof Your Marriage, dealing with emotional affairs.

You're playing with fire, LD. Why?

I understand what atl is saying and can explain why I am delighted my dh has just such a relationship.

Because it brings him joy and enhances his life.

I can't stop him having an affair by interfering in the parameters of his friendships

We re together because we really love and fancy each other, not because I stipulate who he can and can't be friends with and at what level

I agree with you,mary

Also as adults we are responsible for our own actions...so if someone has an affair it is entirely down to their choice/fault.You can't control people just because you married them...they have their own free will to stay with their partner or not,forcing it is never going to work.

A marriage partnership is only one relationship we have as adults ....and it is voluntary...why should we stifle all other friendships?

The notion in western society that a husband/wife can be everything to the other is imo misguided.

Of course,if they have a fantastic relationship and partnership naturally then great...there still wouldn't be a need to restrict their partners' friendships.

outofmysystem thank goodness i am not alone. There seems to be a "party line " on this site about extramarital friendships (what daft term but you know what I mean)

I particularly object to the idea that close friendship between two married (to other )people who find each other attractive will by definition graduate to a sexual relationship. And that the non involved partner should intervene to stop the friendship.

I have a wonderful marriage but we are both very sexy people and get attracted to others from time to time. We dont have an open marriage - sex with others is not on for us but you can't legislate for feelings or for an ongoing sparky relationship with other men and women.

There's no way I want to stop my husband developing close friendships with women he fancies and likes to be around. It enhances his life